Dr. Seuss Competition - WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

[Estlor]

Inspired by the wacky In-Character folk that play the iconics:

One elf, two elf,
Half-elf, true elf

Tordek and Redgar, trading thoughts about swords.
Devis amusing himself with plays on words.
Mialee, Vadania, and Soveliss to boot!
All gathered with Lidda and had such a hoot.

Soon barbaric Krusk joined the fray,
All a rage (you know, it's his way).
Hennet was there, all buckled and clasped,
Alhandra was a vision, the onlookers gasped.

Jozan of Pelor and even monk Ember,
Gathered together on this cold December,
As often they did in the taverns you see.
But look for yourself, don't take it from me.

A victory celebration together they all held,
Shuluth was defeated, they broke his mind meld.
And Tordek the fighter screamed, "More!"
"I'll spend my coins on ale and a whore!"

"Bah," Redgar chimed in, shaking his head.
"Without my true skills this dwarf would be dead."
"Such a boast," shot back Alhandra, shaking her mane.
"You're hardly even iconic, all you do is complain.

"I smite and I smote until all undead were a-smitten,
And all you did was weep like a small kitten.
Honor some justice and try upholding law,
And, for heaven sakes, leave some food! Stop stuffing your maw!"

At this point fair Devis uttered a laugh.
It didn't take levels of loremaster to do this math.
Twice their take he had earned with music this night.
It paid to spend skill points in Perform, not to fight.

"What you laugh at?" Krusk asked, stretching his mind.
You see, brains were not something known for his kind.
"Good Krusk, pay heed, if you can manage that task.
I speak only the truth, not a fact do I mask.

Though your rage came in handy when fighting those gnolls,
My music worked better in distracting the trolls.
So, in a way, you surely could say,
That without Devis the bard, you'd not live to this day."

At this point, stern Ember, let go a loud scoff.
The iconics fell silent, one heard not even a cough.
"It seems to me," she began, one deep thought revealing,
"that no one's role we're concealing.

"Tordek with his axe fought to the last man,
While the quick thinking of Soveliss came up with a plan.
Mialee's magic was a show of thaumaturge,
While Hennet's spontaneous casting was more about urge.

"Jozan of Pelor healed us all in a pinch,
Alhandra proved she's one butt-kicking wench.
Lidda was sneaky and fought from behind,
While Redgar cut down foes of all kind.

"Krusk lived the fury, raining down blows,
Vadania kept away all the natural woes.
Devis' song filled us all with much mirth,
Even diminutive Nebin proved to all his worth.

"There's someone I've missed, I know in my heart,
But forgive me, all, I can't find that part.
Whichever iconic I've omitted today,
I hope, inside, you don't take it the wrong way."

Ember was right, there was one she left out.
Though he didn't know, so he could never pout.
The adventure he missed, off on the commode.
'Cause there aren't many words that rhyme Ialdabode.

 

[sawyer0413]

My Entry

T’was the night before GenCon, and all through the house.
Oh God not this poem, it’s really a louse.
I can’t win this contest, with rhyme that’s so lame.
Cause surely the others, have used verse the same.
So I’ll change this poem, its rhyme and its beat,
Or else my submission, will just garner heat.

So it’s not about dice, nor dragons, nor booty.
It’s not about roleplaying those who are snooty.
It’s not about killing, or maiming, or dieing.
Or having a Rogue who is so good at lying.
It’s not about searching, or roving, or spying.
It’s not about crafting, professions, rope tieing.

It is about something that’s our favorite thing.
About which we talk with such marvelous zing.
We endlessly talk, and debate, and we squabble.
About every thing, every knick-knack, and bauble.
We talk about rules as if they existed.
Even the small ones are used and are twisted.

We endlessly chat about this thing or that.
We wonder what magic is stored in a hat.
We swashbuckle, hornswaggle, giggle and trade.
We have great adventures, it is no charade.
We rescue the helpless, the weak and the poor.
And take down the evil, the vile, and more.

