D&D 5E So long and thanks for all the fish!

[rgoodbb]

“How long have you had that?”

“I dunno. Jak slipped it into my pouch back at the painted pumpkin but I couldn’t read it”

“Give it here.” Gildan snatched it away from the axe warrior.

“It’s in Undercommon. No wonder you couldn’t read it. It says…”

Throg. I need your help desperately. An evil Bar of soap has taken
my wife and son hostage and has kept them in a secret airtight room that only has
2 days of air left in it. He means to kill them and anything else. The bar of soap is pure evil.
Please save my wife and son. They only have 2 days….

Dated: 9 days ago…..​

Camera 1 Close up to Throg’s face
Camera 2 Close up to Hermione’s face
Camera 3 Close up to Spiton’s face
Camera 4 Close up to the throat of Gildan

The Knife draws across the artery and Gildan’s lifeless body drops to the floor

Camera 5 Close up from the Gildan’s Body slowly up the legs and then torso and then to the maniacal evil grin of Bar De-Door.

“For a mystic, ya didn’t see that one coming”……………………………..

 

[BoldItalic]

"One .. Two .. Three .. PAPER" called Hermione.
"What?"
"Paper wraps Soap"
"No!"
"One .. Two .. Three .. STONE" grunted Throg.
"Stone squishes Soap"
"No!!"
"One .. Two .. Three .. SCISSORS" shouted Spiton with glee.
"Scissors cut Soap"
"NoNoNoNoNoNo!!!"
"SCISSORS PAPER STONE" they shouted with one voice.

Bar De Door recoiled, fell into the lake and dissolved. Some fish blew bubbles for a while, and then it was as if he had never been.

Hermione knelt down beside the tiny corpse of Gildan and staunched the blood. "Help me stabilize him!" she commanded. But it was no good. He had lost too much blood and failed three death throws already.

"I'll pop him in my pouch," said Throg. "There's no weight to him. Maybe we can find a temple where they can do something."

"If I might make a suggestion," said the genii ...

 

[rgoodbb]

"If I might make a suggestion," said the genii ...


“No!” The three surviving adventurers almost shouted in unison. This was a personal matter. The first death in the party.

There was a rumbling in the distance, the sand began to shake and slide down nearby dunes. Running/sliding at them at an impressive speed down from the crest of a dune was an insect-like humanoid followed a few seconds later by dozens maybe hundreds of Tareks. The Mantis threw a wedge-like weapon at the horde behind him and it took out three creatures. It carried on running towards the party.

Hermione frantically started casting a spell in the water. A whirlpool began forming and they all jumped in….followed by the Thri-kreen. They swirled and swirled until they hit the ground.

…..It was dark here with a gloopy mist and they came across a couple of upset children whose names were Rose and Thorn. They were stood outside a home with a creaking sign reading Death House

"Long rest anybody?"

"Definitely"

"T'klikr-tkltrch"

The party entered the house, boots already half off................

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Just as Snüz, Goddess of Weariness, had almost completely draped The Party with her Celestial Cozy Comforter, Spiton bolted from half-sleep to fully...ummm...standing.

"I GOT IT!" he shouted.

Then he sang...
"I saw the mine and it opened up my eyes, I saw the mine
Life is demanding without understanding
I saw the mine and it opened up my eyes, I saw the mine
No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong
But where do you belong?

(Slide trombone solo)"

"What in the Nine Dangling s of Bjœrkus the Odd are you on about now, bard?"

"I finally figured out my song about the mine we were in! Remember, I wondered if I could make a song about it? Well, I thought could, and I just did! Isn't it AWESOME?"

Slowly, the other members of The Party reached for their weapons...

 

[MNblockhead]

I can't even begin to keep up and contribute, just dropping in to say this thread has become a thing of beauty.

Love watching the forum sprout and take root in a pathetic rage quit and bloom to such magnificence. EN World is a special place indeed.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I can't even begin to keep up and contribute, just dropping in to say this thread has become a thing of beauty.

Love watching the forum sprout and take root in a pathetic rage quit and bloom to such magnificence. EN World is a special place indeed.

Pretty flowers grow from rich manure.

 

[rgoodbb]

I can't even begin to keep up and contribute, just dropping in to say this thread has become a thing of beauty.

Love watching the forum sprout and take root in a pathetic rage quit and bloom to such magnificence. EN World is a special place indeed.

