Player canceling late

[Emirikol]

I just asked two players of my campaign to take an "alternate only" role. I didnt' really 'ask' them as much as 'inform' them of their new status. They're only allowed at the table if we're short (i.e. 5 or less). Now of course, we're down to 4 regular players with one other guy who informed us well ahead of time that he was out for a month.

I've not thought twice about the "alternates." We play with 4 and I don't have the stress I had when people were not making a commitment.

Jay

 

[Keldryn]

I'm torn on the issue because I've been on both ends of the experience. It does suck when you're running a game and one player is inconsistent in his or her attendance. It does let the other players down as well. And if the DM isn't consistent, it leaves all of the players high and dry.

On the other hand, I find the tone of many of the responses to be rather judgmental.

I've been in pretty much the same boat as this player many times in my life, and in fact this pattern of behaviour was one of the things that led my doctor to suggesting a diagnosis of ADHD (Inattentive Type) a couple of years ago. Not saying this necessarily applies to the player in question, but his behaviour sounds extremely familiar with me, and it is a possibility -- especially if he has the same issues with time management and "commitment" in other aspects of his life. I've had a life full of over-committing myself and under-delivering as well as constantly running late for everything, and flip-flopping between passionate interest in something and total apathy towards it.

It may be that none of that applies to this player, but I certainly wouldn't rule it out as a possibility.

 

[noretoc]

I'm torn on the issue because I've been on both ends of the experience. It does suck when you're running a game and one player is inconsistent in his or her attendance. It does let the other players down as well. And if the DM isn't consistent, it leaves all of the players high and dry.

On the other hand, I find the tone of many of the responses to be rather judgmental.

I've been in pretty much the same boat as this player many times in my life, and in fact this pattern of behaviour was one of the things that led my doctor to suggesting a diagnosis of ADHD (Inattentive Type) a couple of years ago. Not saying this necessarily applies to the player in question, but his behaviour sounds extremely familiar with me, and it is a possibility -- especially if he has the same issues with time management and "commitment" in other aspects of his life. I've had a life full of over-committing myself and under-delivering as well as constantly running late for everything, and flip-flopping between passionate interest in something and total apathy towards it.

It may be that none of that applies to this player, but I certainly wouldn't rule it out as a possibility.

That could very well be the problem. I have made a lot of allowances for him already. Is the answer to keep letting it go, even though it make my job harder and isn't fair to the rest. The rest of the group dosen't really know how much it can ruin my day, when I have something cool set up, and I know if it going to be a great session with it (I have played with all for a while, so I know what they like) then I find out last minute he isn't going to make it. It is such a huge letdown, it affact me for the whole game. Then I am going through the game thinking three things. 1. how much cooler it could have been had I been able to do what I wanted. 2. I could have set something else up nice for one of the guys that is there, and I was dumb enought to spend the time on the one player instead (Which makes me feel bad for the player I could have done something neat for, even thought that player may not know) and 3. how can I make him wish he had been here. Great loot, good xp that he wont get, etc (I know it isn't the right way to be, but I'm human too, and when slighted part of me wants vengence).

It just makes a bad day...

 

[Keldryn]

That could very well be the problem. I have made a lot of allowances for him already. Is the answer to keep letting it go, even though it make my job harder and isn't fair to the rest. The rest of the group dosen't really know how much it can ruin my day, when I have something cool set up, and I know if it going to be a great session with it (I have played with all for a while, so I know what they like) then I find out last minute he isn't going to make it. It is such a huge letdown, it affact me for the whole game. Then I am going through the game thinking three things. 1. how much cooler it could have been had I been able to do what I wanted. 2. I could have set something else up nice for one of the guys that is there, and I was dumb enought to spend the time on the one player instead (Which makes me feel bad for the player I could have done something neat for, even thought that player may not know) and 3. how can I make him wish he had been here. Great loot, good xp that he wont get, etc (I know it isn't the right way to be, but I'm human too, and when slighted part of me wants vengence).

It just makes a bad day...

