Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 2 postponed till next Thursday (9/28). Sorry, guys. I'll try to get this back on track.
Ceramic DM -- Fall '06 ** yangnome wins! **
- Thread starter Rodrigo Istalindir
- Start date
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Just got a bunch of stuff from maxfieldjadenfox. Still nothing from Herremann, but I think I've got enough now to resolve round 1. Look for something tonight after I get back from work.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Rodrigo Istalindir said:
I sent in round 1A a couple of weeks ago, but had a bunch of real life crises that kept me from being able to deal with round 1B til yesterday. Sorry guys. I thought the groups would be done separately, so I wasn't pushing as hard to get 1B judged since it was later... Hope we can get back on track.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 1a -- Judgements from maxfieldjadenfox
Judgements from maxfieldjadenfox
Hellefire vs NiTessine
The Cure
NiTessine
Nicely articulated world. While there isn't a lot of dialogue, each character comes across as an individual. The beholder is especially well written.
Picture Use: I thought the picture use was relatively strong, and being the D&D geek I am, I especially liked the Beholder and the Gulthias fruit. Nice twisted use of the images. The picture of the odd man was kind of a toss off, but did fit Alambur's illness pretty well.
I appreciated the sense of a complete story, with a beginning, middle and end, which sometimes doesn't happen with CDM. Nice description without getting overwrought.
Picky stuff: The clergy of Hereloke were, not was. "The lock was open, and Crimban merely had to pull it open" is redundant. What about, "The door was unlocked"?
All in all, a readable and enjoyable tale.
Long Live the King?
Hellefire
This was an interesting concept. I hope I'm getting this as a reference to Elvis' twin who died at birth? I'm guessing the name Esid is a reference to something but I wasn't able to rearrange the letters to anything but dies.
Picture Use: The funeral ship is an OK use of the photo, but I would have liked a bit more description. The photo of the odd man, as in NiTessine's piece, was a bit of a toss off. That being said, I'm not sure what more either of you could have done with it. The eyeball photo was used literally, as a surgery.
I thought Esid looking for "the King" and ultimately coming to the conclusion that he might be alive was really fun, but the twin muddied the waters. Actually, I had a hard time pinning the story down. It was an amusing concept, with some cool imagery going for it, but overall it felt incomplete. Maybe if I hadn't read Halivar's entry first and already figured the "King" in the story was Elvis, the O'Henry twist at the end would have worked better for me.
[sblock]Judgment for NiTessine. [/sblock]
Taladas vs WildGazebo
Sanctuary
Taladas
This is a very short story. A vignette, really. And yet, it has a beginning, a middle and an end. I like the red and the blood imagery repeating over and over. It was implied by the photos, but was used nicely in this concise piece.
Picture Use: The gazebo as a menacing reminder of a past incident, as well as a frequently visited place, works well for me and doesn't feel contrived. The bloody eyes piece is described well for the possession. The balloons picture use is not as strong, but serviceable.
All in all, I feel like this piece tells a story. There isn't much to it and I would be happier if it were fleshed out, but at the same time it does have resolution.
Of Eloquence and Understanding: To Wit
Wild Gazebo
This story has some really evocative images, and a dreamy, melancholy mood. That being said, I really was never sure what it was about. Maybe I am too concrete, but I don't believe so. I don't mind a meandering story, but I want a pay off and I didn't get one here. If the last line had been something about running home to find Mother, or something like that, I would have a clue what the whole thing was leading up to.
Picture Use: The description of the pictures is lovely here, and trying to tie them together as clues is admirable. But they don't necessarily need to be in the story. Even the gazebo feels extraneous and it is part of the garden.
Maybe the problem is, while I am a lover of words, I feel like this piece uses too many big ones. There are some neat turns of phrase, but lots of misuses and misspellings.
Example- Pilot for Pilate, furry for fury, penitents for penitence. (tell me if that's a European spelling) They are minor but they add up. I never understood the attack on the gazebo, or why Bunt ended up back at the Madonna statue, or what the clues actually were leading to, because they felt disparate. Confusing bits: "He certainly was a nice fellow, er lady" How was this person nice? And why penitence to consumption? I don't really see evidence of Bunt being a conspicuous consumer, just a diligent worker... Maybe I missed the point. I appreciate the overall Lovecraftian mood of the piece, but I would encourage you to think more about the story you're telling and less about the tricky turns of phrase.
[sblock]Judgement for Taladas[/sblock]
Paka vs DeuceTraveller
First Baby Step Toward the World's End
Paka
I really liked this concept. It's witty and well executed.
Picture Use: Man near pipes. This photo sets up the whole story. The doll in the blanket furthers the story and the slide ends it nicely. Overall, I think the picture use is pretty strong here.
The story is charming. The characters are nicely defined and well written. This is an example of how a short story should work, it's clear and concise, gives me a real sense of character and place and follows through.
The 22nd Anniversary of a Homecoming
Deuce Traveler
I always enjoy stories of some magical realm intersecting with ours. PETPC Made me laugh.
Picture Use: The homunculus in the blanket was funny and did advance the story. The slide and pipes pictures really were throw aways, just fixtures at locations that weren't really important to the story.
The idea of the Derro as crime lords is an interesting one, and Robert the repo man is a sympathetic character. I'd like to see what you could do with this story without the picture restrictions. Feels like part of a longer piece.
