Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!

[Sammael99]

PC1 : I got it ! I tell Beardything that we want to go south.
GM : Treebeard asks why you’d go closer to Saruman ?
PC 2 : Saruwho ? Oh, that bastard wizard…
PC 1 : I don’t care, I bluff him into it. Yay ! A 19 ! That’s 22 total ! At last some good rolls !
GM : OK. The ent takes you south. Suddenly, Orthanc comes into view. The whole area around it is blasted and devoid of trees. Treebeard looks pissed off.
PC 2 : Hortank ? What was that again ?
GM : (looks annoyed…)
PC 1 : See, Treebird, the wizard guy is evil, he’s chopped down all these trees !
PC 2 : Well, don't we chop down trees for our winter chimney-fires in the shire ?
PC 1 : Shut up, dude !
GM : OK, now Treebeard really is fu**ing angry ! He calls in his deep voice. A lot of ents emerge from the trees.
PC 2 : Had they been spying on us or what ?
PC 1 : OK, let’s go and beat up some orcs ! Hey xps, here we come !
GM : (speaks in fake deep voice) No, no, my little friends, says Treebeard. You would die down there. Let the ents go to war !
PC 1 : No way, let us down !
PC 2 : Yeah ! I ready my +2 magic dagger I got from the Numenor tombs… Oooops… Forget that, the GM scrapped that part of the module…
GM : You read the module ?
PC 2 : No, no, just the flavour text at the back… Promise !
GM (grumbling) : OK, The ents charge into the circular stone area around the tower. Treebeard doesn’t let you down, and that’s all for the best, coz’ a few minutes later, water comes rushing in from a dam the ents have just broken higher in the valley.
PC 1 (bored) : How convenient…
GM : The orcs are drowned and an ent that they had set on fire is saved by the oncoming water. At the end of the day, the ents are victorious and there are orc bodies floating all around you.
PC 1 : OK, how much xp for the orcs ?
GM : Well, none, you didn’t do anything…
PC 2 : Well you didn’t let us do anything ! And anyway, we participated in the combat, we are entitled to some xps…
GM : No way…
PC 1 : OK, scrap that. The water must have made all kinds of loot come up to the surface, right ? Let’s go looting…
GM (looking at his module worryingly…) : Eeerrrrr… No, there’s nothing apparent…
PC 1 : Oh come on, there was loads of stuff in the book…
GM (suspicious) : You read the book ?
PC 1 : No, no, just the flavour text at the back… Promise !

 

[KidCthulhu]

Why hasn't someone sent this S**t to Peter Jackson? Youze guys is funny!

Orcolympics. giggle.

 

[emergent]

my humble submission

DM: The woman you met at Edoras gazes at you with longing and love. Her eyes speak . . .
PC1: Yeah, whatever. I want to kill some orcs. Where's the armory?
PC2: Didn't you say there are like 10,000 orcs? We are sooooo screwed. Just after I got my cool new magic bow, too. This always happens to me.
PC1: No way, man. We'll be fine. I took the Background feat and it says I am the lost king of something or other. I have to reclaim my throne or some crap. No way I am gonna die here!
PC2: Hey, cool! I was wrong to loose hope.

OR,
DM, sitting behind the screen making notes and talking to himself: "Let's see, there are three of the PC's, all almost epic level, plus 50 level 3-5 fighters, plus 500 level 0 warriors and commoners. That's the equivalent of, hmmm, a 27th level party, I guess. They are fighting 10,000 1st level orc fighters, plus some leader types, with siege weapons and explosives. I guess that is an encounter level of, let's see, 576!!!! Oh crap! This system is so broken! They can't all die here! I already bought the next module!
DM (to players): 1000 eleven bowmen show up to help you defend the fortress.

 

[Piratecat]

PC2: We follow the tracks into forest. What do we see?
GM: You go about a quarter-mile into the forest when (rolls) you hear some rustling behind you. Roll a Reflex save or be blinded by the power of the Ainar.
PC2: (rolls) I rolled a 1. What happens?
GM: You’re momentarily blinded by a pure, scintillating white light. As you recover, you can make out the form of Gandalf.
PC1: Sweet! Gandalf never gets killed. I glad he’s back!
GM: Gandalf tells you that he killed off the Balrog, was killed himself, but the gods of Middle Earth have brought him back to life to help you guys out.

From the extended-play DVD:

PC2: We follow the tracks into forest. What do we see?
GM: You go about a quarter-mile into the forest when (rolls) you hear some rustling behind you. What do you do?
PC2: I ready an action to draw my sword!
PC1: Dude, why don't you just draw it now?
PC2: I look cooler if I draw and attack all at once. I'll get a +2 circumstance bonus to hit - some cinematic rule from Dragon Magazine.
PC1: Sweet! I do that too, with my arrow!
DM: Okay, the dwarf's player isn't here, but he does it also.
PC2: What do we see?
DM: A wizard in white! Roll a Reflex save or be blinded by the power of the Ainar.
PC1: Anus?
DM: Shut up and roll.
PC2: Good one, dude. (rolls) I rolled a 1. What happens?
GM: You’re momentarily blinded by a pure, scintillating white light.
PC2: Screw that crap. My readied action goes off.
PC1: Yeah, mine, too!
DM: Oh, fine. You draw your sword, and the evil wizard heats it up too hot to hold.
PC1: What the hell?
DM: I rolled the save for you.
PC1: 'Cha, sure you did. Bastard.
PC2: Did my arrow hit him?
DM: No, he batted it out of the air with his staff. The dwarf's axe, too.
PC1: Holy crap! He must be a monk!
DM: Roll for initiative.
PC1: 11.
PC2: 15.
DM: Okay, want to attack?
PC2 (suspicious) No, I want to see who this guy is first. I'll wait.
DM: I told you, behind all that glare he looks like Saruman! Sounds like him, too!
PC2: We've never met Saruman before.
DM: Oh, yeah. Whatever. Like an evil white wizard, okay? So, do you attack?
PC2: No, I told you. I hold my action.
DM: Fine. Elf, you want to attack him, right? Roll to hit!
PC2: Don't do it, guy. He's trying to screw us. I can sense it.
PC1: What, like the Force?
PC2: Whatever. But he has that snotty little smile. See?
DM: (puts on blank face)
PC1: You're right, dude! Saruman or not, I'll wait.
DM: You sure?
PC1 and PC2: YES!
DM: Okay, FINE. It's not Saruman, it's Gandalf.
PC1: Sweet! Gandalf never gets killed. I glad he’s back!

...and back to the unedited movie.

 

[Eridanis]

I nominate this thread to be archived when we're done. Or maybe saved over at the d20 Middle Earth site.

I have to admit that I almost broke out laughing at the torchlighter. Since I don't know Olympic anthem I hummed the CHARIOTS OF FIRE theme under my breath.

"...some cinematic rule from Dragon Magazine." heh heh heh...

 

[Number47]

*DM furiously scribbling notes*

DM: Okay, Legolas, you hit Orc #228 for 17 points, he's down. You missed your next shot. Hit Orc #1,954 for a crit, 53 points. He's like, red mist, man. You hit Orc #5,867 for 4 points. He's still up. Ron, I mean Aragorn...
PC1: I'm called Strider!
DM: You said you wanted to be called by Aragorn, now.
PC1: I'm only called Aragorn when we're doing RP stuff. In combat I take on the persona of Strider to inspire terror in my enemies. Didn't you read my background?
DM: Okay, fine, Strider then. What do you do?
PC1: I shoot it!
DM: You had your sword out.
PC1: I did not! I totally had my bow out. I told you that I always have my bow ready for the start of combat.
DM: You said you were using your sword to help you keep all the archers in line. You wanted to be in charge of the archers.
PC1: Oh. Uh. I tell the archers to shoot, I guess.
DM: You wanna roll, or should I?
PC1: Uh. Let me roll.
DM: Okay, that's 500 elven archers with +7 to hit. Then 100 regulars with +4 to hit. Then 300 commoners with +0 to hit. The commoners have to arch over the wall, so they get -4, also. Oh, and the elves can rapid shoot for +5/+5 instead if you want.
PC1: Oh. Okay. Can I borrow some twenties?
...

 

[Zaruthustran]

Sometimes player rolls screw up the best DM plans.

DM: Okay, you're in the Golden Hall. Gandalf rides off to go get Eomer.
PC3: Looks like we'll be waiting here for awhile. I go and get drunk.
PC2: I go with the dwarf.
PC1: Me too.
DM: But.. uh... make an Intelligence check.
PC1: 6.
DM: Whatever. Look, you think it'd be a good idea to convince the King to lead his men in heroic battle.
PC 2&3: Railroader.
PC1: Okay, fine. I go and talk to Theoden to convince him to lead his men in heroic battle.
DM: Roll Diplomacy.
PC1: ...natural 1.
DM: Crap. He tells you to stuff it and decides to flee to Helm's Deep instead.
PC3: Fine. We stay here and drink his beer.
DM: He's taking the beer with him!
PC 2&3: Railroader!