What is it? Why is it? How does it fly?
That can’t be a dragon, my levels not high.
Oh God! Oh Dear God! Oh Please God! We pray.
If one more twenty could just come my way.
We slay it. It slays us. We both die. No matter.
Cause we are the mighty, with great words to flatter.

We crawl, and we slither, and dwelve even deeper.
We hope that we meet just the pet, not its keeper.
We find the great treasures, no matter their site.
And just hope to gain it, with our skins on tight.
For all our ambitions, our trials and power.
Are just the fascade, not the plant but the flower.

The bards sing our praises and common folk too.
For we are the great ones, societal glue.
We are the heroes, about which the stories
Tell of our riches and battles and glories.
We garner it all, and then even more.
For when we are done they’ll label it lore.

For all of this effort, the prep and the work.
And sometimes feeling like I’m just a jerk.
The good times, the bad times, the times in-between.
The times when the play is just truly sureen.
The times when the story is growing by bounds,
Or the opposite times when its gone to the hounds.

For all of those times, in the story we tell.
The common events that make our pride swell.
We all know that extra that just brings us back.
That small little thing that allows us to hack.
It’s using emotions, our heart, and our brain.
Imagination just keeps us all sane.

 

[Priest]

My try

Every Nerd in Nerdkinland liked posting a lot
Topics about D20 Modern, and Slaine, which were hot.
But the Grinch of off topic stewed in his cave
Saying “here them talk of the cliche games they have played”

Now the Grinch hated nerds, and liked to troll them to death
With off topic posts, such as the smell of a red dragons breath
He previewed all the postings of those nerdy munchkins
All the while conniving, and curtailing a grin

while thinking out loud “ Look at those nerds post' in cliche”
Soon I will have them saying “Touche”
From dragon I’ll take the parrying feat
And with it Ill make god-like PC’s for them to greet

So the Grinch gathered his D20‘s, and core books into his bag
And wiped the hand smudges on his monitor off with a rag
Looking long and hard at his keyboard, he left for the flight
And showed up at the Ennies to be a sure blight

Gencon was full of Grinch’s like him
Plotting and planning revenge against all the nerdy DM’s
So all the Grinchs gathered in a pub 'cross the grass
From the Nerds and all the Nerdkinland moderating brass

All these Grinchs spit, and they spat
About how to polymorph that damned squirrel into a rat
It would be their finest of troll’s
To post the ransom for the mascot they’d stole

Together they'd morphed, they'd inked, and they'd pen
The most heinous of mascots, that rat-like skaven
And lo, and behold the very next day
All the nerds from Nerdkinland were filled with dismay

To find that there treasured squirrel or whatever it is
Was stolen, for ransom, by four grinning Grinchs
And though that first Grinch was caught in the act
In prison he new he had taught those nerds some of his tact

Now all the Nerds in Nerdkinland don’t talk in cliche
But have expanded there horizons into the Risque
Now the nerds all salivate over AGtCK, and the BoVD
Instead of Judge Dredd, and Farscape D20

 

[Richards]

AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT AT MY GAMING STORE

When I head over to our game,
My DM (quite a bore)
Asks me if I have yet been in
EN World's online store.

But when I tell him I prefer
My local gaming shop,
He asks me why I settle for
Their tattered, picked-through slop.

"I'm telling you, give it a try.
EN World's the place to buy."

Now, what can I say
When I go there today?

Last time I was in my
Local gaming store,
There was nothing there
That wasn't there before.
A couple of Core Rulebooks,
A module or two,
A few scant six-siders,
Not much else to view.

That's nothing to tell of,
That won't do, no way...
I'll just have to come up
With something to say.

I can't tell the truth. I'll have to embellish.
I'll add a selection to make him all jealous!
And I'll tell a story that he can't ignore,
When I say that I saw it at my gaming store.

