Why do women send mixed signals?

[Majoru Oakheart]

I hope this isn't another one of those Hida/Majoru/Asperger Syndrome threads where people chime in, apparently unable to fathom such mindbending concepts as "Small Talk", "White Lies" and "Politeness" as ingredients in normal, healthy social interaction...because those are sad.

Hey, I take offense to this. It is a crime to want people to speak their minds instead of pretending to like things they don't? In this situation, I'd much rather have the woman say "Look, I don't think I really want to meet you in real life, you just don't sound like my type." than tell me "call me later and we'll see."

I once had a woman that I asked out tell me yes to going out a couple of times but keep coming up with last minute excuses why should couldn't go out for almost a month until I finally said "Look, do you want to go out or not, because it sounds like you don't." and then she told me she had a boyfriend the entire time and didn't have the heart to tell me because she was afraid I'd feel bad. I felt worse for the next 2 weeks or so than I ever would have if she had just said no in the first place.

 

[I'm A Banana]

Once again, someone knows me so well they feel like they can attack me. I'm sick of it. I said I would try things that other people have metioned. But it does not happen overnight. But I still get attacked from you people.

Sadly, 'tis the nature of the Interweb. Like some savage group of jackals, when you show weakness, people will jump on it and not let you up.

You're saying you're taking the advice. Excellent. I hope you're giving it a real chance and not just doing it because you feel forced to, because I don't think it can work in the latter case.

Find another therapist, and be explicit and honest about the specific things you want to try and work through with them. "I am sad and alone and I don't want to be, and I think this can help," is a good start. You gotta be willing and eager to embrace the change, because from what I know, no therapist is going to FORCE you to be happy. Generally, they help you make yourself that way. Few therapists will give you the tuff luv you're getting here (which seems to have broken through, despite some folks going pretty overboard).

In this situation, I'd much rather have the woman say "Look, I don't think I really want to meet you in real life, you just don't sound like my type." than tell me "call me later and we'll see."

We all would rather that happen, man. But let her be human and make mistakes, and you'll find that such openmindedness can reward you with a girl who was maybe going outside of her normal dating type for once to see what it's like. Allow other people the freedom to make mistakes and be wrong. It happens all the time. It's no big deal.

 

[amethal]

Hey, I take offense to this. It is a crime to want people to speak their minds instead of pretending to like things they don't? In this situation, I'd much rather have the woman say "Look, I don't think I really want to meet you in real life, you just don't sound like my type." than tell me "call me later and we'll see."

This is a very long thread, and I may well have misunderstood, but

I think in this case the woman was on some kind of dating agency thingy whereby standard practice is (apparently) to see about getting dates with a few members of the opposite sex rather than concentrate all your energies on one person at a time.

She put KenM on hold while she saw how a date with another person turned out, and then later decided in the other person's favour and told KenM she no longer wanted a date with him.

"Call me later and we'll see" is actually a fair reflection of her position at the time (even if its not a particularly happy one from KenM's point of view).

Other than that, I agree with you that its better to be told "no thanks" from the start if that's what the person actually thinks.

The other problem with politeness is that it only works if the other person is on your wavelength. For example, my gran has (obviously) known me all my life, but still persists in repeatedly offering me food, in the face of consistent refusals on my part, because she thinks I am just being polite in refusing.

One of the more unpleasant evenings of my life occurred as a result of a group of relative strangers asking me if I wanted to come along with them for the evening. I like meeting new people, so I readily agreed.

As a result, I left a group of people who were happy to have me with them in order to spend time with a group of people who didn't want me with them and who became more and more rude in their efforts to get rid of me - but who were still unable to actually come out and tell me that they hadn't meant the invite and it would be better if I left.

Why the heck they invited me in the first place I will never know. Presumably it was because they were being "polite", but I consider that the "polite" thing to do would have been to say "nice meeting you, hope to see you again some time" (even when it isn't true) and leave to continue the rest of their evening (as they had previously planned, so it wasn't as if I would have thought they were leaving on my account).

 

[Turanil]

And, Joker casts "Summon Mod V" spell.

What's the casting time?

By the way, if I insult some political and religious figure, does it count for Mod Summoning IX? Anyway, I fear that I am much too meek to attempt such a mighty spell...

 

[Mercule]

What's the casting time?

Apparently, longer than I thought. Or, it could just be that he's crafted a magical trap, fulfilling the conditions required for a successful response to the "Report Post" button.

By the way, if I insult some political and religious figure, does it count for Mod Summoning IX? Anyway, I fear that I am much too meek to attempt such a mighty spell...

Likewise. I'm also afraid that my Use Magic Device check may end up with a backfire. And that's not good.

 

[Dinkeldog]

If I say suicide is an option, would that be too harsh and inconsiderate? Because if it is, I won't say it.

Joker, you're always welcome to not read a thread. I recommend that in this case.

 

[DarrenGMiller]

Once again, someone knows me so well they feel like they can attack me. I'm sick of it. I said I would try things that other people have metioned. But it does not happen overnight. But I still get attacked from you people.