I always feel really guilty when I behave like this player, so I don't know that doing things just to "show him" does anything more than rub salt in the wounds. He knows that he make a commitment he couldn't keep, he knows that he should have given you more notice, and he knows that he should have managed his time better. I get really angry when people comment on me "always being late" or what have you, because I know that I am frequently late and I always try to make it on time, but I'm forever underestimating how long things will take (even building a buffer into my estimates) or committing to doing too many things at once.

This sort of "executive dysfunction" is one of the defining traits of ADHD/PI. We're great at being creative and with tasks that require lateral thinking. Organization, time management, and linear tasks are often a struggle. ADHD is not so much the inability to pay attention, but an inability to regulate attention. There are physiological differences in certain areas of the prefrontal lobes of the brain in people classified as ADD or ADHD, structures which seem to be partly responsible for the regulation of attention, arousal, motivation, and executive function.

The best solution in such a case might be to not base any of your major plotlines around his character; any adventure hooks directly related to his character should be ones that you could drop in at pretty much any time and run within the session. As goofy as it sounds, give his character a reason to be mysteriously running off without much notice (and the opportunities to do so).

If you're creating events in your game such that they are dependent upon this player's participation, then you're setting yourself up for disappointment. I have no idea how close you are to this player and if it's the type of thing you can talk about (ADHD). For me, having my doctor suggest ADHD (instead of the expected and typical "you're depressed" diagnosis), was life-changing.

 

[Stalker0]

Gaming is a leisure activity. People have the right to not play at any given session for any reason they see fit, or even for no reason at all.

But its not a personal leisure activity, its a group one. By canceling, you are denying several other people their leisure activity. Now that's fine when its a day or so in advance, people will find other things to do. Its another when its 2 hours to go and the game is canceled, that can ruin a person's entire plans for the day.

I think demanding consistency for the sake of the group is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it shameful if he has to quit to take care of his mother. But he may not be able to do both, and that's just life.

 

[Wraith Form]

I always feel really guilty when I behave like this player, so I don't know that doing things just to "show him" does anything more than rub salt in the wounds. He knows that he make a commitment he couldn't keep, he knows that he should have given you more notice, and he knows that he should have managed his time better. I get really angry when people comment on me "always being late" or what have you, because I know that I am frequently late and I always try to make it on time, but I'm forever underestimating how long things will take (even building a buffer into my estimates) or committing to doing too many things at once.

I don't often post in what I term "soap opera topics," but I have to say that I can understand you exceptionally well, Keldryn...to the point where I, too, am considering help for what I suspect is adult ADD.

And I agree, care needs to be taken so that people don't feel punished for what they are likely already beating themselves up over, sometimes severely. We're talking dangerous amounts of self-hatred and depression and low self-esteem. We don't want to be like this, and we sincerely don't mean to be....but we are. (It's at the point where I can't sit down to read a stupid 300 page paperback, which I used to be able to do as a kid in a single evening. My wife torments me over the number of books I have, and I often feel guilty when I buy a book that I'm 99% positive I'll never finish. You can't know how stupid that makes me feel about myself.)

As others have suggested, DMing is not a role this individual should be in. If he's a player, your DM shouldn't invest in much backstory for that character, nor should the DM create adventures where this player might be critical to the success of the group.

In a nutshell, Keldryn's advice seems spot-on.

 

[noretoc]

Thank you all for the advice. We have a game tomorrow, so we will probably discuss it more than between the rest of the group. Apparently half thinks I was being too hard.

 

[JustinM]

I'd say let him come, but make sure your plot never hinges on his character's presence unless and until he gets whatever's giving him problems fixed. It sounds as if he wouldn't be present enough to miss the spotlight much anyway.

 

[Aluvial]

I deal with this in a different way. I set a parameter up, some rules that the players must follow.

This system works for me, because I give out an experience report to each player at the start of each game session.

First, I set a quorum up for play. If I have 3 players, we need 2 people to be there to play; 4 players, we need 2 people; 5 we need 3; 6/3-4; 7/4... you get the idea. I never want anyone to have to cover more than two characters if I can help it.

Second, I instill a contact clause if you are going to be late. It is the player's responsibility to contact me. Email is fine if it is early enough, but calls are better. If you show more than one hour late, you get a penalty (see below).

