Ceramic DM -- Fall '06 ** yangnome wins! **

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

maxfieldjadenfox's comments on Aris Dragonborn and Linderel's entries

The Sacrifice
Aris Dragonborne

Wowee. I really liked this one! Good, page turning story and neat picture use. The balloon pic at the beginning wasn't the strongest use I've ever seen, but it worked. The gazebo and the bleeding eyes pic were recurring thematic elements and the way you used them pleased me. I'm sorry they weren't your pictures to write to. Looking forward to seeing your work again in the future though.


Linderel Vs Mazlo

Untitled
Linderel

Girl mad scientist. Neat idea, some nice language use.

Picture use:
The picture use was OK here. The weird lizard picture started the story off and I like that it shows up again at the end. You used the mushrooms and the house on the hill reasonably well too, but abandoned the images too quickly.

The main problem I had with this story is it's lack of emotion. You set yourself up by stating that "nothing could faze Robin Farrell" in the first paragraph. By the end, she is obviously fazed, but there is lots of telling and no showing. You used some funny descriptive bits, like her thinking she might have walked under a car, but I never saw Robin's temper, or Annie's perfection. When you started referring to "the girl" it muddied the waters even more. The characters seemed interchangable, and I was confused that someone with Annie's power would appear to be timid. I also got confused about which girl was who during the mushroom conversation. The point of view did a kind of precarious shift. Keep it in mind for the next round.

Round goes to Linderel by default.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Judgment for Round 1b, Match 7 - yangnome vs Kassiopeia

maxfieldjadenfox
Kassiopeia Vs Yangnome

Aftershock

This is an interesting concept, post apocalypse of some kind, or merely the slow descent into madness that we've already started? I enjoyed the tone, and the execution was good, but there's just not much "there" there, if you know what I mean.

Picture use:
I think the picture use is weak here. The alien guy pic was kind of a toss off, didn't really end up showing up anywhere after the first bit. Unfortunately, I felt the same way about the parade and jackhammer pictures. The jackhammer use was clever in the context of the story, but the girl's gesture is so clear that writing that she was wiping her brow instead of making a loser sign robs it of it's importance. The parade happens and is a chance to explain that the children are leaving, but not much else. Truly effective picture use winds through the story in some meaningful way.

All in all, a good effort, with some lovely funny, ironic bits, but a little sparse and too quickly wrapped up for my taste.

Yangnome

A dramatic entry. I thought the format was a good way to tell a CDM story, and the voice was strong. I wish the ending had been just a bit less random. Had he killed the girl who tormented him, it would have felt more symmetrical to me, but that being said, it would have also been more formulaic, so points for originality.

Picture use: The alien picture was well used. It set up the whole story and was an integral part of it. The other two didn't work as well, although the homecoming float was the inciting incident (used at the end of the story. interesting). The loser girl seemed kind of shoe horned into the story, but it was a good attempt.

This was well written and the bitter edge of the character is apparent, especially in the Elephant Man line. I would have preferred the word bitch to whore, since whore didn't really fit the girl's actions, but that's just me.

Both outsider stories, but I think this time the stronger one is Yangnome's.

Rodrigo Istalindir

Yangnome –

A grim story, full of foreshadowing and foreboding. Some stories try to hide their ending for shock value; some reveal it early to the same effect. The main characters monologue is dark and depressing and very well executed, hindered only by some typos and a couple awkward tense shifts and transitions. Still, very well done. This story strikes a chord, I suspect, in pretty much everyone. I’ve learned in the years since high-school that some of the people I thought had it all together and everything going for them had the same issues and problems as the rest of us; even the popular kids can feel alienated and disaffected.

Picture use is good all around. The ‘L for Loser’ was a creative use, and integral to the story. The ‘Prom parade’ was an effective and inevitable conclusion. Saving the ‘alien’ photo for the end is a wise choice, much better than tipping your hand early.

Kassiopeia –

Wow, what a tantalizing story. I love it when I get dumped into a strange environment and have to puzzle things out from hints and indirect references. The beginning is especially strong, veering from normal to weird. Very well executed. There is so much here that I want to know more about.

The payoff doesn’t live up to the set-up, though. You do a wonderful job of laying the groundwork for something, well, shocking, and unfortunately things seem to taper off without enough resolution or explanation to satisfy. There is the core of something really cool here, something that I’d like to see revisited in a more substantial work.

Picture use is mixed. The ‘alien’ photo is kind of a throw-away; I’m not sure if it was purely the protagonist’s imagination or a real effect of his affliction. The ‘Farewell’ parade is intriguing; more details in the story would have been welcome, but there is a synergy there that gives it a nice creepy air. The ‘woman with the jackhammer’ seems a bit weak; the picture is clearly important to the ending, but the setup isn’t there.