[sblock]Vote for Paka[/sblock]
Halivar vs Aris Dragonborn
Billy's Reckoning
Halivar
I got a huge kick out of Billy's Reckoning. I thought the characters were well done and I about wet myself over the "the democrats won" line.
Picture Use: The house photo was kind of a toss off, but it did establish a sense of place for these folk. The machine was obviously the time machine and is very important to the plot, and the star kid photo was used in an interesting way.
Billy and Vern are great characters. The setting and plot worked well. I think they should have spent a bit more time in the future as everything after they were fed beer and steak seemed a bit rushed. All in all though, a fun and nicely crafted tale.
Default to Halivar
Judgements from maxfieldjadenfox
Hellefire vs NiTessine
The Cure
NiTessine
Nicely articulated world. While there isn't a lot of dialogue, each character comes across as an individual. The beholder is especially well written.
Picture Use: I thought the picture use was relatively strong, and being the D&D geek I am, I especially liked the Beholder and the Gulthias fruit. Nice twisted use of the images. The picture of the odd man was kind of a toss off, but did fit Alambur's illness pretty well.
I appreciated the sense of a complete story, with a beginning, middle and end, which sometimes doesn't happen with CDM. Nice description without getting overwrought.
Picky stuff: The clergy of Hereloke were, not was. "The lock was open, and Crimban merely had to pull it open" is redundant. What about, "The door was unlocked"?
All in all, a readable and enjoyable tale.
Long Live the King?
Hellefire
This was an interesting concept. I hope I'm getting this as a reference to Elvis' twin who died at birth? I'm guessing the name Esid is a reference to something but I wasn't able to rearrange the letters to anything but dies.
Picture Use: The funeral ship is an OK use of the photo, but I would have liked a bit more description. The photo of the odd man, as in NiTessine's piece, was a bit of a toss off. That being said, I'm not sure what more either of you could have done with it. The eyeball photo was used literally, as a surgery.
I thought Esid looking for "the King" and ultimately coming to the conclusion that he might be alive was really fun, but the twin muddied the waters. Actually, I had a hard time pinning the story down. It was an amusing concept, with some cool imagery going for it, but overall it felt incomplete. Maybe if I hadn't read Halivar's entry first and already figured the "King" in the story was Elvis, the O'Henry twist at the end would have worked better for me.
[sblock]Judgment for NiTessine. [/sblock]
Taladas vs WildGazebo
Sanctuary
Taladas
This is a very short story. A vignette, really. And yet, it has a beginning, a middle and an end. I like the red and the blood imagery repeating over and over. It was implied by the photos, but was used nicely in this concise piece.
Picture Use: The gazebo as a menacing reminder of a past incident, as well as a frequently visited place, works well for me and doesn't feel contrived. The bloody eyes piece is described well for the possession. The balloons picture use is not as strong, but serviceable.
All in all, I feel like this piece tells a story. There isn't much to it and I would be happier if it were fleshed out, but at the same time it does have resolution.
Of Eloquence and Understanding: To Wit
Wild Gazebo
This story has some really evocative images, and a dreamy, melancholy mood. That being said, I really was never sure what it was about. Maybe I am too concrete, but I don't believe so. I don't mind a meandering story, but I want a pay off and I didn't get one here. If the last line had been something about running home to find Mother, or something like that, I would have a clue what the whole thing was leading up to.
Picture Use: The description of the pictures is lovely here, and trying to tie them together as clues is admirable. But they don't necessarily need to be in the story. Even the gazebo feels extraneous and it is part of the garden.
Maybe the problem is, while I am a lover of words, I feel like this piece uses too many big ones. There are some neat turns of phrase, but lots of misuses and misspellings.
Example- Pilot for Pilate, furry for fury, penitents for penitence. (tell me if that's a European spelling) They are minor but they add up. I never understood the attack on the gazebo, or why Bunt ended up back at the Madonna statue, or what the clues actually were leading to, because they felt disparate. Confusing bits: "He certainly was a nice fellow, er lady" How was this person nice? And why penitence to consumption? I don't really see evidence of Bunt being a conspicuous consumer, just a diligent worker... Maybe I missed the point. I appreciate the overall Lovecraftian mood of the piece, but I would encourage you to think more about the story you're telling and less about the tricky turns of phrase.
[sblock]Judgement for Taladas[/sblock]
Paka vs DeuceTraveller
First Baby Step Toward the World's End
Paka
I really liked this concept. It's witty and well executed.
Picture Use: Man near pipes. This photo sets up the whole story. The doll in the blanket furthers the story and the slide ends it nicely. Overall, I think the picture use is pretty strong here.
The story is charming. The characters are nicely defined and well written. This is an example of how a short story should work, it's clear and concise, gives me a real sense of character and place and follows through.
The 22nd Anniversary of a Homecoming
Deuce Traveler
I always enjoy stories of some magical realm intersecting with ours. PETPC Made me laugh.
Picture Use: The homunculus in the blanket was funny and did advance the story. The slide and pipes pictures really were throw aways, just fixtures at locations that weren't really important to the story.
The idea of the Derro as crime lords is an interesting one, and Robert the repo man is a sympathetic character. I'd like to see what you could do with this story without the picture restrictions. Feels like part of a longer piece.
