14 year old girl wants to join my game

[Harmon]

Jey,

I agree with a lot of what you are saying, but this is a different world then the one I grew up in (not sure of your age), and what I saw, and went through was brutal to say the least. Trusting my daughter with people I barely know- more then likes not gonna happen, though back before I had a child I thought I would be of the mind- "ya, sure, what the hay," but not anymore.

Your mother was right, she trusted and I will not speak ill of her for that, but today, I would hope she would think better of it. The predators that are out and about, are smarter then they use to be and they are much more willing to get what they want and say- "she never showed up," to the cops.

We have to be more careful, both as parents and as people around the youth. A youth can scream a single word and people's lives are destroyed (guilty or not), back in the day when a youth did that no one believed them (or took them seriously). As a result of the change predators are more willing to remove wittinesses and victims, then they were back then.

In the years to come should my daughter at say age 14 want to go to a basement gaming group or film thing or what ever I would be more inclined to show up, meet with the people there, watch, and inform the group of the rules regarding my daughters presence at the function, and make sure she understands what can happen.

This world is not what it once was, this world is brutal, and meaner then even I endured (I am sure others endured much worse, but I can't speak for them, only what I know, and only what I have witnessed).

Take care

 

[Jeysie]

I agree with a lot of what you are saying, but this is a different world then the one I grew up in (not sure of your age), and what I saw, and went through was brutal to say the least.

I'm 27, myself. Not at all old enough to say that I grew up "in a different time"...

But I agree the world is brutal. I've known kids who've gotten abused before, including kids in foster homes. One even ran away because of it. Was it the adults abusing them? No, in every case it was the other kids their age or slightly older in the foster home with them. You could fault the adults for not stopping the abuse, but they weren't the ones doing it.

Personally, I'm more afraid of the young 'uns and people my age than I am people older than me, and the same was true when I was a teen, too. I'd be far more wary of bullies or possible young hooligans my kid might be hanging out with than her associating with mature adults who are more likely to be responsible.

Peace & Luv, Liz

 

[Mustrum_Ridcully]

The predators that are out and about, are smarter then they use to be and they are much more willing to get what they want and say- "she never showed up," to the cops.

I disagree. The Predators haven't changed. But our awareness and perception of them changed.
Today's Media ensures that we know a lot more about the bad things that happen in this world.
The bad thing is that so many cases of abuses weren't noticed before, because people weren't aware of the dangers.
We shouldn't be over-protective, but we need to stay careful. If in doubt, favor the side of protection and care. But if possible, try to eliminate the doubt. Inform yourself.

 

[wingsandsword]

I disagree. The Predators haven't changed. But our awareness and perception of them changed.
Today's Media ensures that we know a lot more about the bad things that happen in this world.
The bad thing is that so many cases of abuses weren't noticed before, because people weren't aware of the dangers.
We shouldn't be over-protective, but we need to stay careful. If in doubt, favor the side of protection and care. But if possible, try to eliminate the doubt. Inform yourself.

Exactly, unless you can present some hard statistics, I'm not going to believe that child molestation is any more common now than it was 20, 30 or 50 years ago. Pedophillia is a mental illness, and unless for some inexplicable reason it's vastly on the rise, the number of pedophiles is going to be proportional to the population from back then.

What we have is 24 hour news networks that have airtime to fill, incredibly overprotective "helicopter parents" that want to know where their child is at every moment of every day, and a media-created culture of fear that there are legions of perverts relentlessly stalking every child out there. Sexual predators exist, this is true, but last time I checked, it was far,far more likely for a child to be molested by someone they know, be it family or a family friend, than a stranger. If anything, we hear about it more now because children have it drilled into them about it being bad and might be more likely to report it.

The end result is paranoia and fear, and that is what has fueled a lot of the replies to this thread, irrational fear and paranoia. Either the irrational fear and paranoia of others that will lead to life-ruining false accusations, or the irrational fear and paranoia that your child will be the victim of some pedophile tracking them down and seducing them.

 

[shilsen]

Exactly, unless you can present some hard statistics, I'm not going to believe that child molestation is any more common now than it was 20, 30 or 50 years ago. Pedophillia is a mental illness, and unless for some inexplicable reason it's vastly on the rise, the number of pedophiles is going to be proportional to the population from back then.

What we have is 24 hour news networks that have airtime to fill, incredibly overprotective "helicopter parents" that want to know where their child is at every moment of every day, and a media-created culture of fear that there are legions of perverts relentlessly stalking every child out there. Sexual predators exist, this is true, but last time I checked, it was far,far more likely for a child to be molested by someone they know, be it family or a family friend, than a stranger. If anything, we hear about it more now because children have it drilled into them about it being bad and might be more likely to report it.

The end result is paranoia and fear, and that is what has fueled a lot of the replies to this thread, irrational fear and paranoia. Either the irrational fear and paranoia of others that will lead to life-ruining false accusations, or the irrational fear and paranoia that your child will be the victim of some pedophile tracking them down and seducing them.

What he (and Mustrum) said. I know a large number of people who have been sexually molested in childhood, and the ratio is about 5:1 between people who were molested by someone they knew well and those who were molested by a stranger. The molestation especially often seems to be by people who shared a house with the victim (whether family or not).

 

[Katowice]

Ditto that. I have kids and they won't be playing with any 30-year-olds unless they (kids) are adults, or the 30-year-olds are family.

[
I get the impression that there are almost no parents in this thread, so frankly, there's not much point to the discussion. Those of you who say, "Well, if I were a parent, I--" are just blowing smoke out of your yinyang, because unless you are a parent, you have no idea what it's like.

