Campaign quotes

[Vurt]

The party sorcerer and cleric return to their fixer who gave them the job of cleaning out an orc stronghold, the body of the fallen barbarian being carried between them.

Fixer: "What happened out there!?!"

Cleric: "Well... First the sorcerer turned us all invisible. And then they snuck up on us!!!"

 

[Blasphemonkey]

Here's some goodies from our last game (Story Hour soon to come):

"I'm going to save the half-orc as well," Blackraven said, using his trained skill at healing.
"Why do we want two people left?" Wiglaf asked.
"Just in case the spell doesn't work," Brennan replied.
"Well, you see," Edwin interjected. "If we spew out the entrails of one, it should make the other one more cooperative."
"Plus we can stuff those entrails into the other one's mouth," Blackraven said.
"We could make one watch as we torture the other," Brennan continued.
The paladin cleared her throat and said, "I just may have a problem with that."


"Interesting," Brennan commented. "None of them were carrying any money. Edwin, do you have any Detect Thoughts spells memorized?"
"Yes. We could use that. Let's wake them up. This is an invasion of privacy, if I've ever heard it."
"So is stabbing someone with a sword."
"Okay, fair enough."
Blackraven said, "No, that's an invasion of life force."


(Later, they are interrogating one of the prisoners. He is not answering, yet they can hear all the answers in his mind, thanks to a Detect Thoughts spell.)
Brennan said, "So...if you give us three excellent reasons why we shouldn't kill you, we'll consider it."
Edwin said, "You don't have to answer right now, just think about it."


Edwin walked over and opened the tome. As he did so, a transparent figure of a male human appeared next to the door, and the door seemed to slam shut of it's own volition. Then with a click, they heard it lock. It was a Ghost. Edwin said, "I'm sorry, I just got the party killed."


- Blasphemonkey

 

[NewJeffCT]

Player: huge human barbarian type (rolled up 6'11" 300 pounds on the chart) being role-played with an Arnold-as-Conan accent.

Scene: a crowded market in Geanavue during a big holiday. Adult human males in Geanavue are a little over 5 feet tall on average, with females being a bit under. Small girl, under 10 years old, tries to snatch his money pouch. Barbarian rolls high on his spot check and notices girl snagging pouch.

Barbarian response, open mouth, insert foot: "Guard, she grabbed my pouch!"


Scene: later that evening in a large fest hall watching the group’s bard perform. A bouncy tune ensues and some of the young ladies in the hall start dancing around in association with the performance. Naturally, the big barbarian is picked out by a petite young lady as a dancing partner. Group, laughing at the scene, starts tossing coins onto the dance floor.

Barbarian: "Watch out, you could hit me in the eye!"

Much questioning of barbarian's masculinity ensues in game and out.

 

[NewJeffCT]

In a recent game the party was up against a large group of Ghouls. Things were going poorly with one party memeber reduced to 0 hp and another paralyzed. The party cleric, unable to roll anything above a 3 for his turn checks was getting frustrated and, apprently, quite terrified as the paralyzed Monk was dragged off by the ghouls. His turn in initiative comes up decides to try turnign again and he shouts (this is off colour so please excuse the '*'s)

'F*** Back!'

We all paused and burst out laughing. Apparently he was trying to say 'Get the **** back!' but he was so worked up with the near desperate situation the party was in he could only get out those two words. It has now become the battlecry of the party.

Our group had a similar situation a few years back. A studly barbarian PC who was one of the last survivors of his tribe that was massacred by some evil types joined our group as part of a band protecting a caravan on a long trek across Kalamar.

A female in the caravan decided to approach the studly barbarian and flirt with him. His response: "I don't go that way with women." [I believe he had meant to say something like, "I don't go that way with women NOT OF MY TRIBE,"]

So, the DM, without missing a beat has the female NPC respond about finding him a man... needless to say, the player has not lived that one down.

 

[Pierce]

It seems like most of the quotes that make us fall out of our chairs come from the player who plays Joe Empire in our modern campaign (SH link in sig). For some of his better ones, check out the SH. In the meantime, here's a couple from our fantasy campaign:

Vaspar just got hit by something really big. The DM is cringing and picking up a LOT of dice:
DM: How many hit points to you have?
V: All of them!

P1: We can try a guerilla warfare type of thing...
V: Cool! Who can summon gorillas?!?

Vaspar is describing our exploits to an NPC
V: We killed three of those things-
P1: You mean two.
V: Three!! You weren't there!

V: You realize we have to kill them.... They're getting laid and I'm not.

To the combat-heavy PCs:
V: You go kill 'em, I'll cover the tree

And finally, one from Ferrison (same player as Willie in the SH). Ferrison was well known for having weird quirks, esoteric magic items and a penchant for spy networks. In this instance our party was ambushed while encamped. His tent is on fire and the DM is rolling to see if it survives the inferno:
DM: Is there anything special about the tent?
F: Yeah! It's mine!!

 

[Orius]

From my campaign:

The party's fighter and wizard are questioning an agent of the campaign bad guys in a brothel. Aftere the get the information they want from him, they kill him. The wizard searches him for treasure:

Wizard: Does he have anything on his body?
Me: Yeah, sores.

 

[Kender42]

Okay, I have a couple more.

Vampire:

Player 1: "I can do it! I have MAD Auspex!"
Player 2 (Looking at Player 1's sheet): A 1??

------

Vampire/Werewolf:

GM: The price of the city, being sorely wounded, shifts into blood form and flows up the wall.

Me: (As a big, Crinos Garou to a player playing a Vamp) Andy, DRINK HIM!!!

GM: (look of horror)

(It ended up working. In a macabre scene of one of us holding the slurping vampire up to the ceiling and running around the room, and the other following with a mop.)

-------

P1: I cast Ghost Sound. I want it to be the most god-awful screeching noise.

P2: Like this? (does the 'most annoying sound' sound from Dumb and Dumber)

P1: No, I was thinking more like the sound of a minotaur raping a cat.

-------

(P2 does 26 pts of damage in a sneak attack to this guy's groin in the courtyard of a manor house. Upstairs....)

P1: *holds his hand up, affects a listening pose* "Hear that? That was a testicle popping. It was as if a million sperm cried out.. then were suddenly silenced."

 

[just__al]

rPlayer 1: I want to track them, do I find fresh prints?
DM: Sure, no problem
Player 1: I follow the fresh prints
ME: *snicker*
Player 2: *giggle*
DM: What are you two up two?
ME: Nothing, just something stuck me as funny.
DM: What?
ME: You don't want me to say....
Player 1: What is it?
ME: Did DJ Jazzy Jeff make the fresh prints?

 

[BSF]

Ok - This was about 15 years ago with the 1st edition of WEG's Star Wars. I was playing a smuggler (Player #1), my friend was playing a wookie (Player #2), we had a bounty hunter(Player #3) and one other character (Player #4) in the party. It is either really late in the night, or very early in the morning, depending on your preference. The group is in an imperial installation and we are in a multi-level shaft. The bounty hunter has just used his jet pack to reach the top level. The wookie is a few levels below him, the rest of us are waiting for the two of them to drop us a rope and help pull us up.

Alas, the imps have twigged to our presence in the installation. A squad of stormtroopers has just found us and is pinning us down with blaster fire while another squad starts setting up a repeating blaster. Things are looking bad, really bad.

The bounty hunter decides to fix the situation by popping out his Thermal Detonator and tossing it down to the level where the imps are. Player #3 rolls just well enough to drop it down next to the wookie. Thinking quickly, the wookie decides to kick it off his platform. Heck, maybe it will still get near the imps. Player #2 rolls even worse. The wookie manages to step forward, kick up his leg and land on his butt. From below, all we can tell is that the bounty hunter just dropped a grenade or something on the wookie.

**BOOM**

Player #4 looks up at the GM and asks "Do we see feathers?"

A few moments of dead silence ensue as each of thinks "Did he just say what I thought he said?" Then, Player #2 starts laughing so hard he is holding his stomach and trying not to fall out of his chair. Between laughs and gasps for air, we can make out the garbled words of "Feathers? F*****' Feathers? Wookies don't have feathers!" In short order we were all laughing. I remember having to go to another room because I had to lay down on the floor to stop laughing. That was the end of that session.

Alas, I no longer game with any of those people. So, when something does obscene amounts of damage and I have that urge to ask if we see feathers, nobody has any idea what I am talking about.

 

[ConnorSB]

P1: *holds his hand up, affects a listening pose* "Hear that? That was a testicle popping. It was as if a million sperm cried out.. then were suddenly silenced."

That gets my vote for the best movie tie in ever.