Kassiopeia has the threads of a really neat story, but they dangle just out of reach. Yangnome’s story is a tad conventional and predictable, but is well executed, and with stronger picture use. Judgement for yangnome.

Yangnome advances 2-0.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Waiting to hear back from Berandor on tadk vs Roger.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

I would have preferred the word bitch to whore, since whore didn't really fit the girl's actions..

Like the old joke -- What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody; a bitch sleeps with everybody but me.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Judgment for Round 1, Match 5, tadk vs Roger

Berandor

So I've been asked to do a formal decision for *tadk* vs *Roger*. I've
already given a few comments, now let's compare both stories.

I think in picture use, both entries are similar. Roger's movie set is
easily beaten by tadk's carnage place, whereas tadk's wheelchair saw me
confused and is overrolled by Roger's astral adventure. The third pic
was equally well-used, so I must say the off-color death described by
tadk was a smidgen more to my tastes.

But ultimately, it's the story which must decide. First off, tadk
switches between present and past tense. Roger's writing is cleaner.
I'm impressed by the work tadk invested here, including lyrics into the
story, making it once more a somewhat poetically-inclined entry.

In the end, "Forever lasts too long for those in love" is more like a
song itself, in that it describes a love story (and a tragic one, at
that), but doesn't hold much conflict in it. There are stanzas, between
which time advances, and which themselves then show the new status quo.
It's once more very atmospheric, but other than the atmosphere of
tragic love there's not so much happening here. Vik's death stands out
because it doesn't really seem to fit this real-world affair, but then
again I liked it probably just because of that.

"Be not afraid", on the other hand, feels more complete, in that we
start with a situation that is wrong, and a protagonist who strives and
succeeds to return to the rightful status quo, leaving some of his
bitterness behind in the process. There's a progression here, an order
of events that lead to a final confrontation. However, conflict isn't
too strong here, either. Jack meets Kokabiel, and goes instantly with
him. He is pulled by Alex into the Astral, but there he quickly plunges
the knife into his former friend come foe. And as I said, Kokabiel's
remorse wasn't too well explained, and I sort of was expecting Jack to
doom himself to a life of hate, maybe in prison, due to the demon's
machinations. And some dialogue is klunky, most of all the "babe" at
the end.

As always, I find it hard to evaluate tadk's entry because of the
poetic qualities he often brings to his work. I really think a Poetry
DM would play to his strengths. In this competition, though, I'll give
my vote to the more complete *story*. and thus to Roger.

maxfieldjadenfox
TadK Vs Roger

Be Not Afraid
Roger

I like the planar travel, and the main character is intriguing.

Picture use:
The wheelchair picture is the set up for the story and works well. I also like the mudman as damaged goods on the astral plane. The "establishing shot" with the ambulance isn't necessary, but it's servicable.

The astral plane is a great way to allow us to see what the characters "really" look like. Interesting twist to have Jack be damaged more in his mind than he is in reality, and the bad guy stealing his courage on the astral plane is pretty cool too. All in all most enjoyable..

Forever Lasts Too Long For Those In Love
TadK

Tad, your style always intrigues me. It reminds me a lot of Ishmael Reed. It creates a mood more than tells a story, although there is a story here.

Picture use:
The pictures occur in a clump at the back of the story. They aren't really integral and I think the story would have been better if you hadn't had to use them. The wheelchair pic is used effectively, and imaginatively. The mudman and the ambulance seem to come out of nowhere, and don't seem terribly important to the story.

The dreamy mood of this piece is best carried by the song's poetry. I like the conversational bits between Cat and Vic too, but as I told RPJunkie, I HATE it when a story randomly changes tenses. Are they or were they? I really want to be clear about time unless there's a compelling reason for it to shift. The rhythm and the characters are strong, but the story isn't quite strong enough to hold them.


I love the feel of TadK's piece, but strictly speaking, I feel that Roger's is the stronger CDM entry. Decision Roger.

Roger advances, 2-0.

 

[Berandor]

Waiting to hear back from Berandor on tadk vs Roger.

*heard back*

 

[Deuce Traveler]

Some of us had mercifully managed to suppress memories of that cartoon. Thanks for bringing them back

It's a cruel, cruel world. At least it was better than the movie.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Round 2 masochists, I mean, Round 2 contestants -- Do you want to start Thursday or Friday?

 

[Roger]

Thanks to the judges for their comments, and thanks to my most worthy and honourable opponent.

My vote for the start of Round 2 is Thursday, but I'm not especially angsty about it. Friday would be fine too.



Cheers,
Roger

 

[NiTessine]

Personally, I'd prefer Friday. Gives me more free time to work on the story.