Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!

[Dagger75]

PC1: I put my ear to the ground, do I hear the orcs, and how many.

DM: About 40 or so, and they are heading south.

PC2: DM's pet, tracking by listeneing to the ground.

PC3: wooo you guys finally stopped can we rest my movement sucks and I have short legs.

PC2: Well Galadrial was handing out free stuff why didn't you ask for Boots of Springing and Striding? No give me a lock of your hair? What was up with that?

PC3: Well I thought about adding some role playing and maybe the DM would make me the lost king of dwarfs or something like that. Man you sure made out like a bandit with Let go my Lego.

PC2: Will you stop calling me that.

PC1: Lets go, I sniffed the air, our hobbit friends are on the back of 2 orcs in the middle of the group being carried.

PC3: Freaking twink.

PC1: Lets go my friends.

DM: Okay you run for a while, Don't worry about CON checks cause you are chasing after your friends.

PC3: Ohh man, Con is my Second highest stat, I even took endurance. Legolas has a 7 Con, he should be past out by now.

PC1: Hey Legolas can your Elf Eyes see them.

PC2: Let me See, Can I see them

DM: Sure can, they are turning west, if you push it you can probably catch them by dawn.

PC3: Hey can I do cool stuff like that.

DM: Umm no.

***Until the next time***



We at least are all doing different parts of the movie, we should have the whole movie done soon

 

[Mathew_Freeman]

ROFLMAO doesn't even cover it...

You guys are geniuses, this has to be archived...

 

[KenM]

PC1: Since i'm under the inflence of the ring, I roll back on top of Sam, draw my sword to his throat.

PC2: Can I try to help Him out of it by talking to him?

DM: Roll a D20

PC2: A natural 20!!!!

DM: ok, Frodo snaps out of it.

PC1: Crap, I would have gotten some decent XP for killing Sam.

 

[nopantsyet]

PC4 (Gollum): I catch a fish in the stream. I roll 17 to initiate the grapple.
DM: Okay. The rocks are slippery, make a balance check.
PC4: I roll a 4, plus 30 bonus for balance that's a 34.
DM: You fall face first into the water.
PC4: What?!? I...whatever. Now I'm closer to the fish--I should get a bonus.
DM: Yeah right. Fish makes opposed grapple check. It's 21. The fish gets away.
PC4: What?!? It's a fish--it's got a strength of like 2.
DM: Sorry. It got away.
PC4: Grrr...Okay. I move after him and try again. I roll a 15.
DM: Slippery rocks...roll for balance.
PC4: 12...that's 42. I definitely don't fall.
DM: You fall and slide 10 feet, but the fish has a movement of 10, so it's right in front of you.
PC4: Well, I rolled 15 for my grapple.
DM: Okay. Oh yeah. Fish gets 26...it gets away again.
PC4: Why can't I just eat the hobbits? They're supposed to be fat anyway.
DM: Sorry. This is third edition--hobbits are like humans who have been digitally shrunk.
PC4: Alright. Then I eat their stew.
DM: You don't like stew....Only raw meat.
PC4: So. I intimidate Sam to give me some stew.
DM: You can't. You're still scared of Sam from missing that first roll.
PC4: Screw this. I steal the ring and leave them to die in the mountains.
DM: Ok. Make a will save against your schizophrenic evil self.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 15. Roll again.
PC4: 15.
DM: 14. The evil alter ago leaves and only he can steal the ring.
PC4: Fine. Whatever? Where's the forbidden pool? I'll catch a fish there?
DM: But the penalty for swimming in the forbidden pool is death.
PC4: Good. This character sucks anyway.
DM: Okay. Faramir surrounds you with archers. Frodo--Make a diplomacy check with Faramir.
PC4: But he's got Charisma 18, like a zillion ranks in diplomacy, and the Leadership feat.
DM: So?!? [To PC1] Roll diplomacy.
PC1: Ok. But first I act all emotional and try to get Faramir to show pity with my empassioned speech. I roll a five.
DM: Faramir rolls a 1. He automatically fails. He is moved by your speech and tells the archers not to shoot Gollum.
PC4: But there's no critical failure for skills...He still gets all his bonuses! There's no way he wouldn't kill me! I'm a pathetic aberration!
DM: Sorry. House rule. Natural 1 is always failure. Besides, Frodo gets a circumstance bonus for good roleplaying.
PC4: This character sucks. When can I die?
DM: Not till the end of the third module.
PC1: Do I get XP for my roleplaying with Faramir?
DM: Sure. Faramir is level 17 and you're third level...Hmmm--that's not on the chart here. Oh well you get...20,000 XP.
PC1: Cool! That I'm seventh level now. Can I advance now so the Nazgul think twice about just killing me when they find me?
DM: Sure.
PC4: This sucks.

