Yet Another Lonely-Gamer Thread UPDATE 7-8!!!!

[TheUnknownSoul]

Hello.

First off, I'm not new. I post under another name here, but I don't wish to use it as its easily identified with me. I want complete anonmynitity.

I've known this girl (we'll call her Kay) for almost seven years (freshmen in college). We lived in the same dorm, had a single class together. However, we ended up friends throughout college. Towards the end of college, my feelings for her started to change. It came to a head when I picked her up to go to a friends birthday party and she was dressed to kill. I was smitten.

We had a brief "dating" session, which ended when she admitted she wasn't looking for a relationship and didn't want to "hurt me". Shortly after, I began a long and difficult relationship with my last girlfriend (which is another story, but it didn't end well). Two years and that ended, and Kay and I met again online by chance. We made a point to go and visit one another, and to re-kindle a friendship almost destroyed by my ex-girlfriend. Unfortunately, it also rekindled those feelings I had for Kay long ago.

We've been seeing each other once a month or so for two years. We go to dinner, movies, plays, opera, out for ice-cream, even on day-trips to theme parks and had talked about a three day trip to Vegas (actually, it was a job-scouting prospect that didn't pan out). We've talked about possibly getting an apartment together when one or both of us have steady jobs (both of us are working stiffs still living at our parents). Not too long ago, she even came to "watch" my group play D&D and got into the RPing aspect (like theatre, which she loves) but wasn't sure she wanted to join.

The ultimate was the good-night kiss I got just days ago, which I'd been hoping for since that first night at the party. There's even been prospects of "more" to come...

However, throughout all of this, she's never changed her story: She thinks I'm a great guy and I'm a loyal friend, with whom she can share anything. But she's not looking for a boyfriend right now, and even if she was, she doesn't "feel" anything toward me. Throughout all of this, I've been a "friend".

I'm at wits end now. I care desperately for her, and while it seems I'm making progress, it comes back to that same old story: I'm just not interested. While I finally got her to admit she has SOME small feelings toward me, I'm really wondering if I'm not wasting my time in a non-relationship, or even making more out of a close friendship that is really there...

So, I through this to you amateur Dr. Phils: should I start to try to see other people (I'm horribly shy and I don't have access to many places to meet new people), should I see where this leads (lets things continue to slowly "grow"), or am I being played for a fool?

Any and all suggestions are welcomed.

EDIT: Check page 3 for an update on this situation

 

[DungeonmasterCal]

I don't really have any relationship advice, but I will tell you from my experience in reading threads along this line, be prepared for some good and some not so good advice. And be prepared to be insulted along the way. These threads usually end in tragedy.

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

I don't really have any relationship advice, but I will tell you from my experience in reading threads along this line, be prepared for some good and some not so good advice. And be prepared to be insulted along the way. These threads usually end in tragedy.

You know, even typing it all out was therapeutic. And its part of the reason I'm in nom de plume (the other is my SN is googlable). Still, sometimes a nugget of wisdom can be gleaned, and if not, its good to have some sympathy at least...

 

[Seanaci]

My few cents worth:

Don't write her off completely. Put those feelings for her to the backburner and date other people. If you have a good time on a date, tell her so. Sometimes it takes a good kick in the butt to get the other person to realise they also have deep feelings for you. However, also keep in mind, it could make her feel the opposite and be happy to see that you've moved on from her. Either way, you'll win in the end.

Best of luck.

 

[Dragonbait]

My crappy 2cp (I write this after reading through the post once)
You can only go on what she tells you. In general, being the "friend" is a death-sentence for guys, contrary to what all the movies tell us. I do not recommend you and she moving in together, because if she really wants to keep it plutonic, it will be really hard for you to see her day after day without anything more coming out of the relationship. Don't keep going after her with the faint hope that something will happen. Pursue other relationships. but do NOT go into them just to try and get Kay jealous or whathaveyou because you will just end up hurting the 'temp' girl when she realizes that she was just a tool. Trust me, she will be able to tell.
Kay knows how you feel.

(this is after a second reading)
That kiss, along with possibly more prospects? Did she say that, or are you hoping for that? Is she just looking for a "friends with benefits" situation? Those are always entertaining till one of the two friends gets too deep into it and gets real feelings for the other, while the other does not reciprocate. Do you lust after her, or are you really attracted to her and her personality too? If it is the second, then do NOT go into the friends-with-benefits situation. You'll just end up being hurt more.

The big problem with all of this is the fact that we don't know the full situation. We only know what you have written on the thread, so our comments are skewed by that.