(at the other game session)

DM: You're with Treebeard. He's called an Entmoot to decide if they're to go to war.
PC4: Okay.
PC5: I stand around and look bored.
DM: ... so, the Ents start talking. You know, about this important decision.
PC4: Okay.
PC5: I take a nap.
DM: ... well, fine, be that way. They decide to *not* go help.
PC4: Oh well. Guess we should go home.
DM: Don't you think you should say something? Like, maybe to convince the Ents to march into dramatic battle?
PC5: Fine, fine. I roll Diplomacy to convince him to attack the bad guys.
PC4: Sauron.
DM: Saruman!
PC5: Whatever. I roll... a 1.
DM: Crap.

(later)

DM: You're all at Helm's Deep. 10,000 orcs are on the way. The King is arrogant and the people are demoralized. Outnumbered, trapped, and lacking strong leadership, the people are without hope.
PC2: Well, we're screwed. I guess I'll guard the beer.
PC3: I go with the elf.
PC1: Me too.
DM: But... but... Bob.. don't you remember that email I sent you? About your background, and how you're a king, and all that?
PC1: Uh, dude, that was like 10 pages long. I didn't read it.
PC 3: Yeah, all your emails are too long. Who has time to read all that plot stuff?
DM: Look, Bob. Your character is a noble king. Don't you think that maybe you should say something to inspire the people to victory?
PC1: Fine, fine. Who's around me?
DM: Currently, you're just sitting on the steps in the rain with a scruffy boy who's been pressed into service. But in the Great Hall, the king and all his advisors--
PC1: I pick up the boy's sword. Is it a good weapon?
DM: What? Er, no. It's all notched and rusty.
PC1: I swing it around a bit and tell the kid it's a good sword.
DM: ... Make a bluff check.
PC1: Natural 20.
DM: Um. The kid believes you. You know that he'll now fearlessly charge into battle with his blunt, useless weapon.
PC1: I win!
DM (desperate): The daughter of the king comes up to you. She is dressed like a waif, but you can tell that's she's actually a high level fighter. You can also tell she's sweet on you, and the people look to her for courage. If you could convince her to take up the arms she's long ached to wield and lead her people, there's a good chance that the people could be inspired to make a stand and--
PC1: I'm sorry, were you talking? Dude, check it out! I've got all my dice spinning at once!
DM: Fine! A ton of elves led by Haldir show up to help out. Haldir says that they're sent from Lord Elrond in honor of the ancient alliance of Elves and Men.
PC2: Wait--I don't get it. Haldir is from Lothlorien, and Galadriel rules Lothlorien. Elrond rules Rivendell. Why would Haldir say that he was sent by *Elrond*?
PC1&3, DM: You actually read the campaign background?!
PC2: Well, I was bored at work...

(later)

DM: The orcs continue their attack. The sea of orcs crashes against the walls of Helm's Deep. The night sky is lit by flashes of lightning and the smoldering sputter of thousands of orc torches.
PC1: Yawn. What happens next?
DM: Everyone make spot checks.
PC1: 2!
PC2: 3!
PC3: 1!
DM: You're kidding. Hank, Legolas is an Elf ranger--how'd you get a 3?
PC2: I put all my skill ranks in Balance...
PC3: Dude, you suck.
DM: Uh.... well, you all see this anyway.. because.. his torch is... uh.. white phosphorous! Yeah! So, you all see this one orc come running toward the wall. You get the idea that it'd be a really good idea to stop him.
PC1: I tell Legolas to shoot him.
DM: You have a bow too, you know.
PC1: Yeah, but I'll just let "Legolas" here do his archer thing.
PC2: Thanks man. Okay, I shoot the orc with Rapid Shot. First shot... natural 20! And.. another one confirms the crit! Second shot.. NATURAL 20! And.. holy cow, another one confirms the second crit!
DM (finally the rolls go the way they should): You bravely shoot down the orc. And good thing too. You later learn that that guy was about to totally blow the wall wide open.
PC2: 6.
DM: What?
PC2: 6 damage. I rolled all 1's on the damage dice...
PC3: Uruk Hai orcs are 2HD. They have a *minimum* of 8 hit points...
PC1: We are so screwed.
PC2: Told you so.
(thanks to Olgar for below)
DM: Crap. The orc with the torch reaches the culvert. There is a huge explosion, and stones from the wall go everywhere. Make reflex saves.
PC1: a 6!
PC2: A 22!
PC3: an 8!
DM: Aragorn and Gimli are blown to the ground behind the wall, taking 2d6 points of falling damage. Legolas, you are still on your feet on top of the wall.
PC2: Are the stairs still up?
DM: Yes, the stairs are still standing. A horde of orcs is now pressing through the gap in the wall.
PC1: I jump to my feet, pick up my sword, and charge the orcs.
DM: That's two move-equivalents, so the charge will take place next round. Legolas?
PC2: I run down the stairs to engage the orcs.
DM: The stairs are steep. It will take you two rounds to run down them.
PC2: Wait, is there any equipment lying around?
DM: (scratches head) I guess there are some shields and spears lying around from the dead men-at-arms ...
PC2: Dude! I jump on a shield and SURF down the wall, firing my bow as a go!
PC3: Dude.
DM: No way.
PC2: But I took Mounted Combat, and haven't gotten to use it yet! Come on, at least let me make a balance check!
DM: (rolls eyes) OK, make a balance check (setting the DC at 30).
PC2: NATURAL 20! That's like, what, a 42 with modifiers!
DM: (shakes head), Ok, you successfully jump on the shield, and are surfing it down the stairs ...
PC2: I rapid shot the closest orc while I'm surfing!
PC3: (mumbles) Bloody twink elven archers!

