Two Towers (spoilers and fun stuff): LotR as a bad D&D game!
- Thread starter Piratecat
- Start date
Olgar Shiverstone
Legend
During the battle at Helm's Deep ...
DM: So the orc lines part and this one orc carrying a torch comes running up toward the culvert in the wall, taking a double move. Aragorn, your go.
PC1: How far away from the culvert is he?
DM: (moves mini) Forty feet. He'll be there next round.
PC1: OK, I still have my sword, so I shout "Shoot him" as a free action, then move down the wall thirty feet.
DM: Legolas.
PC2: I rapid shot the orc. (rolls) A 16, and a 20!
DM: Two arrows strike him, and he twists in pain, but keeps running. Gimli?
PC3: OK, I swing my axe at another orc ... a 2, drat!
DM: The orc with the torch reaches the culvert. There is a huge explosion, and stones from the wall go everywhere. Make reflex saves.
PC1: a 6!
PC2: A 22!
PC3: an 8!
DM: Aragorn and Gimli are blown to the ground behind the wall, taking 2d6 points of falling damage. Legolas, you are still on your feet on top of the wall.
PC2: Are the stairs still up?
DM: Yes, the stairs are still standing. A horde of orcs is now pressing through the gap in the wall.
PC1: I jump to my feet, pick up my sword, and charge the orcs.
DM: That's two move-equivalents, so the charge will take place next round. Legolas?
PC2: I run down the stairs to engage the orcs.
DM: The stairs are steep. It will take you two rounds to run down them.
PC2: Wait, is there any equipment lying around?
DM: (scratches head) I guess there are some shields and spears lying around from the dead men-at-arms ...
PC2: Dude! I jump on a shield and SURF down the wall, firing my bow as a go!
PC3: Dude.
DM: No way.
PC2: But I took Mounted Combat, and haven't gotten to use it yet! Come on, at least let me make a balance check!
DM: (rolls eyes) OK, make a balance check (setting the DC at 30).
PC2: NATURAL 20! That's like, what, a 42 with modifiers!
DM: (shakes head), Ok, you successfully jump on the shield, and are surfing it down the stairs ...
PC2: I rapid shot the closest orc while I'm surfing!
PC3: (mumbles) Bloody twink elven archers!
DM: So the orc lines part and this one orc carrying a torch comes running up toward the culvert in the wall, taking a double move. Aragorn, your go.
PC1: How far away from the culvert is he?
DM: (moves mini) Forty feet. He'll be there next round.
PC1: OK, I still have my sword, so I shout "Shoot him" as a free action, then move down the wall thirty feet.
DM: Legolas.
PC2: I rapid shot the orc. (rolls) A 16, and a 20!
DM: Two arrows strike him, and he twists in pain, but keeps running. Gimli?
PC3: OK, I swing my axe at another orc ... a 2, drat!
DM: The orc with the torch reaches the culvert. There is a huge explosion, and stones from the wall go everywhere. Make reflex saves.
PC1: a 6!
PC2: A 22!
PC3: an 8!
DM: Aragorn and Gimli are blown to the ground behind the wall, taking 2d6 points of falling damage. Legolas, you are still on your feet on top of the wall.
PC2: Are the stairs still up?
DM: Yes, the stairs are still standing. A horde of orcs is now pressing through the gap in the wall.
PC1: I jump to my feet, pick up my sword, and charge the orcs.
DM: That's two move-equivalents, so the charge will take place next round. Legolas?
PC2: I run down the stairs to engage the orcs.
DM: The stairs are steep. It will take you two rounds to run down them.
PC2: Wait, is there any equipment lying around?
DM: (scratches head) I guess there are some shields and spears lying around from the dead men-at-arms ...
PC2: Dude! I jump on a shield and SURF down the wall, firing my bow as a go!
PC3: Dude.
DM: No way.
PC2: But I took Mounted Combat, and haven't gotten to use it yet! Come on, at least let me make a balance check!
DM: (rolls eyes) OK, make a balance check (setting the DC at 30).
PC2: NATURAL 20! That's like, what, a 42 with modifiers!
DM: (shakes head), Ok, you successfully jump on the shield, and are surfing it down the stairs ...
PC2: I rapid shot the closest orc while I'm surfing!
PC3: (mumbles) Bloody twink elven archers!
Rugger
Explorer
Kestrel said:Hehe...I wonder what was going through Eowyn's mind when she sees Legolas give Aragorn his necklace back?
