Delurking for this one. My apologies if I come across as a total newbie for this first post
I do apologize for calling her stupid, as I don't believe she is stupid, but the decisions she made was not one that seemed liek a good one given the circumstances.
OT, but comments about an individual in a publicly accessable forum can come back to bite the poster.
5 games in she did a spell and i asked her the save, she told me, the spell didnt have a save, none of her spells have saves, she designed them so they wouldnt...<snip> When I asked her, why would she think that she could cast 10d6 fireballs and dominates on enemies and they not get a saving throw, she said she must have read the book wrong. When i asked her why didn't she ask me about it, she said "I hoped you wouldn't notice it, I figured it was a bit broken but I didnt think you'd mind." <snipped the rest>
Based on what you've written in this thread, and a few others I've lurked in, you have a problem player who is making the game unfun for you as DM. The problem is compounded by the fact that this player's SO is a wonderful player, who makes the game more enjoyable for you as DM. Judging from what you've posted, it seems to me that you've forgotten that you are DMing to have fun, too.
My first suggestion would be to boot the problem player. It sounds like she's making the game less fun for you, causing you hours of extra work and headaches, and generally being DM unfriendly. You have nixed that suggestion - and it is perfectly OK for you to do so. It's your game.
My second suggestion is to make a new table rule: "All characters must be submitted to the DM at least four days before the next play session. The DM will review the character and spend those four days working out any questions with the player. You cannot play a character that has not been pre-approved by the DM." This will give you several advantages - 1) You're not treating the problem player any different than the others, 2) You get a copy of each player's character(s) to file away in case someone forgets theirs, and 3) you'll head off future headaches with your problem player. If the problem player shows up without a pre-approved character, offer her a deck of cards to play with while the rest of you play the game.
My third suggestion ties in with the second - another table rule: "At every level advancement, each player must submit a fresh copy of their character for the DM's records at least two days before the next play session. The level advancement is not considered 'done', meaning you can't use the new skills, hit points, spells, etc., until the DM gets his copy. The submitted copy must include all magic items, equipment, property and so forth." This gives you the opportunity to review each character and let the player know if they've made an error totaling up saves, attack bonuses, and so forth. It also gives you an opportunity to head off your problem player again before another difficulty crops up. Finally, you are perfectly within your rights to say to the player, "I'm sorry, but that ability wasn't listed on your last character update, and I have no record of giving it to you, so it isn't allowed."
My fourth suggestion is: Take back control of your game. You have a problem player who has taken control of your game away from you. You have a problem player who is causing you to waste many, many hours of your free time (time that could be spent making the game more fun for the players who actually appreciate your efforts and return them to make the game more fun for you) dealing with rude behavior and thoughtlessness. Think about what you could have accomplished for your game if you hadn't needed to waste all these hours venting your frustration and ask for advice on dealing with just this one player.
The basic idea here is to limit the problem player's ability to cause problems without stepping on the role-playing. It won't eliminate the problem player's ability to cause trouble during play - witness leaping into a pentagram without checking for traps - but it will reduce your overall headaches with this player.
As for the family trouble she's having (IIRC), you can introduce these new requirements as a way of helping *her* out, to make the character creation process easier, and help smooth over play more.
I hope this helps.