I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

[Maudlin]

Q: What do you say to an angry transmuter?
A: Ribbit!

Q: Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

Q: What is the difference between Jozan the Cleric and Hennet the Sorcerer?
A: The way they say ahhhh-men.

Q: A Grey Render is telling his cub a bedtime story. The story goes "Once upon a Time. The End."
A: The puppy says "Daddy, why such a short tail?"

So the amnesiac druid was peeing in the woods. "I think it's all coming back to me", he said, and then the wind changed.

Q: What did the triton say when he hit a wall?
A: Dam!

Did you hear about the bards who robbed the music store? They were luters.

Q: What has 4 legs and an arm?
A: A happy hellhound.

And one with the anachronism expunged, which makes it funnier imho:

Q: What do you get when you push a Galeb Duhr bard down a hill?
A: Music. I didn't get it either.

 

[toberane]

A human, and Elf, and a Dwarf are captured by a tribe of cannibalistic barbarians. They bring the human out in front of the tribe, and the chief says to him, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The human replies, "Can I have my dagger?" They give him his dagger and he cuts his own throat.

They bring out the elf and say the same thing, "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The elf says, "Can I please have my dagger?" So they bring him his dagger and he, too, cuts his own throat.

They bring out the dwarf and say the same thing. "We are going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to use your skin for our canoes. Do you have a last request?"

The dwarf says, "Yes, can you bring me a fork?" Confused, the barbarians bring him a fork, which he immediately grabs and begins to stab himself repeatedly all over his torso, muttering, "To Heck with your canoes!"

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The first mate on a ship runs to the captain, shouting, "Captain, Captain! There's a pirate ship off the starboard bow!"

The captain calmly looks at the mate and says, "Bring me my red shirt." The first mate brings him a red shirt and they fight their way to victory.

About a week later, the first mate again comes running to the captain. "Captain! There are two pirate ships off the port bow, approaching fast!"

Again, the captain simply replies, "Bring me my red shirt," and again they fight their way to victory.

That evening, the crew is celebrating, the first mate asks the captain, "Sir, why do you always ask for your red shirt when we are being attacked by pirates?"

The captain says, "It is for the crew's morale. If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt will show no blood, and the crew will be assured that I am standing strong to lead the way to victory." The first mate nods in understanding and walks away.

A couple of weeks later, the first mate again comes running up to the captain, out of breath and very frightened. "Captain! There are ten pirate ships approaching, and they are almost upon us, sir!"

The captain looks calmly at the first mate and shouts, "Bring me my brown pants!"

 

[HellHound]

Hehehe, does it get in the next Portable Hole Full Of Beer ?

Hell Yeah! (If you want it to).

Heck, anyone here who would like their jokes added to the next Portable Hole Full of Beer (aka: Son of a Portable Hole - due for release next April 1st), just send me an email - blackhammer@dreadgazebo.com - and I'll add you to the list!

 

[Uvenelei]

The King, the high priest, and the master of the White Lotus monastery are arguing over who has the most faithful followers. To see who does, they devise a test: each man will take his most loyal follower and ask them to complete an obstacle course of sorts. The followers will jump down a waterfall into a lake filled with man-eating fish, swim to the shore, run through a forest filled with xenophobic elves to the back entrance to a dragon's lair, then finally run through the lair and back to the cliff where they started.

The next day, the three men have gathered their bravest followers. The King steps forward with his best knight and says, "If you complete this task, you shall have the hand of my daughter in marriage." The knight looks out over the course and shakes his head, saying, "Sorry sir, I cannot do it."

Next the priest steps forward with his noblest paladin and says, "Do this for the glory of our Lord." The paladin looks out over the course, and hangs his head in shame as he says "I cannot do it."

Next the master steps forward with one of his monks. He says simply, "Go", and the monk dives off the cliff. The rest of the men watch in awe as he reaches the shore, dashes through the forest deflecting arrows left and right, and finally emerges from the dragon's lair followed by a gout of flame. He trots up to the group, winded and slightly toasty but unharmed. The King and the high priest applaud the brave monk as he stands before his master.

"Very good, my pupil," the master says. "I will give you anything you wish."

The monk replies, "All I want to know is who pushed me."

 

[William Ronald]

Hellhound, include anything you like that I wrote in the next Portable Hole of Bear!

What is the most disliked giant? Easy, a gas giant! (Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)

Why are treants not a threat? They are all bark and no bite!

What is a kuo toa's favorite drink? Sahua-gin.

"His lectures are boring. I dozed off during the one about the sleep spell."

"Did you hear about the motto of the new Lasher and Master of Chains club? Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me?" (I thought of that when I saw those two Prestige classes in Sword and First.)

"Quick: What two words has a fighter in plate push a wizard into combat? Rust monster."

"I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a paladim."

 

[Piratecat]

What is the underdark's favorite brand of ice cream? Sahaugin-Daz.

 

[ladyofdragons]

another converted ethnic/half-orc joke. requires some interactive telling, but was one of my favorites as a child.

A group of clerics of Gruumpsh get together and decide to have a "half-orc of the year" award for their parishioners. They get a likely candidate, and bring him into a back room of the temple for his test.

The only item in the room is a table with an axe on it. The high priest points to the axe and says "What is that?". The chosen half-orc says "It's an axe.", and all the gathered preists clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da" (note: make up a melody or chant)

The next year rolls around, and another half-orc is chosen. They bring him in to the back room of the temple for his test, and there is a longsword on the table. The high priest points to the sword and says "What is that?". The chosen half or says "It's a sword.", and all the gathered preists clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da"

The next year rolls around, and another half-orc is chosen. They bring him into the back room of the temple for his test, and there is a... a ummm... (at this point make hand waves and hints like "long wood thingy with the odd-shaped pointy bit..." and such, referencing a pole-arm. when someone in the group mentions a pole-arm or any flavor of pole-arm such as a bec de corbin or mancatcher or such, clap and sing "You're the half-orc of the year, da da da")

 

[GILGAMESH]

So, this guy walks into a tavern and sits down at the bar. The tavern owner looks over and see that he has a BEHOLDER growing out of the top of his head. The tavern owner( not wanting to be inhospitable) walks up to the man and asks," So, buddy, how did this happen to you?" The BEHOLDER looks down at the tavern owner and says," I don't know, It started out as a pimple on my butt."......Hhhaaa...... hhaaaa....hhhhaaa....Get it , the man was the pimple, ........ get it.

 

[Sinistar]

Ahh, finally a Tick quote. Nothing better than the Tick!

For the dwarf jester, I think a bunch of human jokes would go over well as well. Plus it would get to the party more as they seem to be mostly human... Use "little moron" jokes and replace it with human.

Why did the little human take a ladder to the wizard college? He wanted to go to High Magic School.

Why did the little human throw the chronograph out the window? He wanted to see time fly.

How many humans does it take to replace a door? two generations, the first to argue about which way the door should open and the second to hire a dwarf to fix it. (maybe not...)

 

[William Ronald]

Here is one based on a joke that someone told me.

A man goes to a temple and brings his dog with him. A new member says, "You can't bring your dog here."

The man replies, "My dog Max is a member of this congregation," and helps the dog on with a holy symbol and religious vestments.

The high priest of the temple during the services asks Max to go up before the altar and do a reading of the text that they were studying last week. The dog reads the text aloud in its original language and offers up an interpreptation of it based on the views of several prominent scholars. The high priest smiles at Max and thanks him for his reading and lecture.

The new temple member looks at Max with awe, and whispers "He should go to seminary."

The dog's owner turns to him and shrugs his shoulders? "What can you do? He wants to be an archmage."