"No wonder he doesn't like me, all this time I thought he was in love with a WOMAN!"
Okay...these are all seriously funny...But Kestrel, you made me cry.
God bless.
-Rugger
"I lurk!"
coyote6
Adventurer
A slightly alternative version.
PC1: Okay, I cast a Stilled Silent mage hand to bring it to me, and grab it.
PC: A whated whated what? No frikkin' wonder you didn't have any damned knock spells prepared!
DM (cont.): ... below you, twisting in mid-air, wings slowing his fall.
PC1: HAH! I knew he'd be coming back. Now I got 'im right where I want him.
PC2: Dude, you're crazy, you can't fight a balrog all by yourself!
PC1: I got it covered. My dice are hot tonight, unlike Mr. Critically Fail Every Damned Stealth Roll over there.
PC3 (playing a certain hobbit): Hey!
PC1: Anyways, the balrog is toast. And the XP will be all mine! (rolls dice) Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Natural 20 to start the grapple!
PC3: <mumbling> Frik-dang-blasted high level wizards. "No, you start at 1st level." What a crock . . .
Piratecat said:
PC1: Okay, I cast a Stilled Silent mage hand to bring it to me, and grab it.
PC: A whated whated what? No frikkin' wonder you didn't have any damned knock spells prepared!
Piratecat said:
DM (cont.): ... below you, twisting in mid-air, wings slowing his fall.
PC1: HAH! I knew he'd be coming back. Now I got 'im right where I want him.
PC2: Dude, you're crazy, you can't fight a balrog all by yourself!
PC1: I got it covered. My dice are hot tonight, unlike Mr. Critically Fail Every Damned Stealth Roll over there.
PC3 (playing a certain hobbit): Hey!
PC1: Anyways, the balrog is toast. And the XP will be all mine! (rolls dice) Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Natural 20 to start the grapple!
PC3: <mumbling> Frik-dang-blasted high level wizards. "No, you start at 1st level." What a crock . . .
Last edited:
Croaker
First Post
DM: An army of ten thousand orcs blankets the slopes of Helm's Deep, their hundreds of torches shedding a fell l--
PC2: Yadda yadda yadda...enough flavor text. Let's get to the hacking!
PC3: What? There's orcs? I can't see!
>several rounds of arrow storms later...<
DM: A big, mostly naked orc with a sparkly torch is running towards the wall.
PC1: Uh-oh! An NPC with a description! Shoot him!
PC3: Weren't there like, 2,000 orcs with torches? What's so special about this one?
PC2: I blast him! Twang twang twang!!! (rolls) Hah! A threat! (rolls again) Crit! Take that, running man! 51 points!
PC3: I mean, what's so special about this one? Is he gonna start the Orcolympics?
DM: (panicking) Umm, he staggers slightly, but keeps running.
PC1: Doesn't he have to make a save against death from massive damage?
PC2: Don't worry, what with Rapid Shot and my Twangmaster Orcslaying Longbow of Speed +12, I have, like, 3 more shots. (rolls, and rolls some more) Hot dang! Two more crits!! You're going down, orc-boy! 54 and 61, that's 115 points!
PC3: I mean, what's so special about this one torch? How sparkly is it? And come to think of it, didn't you say it was raining? How are all these torches still burning?
PC1: Shut up, dwarf! It's vital that we stop this one, because this is the one the DM described! Don't forget, that two more saves against massive damage.
DM: (flustered and angry) Well, he makes all three saves, and despite having three arrows buried to the feathers in neck, he's setting a new record for the 100 yard dash!
PC3: I'm just saying that if all the orcs with torches showed up, we couldn't stop them all, even if we were all munchkin bow-fairies...
PC2: Hah, your just jealous because I have like, 20 times the EPs than you, stumpy! What do think about twinkie archers now, melee-boy!
PC3: Hey, that's only because you made that dire wolf fall on top of me last time! I was robbed!
DM: With an earth-shattering roar, the wall EXPLODES, sending huge chunks of rock out into the orcish army!
PC3: All right! Great Cleave, don't fail me now!
PC2: Yadda yadda yadda...enough flavor text. Let's get to the hacking!
PC3: What? There's orcs? I can't see!
>several rounds of arrow storms later...<
DM: A big, mostly naked orc with a sparkly torch is running towards the wall.
PC1: Uh-oh! An NPC with a description! Shoot him!
