Spring Ceramic DM™: WINNER POSTED!
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
Judgment of Match 3-2: Mythago vs. Zhaneel.
Maldur:
Zhaneel wrote a delightful story about elementalists. I found one thing strange: culturally it is not done to guess/ask the other mages' "element," but their spells and outlook makes their element very easy to figure out. But the story was great. I especially liked the "form" of the spells, it gave familiar spell ideas in a new way. Very nicely done.
Mythago gave us a fairytale. Very nicely done. It reminded me of Neil Gaiman, the nice mix of modern and fantasy elements.
My vote for this round: It seems the fear of going up against Mythago was well founded (at least in my humble opinion), Mythago gets my vote. That story is so much stronger. Zhaneel spins some great tales, but Mythago just is better (once again imho)
----------
Arwink:
Zhaneel – It’s Elemental
The introduction to Zhaeneel’s story is interesting, but suffers from a few teething problems as it tries to get the characters and the world onto the page. At times the language is slightly clumsy, the dialogue slightly stilted, and the notion of magi having secret elements but separate entrances related to their element seems slightly inconsistent. These are niggling things to pick at, admittedly, but they clash with the sense of grandeur and importance that Zhaneel builds within the introduction to her story. Similarly, the action seems guided by the images rather than building the story around a conflict and fitting the images into it.
The overt conflict in the form of the rogue element works, but it is overcome far to easily to be truly satisfying. The subtext of emotional conflict in Carson doesn’t really get resolved, he remains as distant from Perri at the end as he does at the beginning, so the reader is left wondering where the story is really centered. The relationships between the characters works to the stories advantage, the interplay giving the story a little more depth than a basic team quest, but I was disappointed that it didn’t go anywhere as the story progressed.
Zhaneel’s world is very cool, and the core of this story is fairly strong, but it needs some shaping to really come to life. The various elements, in isolation, work fine – it just needs to incorporate the various parts into a seamless whole.
Mythago – Sighting
A very nice opening – simple and full of potential conflicts that let you know exactly where the story is going. From there is blossoms into a nice cross-cultural tale of fairies and magic, and I’ve always been a sucker for a good changeling story and children that are far smarter than adults. It’s possible that the merged culture that Chandra inhabits could have been played up a little more, but it gave the story a great sense of flavor eve as it is.
Where Mythago loses me a little is at the ending – the gun is logical from a real world perspective, but breaks the genre of the story fairly considerably. Up until this point Chandra has been quite content to play by the rules of the fairy game, and the gun is a little extreme (and aren’t bullets lead rather than iron?). While the twist could work if set up properly, I found myself wishing that it had been foreshadowed a little more strongly so I wasn’t twisted out of the stories world. The story has a strong feel to it, and the gun ruins it the very moment that the word is used.
Still, this is very cool and has a great sense of style.
Judgment
The round goes to Mythago. Both entrants had some interesting picture use for half the images, but tended to go for something a little mundane for the others, so in the end it simply came down to which story I enjoyed more.
----------
Piratecat:
I love the elemental foundation of Zhaneel's story. It provides her with a nice set of different personalities to develop the characters out from, contrasting "watery" personalities against "airy" and the like. I liked the main characters, and the story's world reminded me in part of a complex and evocative RPG setting.
That was actually a little frustrating because several of the wonderful little details that Zhaneel enumerates didn't end up mattering in the context of the story itself. That both strains suspension of disbelief and opens up plot holes. As an example, couldn't anyone find out who was what kind of a mage by what entrance they came in? Couldn't people guess that the guy with the polar bear familiar was a water mage? If the story's conclusion had hinged on this fact, that people didn't know what kind of mages they were, I'd be able to give it a pass. It's strongly emphasized at the beginning, though, and it doesn't end up being relevant. I have the same problem with the inclusion of the familiar; if the polar bear had saved the day, his development would have had a much larger payoff.
The same "rpg feel" dominated the ending, despite the impressive descriptions of the spells and the landscape. The villain is just a two-dimensional bad guy who exists so that our heroes can cast cool spells. The story would be stronger if there was more character development and more complexity in the fire mage's motives. The victory should be more difficult, as well; I was surprised by the ease with which it was accomplished.
Moreso than in previous entries, I think a problem is that Zhaneel is relying more on telling than showing. We're told about Perri and Carson's past as lovers and their closeness, but we're not really shown it. Same thing with the effect of the heat, or the usefulness of the familiar.
Photo use generally didn't have any surprises. Some were beautifully described, such as the fountain plaza, the fire mage or the beautiful envisioned image of the butterflies around the ball of flame. I was much less impressed by the use of "hold" - a total throwaway - and disappointed that the polar bear in "commune" ended up being only window dressing.
Overall I enjoyed this story, but I think that it will be stronger once edited to focus the narrative on the actual plot instead of the setting. It's got good characters and a fascinating set-up, but it needs some fine tuning to better integrate the images and give the villain more personality.
