Funny things you have said

[Tinker Gnome]

Can you remember any funny things you have said? Granted how funny something is is a bit subjective, but post anything you think might be funny anyways.

This one happaned a while aho, so I am not sure if it is 100% correct.

I was playing Axis & Allies with my older brother and my cousins, my brother was playing as Germany, I went off to get a drink and when I came back his foot was on my chair so I said.

"Hitler has his foot on my chair, someone make him take it off."

 

[Bryan898]

This was something one of my players said. He had just murdered someone (accidently through a critical), and ran to the nearest temple with his dead foe on his shoudler. He drops his foe and starts yelling for the cleric. When the LG cleric comes out and asks "What happened" the CN rogue responds "Oh, I stabbed him."

Needless to say the rogue spent the night in jail.

 

[Algolei]

Bubba has poor handwriting, and Bob has poor eyesight and is an idiot. So when Bob was transcribing Bubba's character's equipment onto the party treasure sheet (because Bubba's characters always die when they're 3rd level, and then the party splits up his stuff), Bob carefully wrote down "Hand Lotion" instead of "Hooded Lantern."

When it came time to divvy up the loot, well...you can just imagine the confusion.

"Who wants this hand lotion?"
"What hand lotion?"
"Why are you carrying hand lotion?"
"I get chapped."
"How much hand lotion IS there?"
"Too much for you, you Halfling!"
"Why haven't you been sharing?"
"I have, why do you think you keep slipping off your horse!"

...and then they went into enemas and things, I don't know, I couldn't hear--I had dice in my ears and was choking on a cheezy-poof by that point.

 

[Jeff Wilder]

Long time ago, we were playing Fantasy Trip. We were at a dead end, and had no place left to go. There was a solid gold fountain, about five feet in diameter, and a party member asked my character to try to shift it, to see if we were missing a secret door. (Don't ask me.) I blinked and said, "I don't think I have the strength to move fountains."

Everybody cracked up. I took credit for it, but the truth is that it was a completely accidental pun.

(BTW, we eventually figured out that the fountain was the way out. It was actually a miniature castle, and we'd earlier obtained shrinking draughts. Took us a while, though.)

 

[Jdvn1]

A friend of mine was taking the batteries out of the smoke detector... it was being all funky.
"What are you doing?"
"Taking the batteries out of that."
"Shouldn't we keep it on in case of fire?"
"Like you care."
"I do care."
"About yourself."
"I didn't specify."

I was at a Chinese restaurant with another friend...
"According to this, I can marry someone who's 16, 18, or 24."
"Or 2."

Some friends were being sexist and I felt left out: "Women are like tires. Round, rubbery, and steel-lined."

 

[GlassJaw]

For some reason I have been saying "fudge" a lot instead of a 4-letter word that also starts with "f". I have no idea why I started saying it either but even if something bad happens, I immediately feel better after I say it. I've said it around friends and they think it's funny too. If I'm really mad or need some extra emphasis, I'll say "fudge pants".

 

[Dimwhit]

Not gaming related...

"Samantha [my 4-year-old], put down that carrot and eat your brownie!"

It made more sense at the time I said it, but I still felt stupid.

 

[Tinner]

We were playing a Shadowrun game with four experienced players, and one newbie, who just didn't quite get it.
The PC's are on a nearby rooftop staking out an office building in preparation for some wetwork. Suddenly they see their target exit the building, heading for his car.
They weren't supposed to let him get away, and the newbie was told that he would be held personally responsible if the target escaped.
In a panic the newbie looks at his partner (the sniper) and says "Can't you do something to stop him?!"
Sniper: I could shoot him.
Newbie: With what?
Sniper: With this. (Holds up an enormous sniper rifle. One of the game's most lethal weapons.)
Newbie: Yeah ... that's a good idea. Do it.
The sniper lines up as his shot and is about to pull the tirgger ...
Newbie: Do you think you could make it look like an accident?
Sniper: An accident?!?
Newbie: Yeah, like maybe he just had a heart attack or something?
Sniper: Sure. (pulls trigger - target's chest explodes in gore) Now it looks like his heart attacked him.

 

[diaglo]

kids say the funniest things.

my niece overhead my mother and sister talking about a vacation to Hershey PA.

i was hanging out with my group gaming. so she stopped by to say hello. when i ask her where grandma was. her reply, "Grandma and Mommy are talking about fudgepacking in the kitchen."

needless to say... a roomful of gamers couldn't hold back the tears from laughing so hard.

 

[Jdvn1]

We were on a quest to retrieve an artifact with some NPC. Well, he must have a stupid low WIS because he was running around the dungeon screaming, "Wow, cool! I found something here! Oh, this looks old! No artifact yet! Have you seen anything?" etc etc. I ran to him, grabbed him, and said, "Quiet. There are typically creatures you don't want to wake in these places. The louder you are, the more likely you are to die. You can go crazy when we're done with this place." And he goes, "... Oop. Okay. Sorry." And he's quiet the entire rest of the dungeon.

We fight some things and eventually make it to the bottom, where the artifact has to be. We open the door, go down some stairs, go through a hallway, and there's a huge room. It's a dome-shaped room, with a radius of 100'. It's dark and completely empty, save for one pedestal, in the very middle, with an item on it.

Of course everyone knows D&D and is like, "... Crap. This is the scariest thing ever. An empty room." I'm standing in front of the group at the doorway to the room, with the NPC next to me. I turn to him and say, "Go crazy."

... Yeah. Everyone was cracking up as the dude runs in and, like, 30 traps kill him.