Player canceling late

[noretoc]

Can I get some opinions from all of you.

I have a player who has been consistantly a problem with call outs. Since he started playing he would get into runs where he would show up at every game, and then would hit runs where he would not show up for more than half of the games. He is also a DM and he used to run a game at the FLGS on a different day. He would do real good, and then suddenly stop showing up. He would call the store and let them know, but never got in touch with all of the players, so some of them would show, only to be told by the owner the game was canceled.
My group also let him DM for a while so I could have a break, and it was going good for a few months, then suddenly he would call me the day before a game to cancel. I would have to come up with something fast for the day or we would have to cancel completley. I have also had a couple of time where he just did not show up, with no call, but that has not happened in a while.
Now the last three weeks he has not shown up. The first he sent me a message on AIM that said "Just letting you know I am not coming" about two hours before the game. He signed off, with no explanation, and no chance for me to ask him. The next week we had planed on going to a ren faire, and it got canceled. We tried to put the game back on called him and he didn't even know the game was originally canceled. (Though we asked him to come to the fair with us, so I don't know how he thought we were still playing). When I found out, we called him back in ten mins to let him know we were going to try to get the game back on, but he told us he had already made plans (in ten mins) and could not go. I didn't hold that against him. Yesterday he left me a message about 2 1/2 hours before the game, and it said "I am not showign up, I am celebrating my anniversary, and sorry I didn't tell you sooner, I was running errands". (he has a cell and my number)

Here are some additional details. His mother in law is sick and his wife has to take care of her. I know he has had to cancel before to keep an eye on her. Also we have had him cancel on us, only to have one of my players log into Everquest to find him playing (this also has not happened in a while though)

Another detail, is that latley I have been very busy, so I don't get much prep time. His character is a cleric and undead hunter. I ceated a NPC and plot that would tie in to his background. (I do this for all of the characters as I can, this time it was just his turn). When he didn't show, it really meant that the whole plot point couldn't be used. I shifted it to someone else, but without the history it did not have the effect.

Also I have two other players who tend to have games where they cant show. One just had a son, so if he shows up it is only for half a game, and he is very erratic. He has been kind enough to play an NPC when he shows, one that can step in and out. Anothet player hae a daughter and works some sats. He also dosen't show to all the games. The difference is that they have let me know ahead of time thier situatiion, and often can tell me a week in advance if they will make it to a game.

Back to the first player. I sent him a message telling him that is he is so busy, that he can not give me notice, then he is too busy to play and when he can manage his time better to let me know and we can talk about him playing again.

He sent me an email (and to all of my players) calling me out, getting personal, saying that he has a lot going on, (other family is sick, and making it hard on him, which he didnt tell me before today, (though I knew about his mother-in-law) and if I could not adjust my game better than there is a problem with my DMing.

Now I don't have a problem with people not showing, but it has been this way with him for a long time, before anything was wrong. Also one day was no explanation, and the next was that he didn't let me know earlier because he was running errands. (though i think he should have known he was celebrating an anniversary earlier than that morning). I was most upset because I spent design time on stuff for his character so that he could have fun, when I could have used that time to do something for a player that was going to make it that week. Also if it had been just thoes two times, it wouldn't be a big deal, but there was a time in our past I almost asked him to leave for doign the same. It never got to that point, though.

Was I wrong to ask hi to get his act together or not play? Can I get some opinions? Sorry this was so long.

 

[jdrakeh]

Was I wrong to ask him to get his act together or not play?

Nope. I think that your request to have him contact you when he has a more concrete schedule was reasonable.

 

[delericho]

In this day of email, mobile phones, and ubiquitous communications, the only excuse for not showing without any explanation is that someone had to go to the hospital.

For the rest, well...

Gaming is a leisure activity. People have the right to not play at any given session for any reason they see fit, or even for no reason at all. The questions you have to ask are: how do you deal with this? And do you continue to game with this person?

In terms of reaction, I would not have the group let him DM again. If he can't guarantee a reasonable level of attendence, then he can't be essential to the game. Similarly, don't write plot lines that tie into his character, for the same reason. I would also advise devising some mechanism whereby his character can come and go without fuss, so that he can do the same.

In terms of whether you will continue to game with him or not, that's really a question you have to answer for yourself. I have a player in my group who works shifts, and doesn't find out until the day of the game whether he'll be there or not. Yet, because we all know this is the way it is, we work around it and it is fine. Another player has instead had to drop out of the game, due to family commitments. We told him his seat would remain open, if his circumstances changed.

For you, it might be different.

Good luck!

(Oh, one more thing: if you need to talk to this guy about his attendence, do it one-on-one and face-to-face. A quiet word handled this way will always work better than the entire group ganging up on him, or through the anonymity of email. Trust me on this.)

 

[noretoc]

In this day of email, mobile phones, and ubiquitous communications, the only excuse for not showing without any explanation is that someone had to go to the hospital.

For the rest, well...

Gaming is a leisure activity. People have the right to not play at any given session for any reason they see fit, or even for no reason at all. The questions you have to ask are: how do you deal with this? And do you continue to game with this person?

