KenM,
It sounds to me like you’ve been hurt by a number of things over the years: hurt by the opposite sex (girlfriends who leave, women who give you mixed signals), hurt by social situations (large groups or gatherings in which you feel uncomfortable, social obligations you were dragged to that you didn’t like), hurt by communication (times you perceived something was said but not held to, or not followed through, or misrepresented), hurt by the public (on a forum, for instance, where the discussion grew heated and you found yourself on the defensive), hurt by a parent figure, and hurt by the larger world in general (when it eluded your perception or exhibited a complexity not accounted for or encompassed by categorization). I think you’ve been hurt a lot, which is why you mentioned wanting to “get even.”
That’s why I would point you back to everything Teflon Billy has said, as well as the very poignant post by barsoomcore, and the comments of just about everybody else in the thread. There is such eminent wisdom there to be gleaned.
Why?
Because everyone of those people who offered that wisdom, has been hurt, too. Some of them with such intensity it’s amazing they survived. But they did, and they went one better than that. They’ve thrived. And they know what they’re talking about.
Maybe they haven’t gotten the sprinkler system installed like they wanted to yet, or finally got that 1966 Shelby Ford Cobra they always had their eye on fixing up, or maybe their children haven’t grown up with an interest in the sousaphone like they always hoped, or maybe they’re not living in the city they always dreamed of, but they’re thriving nonetheless, because every day they risk getting hurt, and every day they keep going to try and make it better.
NOT because they’re ever going to escape all hurt. No one ever escapes that, until Atropos cuts the thread. Everyone gets hurt, often, and for no good reason. That’s life. But they keep striving because being human means striving anyway in spite of that. Not to be the best, or fastest, or coolest, or funniest, but striving to be ALIVE. Along the way you can shoot for the best, or fastest, or coolest, or funniest, but you have to live in order to do those things.
They’re not offering this advice to point out they got hurt and how it was worse than you. They’re offering the advice to point out they got hurt and they’re STILL GOING, still trying to get up in the morning and figure this thing out, even when, and perhaps especially when, you can’t figure anything out! And along the way, you just might figure something out! You might figure out that, for many of the hurts, you, YOU, KenM, allow yourself to be hurt, and you can allow yourself to be happy.
The difference is, when others go to someone for help, they try to act on that help to keep moving. Humans are like some species of shark: they have to keep swimming or they die (note I said some, ‘cause there’s always someone who shows up and says, “Not all sharks have to keep moving to live.” Yes. I know. You’re very clever. Shut up and embrace the analogy. Don’t pay attention to the finger, or you’ll miss the beauty of the moon). So when someone gives them the bad news, like “You may have to change your behavior, or your perception,” they say, “Damn, that hurts, but I’ll try it and who knows.” And it often turns out that it’s not bad news, it’s really good news, and suddenly, the next thing you know, you’re talking to (lots of different, interesting, complex) women, or improving your education, or helping someone else out, or eating healthier, or noticing details in local flora and fauna you never noticed before, or recognizing that something amazing was in front of you the whole time. This is something that the right professional therapist can help you achieve.
So barsoomcore’s right (pay attention to him and Teflon Billy and Warlord Ralts and some of the others here. They are seriously wise dudes). You can’t exist without pain at some point, and, frankly, without pain at many points. So you might as well walk out the door and find out what’s waiting.
Some of it will hurt like hell. And some of it will make you stand there and shake your fist at the heavens and say “Send another.” Life’s not about getting even. It’s about living until it’s time to die. Along the way you’ll garner enough scars to realize why living is so effen great. Not because we’re masochists, not because we “win,” not because we get “revenge,” but because you’ll look back and be stunned by how amazing it is, and turn back around and get ready to be stunned by it some more tomorrow.
Women send mixed signals because some of them are deceptive, some are confused, some are flighty, some are playful, some are caring, some are distracted, some are uncertain, some are reflective, some are private, some are giddy, and some are all of those within the course of a day. In other words, human. We’re all flawed, man, and so you have to laugh at yourself at some point and say, “Wow, she made a fool out of me. How silly! What the heck, I’ll try to talk to a different woman, and see what happens then!” Or say to yourself, “Wow, my perception of that situation wasn’t accurate, and she wasn’t deceiving me in order to prove how much she hates me and therefore reinforce my deeply ingrained sense of how the world is out to do me wrong. In fact, she wasn’t deceiving me at all! Actually, she’s pretty cool and has a brain of her own and desires, some of which may intersect with mine, some of which don’t, and that makes here REALLY INTERESTING, and I’d like to know more about her, like what kind of food she likes, and does she paint, and has she ever flown a glider, and what she thinks needs to be done about the sad state of FM radio in this country.”
Don’t have any expectations. Maybe the different woman will “make a fool out of you,” or maybe not. That’s the shot you take, that’s the risk of getting hurt. The best women will be the one’s that can laugh at themselves AND YOU right alongside you.
You ever wonder why soldiers have such an intense sense of humor? Because they’re in the
! You have to laugh, or you go bananas! Welcome to life. It’s hell. Have fun.
Warrior Poet
