Ive only ever danced once, while I was runk, with a girl that became my best friend and I eventually (foolishly) fell in love with. Being a 29 year old virgin makes you very unstable. Not the virginity, exactly, the feeling unlovable. i havent been seeking "true love" or anything like that. I dont drool over girls. I treat them the same way I do guys: Im shy, I try to make jokes (sometimes funny, sometimes not) and Im just way too nice. Girls and guys both. ANd it seems to really turn people off. Ive tried being noot so nice, but it makes me uncomfortable and I cant keep it up for very long. I mean nice as in almost subserviant. But its the way I am.
As I said, Im not looking for tru love, or "the one." Im looking for some girl that just doesnt think Im a freak and would like to be my girlfriend, and evey time I think I might have found someone, I get really hurt, and dont even get as far as a kiss. Im noit looking for someone to "complete" myself or anything liek that, but just imagine for a second, what you would feel like if you were 29 years old, and you had never had ANYONE want to be with you.
I just want that part of life for myself.
Its not lack of trying (although I'm not walking around with a figurative "looking for mate" sign) I just dont have ANY idea whatsoever of what to do, and I havent found anyone who I would want to try with (apart from someone who I really cant) It hasnt been lack of social settings, and only just gaming and stuff. Hell, I havent gamed in 6 months, evryone I played with stopped talking to me. I know that has a lot to do with my depression. Ive been going out and getting drunk a lot. But I cant go oput by myself... Ive tried, and I end up sitting at the bar drinking with my head down. Im just not good with people. I try, god do I try, but I havent been able to do it.
And as for professional help, well... Ive been seeing psychologists and psychiatrists all my life, and professional help isnt much help. Ive been in counselling so much that I went into psychology in college just because I already knew so much about it that it came naturally. Shrinks cant change your personality. And my problem is that my personality is fundamentally repulsive to women. Im the "friend" guy that women can talk too, but wouldnt dream of being romantically involved with. Its just something Im trying to accept.
I'll add that I have Tourette syndrome, and some minor arm tics (minor to anyone else, but major to me) When I was younger I had severe facial tics and woukd make faces all the time, and the reactions I got from people have kind of scarred me. I dont even remember the tics, but I remember what people thought of me.) I also have ADHD, and while it doesnt affect my social life very much, it combined with a very bad back mean I cant get a job. Im trying to save up to go back to college, but I dont know when Im going to be able to di it. I get 600 dollars a month from social secutrity to live on, and there isnt much left to save. (especially now with the drinking and smoking. not that im an alcoholic or anyway near it or anything, but you know.) Back when I was in college I had to have back surgery twice in 2 years, and it screwed up my grades (that along with such fear of asking for help from teachers and sometimes terror of even going to class. Im not trying to blame anyone but myself for whats happened to my life.)
Im not looking for advice, Im not looking for anything, really. I just got drunk and wanted to scream. Im sorry I made an ass of myself.
(And I just noticed that I passed 2000 posts. Wow, only here since the beginning and just now 2000? And here I thought I talked too much.)