Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!

[Prince Atom]

DM: Okay, the Orcs have breached the walls and you have all withdrawn into the keep. The Orcs pound up the broad, shallow stairs and ready their wicked ram.

Legolas: Enough with the flavor text already. Can I shoot them?

DM: No, the doors are closed.

Legolas: There isn't even a window?

DM: Not in the door, no. Speaking of windows, the ones high on the side walls are now bright with rosy-fingered dawn.

Aragorn: Man, you need to stop reading so much Homer. All this poet-stuff is getting old.

DM: All right, okay. It's dawn.

Gimli: Yes? Are you trying to tell us something?

DM: Aragorn, don't you remember what Gandalf told you before he left to fetch Eomer?

Aragorn: Um... "Don't get too close to wargs?"

DM: No, dumdum, he told you to look for him on the morning of the fifth day.

Aragorn: So he's out there now, with Eomer?

DM: Yes, you think so. He's out there by himself --

Gimli: No he's not, he's got two thousand horseguys with him! I say we head into the mountains and get outta here! I've only got ten hit points left.

Legolas: Can I open the doors a crack and shoot the Orcs?

DM: No you can't. That's the point of the doors: they don't open. The ram is supposed to do that, and if you open the doors even a bit they'll force their way in.

Legolas: Okay, fine. How are the doors doing? Is there a hole in them yet?

DM: No there isn't. There are a few Rohirrim trying to barricade the door with chairs and tables and things. So you couldn't shoot anything without hitting them, anyway.

Legolas: But I have Superior Precise Shot! I know, maybe I can shoot a hole in the door with my arrows! Okay, I shoot the door.

DM: Uhhh... Okay, one of the old men looks at you funny and says, "What are you doing? Grab a table or something and shove it against the door!"

Legolas: Crap! They won't let me do this? What about my Elf homeys? They won't let some stupid horse-farmer talk to a brother like that!

DM: They wouldn't... if they were here.

All PCs: What!?!! Where'd they all go?

DM: Umm... into the cave.

Gimli: Screw this! Let's get outta here!



TWK

 

[The Vorpal Tribble]

ack, sorry, just realized this was a Two Towers thread. Oh well

PC1 (Bilbo): Ok, I say goodbye to everyone around and quickly put on my ring.
DM: Ermmm, right in front of everyone to see?
PC1: Sure, why not?
DM: Alright... you slip it on behind your back and go invisible. Everyone gasps.
PC2 (Gandalf): Hey, how did he do that?!? He didn't choose a wizard alignment!!!
PC1: I run invisible to the house
DM: Did you read the background info I gave you for Bilbo?
PC2: Dude, I couldn't even finish MINE!
PC2: Alright, I cast Transportation to his house so I can look mysterious and stuff.
PC1: YO, DM! I SAID I run invisible to the house
DM: Alright, you run invisible to the house.
PC1: I take off the ring and flip it in the air and put it in my pocket.
DM: You do so and notice Gandalf is behind you.
PC1: Whoa, I didn't want anyone to know where I went! I hate all these stupid wizards.
PC2: He has a magic RING? DUDE! I want it! I try to talk him out of it.
DM: Roll a persuasion skill.
PC2: Crap, lost one of my dies, you do it.
DM: *sighs* Alright... A fail, he sees right through your deception.
PC1: He's trying to take the ring isn't he!!! He's got that staff and everything and he still wants my ring!!
PC1: I get angry and call him on it!
PC2: Man, I REALLY want that ring. I cast Make Room Dark and Enlarge so he'll see he has to give it to me or die!
DM: Your alignment is chaotic good, you can't do that.
PC1: He's going to kill me isn't he!? I use the ring to blast him out of the house!
PC2: fine, whatever, I shrink back down and make the lights come on.
DM: No, see, Gandalf stopped.
PC1: Awwww. Alright, I act all pitiful and hug him so he won't be suspicious.
DM: Roll charisma.
PC1: haha! 76
DM: Cute, aincha? He takes you in his arms and pats your head.
PC2: This is like way freaky, man.
PC2: Alright, I try to talk him into leaving it for, uh, Frodo. He'll believe that!
DM: Roll again... oh, still missing those dice?
PC2: Yeah...
DM: Huh, ok, well, you manage to talk him into it, barely.
PC1: WHAT?! Whatta load of ****! I'm outta here!
PC2: Haha, I follow him out and hug him again just to rub it in.
PC2: I come back in and take the ring.
DM: You reach for it but suddenly you feel a blast of heat which nearly burns your hand and your mind is filled with visions of flame.
PC2: Ah, c'mon!
DM: Uh uh, you made a promise.
PC1: Whatever, I'm going to get a smoke and wait for Frodo.