I'll start with the basics,
With the Player's Handbook.
I'll take that simple tome
And make it a grand book.
The story could really be easier told
If I said that their Handbooks were all trimmed in gold.
A special collector's edition, why yes!
And only on sale at my FLGS!

But that can't be all...
My story's too small.

I'll add many titles
Like never before
And say that I saw them
At my gaming store.

Where to begin?
I'll just plunge in.

I'll tell him sitting on the shelves
Are many handbooks about elves.
Moon Elves! Dark Elves! Any flavor!
Quintessential! Of High Favor!
And not just elves: there's many tomes
Of dwarves, and halflings--even gnomes!

I'll tell my DM to just name me a race
And there's sourcebooks about them all over the place!
And why should I stop with the same standard six?
I'll tell him my game store's got tons of new tricks.
Roleplay a mimic? Or maybe a wererat?
My game store sells sourcebooks that deal with all that!
Say! That makes a story that really will floor
My DM, when he hears about my gaming store.

But now I don't know...
It's still not enough.
I guess I'll just tack on some other new stuff.
(And hope that I put enough ranks into Bluff!)

Now, what else can I add?
My selection's still sad.

I'll tack on some modules! Why, that's just the thing!
When it comes to modules, my game store's the king!
Necropolis! In the Belly of the Beast!
Rappan Athuk, 12 sublevels at least!

There's so much there to look through, but look and you will find
If Thoughts Could Kill, the Freeport set, and even Of Sound Mind.
There's City of the Spider Queen, The Banewarrens and more
Just sitting on the shelves there at my local gaming store.

And if that's not enough...
Why, I'll just add some other stuff!
Dungeon mags and Dragon Annuals,
And a whole slew of monster manuals!
Monsternomicon, yes that one's in,
And monster books from Green Ronin.
Jade Dragons and Hungry Ghosts,
Abyssal armies and devil hosts!

There's Mongoose stuff there
On shelves on both sides
The Seas of Blood line
And umpteen Slayer's Guides.

There's Malhavoc stuff
As plain as can be
Eldritch Might books
Numbered I, II, and III.

I'll tell my DM there are rulebooks galore
And I'll tell him I saw them at my gaming store!

Some gaming accessories might do the trick,
Like T-Shirts that read "Holy Crap on a Stick!"

And that makes a story that's really not bad!
But it still could be better. Suppose that I add...

...d20 logos embossed on pink tights...
A dice set that's been forged from meteorites...
Some Vile Darkness that's better left unsaid...
And look, there's my DM's house, just up ahead.

I walked up his driveway
And rang the doorbell.
I stood waiting there
And I felt simply SWELL!

FOR I HAD A STORY NO ONE COULD IGNORE!
AND TO THINK THAT I SAW IT AT MY GAMING STORE!

The front door was answered,
I was ushered inside.
The whole group was there
And my resolve just died.

I had such a great tale, BUT I COULDN'T BEGIN!
And my DM just looked at me, grinning a grin.
"So tell me," he said, "Have you given a thought
About dumping that game store where nothing gets bought,
And checking EN World, as I've often taught?"

"I have," I replied, and it sank in just then.
"Do you think you could give me that link once again?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And, just to follow my own advice, the link to EN World's online RPG store is: http://www.enworld.rpgshop.com/

Johnathan

 

[silvertable81]

The Grinch Levels Again.

A thousand ex-pee
Thought the Grinch to himself
Time to multi-class
I was just a Rogue last

Maybe a Bard,
It shouldn’t be hard
T’would be such a loss
Buying skills class-cross

I can take twenty Disguise,
To be Santa in their eyes
Christmas will be mine
Only mine, I’ll win it this time

Now to sleigh down the hill
On the way to Whoville
Oh yes, this year, this year
Those Whos will know fear

Good rolls on both move and hide
Then, Grinch’s eyes grew wide
Mr. Grinch, is that you?
It was Cindy Lou Who

That Cindy Lou Who
Has leveled up too
She’s put ranks into Spot
A skill Grinch has not

Take you pants where you got ‘em
I can still see your green bottom
Go back up to your hill
Christmas is staying in Whoville

Three thousand ex-pee
Thought the Grinch out aloud
All for good role play
But which class to take?

