Villano
First Post
Okay, I raided my vote history on the IMDB and clipped out most of those that I gave a 3 (out of 10) or lower:
Half Past Dead (2002) 3 - Yes, it's a Steven Seagal film. Old Stevie plays a Russian (his accent's about as good as Jean-Claude Van Damme's Russian accent
) and it's set in a prison on Bizarro world where nothing makes sense whatsoever.
Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003) 3 - God, this movie was uninteresting and bland. No excitement, no anything. Why was it made?
Planet of the Apes (2001) 3 - Again, why was this made? The only interesting character was the chimp girl.
Scorpion King, The (2002) 3 - I just spent money to watch Hercules, The Legendary Journey, the Movie?! Did we need the sidekick, kid, and inventor charactors? And why couldn't Michael Clarke Duncan be the villain? We could have at least had a good climactic fight.
Of course, Kelly Hu running around nearly naked didn't hurt.
Sheena (1984) 3 - Who told Tanya Roberts she could act? And, if she was raised by the natives, why do they speak English and she speaks "Tarzan"?
Batman Forever (1995) 2 - Stop Joel Schummacher!
Halloween: Resurrection (2002) 2 - Busta Rhymes' kung-fu beat down of Michael Meyers? Aargh!
Matrix Reloaded, The (2003) 2 - I want my money back!
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) 2 - A sequel that should not have been.
"Sole Survivor" (2000) (mini) 1 - A mini-series based on a novel by Dean Koontz. The villain doesn't want his men to kill some paintballers in the woods because he doesn't want to attract attention. Later, he lands a helicopter at a horse ranch, mutilates the horses, shoots the rancher and his wife, and then runs through a restaurant waving a gun around.
And then the movie gets worse...
Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (2000) 1 - The movie starring the shortest, fattest mummy captured on film. It also features 2 of the worst shots in history: In the first, two characters walk to a door and exit. Immediately thereafter, the mummy steps into frame. The problem is that they would have had to walk past the mummy to get to the door. Seriously, for the mummy to have stepped into frame so quickly, he would have had to have been standing one foot off camera, right next to the door.
A friend and I joked around coming up with explanations as to why they didn't see the mummy: He was standing in a pot, holding a branch in front of himself. He was hiding behind a mop. He had a lampshade on his head. He was wearing a bowler hat and a huge, fake, handlebar mustache ("I am just a harmless, German tourist. Pay no attention to me.").
In the next terrible shot, a professor is reading at her desk. Even though it's night, she only has a two watt desk lamp on. Apparently, she hears a noise and calls out someone's name (I say "apparently" because they didn't have the money to foley in a noise).
Now, here's the thing, she doesn't wait even a microsecond for a response, instead, she picks up the flashlight on her desk and walks out of her office and into an outer room, calling out the person's name.
Okay, she sits in her office in near total darkness, reading, and when she hears a noise, she picks up a convienent flashlight to go and investigate? Me, I would have turned on the office light and then the lights in the other room. But then again, what do I know, I'm not a professor?
It's no surprise she is immediately killed. And, just to rub it in, she was the first one killed and the only one who could act in the damn thing.
Batman & Robin (1997) 1 - I'm serious. We've got to stop Schummacher!
Dungeons & Dragons (2000) 1 - You can find vhs copies for $3 at Wal-Mart along with Maria Carey's Glitter.
Expériences érotiques de Frankenstein, Les (1972) 1 - "The Erotic Rites Of Frankenstein". It's directed by Jess Franco. For those that have seen his films, that's enough of a description.
Fountainhead, The (1949) 1 - I couldn't get past the first few minutes.
Gosford Park (2001) 1 - Directed by Rober Altman. To quote one reviewer, "There's a reason the British stopped making these movies years ago."
Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) (V) 1 - A remake of the original Howling, but closer to the novel (the script is by its author). Watch it and you'll understand why the director of the original, Joe Dante, said that his biggest regret isn't that they changed so much from the novel for the film but that they kept anything from the book at all.
Howling: New Moon Rising (1995) (V) 1 - Made for $12 and starring a cast of non-actors (they are just people who lived in the town in which they filmed).
