Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!

[Dagger75]

DM: Okay Aragorn, you have been grabed by an orc, dragged 100 yards over the ground AND fell a 100 feet into the the rocky river below, yeah after recalculating the damage for the third time you are dead. Well that will a little damper on my game but I might be able to save it.

Pc1: (sniff) Excuse me guys gotta go to the bathroom.

PC2: Is he going to cry?

PC3: Haha, ranger got the shaft again, freaking twink ranger. Hey you got that elf babes necklace. I bet its magical.

PC2: I bet it is, all this elf stuff is magical except for the hair you took lamer.

DM: All the riders are going to Helm's Deep, you going to.

PC3: Man he did have some fat loot on him. Are you sure we don't have time to search for him?

DM: I am sure. You going or not.

PC2: I heard when he killed Gandalf, he came back with 2 more levels and better magic items. I bet he brings Aragron back to life.

PC3: He better not, Stridex is just some human ranger king wanna be. He is dead. I look down the cliff do I see his carcass?

DM: No, and I have a story reason for Gandalf, you guys going with the damn riders or not?!?!

PC2: Don't get snippy, we'll go.

...A few minutes later...

PC2: Where the hell is Aragorn at, he needs to make a new character. He could play one of these Rohan cats, they seem pretty cool.

PC3: Horse boy would have done real well in Moria.

..DM's Cell Phone rings..

DM: Hold on guys, Hello?

PC1 GF: Hey this is Liz. I heard you killed Dave's character. He called me, he is pretty upset. Is there anything you can do?

DM: Ummm... what?

PC1: Okay (sniff) I'm back. I guess I'll roll up a new character.

DM: My game is starting, I'll have Dave call you when we are done err K?

PC1 GF: Please he cried and all. Do something. Have him call me, bye.

DM: Errr. Aragorn, you have a strange vision of Arwen and find yourself awake on the shore being waken up by a horse.

PC1: Really I am not dead, wow.

DM: Yeah, you have 2 hit points though, better get back to Helms Deep.

PC1: Did you here that guys I didn't die.

PC2,3: (Groan)

 

[Wolf72]

Re: Re: Arms Law BABY!!!

Now THAT is a true Middle-Earth result!

You, sir, I like.

[goblin npc]: [34-40] critical fumble: You pull your bow string back too far and manage to get it behind your ear. The force of the release takes your ear off, hard of hearing now eh? You have a -10 to all listen checks until ear is properly healed. Luckily the force of release is enough to fly true to the target, un-luckily it bounces off what ever piece of armor the target is wearing. You get -50 to your next attack.

that's all I got

 

[Scribe Ineti]

GM: You're thrown to the ground of the cave, and your bonds are released. You hear the rush of the waterfall behind you, and several Men walk around, dropping off gear.

PC1: Where's that Smeagol punk?

GM: You don't see him here.

PC2: That's a good thing, otherwise I'd kick his butt.

GM: After a few minutes, another man approaches you and sits down. (GM gets up and opens the door to the other room) Dave, you can come in now.

Dave: (entering from other room) Already? Cool.

PC1: Hey, Dave. Rolled up a new character, I see.

Dave: Yeah.

PC2: I hope it's something better than that Gondor warrior that got wasted by all those arrows a few sessions back.

Dave: Honest, it's a much better character now.

GM: Why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself?

Dave: Yeah, okay. So, this tall man in a beard and cloak walks in, and he's got a noble look in his eyes and stuff, and he sits in front of you and says, "What are you two doing here?"

PC1: Like, you and your men dragged us here, duuuh.

Dave: Right, I mean, what brings you to this area, er...realm?

PC2: (consults notes) Uh, we left Rivendell with a bunch of other PCs and NPCs, got into fights, split up, and ended up here.

Dave: Were there any men in your party?

PC1: Yeah, two. Aragorn the twink ranger, and some loser named Boromir.

Dave: He wasn't a loser! It's not my fault I had bad dice karma that night!

PC2: Whatever.