Maybe level as Fighter
Skills will be lighter
Yet, something I lack
Is good base attack

Now choose two new feats
One as fighter, one for just me
Power Attack, and if the DM approves
Plus two to both Hide and Silent Moves

Once again, down the hill
I go back to Whoville
Oh yes, this year, this year
Those Whos will shed tears

Grinch say it ain’t you
Yelled Cindy Lou Who
Didn’t I send you away,
Last year, Christmas Day

An extra dee six how can that be
Cindy Lou Who has sneak attacked me
Same level as I
Yet only one class, my, oh my, oh my

Now leave my home
Back to your cave all alone
Next year, my dear thought the Grinch
You’re mine, you little … Who

Six thousand ex-pee
I’ve leveled again
A good thing my DM
Is also my friend

The Clerics are clods
Don’t care for their gods
Neither Paladin, nor Monk
So much Chaos, I’m sunk

My sitch is so tragic
No time to learn magic
And the Ranger is broken
Message boards have spoken

Well, on down the hill
Long ride to Whoville
Hope against hope, this year
The Whos do not hear

What could be that noise
Asked Cindy Lou’s voice
I’m just a deer, my sweet dear
Can you not see, can you not hear?

But a Grinch I can tell
By my keen sense of smell
Grinch, how do you do it?
With levels in Rogue
_____________Fighter
_______________Bard
_________________DRUID

Now I have a question
To enhance my new lesson
Just what makes you so special?
Silly Grinch, all Whos are Celestial

 

[Dragonhelm]

War of Souls - Green Eggs and Ham Style!

Here's the Dragonlance version that I wrote with a couple of friends of mine. Please note, this is just a parody.
------------------------------------------------------

Frump: That Sam-I-Know, That Sam-I-Know
I do not like that Sam-I-Know

Sam-I-Know: Do you like the War of Souls?

Frump: I do not like the War of Souls
I do not like it, Sam-I-Know

Sam-I-Know: Do you like it with new magic?
Would you like it if the heroes were tragic?

Frump: Please don't write it with new magic.
It isn't right, and that's what's tragic.

Sam-I-Know: Would you read it with a dragon?
Here, let me pour you a flagon.

Frump: I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are whacked, and the story is what's tragic.

Sam-I-Know: Would you read it with a gnome?
Would you read it at his home?

Frump: I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are whacked, and the story is tragic.

Sam-I-Know: Do you think they killed the Fifth Age?
Would they, could they on every page?

Frump: Yes, I think they killed Fifth Age
You can _tell_ on every page!
I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are nuts, and the story is tragic.

Sam-I-Know: You may like it. You will see.
It's not just one big tragedy.

Frump: I will not like it. I won't, I say!
They'll take my afflicted kender away.
They killed the Fifth Age! This is true.
Sam have you been sniffing glue?
I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write new magic.
You guys are crazy, and the story is tragic.

Sam-I-Know: Lots of people like it, they do.
It's on the NY Bestsellers list too.

Frump: The Bestsellers list? Well that means zip!
Those sheep they call fans aren't hip.
I will not like it. I won't, I say!
They'll take my afflicted kender away.
They killed the Fifth Age! This is true.
Sam have you been sniffing glue?
I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are lame, and the story is tragic.

Sam-I-Know: Would read it with a kender?
Could you read it on a bender?

Frump: I will not will not with a kender.
I might consider it on a bender.
The Bestsellers list? Well that means zip!
Those sheep they call fans aren't hip.
I will not like it. I won't, I say!
They'll take my afflicted kender away.
They killed the Fifth Age! This is true.
Sam have you been sniffing glue?
I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are to blame, and the story is tragic.