 

[Balrog]

OMG, these are killing me!!!

I cannot take anymore. I am laughing so hard my side is aching......

by the way, this definitely needs to be archived so it can be enjoyed for years to come.

 

[Sixchan]

DM: Elf, shoot your arrow
PC1: I shoot and kill a warg
DM: I have judged that Aragorn has become trapped in warg harness and is thrown over a cliff
PC2: What? Aragorn can't be dead? No, I'll die!
PC1: Get out of here, Steve. You're dead, you don't exist anymore.

LOL! Hey, we should do the entire tract...

 

[Horacio]

LOL! Hey, we should do the entire tract...

hmmm, good idea

 

[Eridanis]

I'm thining of cut-n-pasting everyone's scenes into chronological order once things peter out... that'll be quite a "story hour" to upload.

 

[hess42]

You people are all sick. And I don't know that I've EVER laughed this hard!

 

[Dark Jezter]

This is probably the funniest thread I've ever seeen on ENWorld. I've been LMAO for the last hour reading this stuff. It should DEFINATELY be archived.

Now, if I may make a contribution.

DM: Legolas, the orcs have been routed and Helm's Deep remains standing. On the battlefield, you see Gimli sitting on the carcass of a dead orc and smoking a pipe.
PC1 (Legolas): How many orcs did you kill during the siege?
PC2 (Gimli): Fourty-two.
PC1: You beat me by ONE kill?! How the hell did you manage to do that?
PC2: Great Cleave and Whirlwind Attack, my friend. Boy, I'll tell you, few things in life are more enjoyable than out-killing a twink elf archer.

 

[Eridanis]

Today's FoxTrot comic strip is right in the spirit of this thread. I'll post a link here tommorrow when it's available online.

Jason: I look to the North.

Marcus: You see 10,000 orcs charging your fortress, prepared for battle.

Jason: My elf fires an arrow of +205 Devastation.

Marcus: Hit! The orc army is destroyed!

Jason (aside): Clearly, Tolkien never played D&D.

Marcus: Now you see 10,000 balrogs charging your fortress...

 

[Fenris]

TTT by the book, if not the movie (my humble submission)

PC9: Well as least I died with my boots on.
DM: Yes, the others come back to find orc carcasses piled up around you.
PC1: Dude, you let the orcs get the halflings?
PC9: Well, you're the ones that left me alone to face 100 Epic level Uruk-hai!
PC2: Whatever can I have his horn? Wasn't it a Horn of Blasting or something?
DM: No, it was cloven in the battle.
PC3: What about his sword, it was cool?
DM: Uh, broken at the hilt.
PC1: This sucks. Hey where is the rest of the guys.
DM: They left hours ago.
PC2: Cool, now they won't slow us down.
PC 3: Sure they won't Dwarf.

Later....
PC9: Ok, I rolled up my new character and I used that LONG backstory you gave me. He kind of suck though. What is he a troll halfling?
DM: He will be great to roll play trust me...


Later:

PC9: WTF!!! First you let Gandalf come back and then you let that twink ranger cheat death. Why couldn't I keep my character! I earned major XPs killing those orcs!
DM: Uh, because, because it created dramatic tension and, and furthered the plot, and and showed how dangerous your quest was.
PC1: 'Cause you failed your WILL save dufus, and tried to take the stupid ring from the stupid thief.
PC9: Wahtever, I try and kill the two halflings I am with.....