TSR Example from the worst TSR adventure module(s) ever published

[Staffan]

The winter wolf's % in lair is the square root of -1, which pretty sums up the whole module.

It's imaginary?

 

[FreeTheSlaves]

Didn't someone write up some material with % "liar" instead of lair. Maybe it was just a minor fluff...

 

[Demmero]

My turn! My turn!

37. Chloe the Nymph (Again)

Before you on the path stands Chloe, the nymph from Encounter #6. She clutches a pidgeon tightly in her right hand while leaning against a tree with her right. The pidgeon’s face is expressionless except for its bulging eyes. Tears stream from all two of the nymph’s eyes, and it’s obvious that she has been crying and not laughing. The nymph is totally naked except for the blouse, vest, overcoat, belt, breeches, fisherman’s gloves, knee brace, galoshes, and ski mask she wears. The ski mask doesn’t make her look like a thief, or a cleric.

If the PCs used the antidote to bring the lake back to normal, Chloe is crying because all the forest birds have returned and are singing but not joking loudly. The nymph says she doesn’t like blonde jokes, though, being brunette herself. If the PCs didn’t pour the antidote into the lake, the nymph wants the deer back to make stew.

To determine the nymph’s actions towards the party, roll 1d6:
1-2) Chloe is friendly with the party and offers to knit them all sweaters;
3-4) Chloe is friendly and doesn’t direct sleep against them;
3-4) Chloe is friendly and grants them any one wish (except that one);
5-6) Chloe is friendly with the male PC with the highest Charisma (unless his Cha is higher than hers, in which case he should be friendly to her).

In any event, the nymph immediately threatens to attack.

“Do what I say!” she cries hysterically and not jokingly. “If you don’t, I’ll get all nekkid! And believe me…you wouldn’t like me when I’m nekkid! I have fearsome powers when I’m nekkid, whether I look like a cleric or no! You don’t want no part of me! I’m real buff and stuff!”

If the party allows the nymph to finish reading the boxed text, then a tall creature that looks like a cross between a dragon and a puppet emerges from the secret door in the tree, mumbling something about copyright infringement and threatening to take back the module writer’s stash. Chloe doesn’t know about the secret door, being a nymph and not a dryad. After walking around haphazardly to convince the PCs that it isn’t a soldier, the dragon-puppet attacks anyways!

The dragon-puppet (AC 2; MV 12”; HD 1 or 11 (see below); #AT 3; Dmg 1-4/1-4/10-120 [claw/claw/teeth in really big head]; SA none; SD none; Note: the creature’s HD is either 1 or 11, depending) carries no weapons or treasure. For equipment it has a sharp handaxe, a longsword, and a pouch containing 300 gp for traveling expenses. Although honorable, the dragon-puppet stole this equipment from a band of wererats (unrelated to those from Encounter #8). If the PCs had any equipment stolen during that encounter, the dragon-puppet also carries that.

 

[Insight]

By the way, I have created a thread called "Lets Write a Bad Module". You can find the link in my sig.

 

[Hussar]

I e-mailed Carl Smith about this module, as to whether he felt it came out exactly as he envisioned it or not.
Here is his reply:

"Thanks for the kind remarcs. I know it has bin hard to see the fight for the trees, but the kingdom will have no end. That said, we wer all happe at the response in trade magazines at the time of the module's release. "Astounding!", and "Bewilderingly"-something-or-other were common reacsons. You know, to be onest, in a feather bouncing sort of way, this was really the diving board that broke me into big busines with games like "Tarragon" and the short Adventure Quest module "Blankets for Baalzebub".
Anyway, its been a stong, fun ride, and I hope for the children that we all have many more. Cheers and fun role-gaming!
-Carl"

Pretty, pretty please tell me you are joking.

Thanks for the chuckles guys. Keep it up.

 

[Demmero]

Pretty, pretty please tell me you are joking.

Roll 1d6:

1) He is not joking.
2) He is neither joking loudly nor singing.
3) His face is expressionless but he is still joking.
4) He is dressed as a cleric but he's still joking.
5-6) He is neither tarrying nor running but is still joking.

 

[lukelightning]

Oh, darn, I was thinking of the square root of 2 (irrational number).

It's imaginary?

 

[griff_goodbeard]

Am I the only one who would love to see Rich put the Order of the Stick gang through this adventure. That would be priceless.

 

[lukelightning]

Encounter 51: Chloe again.

While the party is doing whatever they are currently doing (perhaps joking loudly or tarrying), Chloe the nymph appears out of the woods.

Chloe appears, once again distraught, as is evident by the fact that she is not singing or laughing loudly. She tarries briefly before running over. She is not dressed as a cleric, and it is pretty obvious she is not a soldier as she is not walking in formation with herself. She is holding a goldfish in her hand. The goldfish looks dead and is not dressed as a cleric. Chloe wrings her hand in distress and cries while looking at the you.

Chloe is distressed because her goldfish is sleeping but really it is dead. She cries at a random PC, roll 1d6: 1: She cries at the closest person. 2: She cries at whoever is looking at her first. 3: She cries at nobody in particular. 4: She cries at the wizard. 4: She cries at everyone but the wizard. 5: She cries to the handsomest man. 6: She cries at the goldfish.

Chloe is inconsolable. If a PC consols her she will stop crying. Unfortunately her crying has attracted the attention of the Winter Wolf. If the winter wolf is already dead then her crying attracts another winter wolf, possibly the same one. The stats for the winter wolf (the original one or the one replacing the dead one) are: (AC 6; MV 12"; HD 3+1; hp 16 each; #AT 1; Dmg 1-8 [sword]; SA Surprise on 1-4; SD Hit only by silver or +1 or better magic weapons, % in lair 100).

If the players kill the wolf Chloe will stop crying, unless she's already stopped crying, in which case she will continue to not cry. She will not joke under any circumstances. However, once she sees the wolf dead she will be saddened and commence to start crying. The goldfish can not be awakened.

 

[sad_genius]

Back to the rope bridge:

"A magical item is lost, or 200 gp if the party member has none."

But I don't have any gold pieces! How can you take my gold if i have none!

PS - This thread has conclusively proven that any description of anything that is not laughing or talking loudly is funny.