Sam-I-Know: What if they killed Takhisis?
That old Paladine's nemesis?

Frump: I will not like it if they killed Takhisis.
That old fart Paladine's nemesis,
I will not will not with a kender.
I might consider it on a bender.
The Bestsellers list? Well that means zip!
Those sheep they call fans aren't hip.
I will not like it. I won't, I say!
They'll take my afflicted kender away.
They killed the Fifth Age! This is true.
Sam have you been sniffing glue?
I would not read it with a gnome.
I do not care to see his home.
I would not read it with a dragon.
I do not care to drink a flagon.
You have no clue how to write the new magic.
You guys are to blame, and the story is tragic.



Sam-I-Know: You don't like it, so you say.
Try to read it, and you may.
Read it and you may, I say.

*Frump Reads War of Souls*

Frump: Say!
I LIKE the War of Souls, I do!
I like it Sam-I-Know it's true!
And I dig all four types of magic.
I dig the heroes both courageous and tragic.
They did not kill my Fifth Age today
I think that I'm a fan who'll stay!
I would read it here or there.
I would read it ANYWHERE!

I do so like the War of Souls.
Thank you, thank you Sam-I-Know.

 

[silvertable81]

another entry

The Wibblewam and the +2 Whatsiedoo

Once there was
A Wibblewam
Found some loot
And treasure

In his pile he found
Something nice
He didn’t know
What it was

A stick with
A spike and a string
Wrapped ‘round
What on earth has he found?

It looked like
A thingy-hickey
Only more solid
And no screams

Worth more than gold
But not a bippity-boo
He shook it and it said
“Try me, I’m +2”

+2, +2 woo-hoo-hoo
But wait, please wait
And whisper again
What do you do?

Do I use you as
A weapon, a staff,
A rod, or a wand
I need to know

You ask what to do
With me, a Whatsiedoo
That has also a +2
I’ll tell you a thing or two

I do dee twelve
In damage
And if it’s an Orc
Demon Dragon an extra +3

And also I’ll shield
All in 10 feet
And I’m blessed with a mess
Of other cool treats

I do lots of things
And I’m really smart too
I give a bonus +5
To climb, jump, and hide

I can slay lower levels
With one swell swipe
Or use me to cook
All will taste right

If you know the
Right words
To get yourself in tune
You’ll see a most mighty rune

What else can a
Whatsiedoo do
Oh, how I now wish
I could only have two

And in a pinch
I can become a bench
A boat, a rope, a ladder
Even a poisonous black adder

If cast into darkness
Still you will see
So long as you never
Go without me

You can breathe underwater
And swim in thin air
Survive in hot lava
And never wash your hair

The Wibblewam thought
This thing is nice
With my new Whatsiedoo
I’ll never be iced

I hold 93 PPs
And twelve levels of spells
And in fact I am
Immune to dispel

Why, with all that I do
I should be a major artifact
Morderdorken’s
__Amazing
____Stupendous
______Preponderous
_________Pusillanimous
___________Technicolor
_____________Really Cool
Whatsiedoo with a +2

I’ve one wish left
So make that one last
Just then the Wibblewam
Heard a noise

He turned to view
A view so fierce
It could only be called
Hyenadon Maximus Rex

The brave Wibblewam
Held his +2 Whatsiedoo
Go ahead save me
Do your thing

Where once a Wibblewam stood
Was now a pile of stuff
Oh, yes did I mention
The +2 is +2 to bluff

 

[edbonny]

GAMERS HEAR A WHAT!

<B>Gamers Hear A What</B>

Did you hear?
Have you heard
That Wizards the Company
Is amending its words?

Before a large crowd
Stood Hasbronus the Great,
Who was chosen to speak
D&D’s newest fate.

He walked up the hill
And with a warbly, big voice
Said rather smoothly
“We haven’t a choice!”

“You see, it’s been growing,
This great thing we all love,
Arms, legs and toes
Both below and above.”