 

[Hatchling Dragon]

Oh lord, I don't know if I should be more impressed by the creativity shown here, or afraid at all the twisted humor being displayed.

I think I'll settle for doing both at the same time!

Great job, this definately deserves to be Archived, can't let the those that come later miss-out.

And I think it'd be great if, eventualy, the whole movie dialogue would be done-up in this style. Of course it'd take a week to read it, and I've no idea about who'd be insane enough to compile the whole mess, but it's a nice dream none the less

Hatchling Dragon

 

[Horacio]

It's only 8:45 a.m. here, and I'm afraid my ROFLOLs have awaken all my neighbours...

 

[mooby]

Thanks so much for these laughs!

You guys rock!

 

[Destil]

DM: A warg appears over the crest of the hill to your left, with an Uruk-Hai mounted atop it.
PC 3: Initiative time!
DM: Only Legolas can cat during this round, because Glimi and Aragorn are too far back and unaware. And it's a surprise round, so partial actions only. Initiative?
PC1: What's a warg?
DM: What's a warg?!?!
PC1: Yeah, what's a warg?
DM: Let me see that *grabs PC1's character sheet* Look, right here! You have a +2 favored enemy bonus against wargs, and now you're asking what's a warg?
PC1: Well, you haven’t let me use any of my favored enemy bonuses in forever. I don't even get my full bonus for Orcs against the Urk Hi. Friggin ranger, always up to the DM if I get my bonus. I mean, when's the last time I got to fight a *peers over to his sheet*any Naz-gools.
DM: Nazguls? The black riders?!?
PC1: Oh, yeah. Those guys. You didn't even let me use my bonus to damage against them with that torch because they're invisible and had concealment.
PC3: Well if someone hadn’t wasted all of our time for the Counsel of Rivendel session making out with Arwen maybe we would have gotten to the warg encounter before the Mines of Moria in the last module….
PC1: Hey, she was hot!
PC2: Whatever. Guy in combat over here? I act at 8.
DM: Okay, the warg descends from the hill and *rolls* throws Halma from his horse with a swipe of it's claw, he falls to the ground with...
PC2: Who?
DM: Halma, the captain of the king's guard.
PC3: *checking his notes* You never mentioned him before...
DM: Well he's dead now ok? Legloas, your initiative.
PC2:*rolls* Threat, hitting AC 36, and the confirmation roll hits AC 28. *DM nods* Dealing... 33 damage.
DM: The warg falls dead with an arrow through the throat. The rider is throw to the ground.
PC2: Alright! I loot the body.
DM: It's a warg! A big wolf, it doesn’t have anything. And the rider isn't dead yet. You hear the sounds of a pack approaching from ahead of you...
PC1: *looking up from a book* Warg isn't in the monster manual... and I can't find Nougat or Urk hi either...
PC3: Check under Worg.
DM: ... a company of warg riders fly forward, howling. Aragorn and Glimi roll for initiative now.
PC2: What about me?
DM: You’re still acting at 8.
PC2: But, it’s a new encounter, the last one ended, and I looted the warg.
DM: You never looted it.
PC2: Yes I did, you said it didn’t have anything. And I never get to use my sneak attack damage, those two levels of rogue are the most worthless levels you could have.
PC1: Try being a ranger. Worg? AC 14, so if I power attack for two points, and use a four point expertise, I’ll still hit on… wait, do I get my full favored enemy bonus against Worgs? The sheet says Warg… or is this like Urk Hi and Orcs, where I only get half?
DM: *Grabbing the Monster Manual* Give me that.
PC2: Ok, my initiative for this encounter is 24! That’s more like it.
DM: *sighs* Glimi? Aragorn?
PC1: 16.
PC3: -1. *grumbling*

 

[Piratecat]

PC1: I put my ear to the ground, do I hear the orcs, and how many.

DM: About 40 or so, and they are heading south.

PC2: DM's pet, tracking by listeneing to the ground.

LATER

DM: Roll a tracking check.
PC1: Crap! A natural 1. I have good bonuses, though...?
PC3: Ha! You suck, dude.
DM: He's right, you do suck. Now everyone roll a spot check.
PC1: 9
PC3: 2
PC2: 7
PC3: 7? What do you mean, 7? You're a freakin' twink elf!
PC2: Sorry, dude. Fighters get crappy skill points, and elf or not, it's still a cross-class skill.
DM: Wow. You guys couldn't notice an oliphaunt. Okay, roll listen checks.
PC2: Dude, if you want us to notice something, just tell us, okay?
DM: Fine. You don't have to roll listen checks after all. You hear a horse snort!
PC1: From where?
DM: From right over that hill.
PC1: Damn, dude! I hide. I rolled a 24.
PC3: Nice!
DM: Okay. A company of 100 men ride over the hill. They have another 1900 men on horses somewhere nearby, too.
PC1: You telling me that I can track 50 orcs who are 30 miles away by putting my ear to the ground, but I can't notice 2000 horses or 100 guys riding down on me?
DM: Well, it's not like you failed to notice 10,000 troops assembling outside of your tower, or anything stupid like that.
PC1: True. That's be really stupid.
PC2: Let's kill em all and take their stuff!
PC1: What? No!
PC3: No, the twink is right. I have no ranks in ride, but it'll suck less than this running heavily laden with a lousy movement rate thing. I say we take 'em.
PC1: I stand up and make a diplomacy check... 12.
DM. They surround you guys.
PC3: I deliberately fail my diplomacy, and act like a jerk. Betcha I can goad him into a fight! Oooh, I like his helmet.
DM: Yeah? He insults you.
PC2: Hey, he's some sort of royalty! I bet if you kill him, you get to be prince! I draw an arrow and ready an action to pierce his skull if he tries anything!
PC1: Shut UP, you dinks! We need this guy. Diplomacy check... DC 22.
PC2 and PC3: Awwwww.
DM: He tells you the king is no longer in his right mind.
PC3: Oh, okay then. We'll kill HIM and take HIS stuff!

 

[Piratecat]

PC1: No, turn around!
PC2: What are you, stupid?
DM: The tree says Hoom, hoom, that'll take you by Isengard 'n stuff, too dangerous, hoom.
PC2: You want an inhaler?
DM: No, it's not my asthma! It's the way trees talk.
PC2: Suuuuure.
PC1: Take us south.
DM: South?? Why would you want to go South? That leads to Isengard.
PC1: The closer we are to danger, the further we are from harm and that's the last thing they'll expect.
DM: Roll a bluff check.
PC1: 29.
DM: Crap. Okay. The tree says, hmmm, well I don't understand, but then again, you are very small. South it is. I've always liked going South, it's like going downhill.
PC1: Yeah, whatever. Giddyap.
PC2: Are you crazy? We'll get caught again.
PC1: Not this time. I gots me a plan!