I have a daughter, and if she wanted to play D&D with a bunch of 30-year old guys, I would say to myself, "What the heck are these grown men doing wanting to hang out with a teenage girl? Ye gods."

Oh well. One day when you all have kids of your own, you will understand. I will now politely bow out of this conversation.

 

[Charwoman Gene]

Pedophillia is a mental illness, and unless for some explicable reason

Fixed that for you.

Increasing access to desensitizing media.
General isolation of children from parents.

 

[Jeysie]

Sexual predators exist, this is true, but last time I checked, it was far,far more likely for a child to be molested by someone they know, be it family or a family friend, than a stranger.

What he (and Mustrum) said. I know a large number of people who have been sexually molested in childhood, and the ratio is about 5:1 between people who were molested by someone they knew well and those who were molested by a stranger. The molestation especially often seems to be by people who shared a house with the victim (whether family or not).

QFT. All the kids I've personally known who were abused, either sexually or "just" physically/verbally, were abused by either their classmates or by people living in the same house as them (usually *also* kids their own age or slightly older). The only place I've ever heard of a kid getting abused by an adult stranger/predator was in the media. And the media is notorious for focusing almost only on the "exciting" news that they can sensationalize.

The end result is paranoia and fear, and that is what has fueled a lot of the replies to this thread, irrational fear and paranoia. Either the irrational fear and paranoia of others that will lead to life-ruining false accusations, or the irrational fear and paranoia that your child will be the victim of some pedophile tracking them down and seducing them.

Exactly. There *are* dangers out there to kids. But I think far too often parents focus on what the media/society claims is important/likely, and overlook what really *is* important/likely.

Peace & Luv, Liz

 

[king_ghidorah]

Working in Higher Ed for the last ten or so years, I can tell you society HAS changed. Helicopter parents and 'kids' who call mommy and daddy when they failed a test after not attending class for two months because it "wasn't fair" -- and the parents calling the Dean to complain! A lot of kids are taking a LOT longer to grow up - and parents are more protective, and prone to reacting first, thinking later if ANYTHING untoward can be PERCEIVED as happening to their child.

20 years ago you let your seven year old roam the neigborhood at all hours for Halloween, DESPITE the usual 'razor blade in apples' rumors. Today, trick or treaters gather in herds with shepherds leading them to 'safe' looking houses.

The world is a different place. Honestly, I would be uncomfortable with a 14 year old at my gaming table - male or female. Partly because of their maturity, partly because of perception, and partly because of the content of my game.

Yes - maybe that's an American perspective and not as applicable to the Australian experience - but does the potential risk outweigh whatever can be deduced as a benefit?

I would even add as someone who has worked in higher ed for over 15 years, that universities will not support staff if there is any perception that you have crossed the boundary from purely business interactions. I work as an academic advisor in a large public university, and work with a large number of undergraduates, some who come to me on a regular basis and have relationships with me from orientation through graduation. I will hug those in need of comfort, touch students on the shoulder -- in other words, try to be as warm and human as possible in interactions. And have been warned by university counsel that I should not ever do such things because, if a student or a parent complains (even a third party), the university will not defend me against a complaint because such conduct is not part of my job.

The university will want to avoid any claims of liability and wants to show it is active in pursuing complaints, so will throw me to the wolves. Many colleagues will thus avoid any personal contact to protect themselves.

I suspect things are similar for teachers at the K-12 level, and that the struggle to balance warm, human care with legal liability is there as well.

 

[Dire Bare]

Exactly, unless you can present some hard statistics, I'm not going to believe that child molestation is any more common now than it was 20, 30 or 50 years ago. Pedophillia is a mental illness, and unless for some inexplicable reason it's vastly on the rise, the number of pedophiles is going to be proportional to the population from back then.

What we have is 24 hour news networks that have airtime to fill, incredibly overprotective "helicopter parents" that want to know where their child is at every moment of every day, and a media-created culture of fear that there are legions of perverts relentlessly stalking every child out there. Sexual predators exist, this is true, but last time I checked, it was far,far more likely for a child to be molested by someone they know, be it family or a family friend, than a stranger. If anything, we hear about it more now because children have it drilled into them about it being bad and might be more likely to report it.

The end result is paranoia and fear, and that is what has fueled a lot of the replies to this thread, irrational fear and paranoia. Either the irrational fear and paranoia of others that will lead to life-ruining false accusations, or the irrational fear and paranoia that your child will be the victim of some pedophile tracking them down and seducing them.

I agree with you on many points, that we currently live in a media-saturated society of fear and paranoia regarding child molestation, terrorism, crime, and etc.

While parents should be actively engaged with their children's lives and should exercise caution and worry in their kid's relations to other adults . . . the fear of sexual predators under every rock and tree (especially in the public school system) IS paranoid to the extreme.

Most teachers get into the profession because they love teaching and they love kids (not in the bad way), and would never dream of hurting or molesting a child. However, teachers and administrators worried about being falsely accused of molestation IS NOT an irrational fear, but a sad fact of our work environment.

It is our "fear-and-paranoia" society that forces teachers to be hyper-aware of this danger. If you are accused by a child, a parent, or by a third-party of molestation or inappropriate behavior . . . you don't even have to be convicted in a court of law, there's a damn good chance your teaching career is over. And if you are convicted . . . prison and a lifetime with the scarlet letter of "molestor" and "rapist".

If I were not a teacher, I would consider allowing a 14-yr-old girl into my D&D game as long as I got to meet the parents and make sure they were okay with everything.

However, as a teacher, the only kids under the age of 18 allowed in any of my games would be my own kids (if I ever have any, that is).

Paranoid? Yes. Irrational? Sadly, no.