-- o --
When I was trying to write my final round of last Ceramic DM, one of the things I choked on was the voice of the ten year old boy who my original story was about. It's galling to see that Mythago managed to capture the voice of a young girl so nicely here. By twisting the original fairy tale into an urban setting, she manages to juxtapose old and new characters into an entrancing tale.
The beginning and middle of the story are very strong. I appreciated how we guess something important and heavy is in the backpack, but we're left wondering what until the end. I was caught off guard by the shooting -- and I certainly thought "Isn't she breaking her own rules because bullets aren't iron?" -- but I was willing to let it slip because it made such a fun ending to the story. The one thing I didn't care for was Chandra throwing away the gun. I'm really not sure why she did, and it seemed utterly out of character for her to have done so.
Photo use was exceptional. "Float" was decently used (despite not mentioning the butterflies.) "Commune" was a little ordinary but well used, and "heat" held no surprises -- although I award bonus points for using the phrase "widdershins" in regards to the image. The one that I really thought would throw Mythago was "hold." Previously she's had more problems nailing the art, as compared to the photos, and I anticipated the same approach here. I was wrong, as it was used in a very touching way. It was her use of "rapture" that caught me totally off guard. Having the fabric be blood, and the character flattened on his stomach, was a very innovative use of the image. Nicely done.
-- o --
My judgment is for Mythago. Her story hangs together more tightly than Zhaneel's in this case, and the convincing narrative voice of Chandra integrates the images in a very satisfying way.
----------------
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for Mythago, who will go on to face Macbeth in the final round. Pictures for that will be posted Wednesday.
Woot!
Maldur:
Zhaneel wrote a delightful story about elementalists. I found one thing strange: culturally it is not done to guess/ask the other mages' "element," but their spells and outlook makes their element very easy to figure out. But the story was great. I especially liked the "form" of the spells, it gave familiar spell ideas in a new way. Very nicely done.
Mythago gave us a fairytale. Very nicely done. It reminded me of Neil Gaiman, the nice mix of modern and fantasy elements.
My vote for this round: It seems the fear of going up against Mythago was well founded (at least in my humble opinion), Mythago gets my vote. That story is so much stronger. Zhaneel spins some great tales, but Mythago just is better (once again imho)
----------
Arwink:
Zhaneel – It’s Elemental
The introduction to Zhaeneel’s story is interesting, but suffers from a few teething problems as it tries to get the characters and the world onto the page. At times the language is slightly clumsy, the dialogue slightly stilted, and the notion of magi having secret elements but separate entrances related to their element seems slightly inconsistent. These are niggling things to pick at, admittedly, but they clash with the sense of grandeur and importance that Zhaneel builds within the introduction to her story. Similarly, the action seems guided by the images rather than building the story around a conflict and fitting the images into it.
The overt conflict in the form of the rogue element works, but it is overcome far to easily to be truly satisfying. The subtext of emotional conflict in Carson doesn’t really get resolved, he remains as distant from Perri at the end as he does at the beginning, so the reader is left wondering where the story is really centered. The relationships between the characters works to the stories advantage, the interplay giving the story a little more depth than a basic team quest, but I was disappointed that it didn’t go anywhere as the story progressed.
Zhaneel’s world is very cool, and the core of this story is fairly strong, but it needs some shaping to really come to life. The various elements, in isolation, work fine – it just needs to incorporate the various parts into a seamless whole.
Mythago – Sighting
A very nice opening – simple and full of potential conflicts that let you know exactly where the story is going. From there is blossoms into a nice cross-cultural tale of fairies and magic, and I’ve always been a sucker for a good changeling story and children that are far smarter than adults. It’s possible that the merged culture that Chandra inhabits could have been played up a little more, but it gave the story a great sense of flavor eve as it is.
Where Mythago loses me a little is at the ending – the gun is logical from a real world perspective, but breaks the genre of the story fairly considerably. Up until this point Chandra has been quite content to play by the rules of the fairy game, and the gun is a little extreme (and aren’t bullets lead rather than iron?). While the twist could work if set up properly, I found myself wishing that it had been foreshadowed a little more strongly so I wasn’t twisted out of the stories world. The story has a strong feel to it, and the gun ruins it the very moment that the word is used.
Still, this is very cool and has a great sense of style.
Judgment
The round goes to Mythago. Both entrants had some interesting picture use for half the images, but tended to go for something a little mundane for the others, so in the end it simply came down to which story I enjoyed more.
----------
Piratecat:
I love the elemental foundation of Zhaneel's story. It provides her with a nice set of different personalities to develop the characters out from, contrasting "watery" personalities against "airy" and the like. I liked the main characters, and the story's world reminded me in part of a complex and evocative RPG setting.
That was actually a little frustrating because several of the wonderful little details that Zhaneel enumerates didn't end up mattering in the context of the story itself. That both strains suspension of disbelief and opens up plot holes. As an example, couldn't anyone find out who was what kind of a mage by what entrance they came in? Couldn't people guess that the guy with the polar bear familiar was a water mage? If the story's conclusion had hinged on this fact, that people didn't know what kind of mages they were, I'd be able to give it a pass. It's strongly emphasized at the beginning, though, and it doesn't end up being relevant. I have the same problem with the inclusion of the familiar; if the polar bear had saved the day, his development would have had a much larger payoff.