Third, if you miss the game entirely, or are more than one hour late, you get a penalty which I call "Quiet Mode." Quiet Mode essentially means that you get a 20% penalty on gaining experience for the game. That amount is what I figure you get for just running your own character. If you aren't there, you don't get the bonus.

At one point, I even gave the penalty experience away to the player who picked up the extra character. Picking up a high level caster is a pain! You should be rewarded for doing so.

You could set the penalty at what ever you wanted to. Say an equal percentage based on the number of players that are supposed to be there. 4 players and 1 misses, 25%; 5 players, 20%; 6 players, 17% (16.666%), and so on...

Since installing this system, I have maintained my players for years, with each of them only missing one or two sessions a year. We only miss playing the game maybe once a year for lack of players, and that usually involves the Wednesday game before Thanksgiving, or something like that.

With a system like this, you can address problem players without singling them out.

Hope this helps.

Aluvial

 

[Man in the Funny Hat]

I deal with this in a different way. I set a parameter up, some rules that the players must follow.

First and best step - discuss the subject with all participants and reach agreements as to what "the rules" are for attendance.

First, I set a quorum up for play. If I have 3 players, we need 2 people to be there to play; 4 players, we need 2 people; 5 we need 3; 6/3-4; 7/4... you get the idea. I never want anyone to have to cover more than two characters if I can help it.

We have long had a fairly small group. We want to play whenever possible but we also don't want to casually cut somebody out of the ongoing plots just because there happen to be a few changes in peoples schedules. We also establish a quorum as our total roster of players fluctuates. We actually require 3 of 4 players to be able to attend. Less than that and the game will be cancelled - although those still able to attend will often get together to do something else like play board games, see a movie, etc.

Second, I instill a contact clause if you are going to be late. It is the player's responsibility to contact me. Email is fine if it is early enough, but calls are better. If you show more than one hour late, you get a penalty (see below).

We don't have a hard and fast requirement about some of the rest of this. If you know you're going to be late, just call as many people as you can to let them know how late and preferrably why (so that if you're even later than you said you would be we can judge whether to continue to wait or start without you.) Failure to inform of lateness and non-attendance is NEVER seen as cause for IN-GAME or even meta-game penalties. It's simply rude and everyone WILL let you know that and will only tolerate it for so long before taking other action.

Third, if you miss the game entirely, or are more than one hour late, you get a penalty which I call "Quiet Mode." Quiet Mode essentially means that you get a 20% penalty on gaining experience for the game. That amount is what I figure you get for just running your own character. If you aren't there, you don't get the bonus.

I would never do anything like that. This is D&D, not work, or school. While not extreme, these do seem like excessive measures. If they are needed or even wanted then I'd say there's deeper issues somewhere and that this wouldn't really be the way to address them.

The basic rule of attendance I have is to make it crystal clear that the game IS ALWAYS ON unless you hear SPECIFICALLY otherwise. It's Saturday at 1pm. Keep communication OPEN - if your schedule makes your attendance questionable don't keep that information to yourself. TELL the DM. Even if you're just not feeling like playing D&D for some strange reason don't feel that D&D MUST take place. We can play other games, do other things, even just hang around and talk since we do a lot of that during the game anyway.

Now of course ours has always been a less formal group and one formed of friends and family, not relative strangers. That would naturally create more formal agreements and arrangements, especially if one or more participants were rudely inconsistent (that is, consistently rude) about attendance and keeping others informed. But it's still JUST D&D, not the SAT's.

It doesn't always have to be the DM but SOMEBODY should be in charge of coordinating attendance matters. If the DM can't/won't handle it properly then let someone volunteer and then give them some minor additional consideration for the effort like paying for their munchies or something. I've had groups where the "attendance monitor" rotated from week to week and it worked fairly well.

One thing is certain, there just isn't any excuse for taking the time to keep people up to date, not on what your schedule specifically is, but simply how it AFFECTS your attendance at a scheduled game. If your schedule and/or desire to play is simply unpredictable (as described by the OP) then you have the obligation to make that known and MUST expect treatement accordingly. Such behavior might be psychological too - not so much callous indifference as a means of keeping yourself as the center of attention and exerting a form of control over the game and other participants. But it's still unacceptably rude.