Tell us a joke...

[Simplicity]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh, my god. You've got a steering wheel jammed into your crotch!"

To which the pirate replies, "YAR! It's driving me nuts!"

 

[Aurora]

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Oh, my god. You've got a steering wheel jammed into your crotch!"

To which the pirate replies, "YAR! It's driving me nuts!"

Wow, that one is really bad.....

 

[Aeson]

Wow, that one is really bad.....

..and not very original. I've heard it before.

 

[kenobi65]

..and not very original. I've heard it before.

Yo, peanut gallery...if ya don't like 'em, post something funnier.

 

[kenobi65]

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?

A: Only one- all of the rest are true stories.

I've heard this one attributed to Desmond Tutu; I have no idea if it truly came from him (I tend to doubt it did), but it's still funny. (And, I don't *think* this crosses the "no religion" line.)

Desmond Tutu and the Pope both died on the same day, and went to heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter met them at the pearly gates. "Welcome, Your Grace, Your Holiness. Let me show you around."

Peter takes the two of them to a fairly pedestrian-looking apartment building. He leads them up to the third floor, where he opens the door to a studio apartment. "Bishop Tutu, these will be your accomodations for eternity." Peter then opens the door across the hall, and indicates that the identical studio apartment there will be the pope's domicile.

Peter then leads them back downstairs and outside, where there is a bicycle rack. "Since heaven is a big place, you'll need transportation. Bishop, we give you this blue bicycle. Your Holiness, you may have this red bicycle."

The pope and the bishop look at each other, a little surprised, but they say nothing.

As Peter leads them on, they see, across the street from their apartment building, an enormous mansion on a hill. A limousine heads up the drive towards the mansion, and stops in front. A man gets out of the limousine, doted on by a staff of cherubim and seraphim as he heads into the mansion.

Bishop Tutu taps Peter on the shoulder. "Forgive me, St. Peter...but I was wondering. The Pope and I lived selfless lives....lives dedicated to the service of our Lord...and we have rather spartan accomodations here. What did that man do in his life, that he is rewarded so here?"

"Oh, him? He was a lawyer."

"A lawyer!? I am stunned! How does that allow him such accomodations??"

"Well, Bishop, it's all about supply and demand. The apartment building you're in? It's full of popes. We're up to our neck in popes. That man up there? He's our first lawyer."

 

[Aeson]

Yo, peanut gallery...if ya don't like 'em, post something funnier.

I'll pull out the old men in the balcony muppets in a minute.

 

[kenobi65]

I'll pull out the old men in the balcony muppets in a minute.

Now, see, Statler, that's funny!

 

[Aeson]

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.

7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.

 

[kenobi65]

A British man, a Scotsman, and an Irishman all sit down at a bar, and they each order a beer. Just as the bartender serves them, a fly lands in each man's beer.

The Brit looks disgusted, and pushes the glass away. "Pour me another one, please."

The Scotsman pulls the fly out of his beer, shrugs, tosses it over his shoulder, and takes a drink.

The Irishman pulls the fly out of his beer, and begins to pound on the fly's back. "Spit it out! Spit it all out!!"

(BTW, I'm Irish. )

 

[Aeson]

Twelve days Microsoft
On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: Windows 95 for my PC
Christmas Elf
On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 6th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 7th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 8th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 9th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 10th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 11th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me: 12 sound cards silent, 11 instructions faulty, 10 modes not supported, 9 apps a crashin', 8 Megs overflowin', 7 files missin', 6 ints conflictin', 5 eighty six, 4 sectors bad, 3 ports not responding, 2 GPFs, and Windows 95 for my PC!