I have no idea who said, "Hey, let's make a werewolf movie starring senior citizens! First, make sure that not only are none actors, but none can act! Yeah, we'll show them line dancing over and over again! And, to break that up, we'll include fart jokes! Slap the 'Howling' name on it and it's guarenteed to make money! Just toss in a muppet and call it a werewolf, the fans are too stupid to care! And it doesn't matter that the werewolf looks like Big Bird because it's only on screen for three second at the end!"
Prêt-à-Porter (1994) 1 - So, Robert Altman's directing style is that he doesn't have a style? Is "bland" a style?
Some Nudity Required (1998) 1 - Okay, this is a documentary made by a woman who wrote music for low-budget producer Roger Corman. It's all about how his movies and others like them are terrible, horrible things that degrade women and lead men to violence and women to seek out humiliation. She proves it by showing how she's into S&M and gets turned on watching women get murdered in movies.
Oh, and we are also treated to home movies that her grandparents shot. In it, she's a toddler and is dancing around totally naked. It's really creepy watching these scenes and all I could think was that it looked like kiddie p0rn. Later, she reveals that she was molested by her grandparents and that the home movies were basically filmed as kiddie p0rn.
Man, this woman is really screwed up. She blasts movies, yet shows the audience all this godawful, degrading stuff about herself which is 1,000 times worse than any film.
What's truely amazing is, first, that she still blames Roger Corman for her messed up life, and second, that this film can be found in major video stores (do they usually carry movies with naked, little kids?).
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) 1 - It's supposed to be bad on purpose?
Tank Girl (1995) 1 - I couldn't make it to the end of this.
Teenage Caveman (2002) (TV) 1 - A remake of the Roger Corman film by the director of Kids and Bully. I haven't seen either of those, but people who have seen all three say it's basically the same movie: (Very) young teens taking drugs and having sex. There's a monster at the end for about 5 minutes and that's about it.
Clarke, the director, seems like a pretty creepy guy. Even though everyone is naturally over 18, none look it. Lots of close-ups of the boys' underwear, if you know what I mean. From what I understand, Clarke also did a nude photography book featuring very young teens.
Really, really creepy guy.
World Is Not Enough, The (1999) 1 - Worst Bond film ever.
So, stay away from Some Nudity Required and Teenage Caveman. They fall into the "horrible and creepy" area of bad.
Half Past Dead (2002) 3 - Yes, it's a Steven Seagal film. Old Stevie plays a Russian (his accent's about as good as Jean-Claude Van Damme's Russian accent
) and it's set in a prison on Bizarro world where nothing makes sense whatsoever.Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003) 3 - God, this movie was uninteresting and bland. No excitement, no anything. Why was it made?
Planet of the Apes (2001) 3 - Again, why was this made? The only interesting character was the chimp girl.
Scorpion King, The (2002) 3 - I just spent money to watch Hercules, The Legendary Journey, the Movie?! Did we need the sidekick, kid, and inventor charactors? And why couldn't Michael Clarke Duncan be the villain? We could have at least had a good climactic fight.
Of course, Kelly Hu running around nearly naked didn't hurt.
Sheena (1984) 3 - Who told Tanya Roberts she could act? And, if she was raised by the natives, why do they speak English and she speaks "Tarzan"?
Batman Forever (1995) 2 - Stop Joel Schummacher!
Halloween: Resurrection (2002) 2 - Busta Rhymes' kung-fu beat down of Michael Meyers? Aargh!
Matrix Reloaded, The (2003) 2 - I want my money back!
Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997) 2 - A sequel that should not have been.
"Sole Survivor" (2000) (mini) 1 - A mini-series based on a novel by Dean Koontz. The villain doesn't want his men to kill some paintballers in the woods because he doesn't want to attract attention. Later, he lands a helicopter at a horse ranch, mutilates the horses, shoots the rancher and his wife, and then runs through a restaurant waving a gun around.
And then the movie gets worse...
Ancient Evil: Scream of the Mummy (2000) 1 - The movie starring the shortest, fattest mummy captured on film. It also features 2 of the worst shots in history: In the first, two characters walk to a door and exit. Immediately thereafter, the mummy steps into frame. The problem is that they would have had to walk past the mummy to get to the door. Seriously, for the mummy to have stepped into frame so quickly, he would have had to have been standing one foot off camera, right next to the door.
