D&D General That one player who cancels at the last day

[Umbran]

So I've decided to skip the week and postpone to next week, so he doesn't feel excluded. He however suggested we may also find another player so if someone cannot make it the others can still play: well, this line made me suspicious. What was he implying?
...

How should I approach this? Do I start searching for a 4th player as he himself suggested, or would that make him feel like I am replacing him?

People on the internet will not know what he meant. We cannot read his mind.

To first approximation, take people at their word - he suggested you find another player. If he isn't actually okay with that, that's his own darned fault. If he wasn't telling the truth, or was playing passive-aggressive games, he gets what that behavior earns you.

However, as others have said - when in doubt, ASK. Talk to each other like mature adults.

Note that as the world opens up, there's currently a shortage of workers - that means that a lot of people are changing jobs, and this is very true in the software world. The teams your player works with may have lost members, but still have to meet deadlines, and may just be too busy.

The flip side of this is that "for work reasons" is a solid go-to when the person doesn't want to tell you why. And, in a practical sense... that's okay. Giving a reason is nice, but not required.

 

[Oofta]

For every IT guy, there is a dumbass manager who does not tell them there is a problem until 5pm and then insists it is urgent and must be fix NOW NOW NOW.

Or someone in management/sales made a firm commitment that was never realistic and the DATE CANNOT BUDGE because they sent out an email on the subject even though sending out a follow-up email would be the only impact. Never mind that you had a dozen "little requests" that were added last minute that are anything but little.

Anyway, overtime happens in IT for a variety of reasons. Chat with them at some point and make sure it is really just work but earning a paycheck to pay for rent generally supersedes game night.

 

[billd91]

The flip side of this is that "for work reasons" is a solid go-to when the person doesn't want to tell you why. And, in a practical sense... that's okay. Giving a reason is nice, but not required.

I think, since it affects multiple people, it is fair to ask them for as much advance notice as they can give. Quick turnaround fixes may have little to none, but releases and deadline crunch times will be more predictable.

 

[jgsugden]

I've had the same table rules for decades to handle all of these issues:

1.) We talk as a group about attendance expectations before we begin the campaign. We all get on the same page. That page varies between campaigns, but we all understand the expectations.

2.) If someone does not live up to the expectations, I talk to them (if I am the DM) and ask them to problem solve with me. If the answer is that due to a change they can't live up to the expectations, we bring it back to the group and set new expectations. Sometimes that means a player leaves because their availability no longer fits the group, but other times we adapt to the new circumstances. The key here is transparency. Changing expectations can often be frustrating for one or more players. As such, this is usually a voting situation where we ask whether to adopt a new plan and a majority have to favor the new plan.

3.) If a player can't make it to a session, their PC will be run by another player or the DM. If there is a way to organically 'write them out' for a bit, we'll usually take it. Otherwise, we'll ask that the PC be run a bit conservatively to keep them safer, but that is not always possible. I've seen a few PC deaths when the player was away. That is a risk.

In the end, life sometimes runs us over. We adapt and keep the game going as best we can.

 

[Umbran]

I think, since it affects multiple people, it is fair to ask them for as much advance notice as they can give.

Sure, when you can. That is a reasonable request. I certainly prefer that when I run games.

I was saying that we, as GMs, should not push too hard on getting a reason for a cancellation - it can be personal, and that's okay.

 

[Ralif Redhammer]

I also work in IT, and oftentimes when there's a tight deadline or major issue, the demands on programmers can be absolutely horrendous. That being said, people that don't want to game anymore will oftentimes give excuses that are socially acceptable, rather than just say something like "this group isn't a fit for me." But two missed sessions, that's not enough to draw a firm conclusion from.

I'd say it wouldn't be a bad idea to having a fourth player, regardless of whether this player is "soft-quitting" or if they're just legitimately busy. That makes it more likely that you'll have a decent size group on any given day - the difference between three players and two players, I find, is when that special alchemy of gaming stops happening. I'd also recommend just running the session as scheduled, rather than waiting for when everyone can make it. Not playing D&D often just leads to more cancelled sessions, as it becomes harder to maintain momentum and stick to a schedule.

 

[payn]

I also work in IT, and oftentimes when there's a tight deadline or major issue, the demands on programmers can be absolutely horrendous. That being said, people that don't want to game anymore will oftentimes give excuses that are socially acceptable, rather than just say something like "this group isn't a fit for me." But two missed sessions, that's not enough to draw a firm conclusion from.

I'd say it wouldn't be a bad idea to having a fourth player, regardless of whether this player is "soft-quitting" or if they're just legitimately busy. That makes it more likely that you'll have a decent size group on any given day - the difference between three players and two players, I find, is when that special alchemy of gaming stops happening. I'd also recommend just running the session as scheduled, rather than waiting for when everyone can make it. Not playing D&D often just leads to more cancelled sessions, as it becomes harder to maintain momentum and stick to a schedule.

Right if the player is soft-quitting and you cant go two player now, you'll be going no sessions when that soft quit goes hard. Get another player now regardless of what is going on. Assuming, of course, you cant swing the game with 2 players.

 

[Krachek]

Even if you recruit a fourth player, problem remain the same, what to do when a player is missing? That may happen more often than you think. Can you imagine play with a missing player?

 

[Bill Zebub]

Is this person married? "For work reasons" can easily mean "It's my spouse, but I don't want you to resent him/her, nor do I want marital advice, tyvm."

 

[Deset Gled]

I do tend to overreact at times, so am I reading too much into the whole situation?

How should I approach this? Do I start searching for a 4th player as he himself suggested, or would that make him feel like I am replacing him?

One more thing to think about: I don't think this is a very big deal... yet. It sounds like this is a relatively established group and it's only the second time the guy has had issues. In my current group, we've all missed at least one session in the last few months.

By all means, talk to him about it. Deal with it before it becomes a problem. But also, don't make it a bigger problem than it is. If his attendance (as a percentage) is still good, there's nothing wrong with letting it slide for a little bit.