The same "rpg feel" dominated the ending, despite the impressive descriptions of the spells and the landscape. The villain is just a two-dimensional bad guy who exists so that our heroes can cast cool spells. The story would be stronger if there was more character development and more complexity in the fire mage's motives. The victory should be more difficult, as well; I was surprised by the ease with which it was accomplished.
Moreso than in previous entries, I think a problem is that Zhaneel is relying more on telling than showing. We're told about Perri and Carson's past as lovers and their closeness, but we're not really shown it. Same thing with the effect of the heat, or the usefulness of the familiar.
Photo use generally didn't have any surprises. Some were beautifully described, such as the fountain plaza, the fire mage or the beautiful envisioned image of the butterflies around the ball of flame. I was much less impressed by the use of "hold" - a total throwaway - and disappointed that the polar bear in "commune" ended up being only window dressing.
Overall I enjoyed this story, but I think that it will be stronger once edited to focus the narrative on the actual plot instead of the setting. It's got good characters and a fascinating set-up, but it needs some fine tuning to better integrate the images and give the villain more personality.
-- o --
When I was trying to write my final round of last Ceramic DM, one of the things I choked on was the voice of the ten year old boy who my original story was about. It's galling to see that Mythago managed to capture the voice of a young girl so nicely here. By twisting the original fairy tale into an urban setting, she manages to juxtapose old and new characters into an entrancing tale.
The beginning and middle of the story are very strong. I appreciated how we guess something important and heavy is in the backpack, but we're left wondering what until the end. I was caught off guard by the shooting -- and I certainly thought "Isn't she breaking her own rules because bullets aren't iron?" -- but I was willing to let it slip because it made such a fun ending to the story. The one thing I didn't care for was Chandra throwing away the gun. I'm really not sure why she did, and it seemed utterly out of character for her to have done so.
Photo use was exceptional. "Float" was decently used (despite not mentioning the butterflies.) "Commune" was a little ordinary but well used, and "heat" held no surprises -- although I award bonus points for using the phrase "widdershins" in regards to the image. The one that I really thought would throw Mythago was "hold." Previously she's had more problems nailing the art, as compared to the photos, and I anticipated the same approach here. I was wrong, as it was used in a very touching way. It was her use of "rapture" that caught me totally off guard. Having the fabric be blood, and the character flattened on his stomach, was a very innovative use of the image. Nicely done.
-- o --
My judgment is for Mythago. Her story hangs together more tightly than Zhaneel's in this case, and the convincing narrative voice of Chandra integrates the images in a very satisfying way.
----------------
FINAL JUDGMENT: 3 out of 3 for Mythago, who will go on to face Macbeth in the final round. Pictures for that will be posted Wednesday.
Woot!
Last edited:
mythago
Hero
Oh my god. I honestly thought I was a goner. Congrats to Zhaneel, who I personally thought did a much better job than I with many of the pics.
(I'll spare the gunfondling stuff about bullet types and lead vs. steel posts and jackets and whatever, but at that point in the story I tried to figure what kind of iron or steel object Chandra would be throwing at a fairy--a hair clip? a safety pin? Then it dawned on me what the most dangerous steel object a ten-year-old city kid would think of is: a gun. Fairies have good magic, but I don't recall reading that they're immune to a point-blank chest hit.)
(I'll spare the gunfondling stuff about bullet types and lead vs. steel posts and jackets and whatever, but at that point in the story I tried to figure what kind of iron or steel object Chandra would be throwing at a fairy--a hair clip? a safety pin? Then it dawned on me what the most dangerous steel object a ten-year-old city kid would think of is: a gun. Fairies have good magic, but I don't recall reading that they're immune to a point-blank chest hit.)
Thank you guys for the wonderful feedback. You hit most of the things I know I have problems with.
1) Conflict. I have real trouble making good conflicts that are person versus person.
2) Noting about telling versus showing.
3) Working external elements well into a story.
4) Having the beginning not work with the ending.
Thank you very much, and congrats to Mythago. It was a thrill, a challenge and a great learning experience to a part of this. I'm not sure I will do so again, as the 72 hour deadline is just harsh. OTOH, I got three stories out of it, at least 2 of which I will work on refining and making better.
Zhaneel
1) Conflict. I have real trouble making good conflicts that are person versus person.
2) Noting about telling versus showing.
3) Working external elements well into a story.
4) Having the beginning not work with the ending.
Thank you very much, and congrats to Mythago. It was a thrill, a challenge and a great learning experience to a part of this. I'm not sure I will do so again, as the 72 hour deadline is just harsh. OTOH, I got three stories out of it, at least 2 of which I will work on refining and making better.
Zhaneel
orchid blossom
Explorer
Congrats Mythago! Only one more to go. This final should be very interesting indeed.
Last edited:
