You're Joking!

[der_kluge]

This redneck with a broken arm goes into a bar and sits down. The redneck looks at the end of the bar and sees a man in robes at the end of the bar. "Bartender", he asks, "is that who I think it is?"

"Yes sir", the bartender replies, "that's Jesus."

"Amazing!", the redneck says, "buy him a beer."

The bartender gives Jesus a beer. Jesus takes the beer, nods to the redneck and drinks his beer.

Just then, a German walks in with a bad limp. He limps up to the bar, sees Jesus. "Well I'll be!", he shouts, and has the bartender buy him an Ale. Jesus nods, and drinks his ale.

Then an Irishman comes in with a bad back. He hobbles over and sits at the bar, and sees Jesus. "Blimey!", the Irishmen says, and buys Jesus a whiskey. Jesus nods, and then drinks his whiskey.

A little while later, Jesus gets up, and walks over the Irishman. He thanks him for the whiskey, and touches the Irishman. He springs up, and shouts "Blarney! My back is healed! I don't have to hunch over anymore! Thank ye, Jesus!" and runs out of the bar.

Then Jesus moves over to the German, and thanks him for the ale, and touches the German. "Ach! Me leg is healed! I can dancen to tha polka ya! Danke, Jesus!" he shouts, and dances out of the bar.

Then, Jesus walks over to the redneck.

The redneck shouts, "Don't you touch me you bastard, I'm drawing disability!"

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Two Texan hunters walk into a bar...and it eats them.

+++

2 Drunks are sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper.

Drunk#1: "D'ja knowww...thish shkyscraper hash unush...unush...wierd air currents."

Drunk#2: "Y'don't say..."

Drunk#1: "Yup! You jump out a window from upheres, an the wind will blow ya back in!"

Drunk#2: "Y'don't say..."

Drunk#1: "Yup. Lemme show ya!"

He jumps out of the window, and seconds later, he comes back in the same window!

Drunk#2: "WOW! Thish I gosta try!"

He jumps out, and predictibly, dies when he hits the pavement, the first drunk watching him fall. He then goes back to the bar.

Bartender: "Superman, you are one mean drunk!"

+++

A man steps out of a blizzard into a bar in backwoods Canada.

"I'm Rattlesnake Ryan McGhee- and I'm the meanest, toughest man alive! Anyone here got a problem with that?"

One huge, hairy bar patron, stands up. "Around here, shorty, you ain't nothin' 'till you guzzle 3 whole bottles of whiskey, have sex with a woman, and wrestle a Grizzly with your bare hands-in that order- all in one day!"

Ryan responds "Then gimmie the whiskey!" and chugs it all down in under a minute. "I'll be back!" he says, boozily, leaving the bar.

Later that night, he staggers back into the bar, drunk & glassy eyed, his clothes shredded, & bleeding from many wounds...

"I'm Rattlesnake Ryan McGhee...where's the woman I'm supposed to wrestle?"

 

[WmRAllen67]

Let's just get them out of the way...

A man walks into a bar... says "Ouch".



A second man walks into a bar... you figure he would have seen the first guy...