Dave: So, like, what did you think of Boromir? Was he your friend?

PC2: (sees where this is going) Man, I'm not going to sit here and tell you how cool your character was. He's dead, get over it. Who cares, anyhow?

PC1: Wait, let me guess. Is this character Boromir's brother or something? Just like you to play another man, who's also a warrior. I bet he's from Gondor too. Damn, Dave, can't you be creative and branch out?

DM: Um, okay....

 

[incognito]

(can't believe no one rgabbed this already)

DM: You crouch down on a low hill overlooking the Gate to Mordor with easily a dozen guards looking out on the gate wall. There are 100's of warriors marching in line towards the gate. As you look on, you notice two HUGE Ogres Operating a...
PC1: Hey! I thought Ogres were large!
DM: What? Fine, whatever...Trolls then.
PC2: Trolls would turn into stone in the daylight, dude!
DM: (growls under breath...)...OK...hold on (flips rapidly through MM1)...Ok! You notice two Advanced huge ogres operating a mechanical device they are chained to, slowly opening the gate.
PC2: That's better!
PC1: OK! My plan is to sneak up behind the warriors and follow them through the open gate - no one will notice will all the 'confusion.'
PC2: What!? What part of "dozen guards looking out" did you fail to hear! It's broad daylight for the love of...
PC3: So, what am I again?! Some sort of halfling template? with longevety and an addiciton? Why do I get the crap PC?
DM: Maybe you should try paying me the $5 you owe me. But yes, you are the forefather of halfings, and you are addicted, like a heroin addiction, to the gold ring on Frodo's neck.
PC2: Whoa! You never told us he was a drug addict!
DM: Well he isn't really a drug addict - he failed his will save vs. a semi-sentient, highly cursed, ring.
PC2: Which is the reason we have so few other magic items - that stupid ring is putting us off the character wealth charts - man, if I just had a +2...
PC1: Yeah, whatever. How about my move silently check down that rocky slope?
PC3: Don't risk it - that ring is precious to me!
DM: Good roleplayng guys! Except you like to call it "My precious" - how many times do I have to tell you?
PC3: ...And you wonder why I don't give you the $5...
PC1: I've made up my mind, I'm going for it! (makes to roll dice)
PC2: I attempt to stop him, we'll be killed and have to start over at first level in that stupid Shire again!
DM: Uh-oh - make a balance check - that slope is pretty treacherous (smiles deviously)
PC1: modified 26
PC2: Dammit! modified 12...Wait a minute - how did you get a 26! We're 3rd level!
PC3: (looking through template notes furiously)...24, no wait...22...no, no...um...28!!
DM: Well - looks like one of you falls, I'm afraid...
PC3: (snickers)
PC2: I DO NOT like that old halfling forefather thing!
DM: Yes, well, you like this even less. You slide 25' down on the loose detrius landing with a puff of dust and a large whomp near the base of the hill.
PC1/PC3: Oh no!
DM: A guard or two turns from the rear of the column and cocks his head slightly heading your way...
PC2: Does he see me yet?
DM: Not quite yet - but only becsaue your stuck waist deep in the loose soil - denied you DEX bonus, I expect.
PC2: WHAT!?!
PC1: I jump down to get him, using tumble to ease my fall.
DM: 25 feet eh?
PC1: Well 10 feet less, due to my Jump Check of 30
PC2: 30! How are you getting such high...?
PC3: I cower and hiss on the top of the hill...and I'm going to go grab a beer while you two finish getting killed.
DM: Ok, fine - take 2d6 falling damage...thats...drat: 3 points.
PC1: Can I pull him up out of the hole?
DM: No.
PC2: Doesn't he get a STR check?
DM: Well he would, but the DC is higher that his modified roll could possibly be - he has an 8 STR.
PC1: Hey! I would've known that, right?
DM: Hey, I didn't force you to jump down - nor did I know that that's what you were going to try to do - I'm not ret-conning now!
PC2: I have escape artist! Can I wriggle free?
DM: You can try...Better hurry those guards are zeroing in one your struggling forms quickly!
PC2: (making strangling noises)...Gah! 9 modified...
PC1: Told you you should've gone Rouge, not fighter - they don't make halfling plate mail...
DM: The Guards...
PC1: Wait, I lay on top of him, and cover him with my cloak!
DM: What?! It's broad daylight, on the bottom of a smooth slope, leading into an open plane. What are you smoking?
PC1: Let's see, I'm small, with an elven cloak, and high DEX, and some ranks here...rolled a...20! I rolled a 20! Thats a modified 43!
DM: Harumph! And even with the -20 circumstance penalty I am giving to you two clowns, the warriors do not locate your scrawny little butts - looks like it's agood day to be a twinked out halfling! The Guards turn back and...
PC3 (returning with beer): Hey, can we drop this for now, and play in that game where we defend that fort-thingie - Helm's Cup or whatever!
DM: That's this same game you idiot! Fine, let's cut for now over to the Rohan fortress...

