Fine.
Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! Also, because as terrible as discussing Star Wars is, we seem dangerously close to an actual RPG discussion.
(The following list of all Star Wars stuff was determined by Colosson the Numberwang Robot and as the product of Maths cannot be argued with.)
1. Empire Strikes Back.
2. A New Hope
3. Andor (S1).
4. 3/4" Star Wars Action Figures
5. The Last Jedi.
4. Rogue One.
6. The Mandalorian.
7. Star Wars Bed Sheets. Search your feelings. You know this to be true.
8. Various animated Star Wars shows, such as Clone Wars, Bad Batch, and Rebels.
9. The Kenner Millennium Falcon. Would be higher, but Derek totally bogarted playing with it. DEREK!!!!
10. The Force Awakens. Needz moar lenz flarez.
11. Going to any Star Wars movie with a friend who keeps asking you if Yoda is related to Hulk. Because Green?
12. Return of the Jedi. Ain't no party like an Ewok party 'cuz an Ewok party can't stop. Yub nub, eee chop yub nub.
13. Ahsoka.
14. That recurring nightmare that George Lucas has invented time travel and is going to use it to improve Cinema by re-writing the dialogue of Casablanca and Glengarry Glen Ross and adding wipes for transitions in all Kubrick movies. Also? Walkie talkies make good blasters, amirite?
15. Revenge of the Sith.
16. Obi Wan. Perfectly cromulent. Filler, filler, filler, filler, BEN AND ANAKIN FIGHT, filler.
17. Reading Simon Pegg's statement that Star Wars has the most toxic fanbase and thinking ... eh, he's not wrong, but still feeling the need to write a 25,000 word rebuttal because nu-Scotty doesn't get to criticize Star Wars.
18. The Phantom Menace. Meesa like the prequels?
19. Solo (except Lando ... Lando is cool, and not even this movie can make Lando uncool).
20. Going into your attic and finding that all of your Star Wars collectibles that you never played with because of their value have melted in the latest heatwave into a large Jabba-like mass on top of your vintage Kenner X-Wing, and recognizing that this a metaphor for the loss of your childhood.
21. Caravan of Courage.
22. Realizing that not only is Disney recycling all the Star Wars characters you grew up with, but that the actors that played those characters are dying too, and that AI Princess Leia is just the abyss staring back at you.
23. Book of Boba Fett. Really, the story of Star Wars is taking an iconic and awesome mysterious bounty hunter and making him desperately uncool.
24. Battle of Endor.
25. Holiday Special. Cocaine is a helluva drug.
26. George Lucas’s proposed sequels about the midi-chlorians. Because that's the one part of Star Wars I really wanted to know more about. For whatever wrongs Disney has done, they didn't do this. Although I would pay to hear Weird Al do a version of, "It's all about the midi-chlorians."
27. Finally recognizing that a space opera that you enjoyed for a few years in your youth and still appreciate to this day is not only nothing more than more corporate IP that Disney is using to take over the world and everyone’s brains through a streaming service, but is also the breeding ground for a peculiar and nasty strain of nerd-rage with a side-dose of toxic masculinity that frightens the hell out of you- and trying to come to an understanding that Star Wars has always been primarily about and for young people, not you.
28. Attack of the Clones.