Hm. Just call me Eeyor. I'm full of negatives today.. Oops.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Honestly I think you need to back away from her. Seanaci's way is one possibility, but I think you need to break yourself from her if you really want to try dating, otherwise you probably won't give other women a fair shot.

Let her know how much you feel for her and that it is difficult remaining just friends with her and so you need to take some time away while you look for someone who can give you more. If you stick around and remain friends with her, she hasn't lost much by your dating someone else, but you will likely end up holding yourself back, comparing everyone you date to her (trust me, I've been there, it isn't good). If you aren't around to be her good friend, she may come to realize just how much you really mean to her.

If she is serious about not wanting a relationship, you both lose something, but you will hopefully be able to find what you need.

 

[Crothian]

She's told you how she feels, she wants to remain friends. I suggest you do that. Date other people. Having a woman friend is great when you are dating other people. A woman's prospective is invaluable and great to talk to to when you are wondering what to do while dating.

 

[TheUnknownSoul]

My crappy 2cp (I write this after reading through the post once)
You can only go on what she tells you. In general, being the "friend" is a death-sentence for guys, contrary to what all the movies tell us. I do not recommend you and she moving in together, because if she really wants to keep it plutonic, it will be really hard for you to see her day after day without anything more coming out of the relationship. Don't keep going after her with the faint hope that something will happen. Pursue other relationships. but do NOT go into them just to try and get Kay jealous or whathaveyou because you will just end up hurting the 'temp' girl when she realizes that she was just a tool. Trust me, she will be able to tell.
Kay knows how you feel.

The move-in sceanario has been bandied about in the form of "I want to get out my parent's house" "me too" "I don't know where to go" "we could always find something to share rent" (Kay added the last line)

I realize that moving in and being plutonic friends is a death-sentence. I don't think I could look at her day-in, day out without dying. And IF she started dating someone, I couldn't be in the same county as her and whoever. No, I know better than that. It was merely to suggest she feel comfortable enough with me to suggest housing arrangements.

Kay isn't the kind to get jealous. She was, until a poor relationship burned her. Its the bad relationship(s) that has kept her playing it close, not wanting a boyfriend right now. (least as she explains it).

(this is after a second reading)
That kiss, along with possibly more prospects? Did she say that, or are you hoping for that? Is she just looking for a "friends with benefits" situation? Those are always entertaining till one of the two friends gets too deep into it and gets real feelings for the other, while the other does not reciprocate. Do you lust after her, or are you really attracted to her and her personality too? If it is the second, then do NOT go into the friends-with-benefits situation. You'll just end up being hurt more.

Oh, its been discussed in that exact term: friend with benefits. So far, the only cavaet to it so far has been a suitable location (both living at home really cramps a love-life). This goes back to that "burn" she got, I'm the first person (she claims) that she would get physically intimate with since that time. Maybe thats just an ego booster.

No, its not just lust. I'm hesitate to use the other "L" word (not lesbian!) but its not just a physical thing. In fact, the physical element is relatively rescent, and perhaps that is that which is really confusing me. If she was just a "friend", why start initating more physical contact?

The big problem with all of this is the fact that we don't know the full situation. We only know what you have written on the thread, so our comments are skewed by that.

Hm. Just call me Eeyor. I'm full of negatives today.. Oops.

Oh, I realize its he said/she didn't, but its all I got to go on. It sucks, she's my best friend and confidante, and we share EVERYTHING about ourselves together. We're each other's problem-solvers and support system, so its really hard when your support system IS your problem! Its like calling up customer service to complain about the poor customer service.

The last question is: can I somehow salvage this friendship without hurting myself or her in the process?

 

[Dragonbait]

The last question is: can I somehow salvage this friendship without hurting myself or her in the process?

That would require you moving on, emotionally, without severing communication with her. Nothing will be the same, in any case. You are going to have to face that. You admitted that you can't bare the thought of her with another guy. If she does not want to be in a relationship with you, she WILL eventually be seeing someone else. It's a fact you need to realize and prepare for. The freinds with benefits (FwB) will also change everything, but be prepared for some rocky roads ahead with that one.

Just ran out of time, so I can't add more, or check what I said. Woot! Speed posting!

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Obviously I don't know any more than what you have posted, but from observing a good friend go through something frighteningly similar, the "friends with benefits" thing bothers me a lot. Sounds like she wants everything good about a relationship, companionship, physical satisfaction etc. without having to commit herself to anything. That way, if something goes wrong she can just tell herself, "no big deal." Emotional detachment. What this can lead to is a one-sided relationship. You end up emotionally invested and do whatever you can to keep what you have. She has no investment and takes what she can get, returning much less than you give.

I would venture that this is highly unlikely to ever lead to anything good for you.