Round 2, Match 2
Round 2, Match 2:
Here's how I judge:
My first pass will be literary: how well does it read? Are there typos? Is it coherent? Is the phrasing awkward, awesome, or ambivalent? Did the writing help or hurt the entry? Does the adventure tell a good story?
Second pass will be as a GM: would I want to run it? Is there a good hook? Does it flow? Do I have all the information I need? Is it mostly backstory or mostly adventure? If I bought this adventure to save prep, how much prep does it require? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Third pass will be as a player: would I want to play it? Are there any interesting choices? Do my actions matter? Does it have interesting things to do for different types of players? How about characters? Is the conclusion satisfying?
Fourth pass will be ingredients: how well were they used? Could any be removed or altered without changing the adventure in major way? Are they tied together tightly? Any particularly clever uses?
I'll finish with a conclusion that sums it all up and throws in anything else that doesn't fit into one of these categories such as logical breaks, major inconsistencies, or other elements that "break" the adventure as posted.
A final note before jumping in: I try to be entirely constructive and honest with my feedback since that's been the main benefit for me doing the half-dozen Iron DMs I've competed in and my ability to write has been drastically honed by them for all types of writing, not just adventures. Empty praise or skirting problems to be "nice" is pleasant and useless. If I like it, you'll know and if I think it could use work... you'll know. Feel free to discard it if you don't agree, my main goals are to be fair, honest, and critical.
Literary Pass, The Cake of Kings:
This entry has something that few others have had: strong voice and tone. The narrator is excited and by the end of the paragraph its clear that this is going to be a fast, light-hearted adventure. Great!
Of course, there's hiccups: "...the thieves slashed the top of the carriage, helped themselves to the cake, and carried off the rest..." Helping themselves makes it sounds like they ate it all, but then they made off with "the rest". I had to reread again to figure out if there were multiple cakes or some other food aside from the cake.
The second was "...a chat with the thief in the jailhouse..." I immediately went back through the story to see what had been stolen only to realize it was the guy who tried to be a thief. I guess if you catch someone in the attempt, you'd still call them the thief, but reading it much later I assumed it was someone who had actually stolen something.
A quick grammar note: if you say '"Because attempted theft carries a lighter sentence than attempted murder, he shrugs.' you're saying that the shrug is how he says that. I think you meant 'he said, shrugging' instead of assuming that he communicated all of that with a shrug.
There were a few extra commas here and there.
All said, usually the less I say here the better and these are pretty small critiques. This read fast and I even smiled a few times – writing that evokes emotion is excellent (as long as its the intended emotion anyway).
Maybe the best adventure of the tournament so far, at least as far as the writing is concerned.
Literary Pass, The Twisted Court:
In the first sentence, there's an extra comma and, in the many things I have read on writing, one of my biggest takeaways has been "when in doubt, don't put a comma" since they tend to either break up sentences that don't need to be broken, or they allow you to chain sentences together that really should be separate, such as this one which could probably be four, maybe five, sentences already, but is now super, super long and tiring to read, largely due to me gluing it together with way too many commas, and now you're taking the brunt of my criticism after a single sentence, mostly because there have been so many entries, especially in this round, that have done the same thing, to their detriment, which is sad, since they can weaken otherwise strong entries, for real, yo.
I would also put that first two-sentence paragraph at the end of the hooks paragraph so we can jump in with cool story stuff. I.e. "here's the situation and a bunch of cool NPCs! (Two will be used later)".
I also started to hit made-up-word fatigue in the second paragraph, then hit it even harder in the third, and bottomed out a bit in the fourth. Here's proper nouns I'm expected to remember: Byeshk Mountains, Eldeen Reaches, Silver Lake, Sylbaran, the Reaches, Droaam, Fernii d’Vadalis, House Vadalis, Test of Siberys, Mark of Handling, Tel'daar Duukuun, Dhakaani [K]ingdom, Graywall, Dhuggaan or Dhogec, Dhogec Ghuukac (Mount Fury), Daelkyr.
I know this is Eberron and so these 15 people/places/things probably already exist in the setting, but for someone reading this adventure only knowing vaguely what Eberron is it's overwhelming. I've ready the beginnings of many people's first novels and it reads a lot like this: here's a bunch of obscure, non-evocative names built of made-up words full of arbitrary a'postraphes to make it sound mystical and foreign that I shall vomit forth in a massive heap of exposition.
It was so dense I read and reread the first four paragraphs several times just trying to be sure I had everything. These four paragraphs took longer to read than the entire previous adventure took.
[sblock=What it looks like to me]Tales of strange, horrific creatures coming out of the southern Rubikarbik Range have travelled throughout the Abidiri Extent and across Lake Lockmoor. They all originate from one town: Thasti'kir, on the coast of Lake Lockmoor, just across the border between the Extent and Vlothee, the realm of monsters. The Rubikarbik Range form the natural border between the two.
One woman has followed these rumors seeking answers. Chulthaa r'Nomoro, an Abidiri Ranger and scion of Dynasty Nomoro (Dynasty Crest: Hippogriff) has recently failed her Challenge of Bronre, and wants to know why she hasn’t yet manifested the Glyph of Touch. Her mother married into the Dynasty, her father died before her birth, and her uncle, her only other close familial link to the family, was excoriated from the Dynasty for his experiments when she was still young. She has begun to suspect that her biological father has no ties to the Dynasty, but her mother denies that she has lied about her parentage. Chulthaa is attempting to seek out her lost uncle for answers, and the rumored creatures bear the hallmark of her uncle’s work.
Hin'sool Restiaa is a cunning hobgoblin warlord and claims to be the heir of an ancient Vhaccal kingdom situated around the southern Rubikarbik Range. He could very well be an heir for all he knows; all that matters to him is that he’s been able to attract a small following and none of the forces within Vlothee have attempted to challenge him yet. He cares little of rebuilding the glory of the Vhaccal empire or carving out a kingdom for himself; his merely seeks the financial gain to set himself up for life in the Vlothee city of Brickguard. He has been seeking Iillthara an Sivvce, a Vhaccal fortress situated underneath the volcanic Sivvce Yallne (Peak Rage). The fortress, home to a forge of rubikarbik weapons, was said to have been converted into a mint after the Rhoboloth and their aberrant armies were defeated. There is said to be a whole treasury full of byeshk-minted coins. Hin'sool has found the entrance; he might have hired the adventurers to brave the depths with him, or a rival or Abidiri official might hire them to put a stop to his plans. If he has not hired the PCs, he will have an entourage of followers with him.[/sblock]
To pile the fatigue on further, each paragraph gets longer and longer with no white space for a break to process the amount of data thrown down. On top of all that, it's a huge pile of exposition which may never be learned, used, or relevant (especially since it says the hooks are optional). When you say "hooks" I was expecting "here's how you get your PCs into the adventure" not "here's everything happening in a one kingdom radius."
I stopped taking notes at this point, trying to read through and get what was going on here and I think I was simply overloaded. Add to the noun list: Daelkyr War, Bragi, Iacthatkarlosh, Daelkyr Yahathl'thess, and Hephaestus. For about 20 characters, locations, houses, empires, and races all introduced in about 2 pages. Every time I came to one of these words, I had to read back up to figure out what it was again. Dhuugaan or Dhogec especially got me as the or kept making me thing it was two things and I had to remind myself it wasn't that kind of "or".
After reading through it twice, I don't think I still know who is who or what the PCs are supposed to be doing. Hopefully it becomes more clear in future passes.
Literary Pass, Comparison:
The Cake of Kings since I know what happens.
GM Pass, The Cake of Kings:
Breaking it into scenes:
Hook (make one up?) → Crime Scene → Catacomb Culture → Royal Mint + Rain → Poisoned Hippogriff → Xaxfas → Reward
Fairly linear, though that isn't always the bad thing past me always made it out to be. As a GM, I get to lay on the campiness, run a light investigation, a battle with an ooze, watch them steal mint from a dragon in the caustic rain (they also have to collect), then run a fight with an illithid.
The biggest weakness thus far is how much of it seems to be given to the PCs for free. The investigation is a red herring, the "interrogation" of the thief is automatic and both the ingredients list and antidote recipes are given. There's really only three or four meaningful scenes: the ooze, the dragon / rain, and the illithid fight.
Containing an ooze will be fun, the dragon fight and rain collection sounds like horrible fun, and the illithid battle is just a boss fight – unless the capture it anyway, but why would they? Unless they know there's a reward for doing so, 99% of PC are just going to murder the thing.
Luckily, the adventure's tone lets us know it's supposed to be light fun so everything doesn't have to be difficult.
GM Pass, The Twisted Court:
Scenes:
Hook (Tel'daar hires them or an official hires them to oppose him or ?) → ruins?
Is Fernii seeking answers a hook? If so, why doesn't it mention that she might hire the PCs? There's no indication that she knows where Bragi is so how would she even know to look in the ruins?
Honestly, I'm not sure what the PCs are doing here or why. They might be hired by Tel'daar or not, so knowing his motivations doesn't help us. Why do they want to end the curse and/or destroy the mint? There are some NPCs here that seem to be doing things, but that doesn't help since I can't figure out why the PCs would care.
When it says to make your own hook, I'm not sure enough of what is supposed to happen that I know what I'd hook on to.
There are monsters, NPCs, a curse, but they are like meat without a skeleton to hang it on and walk us somewhere meaningful through the data and into an adventure.
Admittedly, I'm doing this in little 20-40 minute chunks whenever I have some time throughout the week, but if it's this obscure to me it probably would be to at least some of the theoretical audience using it.
GM Pass, Comparison:
The Cake of Kings since I know what happens.
Player Pass, The Cake of Kings:
The PCs have some light (meaningless) investigation, try to capture part of an ooze, fight a dragon in volcanic wasteland for some mint, try to catch acid rain, then fight an illithid. The climax isn't the coolest part, but that's in part since the previous ones are so interesting.
Seems like a challenge and a blast.
Player Pass, The Twisted Court:
I think they PCs are supposed to go to the ruins for some reason (escorting Tel'daar or trying to kill him or maybe following Fernii if she goes for some reason) and once there they fight some monsters, maybe fight an illithid(?), kill a hippogriffish thing, kill corrupt Bragi, maybe destroys the ruin and also maybe saves a town. It sounds cool, but I'm not sure how to run them through it or even how to start.
Player Pass, Comparison:
There seems to be cool stuff in The Twisted Court and its starting to make a bit more sense to me what happens, but I can't visualize the session in my head in part because I don't know where to start.
Ingredients Pass, The Cake of Kings:
♦ Mindful Mind Flayer: Xaxfas, mindful as he is wary of intruders. The big bad who poisoned the cake. His illithidness is incidental, most importantly he's an alchemist.
♦ Con Artist: The Knack, caught for (not) stealing the cake and poising the hippogriff. Spilling his beans, the link to Xaxfas. His con is that he was stealing not trying to poison.
♦ Ancient Culture: My favorite – the ooze who is the key culture for the sourdough needed for the cake. Awesome.
♦ Royal Mint: Mint for the frosting. It's royal since it's in the cake of royalty, but would have been stronger maybe if it was in the royal preserve or hunting grounds.
♦ Incremental Malison: Xaxfas' curse to slowly turn the nobility to illithids. It does turn the hippogriff into one. Saving him is the primary meat of the adventure.
♦ Hungry Hippogriff: Bucky who ate the cake and so is dying. He really could have been any type of creature, however.
♦ Burning Rain: Caustic rain to help soften the sourdough.
A sentence:
A Con Artist poisons the royal cake with an Incremental Malison on orders of a Mindful Mind Flayer and to save the Hungry Hippgriff that ate it, the PCs must collect some Ancient Culture, Royal Mint, and Burning Rain.
Tight. A few items might be tweaked a bit and still fit, lets see:
A Con Artist poisons the royal cake with an Incremental Malison on orders of a Alchemist Poisoner and to save the Hungry Wolfhound that ate it, the PCs must collect some Ancient Culture, Dragon Mint, and Burning Rain.
Still pretty good.
Ingredients Pass, The Twisted Court:
♦ Mindful Mind Flayer: Iacthatkarlosh who researches in the mint.
♦ Con Artist: I'm not sure if this is Tel'daar claiming to be royalty (that he might be weakens it) or the illithid pretending to be helpful. Maybe both.
♦ Ancient Culture: The Dhakaani empire that is long gone, whose fortress the adventure takes place in.
♦ Royal Mint: The old Dhakaani mint where Tel'daar wants to make coins. Seems somewhat incidental as the curse is on the forge not the mint (which is why they were able to make coins but not weapons?)
♦ Incremental Malison: The curse on the forge.
♦ Hungry Hippogriff: A monster bred by bragi. Its hippogriffness is not really important – and it's not even half-and-half as it claims since it's part manticore, displacer beast, byeshk, and has a whip tongue (which gives it a swallow attack to stand in for hungry).
♦ Burning Rain: I reread the whole thing to find this and I think it must by the volcanic eruption that would happen should the PCs trigger the explosion.
I don't know if I'm just being dense or am stuck or what, but I'm still not sure how the PCs fit into all of this so don't even how to make a sentence involving them. Hopefully other judges won't have the same block I do and will get it. It really may be just some personal foible of mine that is making me not get it.
Ingredients Pass, Comparison:
While The Cake of Kings' ingredients aren't perfect, they all are all essential to the adventure: the PCs interact with, fight, or collect them – or all three!
In The Twisted Court the ingredients seem looser and most are optional. Since I'm too dense too understand the key path to the adventure, I just can't tell what the essential parts are. This has got to be a frustrating judgment for you Gradine since I know you put a ton of work into it and I just can't seem to figure it out.
Conclusion
I won't belabor the point any further as it's pretty obvious where I fall here. Maybe I just developed a personal bias against The Twisted Court in those first paragraphs or maybe never having more than 45 minutes to scrape together at a time to work on it is just creating a block.
The Cake of Kings is great; solid writing, clear tone, and some truly challenging and fun encounters. The final boss is a bit of a let down after the excellence before it and it seems a touch light on content, but all in all well done.
[MENTION=57112]Gradine[/MENTION], sorry; read fail.
[MENTION=50987]CleverNickName[/MENTION] has my vote for finalist.
Final Note: I had word counter still open and this judgment is a shade over 3000 words...