In-freaking-credible. You call it an attack? I call it truth. So far, any poster who has given you the unadulterated truth has been labelled as attacking you, yet the truth is all you claim to crave. The logo is correct, "You can't handle the truth." What you really want is sympathy.

The person to whom you are responding moved me almost to tears. You are no more special than anyone elsethan this person's child. My brother was also far less functional than you, but he (and my parents along with him) always tried to play the "that doesn't apply to me because I am different" card. When presented with stories about how people suffering from what my brother suffered from, he and my parents always responded with some variation of, "You just don't understand. Our case is different." Using this crutch, they refued to take advantage of all of the techniques and options open to them. My parents refused to give my brother any "tough love" which is somethimes painful, but often necessary. TB and others have been trying to give this to you straight, with some "tough love." Yesterday, when everyone else in America (I know, a generalization, I guess that makes me a liar) was celebrating the birth of the country, I was thinking of my brother's death. He died seven years ago yesterday. It was unnecessary, but in retrospect, couldn't have turned out any other way. He died as peacefully as was possible for him, while my parents slept unaware in another room. His last words to my father were, "I hate you, you f***ing bas***d!" Because my father got him an apartment and offered to pay his rent so he could live closer to home and not in the middle of a crime-ridden neighborhood hours from my parents' home, where my father would drive sometimes twice a week to do his laundry and find his glasses or plug in his television or even replace his television when he smashed it with a basebal bat. He had simply abused his body too much while my parents coddled him and felt sorry for him and his body decided it couldn't handle it anymore.

You are still alive. Do something about your condition. I am sorry if you consider this an attack. You need a wake up call.

DM

 

[Mustrum_Ridcully]

Once again, someone knows me so well they feel like they can attack me. I'm sick of it. I said I would try things that other people have metioned. But it does not happen overnight. But I still get attacked from you people.

I guess that may be attributed to the problem that people don´t read all posts or might overlook some - even if they´re important.

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

Fair enough, but if honesty is important enough to you that you are willing to alienate yourself from most of the world because of it, don't you think that's a little...extreme? Isn't that like the blind man who never leaves his house because he can't see the world anymore?

If you're happy being that judgemental and extreme, by all means, continue...but otherwise, why can't you accept other people for who they are? Why does trivial lying hurt you that much? Why be offended when people are different when you could just accept their difference and live with them?

By the same token, why is it that everyone in the thread has so much a problem with his behaviour that they feel the need to point out the problems with it? Isn't it better to accept his way of life is different than yours and that he doesn't need to socialize in the same ways you do?

He wasn't saying "I don't have enough friends" or "I wish I could socialize better" he said "Why do women not say what they mean straightfowardly?"

If you want the answer, Ken, it's because the majority of people feel they need to lie and mislead in order to be "polite" and because it is the "rules" of interpersonal relationships. You don't hurt people's feelings by telling them what you really think, you don't want to burn any bridges or get anyone angry at you.

There IS a section of society that works closer to the way you and I think though, Ken. We tell each other the truth, we say "No, I really don't want to go." rather than "I have to...stay at home and...paint my walls." I know because I have a decently large group of friends who think like this. It IS possible to have interpersonal relationships without lying except at the most minimum level. There also ARE women out there that subscribe to this way of thinking as well. Unfortunately, they are rare.

However, contrary to TB's beliefs, we aren't such a small portion of the population so as to be an abberation. We also don't need to be "fixed". People who think like us get along with each other just fine. We aren't some sort of disease that needs to be "corrected" by instilling the beliefs of the majority into us.

 

[Humanophile]

It's heartening to see this thread go the way it is. Medication probably isn't the answer for Ken, but some sorting out his issues is. At least making a game effort to catch his bad behavior and mitigate it seems likely. (And Ken, you seem bright enough to do that. There'll be catches along the way, but progress seems very likely.)

Also, Ken, I don't really see your aspergers being your primary issue here. It may feed into it, but you seem primarily hung up on not being burned. I'm aware your ex and your stepfather did you bad, as I'm sure several other people have over time. As Ralts so succinctly pointed out, we've all had bad happen to us. I'm not asking you to open your heart and your bank account to anyone who asks, I'm just saying that you should try to have a little more give. Misunderstandings and unexpected situations do happen.

One other thing to keep in mind: Girls will tend to lie while playing the dating game because they don't want to hurt your feelings (crazy, granted, but wailing and gnashing your teeth won't change it), or often because they've had the truth backfire on them many times before. One of my dearest friends lied to me about not having a boyfriend until I called her out on it, because when she and he became official she had several other male friends jump ship. But don't just insist that you deserve 100% honesty because you're not other boys; the girls can turn around and ask for 100% trust and forgiveness because they're not your ex-girlfriend. Rather, accept that as you both grow on each other and learn each other's quirks and foilibles, you'll be able to prove that honesty is the best policy with you. But realize it'll take some time for them to get used to who you actually are, rather than expecting them to intuit that off the bat.