In terms of reaction, I would not have the group let him DM again. If he can't guarantee a reasonable level of attendence, then he can't be essential to the game. Similarly, don't write plot lines that tie into his character, for the same reason. I would also advise devising some mechanism whereby his character can come and go without fuss, so that he can do the same.

In terms of whether you will continue to game with him or not, that's really a question you have to answer for yourself. I have a player in my group who works shifts, and doesn't find out until the day of the game whether he'll be there or not. Yet, because we all know this is the way it is, we work around it and it is fine. Another player has instead had to drop out of the game, due to family commitments. We told him his seat would remain open, if his circumstances changed.

For you, it might be different.

Good luck!

(Oh, one more thing: if you need to talk to this guy about his attendence, do it one-on-one and face-to-face. A quiet word handled this way will always work better than the entire group ganging up on him, or through the anonymity of email. Trust me on this.)

Thanks. Yes, he knew it was an issue from conversations we have. I also have not problem with schedules being out of whack. Two of my other players are like that. I know that thier situation can change from moment to moment. If this player had told me something happened with somone in the family, etc and he cant make it, I would understand.

 

[Treebore]

Bottom line is he is failing to follow rules of courtesy. He is in the wrong, your in the right. Tell him to grow up and show some common courtesy. Even his sick family doesn't excuse him, especially since he does it so regularly.

I'm 100% disabled vet, my wife is so disabled she is bed ridden most of the time, and I have 3 kids and a bunch of farm animals. I manage to schedule my life just fine to make the games I am supposed to make, and as soon as I realize I won't make the game session an e-mail, phone call, or post to the games forum will be done, all 3 when I can do so. Which is almost every time.

Tell your buddy if his life is so overwhelming he can't think about courtesy to get professional help. Apparently he is overwhelmed and feeling like he is drowning. Time for him to grab a life line. Plus to quit playing until he can figure out how to manage his life. Friends, even casual friends, deserve courtesy, and as much of it as possible. He obviously doesn't give courtesy enough importance.

 

[Flynn]

Personally, I maintain a policy in which anyone that misses three sessions in any rolling six session period has voluntarily resigned from the game, opening their seat to be filled, unless the group decided by unanimous vote to keep them in the game. My thought philosophy is simple: I understand that life sometimes requires that you miss a game here and there, and I cannot fault anyone for that. However, if you miss a game often enough over any six session period that you are missing half of the sessions, then perhaps you should not have to worry about the game so you can take care of other issues. In addition, I must think of the other players who are able to maintain that level of commitment, and open up the seat to someone who might be more regular in attendance, so that they have a player and a character that can contribute to the ongoing campaign. It is understandable that circumstances sometimes dictate a period of poor attendance, and that's why there's a unanimous approval override. It requires that you communicate your absence with the group ahead of time, and that it be of sufficient cause that EVERYONE at the table (including myself) feel that the game is best served by keeping your seat reserved for you for when you can return. If your reasons are not sufficient, if even one person disagrees with letting you stay, then you must leave the group and your name can go back at the bottom of the waiting list before you can have another opportunity to rejoin the group. (Needless to say, I keep a waiting list of interested players, for just such an occasion.)

I make sure that everyone knows my rules when they come into the game, so there are no surprises. I also know that some people decide to stop playing, and then don't tell anyone because they don't want a confrontation. It doesn't bother me if someone decides to leave the group, and this guideline allows me to move forward without wondering what happened to the guy that suddenly stopped coming or anything, because the player is the one to make the choice by the nature of their own actions. I figure if I don't hear from them by three weeks, I'm not going to, and we move on.

At any rate, I hope this helps. If you decide to use this rule, let them all know now, and then start counting. Three absences in six weeks, and let the group decide if the guy should stay or go. Remember, your opinion counts, and from the sounds of it, I'd dare suggest that your vote will probably be "go", but listen to the others first. Giving your players a chance to speak on the matter may give you a perspective on the matter you didn't have before, or simply reinforce your decision.

With Regards,
Flynn

 

[noretoc]

Thanks to everyone for the opinions. I feel much better than I did this morning.

 

[scourger]

This happens in our group all the time. As a DM, I find that I must make accommodations. I can't boot a player. We're all long-time friends, and I wouldn't want to try to recruit replacements. Real life intrudes.

EDIT: That said, you have to do what keeps you happy & interested in running a game. If that players isn't convenient for you, then by all means keep him out. I've done that, too.

 

[DragonLancer]

Gaming is a leisure activity. People have the right to not play at any given session for any reason they see fit, or even for no reason at all. The questions you have to ask are: how do you deal with this? And do you continue to game with this person?

It is a leisure activity, but it's also one where the DM puts time, effort, blood, sweat and tears into it. A little thing called commitment is to be expected barring obvious important events. If the player in question cannot commit to that and fails to get into contact then he shouldn't be playing. It's not fair on the DM nor the other players.

 

[Whimsical]

Role playing games are leisure, but they do require a commitment from player to attend for the game to function. It is different than getting together to watch a football game or meet at a bar for drinks. If a person is not willing to commit to the game, then they shouldn't play.

It's just like deciding to be part of a bowling league. The game is noticably affected if a bowler or two doesn't show up.

If, for whatever reason, he is still playing, don't invest anything into that character. The player is incorporeal. Have his presence or absence not affect what is going on in the game.