[sblock]Vote for Paka[/sblock]
Halivar vs Aris Dragonborn
Billy's Reckoning
Halivar
I got a huge kick out of Billy's Reckoning. I thought the characters were well done and I about wet myself over the "the democrats won" line.
Picture Use: The house photo was kind of a toss off, but it did establish a sense of place for these folk. The machine was obviously the time machine and is very important to the plot, and the star kid photo was used in an interesting way.
Billy and Vern are great characters. The setting and plot worked well. I think they should have spent a bit more time in the future as everything after they were fed beer and steak seemed a bit rushed. All in all though, a fun and nicely crafted tale.
Default to Halivar
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Round 1a -- Judgements from Berandor
"Hello?" I asked. Nobody answered. Slowly, I crept into the house.
The door had been leaning open when I arrived, sent by Rodrigo Istalindir to find out what happened to Herreman the Wise. It was foolish to enter the house unbidden, but I couldn't return without some kind of information on the missing judge.
The hallway lay silent and dark. Beyond, I could see flickering light shine beneath a set of double doors leading into what I surmised was the living room. There was noise coming from that door, as if someone was watching TV too loudly. I shook my head in relief. Probably, Herreman hadn't heard the bell. I strode towards the door and opened it.
Beyond was a large room, bereft of most furtiniture. There was a giant TV screen at the wall, showing what seemed like a match of Mortal Kombat. Under the screen was a small alter made from plastic fashioned to look like human bones, with candles sitting atop plastic skulls. At least, I hoped it was plastic. Two skeletal hands protuded from the altar, holding a scythe made from ivory, its blade shining dark and hungry.
But that was at the other end of the room. The way to the altar was flanked by eight wooden pedestals on either side. Four on either side were empty. A few sheets of vellum lay on each of the other eight, tiny letters cratched upon them.
That was everything, as far as furniture went. And then, there were the gnupfs. Herreman had told me about them, but we'd both been drunk, and frankly, I didn't much believe in tiny, four-inch tall goblinoid beings unless I saw them myself. Until I saw them myself. There were about eleven gnupfs clustered in front of the altar. Two groups of five were handling a game controller, each, with the ninth gnupf commenting the Mortal Kombat like a TV reporter. One gnupf each pullled at the control sticks, one gnupf was responsible for the front buttons, and a last one had to press the side buttons.
"Excuse me?" I announced my arrival. The gnupfs stopped playing, and two of them hurried off behind the altar. The others simply looked at me, saying nothing. It was the scythe that spoke.
"You're not the usual one." Its – her voice was cold and sent a chill down my spine.
"Herreman? No. Actually – I was looking for him. I guess he's not here, then? Oh, well. I'll leave him a note."
The door swung shut behind me. I pulled, but it wouldn't budge. Just then, the image on the TV changed to show me, backed up against the double doors of Herreman's living room. One of the gnupfs held a tiny camera, and a second one was monitoring the feed, giving a thumbs up.
"You'll do," said the scythe. What had Herreman called her? Lady something unpleasant. Death? Rejection? Deadline? Lady Deadline. That was it.
"Umm, listen, my– Mylady," I began. "I don't actually have time to-"
"I'm hungry. And bored."
Suddenly two gnupfs were standing on the pedestals, pointing at the texts next to them, while four others had grabbed my shoelaces and pulled me towards the altar. I stumbled forward, grabbed the first set of texts as I went, and looked them over. They were contest entries, alright.
"Choose the sacrifice," Lady Deadline demanded. Actually, I believe her name was Lady Death. But demand she did.
"Choose. Choose. Choose," came a tiny chorus from the assembled gnupfs. They had climbed the alter with surprising agility. One of them grabbed at a text and tried to pull it from my fingers.
"Hey!" I shouted. "At least let me read these things."
"But hurry," said the scythe. She needn't have to worry. Hurry I would. The sooner I'd get out of here, the sooner I could find an open bar and drown my memory in a bittersweet flood of alcohol.
"Okay, let's see. This is Wild Gazebo vs. Taladas. Hmm... Wild Gazebo impressed me with his vocabulary and flowery style, whereas Taladas's tale was plainer. But also, it was simple to understand, whereas I felt Wild Gazebo went overboard with metaphors and adjectives and similes and whatnot, so that every sentence was its own jungle, with no clear path leading through the vegetation. Honestly, I don't know that I understood everything, and I'm still a little unclear about what it all meant. But it sounded good."
Three gnupfs seemed impressed by this first part of my judgement, and 2 went over to Taladas, while 1 stood on Wild Gazebo's side.
"I liked the idea of Taladas's story, about a man that finds redemption in helping others. Very nice. But it's the implementation that counts, and it failed to impress me. This reads like a vignette, like a small part of a much larger story, not like a story in its own right. We need some sort of conflict here, and what little there is amounts to nothing. The priest's epiphany at the end comes without a cost, without tension, it just happens. So "Sanctuary" left me rather cold.
"Reading "Of Eloquence and Understanding: to Wit" was more interesting, definitely. There were the signs which kept my focus high. Signs for what? And how were the balloons signs? Unfortunately, we never really find out. The protagonist is banished (or banishes himself) into an infinite garden, but to what end? And in the end, he's dead beneath Mary's statue (or is he alive), while said statue begins to weep blood. And that's the fourth sign. It seems I lack the Eloquence for Understanding."
The gnupfs discussed among themselves for some time, until finally, a second gnupf walked over on Wild Gazebo's side. The rest remained standing in the middle.
"It comes to the pictures to decide this." The TV screen image changed again, showing the three pictures with me in the fourth corner.
"The bloody face: Taladas gave us a nice little excorcism. Do these things ever go well? I mean, ever? It's creepy, and it's fitting, and at least it's nothing with peas in it. Wild Gazebo had the Mary cry blood, and I really enjoy that idea and imagery. I think that Taladas's use is more important to the story, however, which could be dependent on my understanding of Mary's tears (or lack thereof)."
One gnupf casually walked over to Taladas's side.
"The gazebo: Here's where the preacher met the woman he couldn't save. There's no real reason it's a gazebo, or anything, but it's somewhat important simply for its function. With Wild Gazebo, he does it better, perhaps he has an affinity for these structures. This gazebo is a beguilingly idyllic creature in the middle of an endless garden, a torment by being so peaceful. I wouldn't want to be sent there, either."
One gnupf went over to Wild Gazebo, and the groups made noses at each other.
"Finally, the church with ballons: Here's where Taladas drops the ball. He tries to make the picture into the very thing that changes the priest's outlook, but it comes out of the blue, both that change and the importance of the church fest. Oh, hey, there's a mother, I guess I better stay. But I admire the idea, which only enabled him to drop the ball that much. On the other hand, this is Wild Gazebo's first sign. I smiled at the time warp effect of baloons escaping to the sky, but we never find out what the sign is for, and since I don't really think the narrator saw and interpreted the sign correctly, I'm not sure that counts for much."
The three gnupfs in the middle looked at me. They did not move.
"In the end, I'd say Taladas had the better idea, but the worse implementation. It's hard to decide upon this, because without any ideas, you can't write anything, and often contestants get better in round two. But on the other hand, I can't judge what could have been, only what is. And in that case, I think Wild Gazebo did a slightly better job."
I held the vellum pages aloft. "Uhm, what do I do now?"
"Put it on my blade," said Lady Death. It was then I realized she didn't really speak, as in out loud. Her words simply formed in my head.
I did as I was told. The pages slid down the curved blade, and as they did, the vellum blackened, until it was reduced to ashes.
"Fatality!" the gnupfs cried happily. Then they rushed off to hand me the second pair of texts.
"Uh... Hellefire vs. NiTessine," I read. Flipping the pages, I could feel the gnupfs stare at me, fidgeting impatiently.
"Hellefire really had a wonderful story here, complete with rising tension and climax. Of course, it's a slightly twisty climax, almost a Ceramic DM prerequisite. I did found out who the King was before I was told, but it was still late in the story. Very nice. And alien, it was a very alien story. It's difficult to write a familiar experience in unfamiliar terms without sounding trite or confusing.
"NiTessine had a wholly different story, and he managed the difficult task of incorporating real-world pictures into a fantasy environment. I didn't really want Alambur to be saved, in the end. What they did to the beholder was just mean! Also a very nice story, even though I enjoyed the alien-ness of Hellefire's a smidgen more. The reason being that "The Cure" didn't really have any conflict. It was just a summary of how Alambut got cured. He goes that way, and tortures a beholder, and then he goes the other way and calls in a favor. That's not very dramatic."
This time, 4 gnupfs went over to Hellefire right away, and 3 went to NiTessine. It seemed the gnupfs had enjoyed reading as much as I had.
"The pictures, then. The sphinctery thing: Don't tell me what it really is. I don't want to know. Hellefire makes this the subject of an iris operation, a particularly painful one. I don't know why the protagonist loses his second half during the operation, other than maybe Hellefire lost interest in using the second voice. NiTessine shows us a beholder being tortured in a really, really bad way. So much so that I didn't know whether Alamber was supposed to be cured in the end, because I hate that guy now. It may have even harmed the narrative, but any picture that provokes an emotional reponse like this one did gets my vote.
"Merry-go-round: Hellefire's use was very nice, making a merry-go-round (or is it a fountain? I have no idea) into an alien spaceship crashed head-first into the ground. NiTessine ignored the background and changed scale (I hope, unless it's a really big apple) to show us Alamber's cure. For both stories, this picture is the quest item and goal of the plot. I just don't like changing a picture too much, and while I enjoyed the apple as real, leaving the city out of the desciption just makes this seem a little weaker than Hellefire's."
The sitting man: Or, picture 1, as both of you called it. I don't know which use is weaker. NiTessine shows us the protagonist waking up. He's ill. That's it. Hellefire uses the picture similarly, but here at least I learn for sure that Esid is disguised as human. So by that count, this is Hellefire's pic."
That made 6 gnupfs to 3 for Hellefire. The gnupfs rejoiced. "Fatality!"
I was hardly finished pinning the vellum on Lady Death when the gnupfs held the next two stories up.
"I need a break", I said. The gnupfs continued holding the pages up.
"A beer? At least some coffee?"
Lady Death shook her head. Yeah, I know that sounds impossible, but she didn't say anything, and still I knew my requests had been denied.
"Fine." I grabbed the stories, quick enough to catch one gnupf unawares and send him over the altar's edge. The gnupf plummeted down and landed with a satisfying splat, but it seemed unhurt. It stood up, rubbed its backside and fixed me with a malevolent stare. I ignored it.
"So what do we have here? Halivar vs. Aris Dragonborn." I flipped through the pages. "Alright. I was enthralled by Halivar's story. Was it pre-written? Because coing up with that in three days is quite a feat. There were numerous shout-outs to equally as numerous sci-fi programming. This story contained the best elements of a farce, constantly raising the absurdity a notch, until even eating Weena meat doesn't seem that gross (talking about Republicans, of course). And the end was just right, inevitable and still surprising. Wonderful story, more of that and Halivar might just win this thing altogether."
4 gnupfs quickly made their way over to Halivar's side, but the one that had fallen went to Aris Dragonborn's side, sticking its tongue out at me.
"Aris Dragonborn's story had a few places where I felt we got redundant information, but here it's not only coming up with the story, but writing it. It's almost a novella, and true to D&D, too – except the Christian part, since D&D = devil. (Or our scythes would be much more friendly) I enjoyed this one, too, but since its dialogue and sequence of events wasn't as polished as Halivar's was, I'd consider it slightly weaker."
3 gnupfs went over to Aris, with the Fallen Gnupf still standing there, evening the score, whistling innocently.
"To the pictures." I reviews the stories. And then I noticed it. "Aris used the wrong pictures? Why do you make me read these two, then? I don't have time for this."
The gnupfs laughed heartily at my annoyance, and the camera gnupf zoomed right into my nose. I could count my nostrils as they flared in anger.
"Alright, since I already read this, let's make it quick. The drill press, the yellow freeform dance of death, these pics were used very well in Halivar's story, driving the narrative. The shed, not so much, since it's the patio of Billy's home, and not the time traveling shed (from what I gathered). Still, 2 of 3 very good."
"Aris, I missed a really great use of pics. The weeping one was nice, but up until then I thought one of the weeping kids at the beginning had been that pic. Other than that, good choice. The church and the gazebo weren't that important (especially the church), since afterwards there was this whole dungeon adventure following. Maybe if he had the gazebo open up into the dungeon, or placed it at the church or something, it would have been better. And really, Why did nobody have the gazebo attack someone?. Come on! If I were to judge, I'd give a totally deliberate 2-1 to Halivar."
The fell gnupf rushed across the altar, punched its remaining fellow and then, while it was reeling from the punch, dragged it into Aris's corner. It cackled madly.
"I don't care," I said. "Aris didn't even use the right pics!" I took Aris's story and pinned it on Lady Death, who quickly consumed it.
The gnupfs booed.
Still, they brought me the final paring – for now.
"Paka vs. Deuce Traveler," I read. "Well, I must say Paka's story hit me somewhat out of the blue. It was somewhat irreverend, but also quite serious. If there's anything I would have liked it to be fleshed out more, better explained. Especially the second part – while I like the idea of adults behaving irresponsible, I didn't really understand what Bub's tempting offer had to do with the rest of the story. Also, it's here I felt the dialogue could have used the most polish, it lacked grip. This story is also not too dramatic, with everything pretty much going as planned (despite the arch-angel stranding in hell). The final scene was a very nice idea, if a bit heavy-hitting. Still, it came full circle.
"Deuce Traveler's story was very entertaining. It was a serious story set in a somewhat whimsical universe. I really enjoyed the barbaric outbursts threatening to overcome the hero, and him having to take pills to quell them. There was also the magnificient "I felt like being railroaded". Still, for a barbarian, Robert was quite good at bluffing and, uh, thinking. And then you take his medecine away, and I want to see him punch someone. But I don't get to see that. Plus, the final sentence is a letdown, because it looks as if you didn't trust us to connect the dots ourselves, telling us explicitly about "barbaric desire"."
The gnupfs stared at me, expectantly.
"Yes, I'm done," I said. "Make up your own mind."
Shrugging, 3 gnupfs each went to Paka and Deuce Traveler. That left one for each pic.
"Man on Windwheel: I guess it should be "man on pump". Anyway, Deuce Traveler has the man set the story in motion, because he finds the heartstone and sells it to Robert's surprisingly well-off sister who wants to find a cure for a man she doesn't even visit anymore. Or something. Paka gives us a "wingless cherub in working gear", which on the idea alone gives him a good start. The cherub guards the pipe of responsibility, which is what the story is about – just like the heartstone. But cherub beats friendly worker.
"The tossed cthulhu puppet: Here, Paka gives us an out-of-the-blue use. Sure it's a cool tie-in to the responsibility theme, and this alone makes the picture a moderately good one, but why do these suits decide to play blanket-toss? Because it's in a picture, that's why. Deuce Traveler makes the picture important by introducing PETPC, a probable development for his fantasy world, and two people tossing a lovable little homunculus that steals Robert's pills. Good idea, but the loss of pills has no effect whatsoever on the story. Robert doesn't lose his temper. Mayhaps you ran out of time, but I really expected something to come off it."
"The slide of evil: Again, Deuce Traveler doesn't really grab me with his use. So he and his sister meet on a playground, and the slide's cool metal calms Robert a little. Alright. But the slide's not important, and Robert can't stay angry at his family, anyway. Paka ties the slide neatly into the story, having responsible kids forego sliding for a day. By its existence, this use also bolsters the second picture, since this is somewhat of a mirror image to the playing adults. All in all, very nice picture use, Paka."
The three gnupfs all made their way over to the same side.
"Yeah. Two very nice stories, one consistently better picture use."
I flung Deuce Traveler's story onto the blade, and it slid down with a curiously wet sound. The gnupfs were out of their minds.
"Fatality!"
"Sure," I said. "But can I please have a beer?"
"Hello?" I asked. Nobody answered. Slowly, I crept into the house.
The door had been leaning open when I arrived, sent by Rodrigo Istalindir to find out what happened to Herreman the Wise. It was foolish to enter the house unbidden, but I couldn't return without some kind of information on the missing judge.
The hallway lay silent and dark. Beyond, I could see flickering light shine beneath a set of double doors leading into what I surmised was the living room. There was noise coming from that door, as if someone was watching TV too loudly. I shook my head in relief. Probably, Herreman hadn't heard the bell. I strode towards the door and opened it.
Beyond was a large room, bereft of most furtiniture. There was a giant TV screen at the wall, showing what seemed like a match of Mortal Kombat. Under the screen was a small alter made from plastic fashioned to look like human bones, with candles sitting atop plastic skulls. At least, I hoped it was plastic. Two skeletal hands protuded from the altar, holding a scythe made from ivory, its blade shining dark and hungry.
But that was at the other end of the room. The way to the altar was flanked by eight wooden pedestals on either side. Four on either side were empty. A few sheets of vellum lay on each of the other eight, tiny letters cratched upon them.
That was everything, as far as furniture went. And then, there were the gnupfs. Herreman had told me about them, but we'd both been drunk, and frankly, I didn't much believe in tiny, four-inch tall goblinoid beings unless I saw them myself. Until I saw them myself. There were about eleven gnupfs clustered in front of the altar. Two groups of five were handling a game controller, each, with the ninth gnupf commenting the Mortal Kombat like a TV reporter. One gnupf each pullled at the control sticks, one gnupf was responsible for the front buttons, and a last one had to press the side buttons.
"Excuse me?" I announced my arrival. The gnupfs stopped playing, and two of them hurried off behind the altar. The others simply looked at me, saying nothing. It was the scythe that spoke.
"You're not the usual one." Its – her voice was cold and sent a chill down my spine.
"Herreman? No. Actually – I was looking for him. I guess he's not here, then? Oh, well. I'll leave him a note."
The door swung shut behind me. I pulled, but it wouldn't budge. Just then, the image on the TV changed to show me, backed up against the double doors of Herreman's living room. One of the gnupfs held a tiny camera, and a second one was monitoring the feed, giving a thumbs up.
"You'll do," said the scythe. What had Herreman called her? Lady something unpleasant. Death? Rejection? Deadline? Lady Deadline. That was it.
"Umm, listen, my– Mylady," I began. "I don't actually have time to-"
"I'm hungry. And bored."
Suddenly two gnupfs were standing on the pedestals, pointing at the texts next to them, while four others had grabbed my shoelaces and pulled me towards the altar. I stumbled forward, grabbed the first set of texts as I went, and looked them over. They were contest entries, alright.
"Choose the sacrifice," Lady Deadline demanded. Actually, I believe her name was Lady Death. But demand she did.
"Choose. Choose. Choose," came a tiny chorus from the assembled gnupfs. They had climbed the alter with surprising agility. One of them grabbed at a text and tried to pull it from my fingers.
"Hey!" I shouted. "At least let me read these things."
"But hurry," said the scythe. She needn't have to worry. Hurry I would. The sooner I'd get out of here, the sooner I could find an open bar and drown my memory in a bittersweet flood of alcohol.
"Okay, let's see. This is Wild Gazebo vs. Taladas. Hmm... Wild Gazebo impressed me with his vocabulary and flowery style, whereas Taladas's tale was plainer. But also, it was simple to understand, whereas I felt Wild Gazebo went overboard with metaphors and adjectives and similes and whatnot, so that every sentence was its own jungle, with no clear path leading through the vegetation. Honestly, I don't know that I understood everything, and I'm still a little unclear about what it all meant. But it sounded good."
Three gnupfs seemed impressed by this first part of my judgement, and 2 went over to Taladas, while 1 stood on Wild Gazebo's side.
"I liked the idea of Taladas's story, about a man that finds redemption in helping others. Very nice. But it's the implementation that counts, and it failed to impress me. This reads like a vignette, like a small part of a much larger story, not like a story in its own right. We need some sort of conflict here, and what little there is amounts to nothing. The priest's epiphany at the end comes without a cost, without tension, it just happens. So "Sanctuary" left me rather cold.
"Reading "Of Eloquence and Understanding: to Wit" was more interesting, definitely. There were the signs which kept my focus high. Signs for what? And how were the balloons signs? Unfortunately, we never really find out. The protagonist is banished (or banishes himself) into an infinite garden, but to what end? And in the end, he's dead beneath Mary's statue (or is he alive), while said statue begins to weep blood. And that's the fourth sign. It seems I lack the Eloquence for Understanding."
The gnupfs discussed among themselves for some time, until finally, a second gnupf walked over on Wild Gazebo's side. The rest remained standing in the middle.
"It comes to the pictures to decide this." The TV screen image changed again, showing the three pictures with me in the fourth corner.
