Mathew_Freeman
Adventurer
I've tried to resist the urge to post jokes of my own here...but I can't...these are some of my favourites, and if you asked my friends, they'd probably have heard them...
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all caught doing some terrible crime and sentenced to 50 years in prison, each in solitary confinement. In a moment of madness, the judge decides that each of them can have one final wish of something they wish to take into the cell with them.
The Englishman says "I wish for the worlds most beautiful woman, who will remain passionately and sexually devoted to me for her whole life!" [Don't worry, Eric's grandma will not be offended]
The Scotsman says "I wish for an infinite supply of whiskey!"
The Irishman says "I wish for an infinite supply of cigarrettes!"
50 years pass...
The Englishman is let out. He is surrounded by children and adults of all ages, and he and his woman have to be prised apart from their embrace...she, of course, still looks stunning.
The Scotsman is let out, drunk as a lord, happy as can be.
The Irishman is let out, and says "Does anyone have a light?"
------
There are two friends, David and Sanfran. They die. It's tough, but these things happen. David goes to heaven and Sanfran goes to hell.
After a week or so, David rings up Sanfran and asks him how he is. Sanfran replies "Ah, it's great down here in hell. Nothing but booze, clubs, women, drugs, non-stop partying, the lot. How's Heaven treating you?"
"Boring! I can't do anything but sit around, polish my halo and play my harp."
A few months later, David goes up to God and says "I really miss my old buddy Sanfran. We got on really well when we were alive, but he ended up in hell. Would you, O just and wise Lord, allow me to go down and see him?"
God thinks about this, and says "OK, but on two conditions. One, you have to be back by midnight, and two, you have to take your harp with you." David thinks this sounds OK too, and the deal is struck.
Sanfran greets David at the bottom of the Celestial Elevator, and the two go out for a wild night of partying. David is having a great time, dancing away with some ladies in...interesting...clothing, when he suddenly realises that it's nearly midnight!
He rushes back to the Celestial Elevator, and it chugs its way back up to Heaven. God is waiting for him, with a watch.
"Ah, David!" booms God. "Glad to see you made it back on time." He looks him up and down. "But where is your harp?"
David suddenly realises "Oh no! I left my harp in Sanfran's disco!"
[read it out loud if you don't get it the first time]
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*Tallarn now runs away from all those seeking vengeance because of his bad jokes*
-------
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all caught doing some terrible crime and sentenced to 50 years in prison, each in solitary confinement. In a moment of madness, the judge decides that each of them can have one final wish of something they wish to take into the cell with them.
The Englishman says "I wish for the worlds most beautiful woman, who will remain passionately and sexually devoted to me for her whole life!" [Don't worry, Eric's grandma will not be offended]
The Scotsman says "I wish for an infinite supply of whiskey!"
The Irishman says "I wish for an infinite supply of cigarrettes!"
50 years pass...
The Englishman is let out. He is surrounded by children and adults of all ages, and he and his woman have to be prised apart from their embrace...she, of course, still looks stunning.
The Scotsman is let out, drunk as a lord, happy as can be.
The Irishman is let out, and says "Does anyone have a light?"
------
There are two friends, David and Sanfran. They die. It's tough, but these things happen. David goes to heaven and Sanfran goes to hell.
After a week or so, David rings up Sanfran and asks him how he is. Sanfran replies "Ah, it's great down here in hell. Nothing but booze, clubs, women, drugs, non-stop partying, the lot. How's Heaven treating you?"
"Boring! I can't do anything but sit around, polish my halo and play my harp."
A few months later, David goes up to God and says "I really miss my old buddy Sanfran. We got on really well when we were alive, but he ended up in hell. Would you, O just and wise Lord, allow me to go down and see him?"
God thinks about this, and says "OK, but on two conditions. One, you have to be back by midnight, and two, you have to take your harp with you." David thinks this sounds OK too, and the deal is struck.
Sanfran greets David at the bottom of the Celestial Elevator, and the two go out for a wild night of partying. David is having a great time, dancing away with some ladies in...interesting...clothing, when he suddenly realises that it's nearly midnight!
He rushes back to the Celestial Elevator, and it chugs its way back up to Heaven. God is waiting for him, with a watch.
"Ah, David!" booms God. "Glad to see you made it back on time." He looks him up and down. "But where is your harp?"
David suddenly realises "Oh no! I left my harp in Sanfran's disco!"
[read it out loud if you don't get it the first time]
----
*Tallarn now runs away from all those seeking vengeance because of his bad jokes*
