The "Favorite Simpsons Quotes" thread.

[Steve Jung]

Then there's the softball episode:

Sung to the music of "Talkin' Baseball."

Well, Mr. Burns had done it.
The power plant had won it.
With Roger Clemens clucking all the while.
Mike Scioscia's tragic illness made us smile.
While Wade Boggs lay unconscious on the barroom tile.

We're talkin'… Softball.
From Maine to San Diego.
Talking'… Softball.
Mattingly and Canseco.

Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw.
Steve Sax and his run-in with the law.
We're talkin' Homer… Ozzie, and the Straw.

Repeat second and third verses twice.

 

[Hypersmurf]

Then there's the softball episode...

Heh!

"Hey, you're Darryl Strawberry!"
"Yes."
"You play left field."
"Yes."
"I play left field too."
"So?"
"Are you better than me?"
"Well, I never met you, but... yes."

-Hyp.

 

[Dark Jezter]

Speaking of the softball episode...

Barney: ...And I say that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Lord Palmerston!
Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
Barney: Okay, you asked for it! *punches out Wade Boggs*
Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney. *scoffing* Pitt the Elder...
Barney: Lord Palmerston! *punches out Moe*

 

[Dirigible]

Hank Scorpio: You want some sugar? Here ya go. (empties handfuls of unbagged sugar from his pockets). Want some cream?
Homer: Ye.....no.

Hank Scorpio: Hey, Homer? If you could kill someone on the way out, that'd really help me.

 

[pezagent]

Oh man, some of these really make me laugh... my favorites already mentioned are definately the Planet of the Apes musical and "Pain? Why was I programmed to feel pain?" always crack me up...

Here are some great ones that always stick with me for some reason:

"No, let her speak, I'm trying to get fired." -- producer to engineer when Lisa gets on television to talk about "her brain."
-------
Belle: Do you realize you're wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
-------
"I call the big one 'Bitey'." -- Homer discussing a family of possums that live in the monorail.
-------
Jimmy: Mr. McClure? I have a crazy friend who says it's wrong to eat meat. Is he crazy?
Troy: No, just ignorant. You see, your crazy friend never heard of the food chain.
Film shows diagram of all animals with arrows directing them into a person's mouth.
-------
Mmm... 64 slices of American cheese. -- Homer sitting down to an all-night binge as Mr. Burns and Smithers try to get Bobo back.

Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese again?
Homer: (full) I think I'm blind...
-------
"Dental plan..." -- Lenny's echoing voice as Homer contemplates what to do with the union funds
-------
Burns: What country is that over there, it just screams capitalism.
Smithers: That's Cuba sir.

Burns: Okay, land the plane Smithers.
Smithers: Sir, you're flying the plane.
Burns: Excellent.
---------
"Godspeed, little doodle." -- Ned Flanders to the cheese doodle used as bait in the liferaft.
-------
"Buenos ding-dong-diddly-dias, senior." Flanders' cousin from Spain (or Mexico?).
-------
"Mmm... forbidden donut..."



/johnny

 

[Qlippoth]

(From the "King Homer" episode from one of the Halloween shows)

Otto: "Hey, who's this 'Homer' dude?"
Burns: "He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island Jaycees."

 

[TiQuinn]

I always liked the one where the soccer fight breaks out:

Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is
the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!

You’ll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Adiaga! Adiaga two! Badiaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Half back passes to center, back to wing, back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! HOLDS IT!!”

And of course, the entire John Waters episode...

 

[Villano]

Homer: Okay, before I show ya, who wants to guess how I got the money?
Bart: Dealing drugs?
Lisa: Drugs?
Marge: I'd have to say drugs, too.
Homer: Close, but you're way off.

Bart: Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of this day - the birth of Santa?

Grandpa: I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Grandpa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never fully understood why that is. Frankly, I can see an upside to it.

Apu: Ah! The searing kiss of hot lead, how I missed you! I mean, I think I'm dying.

Moe (on his boxing career): They called me 'Kid Gorgeous'. Later on, it was 'Kid Presentable'. Then 'Kid Gruesome'. And finally, 'Kid Moe'.

Professor Frink: Brace yourselves, gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is...Love?! Who's been screwing with this thing?

Professor Frink: Sorry I'm late! There was trouble at the lab with the running and the exploding and the crying. One of the monkeys stole the glasses off my head. Oh no! Wait! Please, no! Please, I have a funny story, if you listen. I even wrote the theme music! There, listen: *ahem!* "Hey! Hey! Professor Frink, Professor Frink/He'll make you laugh, He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the...person." Oh boy, that monkey is going to pay.

Principal Skinner: Order! Order! Do you want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

 

[Alzrius]

A Helicopter Pilot for Itchy & Scratch Land gives his passengers the introduction to the park as he flies them there. "Folks, welcome to Itchy & Scratchy Land, where nothing can possiblie go wrong. Er, possibly go wrong. Huh, something went wrong..."

 

[Psychotic Jim]

Some little girl complains to Moe about his family restaurant, and he responds: "Unky Moe, my sody is too cold, my teef hurt." "Aw, yer teef hurt? Well, that's too freakin' bad! And I'll tell ya what ya can do with yer freakin' sody!"

Ned Flanders' Kids: Oh, my freaking ears!
Ned (taking his family and leaving the restaurant): I would expect such language at a Denny's, but not from a place like this!

A good one from a Halloween episode IIRC:
(In the dark)
Homer: I didn't do it! I swear on this Bible!
Marge: That's not a Bible. It's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmm... Fuzzy.

Another Homer quote, upon hearing the word that means 3.14
Mmm... pi.