"The bloody face: Taladas gave us a nice little excorcism. Do these things ever go well? I mean, ever? It's creepy, and it's fitting, and at least it's nothing with peas in it. Wild Gazebo had the Mary cry blood, and I really enjoy that idea and imagery. I think that Taladas's use is more important to the story, however, which could be dependent on my understanding of Mary's tears (or lack thereof)."
One gnupf casually walked over to Taladas's side.
"The gazebo: Here's where the preacher met the woman he couldn't save. There's no real reason it's a gazebo, or anything, but it's somewhat important simply for its function. With Wild Gazebo, he does it better, perhaps he has an affinity for these structures. This gazebo is a beguilingly idyllic creature in the middle of an endless garden, a torment by being so peaceful. I wouldn't want to be sent there, either."
One gnupf went over to Wild Gazebo, and the groups made noses at each other.
"Finally, the church with ballons: Here's where Taladas drops the ball. He tries to make the picture into the very thing that changes the priest's outlook, but it comes out of the blue, both that change and the importance of the church fest. Oh, hey, there's a mother, I guess I better stay. But I admire the idea, which only enabled him to drop the ball that much. On the other hand, this is Wild Gazebo's first sign. I smiled at the time warp effect of baloons escaping to the sky, but we never find out what the sign is for, and since I don't really think the narrator saw and interpreted the sign correctly, I'm not sure that counts for much."
The three gnupfs in the middle looked at me. They did not move.
"In the end, I'd say Taladas had the better idea, but the worse implementation. It's hard to decide upon this, because without any ideas, you can't write anything, and often contestants get better in round two. But on the other hand, I can't judge what could have been, only what is. And in that case, I think Wild Gazebo did a slightly better job."
I held the vellum pages aloft. "Uhm, what do I do now?"
"Put it on my blade," said Lady Death. It was then I realized she didn't really speak, as in out loud. Her words simply formed in my head.
I did as I was told. The pages slid down the curved blade, and as they did, the vellum blackened, until it was reduced to ashes.
"Fatality!" the gnupfs cried happily. Then they rushed off to hand me the second pair of texts.
"Uh... Hellefire vs. NiTessine," I read. Flipping the pages, I could feel the gnupfs stare at me, fidgeting impatiently.
"Hellefire really had a wonderful story here, complete with rising tension and climax. Of course, it's a slightly twisty climax, almost a Ceramic DM prerequisite. I did found out who the King was before I was told, but it was still late in the story. Very nice. And alien, it was a very alien story. It's difficult to write a familiar experience in unfamiliar terms without sounding trite or confusing.
"NiTessine had a wholly different story, and he managed the difficult task of incorporating real-world pictures into a fantasy environment. I didn't really want Alambur to be saved, in the end. What they did to the beholder was just mean! Also a very nice story, even though I enjoyed the alien-ness of Hellefire's a smidgen more. The reason being that "The Cure" didn't really have any conflict. It was just a summary of how Alambut got cured. He goes that way, and tortures a beholder, and then he goes the other way and calls in a favor. That's not very dramatic."
This time, 4 gnupfs went over to Hellefire right away, and 3 went to NiTessine. It seemed the gnupfs had enjoyed reading as much as I had.
"The pictures, then. The sphinctery thing: Don't tell me what it really is. I don't want to know. Hellefire makes this the subject of an iris operation, a particularly painful one. I don't know why the protagonist loses his second half during the operation, other than maybe Hellefire lost interest in using the second voice. NiTessine shows us a beholder being tortured in a really, really bad way. So much so that I didn't know whether Alamber was supposed to be cured in the end, because I hate that guy now. It may have even harmed the narrative, but any picture that provokes an emotional reponse like this one did gets my vote.
"Merry-go-round: Hellefire's use was very nice, making a merry-go-round (or is it a fountain? I have no idea) into an alien spaceship crashed head-first into the ground. NiTessine ignored the background and changed scale (I hope, unless it's a really big apple) to show us Alamber's cure. For both stories, this picture is the quest item and goal of the plot. I just don't like changing a picture too much, and while I enjoyed the apple as real, leaving the city out of the desciption just makes this seem a little weaker than Hellefire's."
The sitting man: Or, picture 1, as both of you called it. I don't know which use is weaker. NiTessine shows us the protagonist waking up. He's ill. That's it. Hellefire uses the picture similarly, but here at least I learn for sure that Esid is disguised as human. So by that count, this is Hellefire's pic."
That made 6 gnupfs to 3 for Hellefire. The gnupfs rejoiced. "Fatality!"
I was hardly finished pinning the vellum on Lady Death when the gnupfs held the next two stories up.
"I need a break", I said. The gnupfs continued holding the pages up.
"A beer? At least some coffee?"
Lady Death shook her head. Yeah, I know that sounds impossible, but she didn't say anything, and still I knew my requests had been denied.
"Fine." I grabbed the stories, quick enough to catch one gnupf unawares and send him over the altar's edge. The gnupf plummeted down and landed with a satisfying splat, but it seemed unhurt. It stood up, rubbed its backside and fixed me with a malevolent stare. I ignored it.