“It needed a trimming,
A change here and now.
It became quite a mess
And we didn’t know how!”

“So we whindled and whockered,
And whixered it, too!
And pluckered and splindled
Until we were through.”

“This great thing of ours
We fixed with great care.
Why look at it now!
We’re almost quite there!”

“It’s the D&D game
Which everyone plays!
We simply fine-tuned it
In wonderful ways!”

“A new edition it’s not,
But it’s got what is hot!
In fact, what it’s got
Is quite a good lot!”

“With whos-its and whats-its
And tweakings galore!
Brand new and shiny
At your RPG store!”

“So come all, come see,
It’s the new D&D!
You’ll find it on stands
In Two-Thousand and Three!”


There was a small silence,
A gasp and a pause!
What were gamers to do?
Cry? Laugh? Give applause?

But then came a noise
A terrible, loud sound!
That shook great Hasbronus
And all of the ground!

It was those cranky, old gamers,
The Grumpety-Grumps,
Who snarl and who snickle
On their trumpety-trumps.

“What nonsense is this?
Updated!?! Revised!?!
Who could think such a thing?
Why, these tweakings are lies!”

“These changes are wrong!
They’re not good at all!
Who gave them the right?
We’ll make Wizards fall!”

“We won’t pay a cent!
Not one penny more!
We’ll never buy anything
From that Wizards’ store!”

Then they stamped their gnarled feet,
And pulled at their humps!
They gnashed their sharp teeth!
These were nasty old Grumps.

And from way out back yonder,
Somewhere over there,
Came kindly, good gamers,
With harsh words to share.

“Look here, you old Grumps!
You nay-saying fools!
Stop all your nonsense!
We want revised rules!”

“Give us wizardy wizards!
Make more thievery thieves!
Better feats, spells and skills
What more does one need?"

And then just like that
The good gamers were done,
Awaiting the release
Of their updated fun!

The Grumps didn’t like it.
They hate change a-plenty.
So they saved all their money
And downloaded d20!

- Ed Bonny

 

[megamania]

Adventuring ABC's & 123's

ADVENTURING ABC’s & 123’s

To my new born son
Born during the mid-day sun
If you so wish to do as I do
Then do as I do

I give you an enchanted sword or two
Just as my father had given me too
So you may do as I do
If you wish to do as I do

I am an adventurer years twenty and four
I ask that you remember this before
If you wish to do as I do
Then do as I do

Remember your adventuring ABCs and 123’s

Almost Alluring, Alienated Alien Albino Alligators Aurgued Angrily And Although Altered, Agreed Against Almost All Alternatives After All Altercations.

Big Baby Blue Behemoths Belched Boldly Between Blackish Brown Bright Beholders Before Bouncing Beside Bramble Bushes

Cantrip Cursed Curious Cruel Curled Crawling Claws Cut Carefully Chedder Cheese Cubes Containing Calcuim Capsules Continueously Causing Cold Calculating Caustic Cancer Cells Chiding Constantly Comfortably Commune

Dangerously Dumb Drunken Dirty Dwarves Dug Determinely Directly Down Deliberately Defying Directives Designed During Desperate Disconnected Deadly Dilemmas

Eighty- Eight Enraged Elf Eating Ettins Enjoyed Entombing Eighteen Enormous Eloquent Elephants Equalaterally

Forty- Four Fighting Furious Furry Ferbals Fell Freely From Five Foreign Frozen Fighter’s Frosted Fingers Forgetting Firsthand Feeble Frettings From Furnishing Forlong Fuddled Feelings Forever

Great Gritty Green Gooey Gelatinous Globs Grew Grossly Gangrene Germinating Generally Ghastly Ghoulish Gagging Glowing Gases Gypping Grave Gruesome Greedy Governors

Helping Halaster Heavy Heartedly Hyper Hidious Horny Humaniod Hobgoblins Handled Hundreds Handicapped Hardcore Harpries Hurriedly

Isolated In Immense Iced Igloos, Incredible Inedible Immature Insidious Imps Increasingly Itched Iritatingly Inside Issueing Indirect Inclinations Including Intolerable Isometric Invalid Intuitions Insufferably

Jumping Juggling Jogging Jungle Juagars Joyisly Joked Jointly Judged Joyless Jolting Jeweled Jellyfish

Kindly Keg Kicking Korred Kin Kept Kayaking Kinetically Knocking Kinky Kelpies Karmic Korean Kitchen Knowledge

Large Lumbering Leering Lizards Loved Lightly Little Limp Lumpy Lettice Leaves Laying Lifelessly Like Limber Loined Limbo Lieing Lion -Like Liches

Many Moldy Mighty Mammoths Moved Most Merrily Measuring Most Meager Melee Mishaps Meriting More Massive Murderous Mystically Musical Mutilations Myriadly

Naughty Nor Nice Neutral Natured Noisey Nude Neanderthals Nervously Navigated Nature’s Negative Neurotic Nightly Nonsense Nevermore Needing Necessary Necromantic Nonpartisan Numbered Naked Nymphs

Omitted Orange Orcastrating Omnipotent Old Ones Occationally Openly Outburst Onto Our Outer Opening

Plumb Purple Pigment Painted Partying Prolifical Paladins Pranced Promptly Proudly Presenting Pedicured Peasants Performing Petty Perverse Platonic Plays

Quite Quietly Quivering Queen Quip Quit Quilting Queerly, Quelling Questation Quizzing Queen Quietude’s Quaking Quantumized Quandaries

Rip Roaring Rugged Rabid Rabbits Rapidly Ran Raggedly Recruiting Red Reef Renegade Remoras Remembering Renown Rustic Reports Regarding Residental Rewards Righteously Reworded Rudely

Sixty-Six Strangely Straight Stripped Savage Sick Stags Stomped Strongly Suddenly Surging Sideways Stampedeing Such Some Seldom Stopped Successfully Sliding Slowly Striking Stupid Subdued Summoned Screaming Scarlet Spiders Squarely

Thirty-Three Thousand Thundering Then Tiredly Thudding Three-Toed Tripping Troglodytes Triumphfully Thanked Their Terrible Tricky Talking Troubled Tribal Tyrant

Unusually Unique Unstable Undertows Undertake Us Unpleasantly Unless Ugly Uncaring Umberlee Utterly Understands Us Unconditionally Under Unruly Ultimate Universal Unstated Unions

Very Violently Vile Vandalizing Vampires Voluntarily Visited Vast Vegetarian Veterinarian Veteran Vessals Very Venerably Verbilizeing Vintage Victorian Verdicts Very Vulgarly

White Wilely Wites Wailed Willingly While Weeding Weird William’s White Wheat Weekly

Xenophobic Xils X-rayed Xilophones

Yellow Yelling Yelping Yapping Yetis Yodeled Yearnly Yet Yielded Your Youthful Yawning Yearly

Zulu Zack Zip Zapped Zero Zillion Zygotain Zany Zigguratal Zombies Zealotously


One horn
Wears an Unicorn

Two Heads frettin’
Wears an Ettin

Three spikes atop
Wears a Tricerotops

Four arms rogue
Wears a B’rogue

Five eyes a killin’
Wears a Beholder-kin

Six legs dismal
Wears a Crysmal

Seven Faces
Wear the original PC Races

Eight legs quiver
Wears an Obsideon Retriever

Nine attacks taken
Gives a Kraken

Ten eye stalks sioldier
Wears a Beholder

Remember these and more
Before you enter any Moor
If you wish to do as I do
Then do as I do

Often you will be poor
But eventually riches will pour
If you wish to not do as I do
Then please do as you will do

Though at times you may be sore
Our hearts will soar
If you so wish to do
Then do you must do


Remember your Adventuring ABC’s and 123’s
If It will bring you glee
Because I love thee
Little baby Timmy


The Mania 12/02

 

[Sagiro]

because they're so darned fun to write!

"Broken"

by Sagiro

A tour of the Rulebooks for your 3rd Edition
Reveals a hard truth of the human condition
You give all us nerds a nice ENBoard stage
And we'll find something BROKEN on every dang page!

Broke classes, broke magic, broke weapons, broke rules,
These rules were released by a conflux of fools!
Whoever said "Sure, this is balanced enough."
Had never seen Munchkins out strutting their stuff.

You're looking for trouble? Try telekinesis!
It doesn't sound bad but consider this thesis:
I haul up a cart that is loaded with arrows,
The next thing you know they're all flying like sparrows!

I've unleashed a hailstorm of miniature missiles
They'll stick you like barbs and they'll prick you like thistles
Each one does a measly d4 points of pain
But a barrel of broadheads will blast out your brain!

And what about haste? It's obscenely absurd.
It's better than eyebite or unholy word.
It doubles the output of spells for the caster,
Creating a cackling spell-casting master!

And if haste is broken, then harm is destroyed,
A divine caster's H-Bomb divinely deployed.
A touch attack takes down a Tarrasque to two!
A quickened inflict and your troubles are through.

Now polymorph other just asks for abuse
Change your friends! Change your foes! It's got use upon use!
Just turn all your fighters to Giants and Trolls,
While your enemies get to be goldfish and voles.

And if you have doubts about polymorph other,
Just check out shape change, its 9th level big brother.
Your poor Dungeon Master will pull out her hair
When you pluck this sick stratagem out of thin air:

First fly overhead while your foe wonders why,
Then change to an adamant cube in the sky!
A block that is hundreds of feet in dimension
Is sure to draw lots of astonished attention.

The players you play with will shout out with joy
While your DM will look a bit shocked at the ploy
But the best part is grabbing that handful of dice
and rolling those four thousand D-sixes -- twice!

It may take you hours to count all those pips
while the DM looks on with a-quivering lips
But wait 'til you see the sad look in her eye
When you ask "I do twelve thousand points... did it die?"

But enough about shape change -- let's talk about chains.
The spike-adorned chain is a game-master's bane.
This rockin' reach weapon, expertly employed
Can render your NPC warrantees Void.

And what of that greatsword with liquid inside?
It does extra damage without a downside!
Its physics are faulty, there's no doubt about it,
but smack-downish Munchkins won't leave home without it.

Without silly swords or a chain rife with spikes,
A fine Bladed Gauntlet will bolster your strikes
And if that still fails to fulfill your demands,
Try Crossbows (repeating) equipped in both hands!

Are any feats broken? Here for your submission
Are Prodigy, Manyshot, Expert Tactician.
But Great Cleave and Whirlwind make other Feats pale:
Just watch what I do with this bucket of snails!

Absurd magic items? There’s plenty to spare,
And that’s just the ones you find under “footwear.”
There’s Striding and Springing and Speed a la Boots
That take none of the labor but give all the fruits!

A quite broken class that rains death from above
is the Order of Bow, the Initiate of.
With its Archery Zen and its Sneak Attacks ranged
And its opportunistic attacks fast exchanged

The Crescent Moon Ninja’s another example
Of prestige class madness. Just look at its sample
Of special class powers; they must have been high!
This Ninja’s a thing for which Munchkins would die!

And what of the Archmage? The guy is a terror!
The Duelist’s a standard smack-down standard-bearer.
The Hospitaler has a whack BAB,
The Shifter can shift all she wants… and it’s free!

There’s nothing that’s fair and there’s nothing that’s just
It fills a fair-minded DM with disgust!
Persistent Spell, forcecage, miasma and shield –
Is there anything here that should not be repealed?

Forget it! I’m giving this game up for good.
I should…
And I would…
And I certainly could…

…oh, but maybe I just have an unfair impression.

Fine.

Pass the d20.

I’ll play one more session.

the end