Nice to hear from you.

I wondered if there was anyone else out there reading this stuff.

If you keep enjoying this buffoonery as much as I, then I'll keep trying to add to it.

 

[BoldItalic]

Hermione spoke with infinite patience. "Spiton," she began, indicating Rose and Thorn, who had followed them into the house and were now lying curled up asleep by the fireplace, "Please remember that there are children present."

"Yeah," added Throg, "Sleepy children. Sometimes they really gods in disguise. Can't be too careful."

Spiton looked crestfallen. Well, hairfallen anyway. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Okay, you guys get some sleep, I'll take first watch."

For the next few hours, Spiton amused himself counting snores and, in the case of the Thri-kreen, snoreclicks. Then, suddenly, something happened that made him doubt his own senses. A portly figure of an elderly gentleman in a red suit emerged from the fireplace, having climbed down the chimney carrying a large sack. He had a very big white beard and a red nose. "It can't be ..." thought Spiton, "Can it?"

Well, actually, it wasn't. Well, kind of. As Spiton watched, not daring to move, the old man scooped up the two sleeping children, popped them into his sack, gave a broad wink and disappeared back up the chimney.

The others were woken abruptly by Spiton sounding an alarm call on his trombone. And then things got really weird ...

 

[rgoodbb]

“Spiton. Your Trumpet!” Exclaimed Hermione

“You want him to do what. That’s rude! Say some more Hermione, say some more”

“You’re not a bard anymore” She pushed.

“Well actually I am. When we won at the oasis, the Chief Bard title transferred over to me”

“What about your Rogue class”

“Well I’m now a Brogue”

“Does that mean you have to spit on your trumpet now? *giggles*”

“Throg grow up”

“But I’m seven feet si…oh”

“Where are the kids?”

“Oh…the kids….right. They…uhm…left?”

“When? Why? Where?”

“Klik-klack-tik-tok” [Santa took those darling kids up the fire chute]

“Wait a minute. How do you know about San…wrong question, dummy. Did you just speak into my mind?”

“Klack-a-lack?” [No I spoke into your left knee]

“Was that sarcasm, am I hearing sarcasm here?”

“Shall we find a route up to the roof then?”

At the next landing they found a roaming suit of armour. It stopped, looked at them and spoke “I think. therefore I am.”

“This must be a riddle. We have to solve this to get passed this guardian. I’ll go first”

“I’m pink therefore I’m ham” She walked passed without incident.

“I sink, therefore I swam?” Spiton joined the Druid

“Oh right.. uhm I stink therefore I’m wam”

Last was the mantis warrior
“Kli-klink-tlare-claw-Kli-Klam” [Oh please darlings, just walk passed this fool. There really is no riddle here you idiots].............

 

[rgoodbb]

After an indeterminate amount of time, Because....Sun. The Party were invited to Castle Ravenloft to have dinner with the Count.

“I CHALLENGE YOU TO A………..…..jingle”

“Uhm what?”

“To, you know write up a jingle”

“A jingle. O…K……What for?” Asked the party Brogue

“Barovia of course. We just don’t get enough tourists, see, but a jingle could change that, see. I will pay of course and give you free tickets to wherever you want to go next, see. Wadaya think boys..and dames, see?”

“Honestly?”

“Just say yes, see. Explore the countryside, see. Make it sound just swell. Now off you go.”

A week later….


The Official Barovia Tourist Board Jingle:

CHORUS:
Barovia ist a magical place
It’s full of nymphs and candy cakes
Believe me when I tell you no lies
Its finest export is those fabulous pies

Now do try the wine, its thorny and woody
There’s Abby’s to visit, its cold pack a hoodie
Buy your own wolf skin, it’s safe and it’s soft
Spend a lush night at Castle Ravenloft

CHORUS
Barovia ist a magical place
It’s full of nymphs and candy cakes
Believe me when I tell you no lies
Its finest export is those fabulous pies

A themed little bedsit run by Rose and Thorn
Camp out with Vistani and rave until dawn
Van Richten's Tower where dragons do perch
An exciting shared basement, under Barovia’s church…..

CHORUS
Barovia ist a magical place
It’s full of nymphs and candy cakes
Believe me when I tell you no lies
Its finest export is those fab-u-lous pies

“OK. That’s it. Good enough?”

“Swell just swell. Are you staying for a bit, see, or am I magically whisking you to your next destination, see?”…………….