"So what do we have here? Halivar vs. Aris Dragonborn." I flipped through the pages. "Alright. I was enthralled by Halivar's story. Was it pre-written? Because coing up with that in three days is quite a feat. There were numerous shout-outs to equally as numerous sci-fi programming. This story contained the best elements of a farce, constantly raising the absurdity a notch, until even eating Weena meat doesn't seem that gross (talking about Republicans, of course
). And the end was just right, inevitable and still surprising. Wonderful story, more of that and Halivar might just win this thing altogether."4 gnupfs quickly made their way over to Halivar's side, but the one that had fallen went to Aris Dragonborn's side, sticking its tongue out at me.
"Aris Dragonborn's story had a few places where I felt we got redundant information, but here it's not only coming up with the story, but writing it. It's almost a novella, and true to D&D, too – except the Christian part, since D&D = devil. (Or our scythes would be much more friendly) I enjoyed this one, too, but since its dialogue and sequence of events wasn't as polished as Halivar's was, I'd consider it slightly weaker."
3 gnupfs went over to Aris, with the Fallen Gnupf still standing there, evening the score, whistling innocently.
"To the pictures." I reviews the stories. And then I noticed it. "Aris used the wrong pictures? Why do you make me read these two, then? I don't have time for this."
The gnupfs laughed heartily at my annoyance, and the camera gnupf zoomed right into my nose. I could count my nostrils as they flared in anger.
"Alright, since I already read this, let's make it quick. The drill press, the yellow freeform dance of death, these pics were used very well in Halivar's story, driving the narrative. The shed, not so much, since it's the patio of Billy's home, and not the time traveling shed (from what I gathered). Still, 2 of 3 very good."
"Aris, I missed a really great use of pics. The weeping one was nice, but up until then I thought one of the weeping kids at the beginning had been that pic. Other than that, good choice. The church and the gazebo weren't that important (especially the church), since afterwards there was this whole dungeon adventure following. Maybe if he had the gazebo open up into the dungeon, or placed it at the church or something, it would have been better. And really, Why did nobody have the gazebo attack someone?. Come on! If I were to judge, I'd give a totally deliberate 2-1 to Halivar."
The fell gnupf rushed across the altar, punched its remaining fellow and then, while it was reeling from the punch, dragged it into Aris's corner. It cackled madly.
"I don't care," I said. "Aris didn't even use the right pics!" I took Aris's story and pinned it on Lady Death, who quickly consumed it.
The gnupfs booed.
Still, they brought me the final paring – for now.
"Paka vs. Deuce Traveler," I read. "Well, I must say Paka's story hit me somewhat out of the blue. It was somewhat irreverend, but also quite serious. If there's anything I would have liked it to be fleshed out more, better explained. Especially the second part – while I like the idea of adults behaving irresponsible, I didn't really understand what Bub's tempting offer had to do with the rest of the story. Also, it's here I felt the dialogue could have used the most polish, it lacked grip. This story is also not too dramatic, with everything pretty much going as planned (despite the arch-angel stranding in hell). The final scene was a very nice idea, if a bit heavy-hitting. Still, it came full circle.
"Deuce Traveler's story was very entertaining. It was a serious story set in a somewhat whimsical universe. I really enjoyed the barbaric outbursts threatening to overcome the hero, and him having to take pills to quell them. There was also the magnificient "I felt like being railroaded". Still, for a barbarian, Robert was quite good at bluffing and, uh, thinking. And then you take his medecine away, and I want to see him punch someone. But I don't get to see that. Plus, the final sentence is a letdown, because it looks as if you didn't trust us to connect the dots ourselves, telling us explicitly about "barbaric desire"."
The gnupfs stared at me, expectantly.
"Yes, I'm done," I said. "Make up your own mind."
Shrugging, 3 gnupfs each went to Paka and Deuce Traveler. That left one for each pic.
"Man on Windwheel: I guess it should be "man on pump". Anyway, Deuce Traveler has the man set the story in motion, because he finds the heartstone and sells it to Robert's surprisingly well-off sister who wants to find a cure for a man she doesn't even visit anymore. Or something. Paka gives us a "wingless cherub in working gear", which on the idea alone gives him a good start. The cherub guards the pipe of responsibility, which is what the story is about – just like the heartstone. But cherub beats friendly worker.
"The tossed cthulhu puppet: Here, Paka gives us an out-of-the-blue use. Sure it's a cool tie-in to the responsibility theme, and this alone makes the picture a moderately good one, but why do these suits decide to play blanket-toss? Because it's in a picture, that's why. Deuce Traveler makes the picture important by introducing PETPC, a probable development for his fantasy world, and two people tossing a lovable little homunculus that steals Robert's pills. Good idea, but the loss of pills has no effect whatsoever on the story. Robert doesn't lose his temper. Mayhaps you ran out of time, but I really expected something to come off it."
"The slide of evil: Again, Deuce Traveler doesn't really grab me with his use. So he and his sister meet on a playground, and the slide's cool metal calms Robert a little. Alright. But the slide's not important, and Robert can't stay angry at his family, anyway. Paka ties the slide neatly into the story, having responsible kids forego sliding for a day. By its existence, this use also bolsters the second picture, since this is somewhat of a mirror image to the playing adults. All in all, very nice picture use, Paka."
The three gnupfs all made their way over to the same side.
"Yeah. Two very nice stories, one consistently better picture use."
I flung Deuce Traveler's story onto the blade, and it slid down with a curiously wet sound. The gnupfs were out of their minds.
"Fatality!"
"Sure," I said. "But can I please have a beer?"