 

[Vocenoctum]

(from another thread)
::Strider:: "We must hurry, many Uruk Hai are coming!"
:M:: "Wait, how'd you know they were Uruk Hai, I never called them anything but orcs!"
::Strider:: "I didn't read the adventure, I swear. And besides, you never gave my hobbit that wraith encounter and that cost us XP!"

 

[incognito]

I go through ALL that trouble to put together a dialog, and now the thread quiets down...

Darnit!

 

[Number47]

DM: Elf, shoot your arrow
PC1: I shoot and kill a warg
DM: I have judged that Aragorn has become trapped in warg harness and is thrown over a cliff
PC2: What? Aragorn can't be dead? No, I'll die!
PC1: Get out of here, Steve. You're dead, you don't exist anymore.

 

[Bagpuss]

DM: Okay your on the walls of Helm's Deep, outside is an army of 10,000 Orcs, Uruk-hai and Cave-trolls. Inside there's you, 300 odd Rohan soliders, a rag-tag force of Rohan peasants and 1000 elven archers.
PC3: Is that 10,000 orcs, 10,000 Uruk-hai and 10,000 Cave-trolls? (gets his calculator out to start working out the XP)
DM: No, just 10,000 in total, beside you can't see them over the wall. The Uruk-hai have marched in front of the wall, at this point a nervous Rohan peasant fires his crossbow, his shot catches the Uruk-hai in the neck dropping him.
PC2: What! Hold on his light crossbow, drops him in one shot? Not only that they only have a range increment of 80ft. My longbows got better range than that, just how far from the wall are they?
DM: About 60ft or so.
PC2: and we just let them get this close? Back it up I've got at least 30 rounds of attacks, if they just marched to the wall. I could have been shooting them from 1000 ft away. What with Rapid Shot and my iterative attacks I could easily have killed more than 20 or so by now.
DM: Okay there a 9,980 orcs standing outside Helm's Deep, happy!
PC2: Fair enough, but I'm keeping a tally, I want the XP for them at the end.
PC3: Hmmm that seems like a good idea. How many could I have killed by now?
DM: Have you got any ranged weapons?
PC3: Erm.... a couple of throwing axes.
DM: Well, in that case they are not in range yet. So you are on zero.
PC3: (mutters) typical.
PC1: I won't bother shooting any early, I to busy commanding the troops, practicing for when I become King of Gondor.
PC3: Then perhaps "The Future King of Gondor" might want to command them to open fire then since the enemy have been in range for the at least the last 20 rounds?
PC1: Oh yeah.... "Fire!"
DM: And so the Battle for Helm's Deep begins.

 

[Mathew_Freeman]

I love this so much I'm bumping it.

 

[Polydamas]

DM: The King brings the blade down on the traitorous Wormtongue' s neck...
PC1: I grapple him to stop his swing!
DM: Ok....
PC2&3: WHAT????
PC3: Dude, you know if we let him live he's just going to give us more grief.
PC1: Exactly. And then who will get the XP for killing him?
PC2: We will!
PC3: Brilliant.