Time for Ceramic DM? (judge-free commentary thread NO JUDGES ALLOWED AS OF NOW :) )

[BSF]

Taladas' Untitled 1st round story

One of the first things I need to say is an echo of Berandor. You really need to keep your tense consistent. You have heard it, and I am sure the judges will comment on it, so I will leave it at that.

Let's jump to picture use. I like a lot of the picture use. The hat pic initially looks like a throwaway, but you use that as a setup and revisit it at the end of the story. Nice twist and one thing I really enjoy when I read Ceramic DM stories. The dunked pic is another that you use to build up some of the tension. Using it as the key to Derek's vision is nice. The picture of "Becky" wasn't great. Still, with a little handwaving to focus on the overall feel of the picture, I can accept it. The birdinthehand pic is interesting. I get the impression you were having a hard time working it into the story. But, you did a good job of making it important. You have the image placed as a symbol, then you add in marionette strings and you have that tie back to the underlying tension and the relevance of the hats. It was well-crafted and I really appreciate that.

However, you have a potential plot hole here. The hats are the crux of the story. But, somebody murdered Jared Mills, but left his hats there? Becky is mysterious and forces Derek to guess that the hats are the key. We don't have any resolution on why somebody didn't take care of the hats sooner, or why Becky feels the need to be obtuse about them. The story has some nice tension, but it relies on a little bit of contrivance to keep it afloat. A little more explanation on why nobody could/would do anything about the hats sooner, and why Becky just doesn't blurt out why they must be taken care of would help resolve these things.

Of course, this is a story done to pictures in a 72 hour timeframe. It is hard to get all the ducks lined up in a row in that short a time. Nevertheless, I enjoyed reading the story. It has some great elements that help give it a little twist, but it ends on a hopeful note that *something bad* has been averted.

 

[Taladas]

Tenses are definitely my personal bugaboo. I had far less time to edit then I had hoped for but that doesn't excuse me from doing a better job.

And clearly in retrospect I should have expanded on Becky's story. Explained how she killed those men and why she ran. Showed how she picked up mystic training in India. And rereading the story it definitly hints that she knew about the hats, something that I hadn't intended. I was writing with the idea that she didn't know about the hats and needed Derrick.

Ultimately I need to remeber to let the audience in on the story.

Thanks BardStephenFox, I appreciate the critique.

 

[BSF]

The pitfalls of the Ceramic DM tourney are often the timeframe in which we have to write. I never feel like I have the time I need to really edit.

I can see where the plot hole disappears if Becky knows nothing about the hats. That does change things a little bit and probably would not be that hard to explain into the story if you decide to revisit it.

 

[Macbeth]

A big ol' BUMP to see if I can get some critiques of my Round 2 entry.

 

[Sialia]

A big ol' BUMP to see if I can get some critiques of my Round 2 entry.

Magnificent.

Go eat salsa now.

Your opponent is going to have a nervous wait for the judging.

 

[Macbeth]

Magnificent.

Go eat salsa now.

Your opponent is going to have a nervous wait for the judging.

Thanks.

Mmmmm... Slasa. BSF has made salsa for the last couple of weeks, so I doubt we'll be getting any this week, but I think I'll get some cheap salsa from the store and some chips. Not nearly as good as genuine BSF salsa, but I could use some.

 

[BSF]

I am happy to make Salsa any time I have the ingredients. Alas, I am not sure Eeralai picked up the ingredients from the store. I'll probably check the fridge tonight and see if I can scrape up enough to make some salsa.

Just read the story. I'm not sure why you seem to think it is subpar or whatever. It will be interesting to her your thoughts on it after you have a little distance from the story.

 

[Berandor]

I'm not nervous for the judging. I'm all right with my story, and while not flawless in any way I think I've done well enough so I won't shed a tear when I lose, just because "it could have been so much better". If that's clear, anyhow.

Mabeth: Guilt
Interesting. I wanted to use the ferries for shipping bread, but couldn't make it work the way I wanted to. It almost seems as if using it for stones is boring
Your story has a greath rhythm to it. There are certain repetitions I don't mind that much, but there are some great ones, too. I especially liked when the protagonist drops "rop the egg, the hope, the yoke", because I was wondering whether the early repetitions would lead to anything - they did
A great twist at the end (beginning?), btw. I really liked that. But what is it with you and insanity? I sure hope writing is an outlet for your compulsions
I'm not really sure whether the judges will agree, but I liked how you strung the pics together. The reason I'm not sure is because they exist in three different stories, so to speak, framed by the single narrative. I like it, though.
Masstransport: I liked what you did here, concentrating more on the general view of the picture and not on the man in the foreground with the silly evil stupid wheely thing (err, I had no problems putting that in - why do you ask?).
"the egg" (or whatever it's name is): This strange pic-in-pic was really hard to use in a "reality" kind of way. I like how you do it, especially with the names of the village and all the people on it, even more so on second reading.
close: first, kudos to Sialia for the great pic! It is very hard to use effectively due to its "sketchy" (for lack of a better term) qualities. I think Macbeth used it well by first including it as a "vision" before giving it a physical representation.
thornysituation: You know, at first I really wanted to use that pic metaphorically. "Love hurts", or something. (ETA: I'd like to nominate this phrase as "most probable phrase to make the reader doubt the skill of the author ) In the end, I kind of did that, but I really, really like your way of putting it into the story. It's really much more of a penance the way you did it. Great use for an admittedly great pic, probably my favorite pic out of our five!
I already said my thing to the meat/bread/boring stone transporting floats; other than what is above, I just think it fits really good into the story, and is really given much more prominence than I could put into.

I hope that's somewhat helpful, of course I'm a little stuck with my ideas and do have a problem of totally disseminating your entry because of that. But I think it is a very good entry worthy of letting you advance, and I can only hope I am able to give you a little run for your money, which might be more than people would have expected beforehand.

 

[BSF]

Berandor, what can I say about your story? Oh my! That is a damn fine story! I can't provide any sort of critical assessment yet. Generally, I need to digest the story for a while before I can create any sort of critical assessment.

Macbeth is a good guy and I do not think his stories are particularly any sort of outlet. He is just thoughtful and creative.

It is going to be very interesting to see the judging for this round.

 

[Eeralai]

Berandor, what a beautiful story. It made me cry at the end. Of course I am eight months pregnant and prone to that....but still. It was well written, good picture use and a touching ending. Thanks.