PC3: Weren't there like, 2,000 orcs with torches? What's so special about this one?
PC2: I blast him! Twang twang twang!!! (rolls) Hah! A threat! (rolls again) Crit! Take that, running man! 51 points!
PC3: I mean, what's so special about this one? Is he gonna start the Orcolympics?
DM: (panicking) Umm, he staggers slightly, but keeps running.
PC1: Doesn't he have to make a save against death from massive damage?
PC2: Don't worry, what with Rapid Shot and my Twangmaster Orcslaying Longbow of Speed +12, I have, like, 3 more shots. (rolls, and rolls some more) Hot dang! Two more crits!! You're going down, orc-boy! 54 and 61, that's 115 points!
PC3: I mean, what's so special about this one torch? How sparkly is it? And come to think of it, didn't you say it was raining? How are all these torches still burning?
PC1: Shut up, dwarf! It's vital that we stop this one, because this is the one the DM described! Don't forget, that two more saves against massive damage.
DM: (flustered and angry) Well, he makes all three saves, and despite having three arrows buried to the feathers in neck, he's setting a new record for the 100 yard dash!
PC3: I'm just saying that if all the orcs with torches showed up, we couldn't stop them all, even if we were all munchkin bow-fairies...
PC2: Hah, your just jealous because I have like, 20 times the EPs than you, stumpy! What do think about twinkie archers now, melee-boy!
PC3: Hey, that's only because you made that dire wolf fall on top of me last time! I was robbed!
DM: With an earth-shattering roar, the wall EXPLODES, sending huge chunks of rock out into the orcish army!
PC3: All right! Great Cleave, don't fail me now!
Dagger75
Epic Commoner
DM: Since you 2 can only play on Tuesday I split you up from the rest of the party.
PC1 (whispering to DM) Man why did you let him play a stupid gardner. I need a fighter or something to help me.
PC2: Hey I heard that, I will take fighter soon, it doen't fit my character concept.
PC1: But did you have to take skill focus cooking, jeez.
DM: Okay back to the game... I have an NPC thats going to follow you around and lead you to Mordor. His name is Gollum. I got this cool voice and all.
PC1: Why can't we just get a few of those giant eagles and fly to your stupid Volcano. You let Gandalf have a freakin eagle when he was captured.
DM: I said no!!
PC2: Yeah those elves in Riverdale or something like that where pretty eager to help us. I bet we can get some pretty twinked elves to come with us to.
PC1: Now your talking, lets go back to Rivendell (idiot) and see if that Agent Elrond will do that.
DM: Ummmmm.. you can't. Roll Initiative, Gollum is attacking you.
PC1 (whispering to DM) Man why did you let him play a stupid gardner. I need a fighter or something to help me.
PC2: Hey I heard that, I will take fighter soon, it doen't fit my character concept.
PC1: But did you have to take skill focus cooking, jeez.
DM: Okay back to the game... I have an NPC thats going to follow you around and lead you to Mordor. His name is Gollum. I got this cool voice and all.
PC1: Why can't we just get a few of those giant eagles and fly to your stupid Volcano. You let Gandalf have a freakin eagle when he was captured.
DM: I said no!!
PC2: Yeah those elves in Riverdale or something like that where pretty eager to help us. I bet we can get some pretty twinked elves to come with us to.
PC1: Now your talking, lets go back to Rivendell (idiot) and see if that Agent Elrond will do that.
DM: Ummmmm.. you can't. Roll Initiative, Gollum is attacking you.
Wolf72
Explorer
Arms Law BABY!!!
[E critical, 97] critical hit eye, your arrow sails into the opponents eye. It pierces through the skull and sticks out the other side. Opponenet has a hard time seeing his life flash before his eyes as he is now blind, -25 hits. Opponent dies at the beginning of the next round.
[E critical, 97] critical hit eye, your arrow sails into the opponents eye. It pierces through the skull and sticks out the other side. Opponenet has a hard time seeing his life flash before his eyes as he is now blind, -25 hits. Opponent dies at the beginning of the next round.
Last edited:
Rashak Mani
First Post
DVD extended version... first movie... that part of the Lembas... the funniest yet in the series. Pity it got cut out of the Movie Version...
Assenpfeffer
First Post
Re: Arms Law BABY!!!
Now THAT is a true Middle-Earth result!
You, sir, I like.
Wolf72 said:
Now THAT is a true Middle-Earth result!
You, sir, I like.
Similar Threads