A friend and I joked around coming up with explanations as to why they didn't see the mummy: He was standing in a pot, holding a branch in front of himself. He was hiding behind a mop. He had a lampshade on his head. He was wearing a bowler hat and a huge, fake, handlebar mustache ("I am just a harmless, German tourist. Pay no attention to me.").
In the next terrible shot, a professor is reading at her desk. Even though it's night, she only has a two watt desk lamp on. Apparently, she hears a noise and calls out someone's name (I say "apparently" because they didn't have the money to foley in a noise).
Now, here's the thing, she doesn't wait even a microsecond for a response, instead, she picks up the flashlight on her desk and walks out of her office and into an outer room, calling out the person's name.
Okay, she sits in her office in near total darkness, reading, and when she hears a noise, she picks up a convienent flashlight to go and investigate? Me, I would have turned on the office light and then the lights in the other room. But then again, what do I know, I'm not a professor?
It's no surprise she is immediately killed. And, just to rub it in, she was the first one killed and the only one who could act in the damn thing.
Batman & Robin (1997) 1 - I'm serious. We've got to stop Schummacher!
Dungeons & Dragons (2000) 1 - You can find vhs copies for $3 at Wal-Mart along with Maria Carey's Glitter.
Expériences érotiques de Frankenstein, Les (1972) 1 - "The Erotic Rites Of Frankenstein". It's directed by Jess Franco. For those that have seen his films, that's enough of a description.
Fountainhead, The (1949) 1 - I couldn't get past the first few minutes.
Gosford Park (2001) 1 - Directed by Rober Altman. To quote one reviewer, "There's a reason the British stopped making these movies years ago."
Howling IV: The Original Nightmare (1988) (V) 1 - A remake of the original Howling, but closer to the novel (the script is by its author). Watch it and you'll understand why the director of the original, Joe Dante, said that his biggest regret isn't that they changed so much from the novel for the film but that they kept anything from the book at all.
Howling: New Moon Rising (1995) (V) 1 - Made for $12 and starring a cast of non-actors (they are just people who lived in the town in which they filmed).
I have no idea who said, "Hey, let's make a werewolf movie starring senior citizens! First, make sure that not only are none actors, but none can act! Yeah, we'll show them line dancing over and over again! And, to break that up, we'll include fart jokes! Slap the 'Howling' name on it and it's guarenteed to make money! Just toss in a muppet and call it a werewolf, the fans are too stupid to care! And it doesn't matter that the werewolf looks like Big Bird because it's only on screen for three second at the end!"
Prêt-à-Porter (1994) 1 - So, Robert Altman's directing style is that he doesn't have a style? Is "bland" a style?
Some Nudity Required (1998) 1 - Okay, this is a documentary made by a woman who wrote music for low-budget producer Roger Corman. It's all about how his movies and others like them are terrible, horrible things that degrade women and lead men to violence and women to seek out humiliation. She proves it by showing how she's into S&M and gets turned on watching women get murdered in movies.
Oh, and we are also treated to home movies that her grandparents shot. In it, she's a toddler and is dancing around totally naked. It's really creepy watching these scenes and all I could think was that it looked like kiddie p0rn. Later, she reveals that she was molested by her grandparents and that the home movies were basically filmed as kiddie p0rn.
Man, this woman is really screwed up. She blasts movies, yet shows the audience all this godawful, degrading stuff about herself which is 1,000 times worse than any film.
What's truely amazing is, first, that she still blames Roger Corman for her messed up life, and second, that this film can be found in major video stores (do they usually carry movies with naked, little kids?).
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) 1 - It's supposed to be bad on purpose?
Tank Girl (1995) 1 - I couldn't make it to the end of this.
Teenage Caveman (2002) (TV) 1 - A remake of the Roger Corman film by the director of Kids and Bully. I haven't seen either of those, but people who have seen all three say it's basically the same movie: (Very) young teens taking drugs and having sex. There's a monster at the end for about 5 minutes and that's about it.
Clarke, the director, seems like a pretty creepy guy. Even though everyone is naturally over 18, none look it. Lots of close-ups of the boys' underwear, if you know what I mean. From what I understand, Clarke also did a nude photography book featuring very young teens.
Really, really creepy guy.
World Is Not Enough, The (1999) 1 - Worst Bond film ever.
So, stay away from Some Nudity Required and Teenage Caveman. They fall into the "horrible and creepy" area of bad.
Last edited:
