D&D General Bad D&D jokes needed


We are currently playing through the Tomb of Annihilation, and one of the characters has picked up a floating skeleton called Yakka who constantly spouts bad jokes. Constantly. The problem is, I'm tapped out of skull and skeleton themed jokes.

Anyone know any terrible jokes that would be appropriate coming from a floating skull?

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He Who Lurks Beyond The Veil
”What do you get when an orc meets a halfling? -About two quarterlings.”

There was some AD&D book filled with bad jokes, but that is the only one I recall...

Edit: Actually, I think I’m way off... That one must have been from some 3rd party book, but one of the Elminster Ecologies book had a page or so with goblin themed jokes... Maybe...
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Dragon Magazine used to put a couple of limericks in Dragon Mirth for a while. Here are the ones I have:

Upon drinking a Philter of Love,
An Elf suffered effects thereof.
As his head started reeling,
He looked to the ceiling.
Now he’s wedded a Lurker Above!

She though it true love she’d found,
When the handsome young centaur came ‘round.
But one roll in the hay,
And he trotted away;
He t’was only horsing around!

Mina found her new lover a blast.
Their romance kindled so fast.
But when she took him to bed,
She found him undead.
Both he and she were a-ghast!

A dour old dwarf named Fritz,
T’was burned right where he sits.
That happens, they say,
When you get in the way
Of a Dragon just as he spits!

A Wily old Wizard named Pops
Polymorphed men ‘mong the treetops
When accosted by thieves
With no tricks up his sleeves,
He would smile, and call for the copse!

A boastful young knave was a-braggin,
‘Bout the time that he bested a dragon,
And to get more attention
He neglected to mention
That the dragon was carved on a flagon.

A jester was seeking a rhyme
To placate his Lord for a time.
He joke of undead
And kept wearing his head.
A lich in line save mime.

A wyrm found a knight its hoard stealing,
Not knowing his fate he was sealing
Wyrm grimaced and said,
“It’s not killing I dread,
But the time that it takes for the Peeling.”

A nymph, one of peace’s proponents,
Never fights, but seduces opponents.
Their violence she’s quell
As if using a spell.
You should see her material components.


What does the skeleton do?
Does a skeleton know how to play a harpsichord?
When does a skeleton run?

Answer to all:
That depends on the necromancer

(Stole that from a scene in DDO)


How do you know there's a halfling in your fridge? - Footprints in the butter.
How do you know there's a dwarf in your fridge? - All your beer is gone, and there are footprints in the butter.
How do you know there's a sorcerer in your fridge? - FIREBALL!


I would just google Dad jokes, many can be used in D&D setting.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!

Also throw in some from Dad jokes D&D and get gems like:
Why did the necromancer's wife leave him?
Because he wouldn't raise kids.

Because about all I can think of is:
What's a ghost's favorite food?


Nightmare before Christmas and that Day of the Dead disney cartoon a couple years back both should have some knucklebone-and-skull style slapstick. Just don't use them if any of your players have young kids in the house, as they'll have seen them dozens of times and will just roll their eyes at you.


The new Readers Digest has several pirate themed ones.

What is a pirate's favorite letter? Most people will say R (Arrr). Answer; You think is is R, but it is really the C.
What is the smelliest place on the pirate ship? The poop deck
How much did the pirate pay for his hook and wooden peg? An arm and a leg.

There were several more.


Two logs get put in the fireplace. One log says "Is it hot in here, or is it just me?"
The other log says "By the gods! A talking log!"


Guest 6801328

An old blind beggar sits down in a tavern, and says to the innkeeper, "Hey I don't have any copper pieces on me, but I'll tell you a Paladin joke for a flagon of ale."

Just then, someone taps the blind beggar on the shoulder, and says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The innkeeper? Well, he's a retired adventurer. A Paladin. Me? I’m an eight foot tall, 300 pound goliath Paladin. The girl sitting next to me is an oath of vengeance Paladin, and she has killed more people than she has talked to. The fellow to your left has a holy avenger and is itchin' for a fight. The person behind you took an oath too, and they want nothing more than to Conquer and spread a little misery. Each one of us is a Paladin. Now, think about it, buddy. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind beggar thinks for a second, and then replies, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times."

I love jokes that can be recycled to slur anybody you choose.

My turn:

You're in locked room with Drizzt Do'Urden, Demogorgon, and Asmodeus, and you have two hand crossbows, each with a single dart of Instant Death Without A Saving Throw. What do you do?

Shoot Drizzt Twice.

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