(later)

DM: You've retreated into the inner keep of Helm's Deep. The orcs are outside. They're battering on the door. The room you're in is filled with heavy oak tables. Beyond this room are passages that lead deeper into the twisty passages of the mountain. The king is here, along with his men. Already, some of the men are piling furniture against the door.
PC1: I talk to the king.
DM: What about the door?
PC1: Screw the door. I say 'King, let's you and me ride out of here and kick some ass'
DM: What? There's an entire orc army out there!
PC1: Yeah, but it's getting late and the season finale of "Survivor" is coming on soon.
DM: But, but... Dan, make a Knowledge: Cavern check for Gimli.
PC3: 24.
DM: You figure you could hold out for weeks, maybe months in the caves. With guerilla tactics, you'd have a decent chance of winning out. And who knows? There may be unforeseen allies in the depths, or a secret way out to--
PC1: Yeah, whatever. I've been sick of this campaign ever since the one single magic item we've encountered, that Ring of Invisibility, got carried away. I roll a.. natural 20 on my Diplomacy check. Let's do this.
DM: But-
PC1: And we get on horses too.
DM: What horses?
PC1: There's gotta be horses somewhere, right? I thought you said these guys were total horse freaks.
DM: Fine, sure, there are a bunch of horses... in the Great Hall. Whatever.
PC1: Sweet. We mount up and ride out. Yee haw!
DM: Fine. You plow through a bunch of orcs, down the ramp, right into the midst of 10,000 bloodthirsty Uruk-Hai--
PC1: Cool. Time to watch Survivor. I hope that hot chick wins.
PC2: This Ranger was okay, but I think I'll make my next character a Cleric... they're better archers, after all.
PC3: I'm playing a barbarian. Dwarf movement rates suck.
DM: SUDDENLY GANDALF APPEARS! He charges down with Eomer's boys and scatters all the orcs. You win.
PC1: What?! He scatters *ALL*of them? All 10,000? Just like that?
DM: Yeah.
PC2: Didn't the orcs have pikes? Aren't Uruk Hai fearless?
DM: Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
PC3: But, wouldn't it take them a while to reach us? Aren't we totally surrounded?
DM: Doesn't matter. You're saved, got it? I've worked too long on this campaign to see you all screw it up. See you next week.

-z

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Meanwhile, approaching Mordor ...

DM: Frodo, make a Fort save.
PC1: 17. Why'd you give me this damn artifact? I have to make Fort saves all the time? I want a magic item with fewer drawbacks ...
DM: You fall into the marsh.
PC2: Fine, I pull him out. Why don't you give me the ring? I've got a better Fort save.
PC1: OK, I give Sam the ring.
DM: That means you lose the +2 Con, and the additional HP.
PC1: Fine, I keep the damn ring. Sam, you can't have it.
DM: You have to call it "my precious".

Later:

PC2: I do a Sense Motive on Gollum.
DM: Roll a d20.
PC2: 19.
DM: You're sure Gollum is leading you into a trap.
PC2: Frodo, Gollum is leading us into a trap.
DM: Sam, make an innuendo check first.
PC2: 1, crap.
PC1: What's that mean?
DM: It means you think Gollum is trustworthy.
PC2: I stab Gollum when he's not looking.
DM: That's an evil act ... I'll change your alignment if you do.
PC2: Fine, I try to get Gollum to betray himself.
DM: Roll a Bluff check.
PC2: But I don't have any ranks in Bluff!
PC1: Shouldn't have put all your skill points into Profession:Gardener.

 

[orbitalfreak]

DM: Roll a Bluff check.
PC2: But I don't have any ranks in Bluff!
PC1: Shouldn't have put all your skill points into Profession:Gardener.

ROFLMAO! Loving it!

Everyone, awesome stuff. Now I'm just waiting for someone to do the entire movie in one shot...

 

[billd91]

Damn! This stuff is wonderfully demented.