Stupidest things PCs/DMs have done

[Lalalei2001]

A player is trying to infiltrate an organized crime gang.

They get suspicious and are holding his hand by the tires of an automobile.

NPC: So you aren't from around here?

Player: That's right.

NPC: OK then what zip code do you live in?

Player: 94570...3184457

NPC: (looking even more suspiciously at the player) That's a lot of numbers for a zip code.

Player: Umm... Yeah... I live a long way away.

 

[Patryn of Elvenshae]

That one would work just because of sheer awesomeness!

 

[chakken98]

recently in my game, one of the players ended losing all of his gear, magic items, etc...only a pair of shorts was what he had. Another player decided that he'd be nice and let him use his ring of wishes to wish for all his gear back....kinda played out like this...

lost gear player "thanks Geric"

Geric "no problem, we can't have you in the front lines with no items"

Lost gear player: I put the ring on and say "I wish for all my S#$% back"

Pausing a moment I look at him as well as everyone else in the group as I am kinda mean if the wish isn't worded good....

Me "you sure you want to say the wish like that?" I was giving him a chance....

Lost gear player "Hell yeah I say it like that, I wish for all my S@#$ back..."

other players ask him to think about it which still gets the same wish....They all look at me and just nod there heads.

Me: "So you put the ring on and say to the heavens I wish for all my S@#$ back.." I have to stop for a moment becasue I am already laughing inside..."You all see in the sky a whirlpool of clouds form." At this point the other PC's start moving away from the Fighter "the whirlpool starts to turn from white to blackish and begins to decend. Do you still stand there?"

"hell yeah, I want all my S@#$ back!!!!"

"Well your wish is granted as 26 years worth of S@#$ crashes upon you bare frame."

Now I am laughing my ass off, as well as the other players. He on the other hand was pretty P.O.'d about it....Good Times I tell ya

 

[Kae'Yoss]

recently in my game, one of the players ended losing all of his gear, magic items, etc...only a pair of shorts was what he had. Another player decided that he'd be nice and let him use his ring of wishes to wish for all his gear back....kinda played out like this...

lost gear player "thanks Geric"

Geric "no problem, we can't have you in the front lines with no items"

Lost gear player: I put the ring on and say "I wish for all my S#$% back"

Pausing a moment I look at him as well as everyone else in the group as I am kinda mean if the wish isn't worded good....

Me "you sure you want to say the wish like that?" I was giving him a chance....

Lost gear player "Hell yeah I say it like that, I wish for all my S@#$ back..."

other players ask him to think about it which still gets the same wish....They all look at me and just nod there heads.

Me: "So you put the ring on and say to the heavens I wish for all my S@#$ back.." I have to stop for a moment becasue I am already laughing inside..."You all see in the sky a whirlpool of clouds form." At this point the other PC's start moving away from the Fighter "the whirlpool starts to turn from white to blackish and begins to decend. Do you still stand there?"

"hell yeah, I want all my S@#$ back!!!!"

"Well your wish is granted as 26 years worth of S@#$ crashes upon you bare frame."

Now I am laughing my ass off, as well as the other players. He on the other hand was pretty P.O.'d about it....Good Times I tell ya

I heard that before, but with an elf. It wasn not 26 years worth of fertiliser, but easily ten times that much.

 

[otto_the_enchanter]

I once had a character who had various enhancements to his charisma. He was a 10th level human fighter with max ranks in bluff. The party was made of him, a human barbarian and a dwarven cleric.

The party traveled to a nearby mountain only to learn that a large group of everything-but-dwarf hating dwarves. They let the cleric in no problem. Then I rolled a bluff check, I was bluffing myself as a very tall dwarf. I rolled natural 20 and the dwarf rolled natural 1. I rolled a second and third bluff check. The second check was to pass me off as blind and the third was to pass the barbarian as my seeing eye human. I rolled two more 20's and the dwarf rolled two more 1's.

It was great.

I once Dmed an epic level campaign, which involved the characters being stranded in the middle of the 7th layer of hell. One character had a rod of wonder. In a battle with a bunch of salamanders the character activated the rod. Out shot a 600 ft cone of butterflies which caught fire on impact with the creatures. That butterfly set one next to it on fire, and that one set one on fire, and so on. Eventually we were left blinded and burning for 1d6 rounds.

Not so great.

 

[chakken98]

I heard that before, but with an elf. It wasn not 26 years worth of fertiliser, but easily ten times that much.

That a whole lots of fertiliser....yeah, this seems to happen alot. I heard of another player in a different group that had his gear lost via deck of many things, ended up with the wish card and made the same wish....but this guy was a drawf....

 

[The-Random-NPC]

A few months ago, my buddies and I decide to start a new campain. I just found out about the Ninja class, and my love of Monks and Rogues means I have to try it out. Because we didn't have much money, I decide to buy lots of tindertwigs and oil and combine them to be Poor Man's Alchmeist Fire, and to allow for easy access, I tie all of them to my front. 20 minutes into the campain we find a empty fountain with a dragonhead spout. There was an inscripton on the front, and being the only one able to read Draconic I translate. It says "Let there be fire." Some red glowing liquid flows out from the dragonhead and collects in the fountain. The fighter looks around, says "Theres no fire," and procceds to thrust a torch into the liquid. 1d6 points of damage later he appoligizes to me for setting off the trap. Then we remember that vials of oil only have 1 hp. He appoligized again to the pile of ashes as I went to roll up a new character.

 

[Lalalei2001]

This is a story from a long time ago, but which is still repeated in my gaming group. I was GM'ing a game of Rolemaster and the group were attempting to infiltrate a nomad encampment in the bottom of a gentle bowl, at night. While the group was doing this, the Illusionist (a 7 foot tall High Man) decided it would be a fantastic idea to create a stationary illusion of a powerful-looking warrior some way from the camp to hide behind.

The other players tried to talk him out of it, but he did it anyway. So the party now has an utterly useless illusion that is a hundred yards from the camp and can't be seen because it's a moonless night! Meanwhile, the rest of the party has stolen what they came for and are fleeing the pursuing nomads.

The Illusionist player, however, is determined to make use of his spell after all the crap he has received, so he decides to wait until the nomads arrive and try and scare them.

Well, suffice to say, the nomads turn up and stumble on a huge warrior threatening them in the night. So what do they do? They shoot him with arrows of course. Which pass straight through the illusionary warrior. Straight into the Illusionist crouching behind him.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

I have one from last week:

The party (9th-level gestalt, consisting of a Minotaur Fighter, a Succubus Paladin of Freedom, a Human Psion(Seer)/Cleric I think, and a Half-Dragon Barbarian.) is in Sigil right now, and they had to obtain some important information (in the form of a riddle) for someone who can get them out of the Cage again.

Only, they don't trust their employer (to be honest, that is justified), so the psion (who obtained the information) decides that he has to keep it a secret.

In order to keep the secret even in the face of magic, he decides to search for someone who can psionically modify his memory so instead of the piece of paper containing the riddle, he remembers being told a different riddle. He asks around for a reputable psion, and finds one, but since that one's a nomad, he doesn't have that particular power. He tells him about another psion who shold be able to do what he says, but says that he doesn't know whether he could trust him.

He decides to visit the guy, anyway. He agrees to do it (the psion opened the bargaining with 4000, which is a lot more than the telepath would have hoped for) and modifies his memory so that he doesn't know anything about the parchment any more - but only after telling his psi-crystal that he possesses a piece of paper with important information.


Now, the troubles start: He can't tell the others (who don't know about all that, they just knew he had the information, not what it was or what form it was delivered in) that he went to a psion to get his head messed with. Of course, the telepath, being good at what he does, did think of a "suitable" cover story.

So instead of remembering searching a telepath with memory-altering powers, he remembers combing Sigil's Grand Bazaar for some form of Passion Potion (like love potion, but for the more... practical applications of love) to woo that tavern wench he met back on the prime.

So he meets with the others, who of course want to know where he was and why he kept them waiting when they had to meet their employer. Being ashamed of himself for buying some disreputable elexirs, he makes something up about getting good wine to celebrate. The Minotaur of course seizes the bottle before anyone can say anything, and takes a swig (which, for a mino's mouth, is about half of the bottle), and doesn't quite make the resulting will saving throw.

So for the next couple of minutes, the rest of the party is in the unique position to watch the spectacle of a minotaur breathing heavily and leering at some farmer's cattle, barely able to keep his passions in check.

I was merciful and let him shake off the effects after a couple of minutes, making feel a bit woozy and having only a very hazy recollection of the last couple of minutes (Of course, that only means that the poor mino doesn't know why the rest of the party is grinning at him like that and making mooing noises).


And that's not all: Remember the psion telling his psycristal about the parchment? As you might know, every psicrystal is a personality fragment of its owner. This one had the single-minded personality, so of course it (played by me) would regularly inform the psion that he possesses a sheet of paper with important information on it, and everything the petstone said was followed by the same thing:

"Hey, you have piece of paper with important information on it."
"Why don't I remember that?"
"Dunno, but the information is very important. It's on a piece of paper."
"Where's that piece of paper?"
"Beats me, but it does contain important information."
"Where did I get that information from?"
"I don't know that, but it's on a piece of paper in your possession."

And so on.

This, of course, makes the psion question his memories. The fact that he went and bought some sort of date-rape potion, which just is not him, wasn't helping either. Finally, after thinking a bit more about said tavern wench, and remembering that the thing he liked most was her gleaming green skin, he broke the mind-modifying power that he had put on himself. He produced the original parchment in the knowledge that he just blew 4000 gold pieces (not counting the money for the Passion Potion) for nothing.

They decide to go with the new riddle (which really is an utterly ridiculous poem that doesn't contain any other clue) and return to their employer. After they recite the poem, he has a laugh, and tells them the real riddle verbatim - turns out that, while rummaging through the psion character's mind, that telepath found who the original riddle was meant for, and decided to look whether he could sell it to the characters' employer, seeing that his current mercs weren't going to give him the information, anyway.


It all went well for everyone involved: Their employer wasn't too upset about it and continued to let them run errants for them (which will get them to hell in a handbasked yet, but they were on that course before their stroke of genius), the party got to have some nice anecdotes about horny horned minotaurs and annoying pet stones, and some bastard telepath in sigil made a quick 6000 gil for what was great fun for him.

 

[Merkuri]

This, of course, makes the psion question his memories. The fact that he went and bought some sort of date-rape potion, which just is not him, wasn't helping either. Finally, after thinking a bit more about said tavern wench, and remembering that the thing he liked most was her gleaming green skin, he broke the mind-modifying power that he had put on himself. He produced the original parchment in the knowledge that he just blew 4000 gold pieces (not counting the money for the Passion Potion) for nothing.

Wow... just... wow... that is one dedicated roleplayer, because of course you can't modify the player's memory. Kudos to whoever that was.