Thanks to Roger for the sblock layout I'll appropriate
I'm not making any guesses as to who'll win a round, though.
First off, some general observations, especially good for newbies.
Picture Use
I know a lot of judges prefer getting some detail with the picture. I know you shouldn't use a picture as a picture, but it's also that you fare better if you describe the picture in the context of your story, instead of just writing, for example, "someone looked at him (picture of man in funny bird suit). Tim turned his head and ran away."
Note that there are exceptions to this rule, especially when you want to twist expectations or surprise with the actual picture.
Story Design
Okay, this is a personal opinion. Even though it says, "Ceramic DM Writing Competition" (I guess that's what it says, but I could be wrong), Rodrigo's sig says "Ceramic DM
Story Writing Competition", and that's most assuredly where the focus lies. That doesn't mean you can't try any kind of writing you like, but it does mean that stories are favored.
And for a story, you need conflict. Conflict means tension, overcoming obstacles, the possibility of change or a return to status quo. For a story, it means right to exist. In other words: Why are you telling the story that you are telling? What's the important thing that happens here, and why is it so interesting that we'd want to know? Conflict doesn't need to be fighting, or killing. But it means the protagonist is faced with obstacles, obstacles he needs to overcome. Why does he need to overcome them? Motivation, element two. If you know what the protagonist wants to do, then you'll probably come up with some obstacles easily enough.
"Jim wants to cook breakfast for his fiancée but oh! – he ate the last egg yesterday morning, and Jenny loves omelettes. And now he has to drive to a store that's already open, hoping he'll be back in time to surprise her with his cooking. And then the car runs out of gas. What to do? Call a cab? Look for a store around here, or a gas station? Sneak up to the truck over there and steal some gas, hoping the burly driver doesn't notice? Where to get a rubber funnel?"
Also important: dialogue. It is possible to write a story with little or no dialogue, and of course a lot of literature does it. But if you write a thrilling genre story (or try to, at least), then dialogue means life. It's always good when you have at least some moment where people talk. Plus, a handy trick I use for dialogue (when I have the time, which can be a problem in CDM): Think of what the person wants to say, literally. You could use this, but that's bad dialogue. Now think of a means to convey the meaning of what's to be said, but saying something else, and fitting for the character who says it.
For example, a waiter spills wine over a man's shirt. The man wants to say, "My shirt is wet, perhaps ruined. You idiot!" He might say, "I always thought waiters mustn't be blind." or "You know, that shirt costs more than you make in a week." or even "I don't think the color of the wine suits my eyes, do you?". Perhaps "My, candid camera has really lost is touch.", "Actually, I wanted to drink it" or "To my best knowledge, it's milk you bath in, not wine." "Doesn't matter. Just tell the manager to fire you." "Who sent you? The Mazzeroni family?"
Finally, dialogue is a very easy way of lengthening your story if you feel it needs fleshing out.
Anyway, here's some quick comments on the entries.
Forever lasts too long for those in love (by tadk)
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I liked it. There are many shi
Fts (bad spelling mistake!) in narrative time, though, and I'm not sure it was intentional. I also thought until the end that Cat was actually a bringer of catastrophes, a mythical being, and by extension that she'd intentionally kill Vik. The death, by the way, is totally X-File-worthy. Others may see it as far-fetched; not me. Pics were alright: The death stare was good, the catastrophy scene mediocre, and I couldn't wrap my head around the epilogue, so I can't really say anything about the final pic with the wheelchair.
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Be Not Afraid (by Roger)
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Nice, really nice. The final sentence is too hokey; at least delete the "babe", since it's the first time it's used, anyhow. It just rings false. Other than that, quite nice, though Jack handles his hate eruption very well. Plus: is he disfigured? From "exploding fireworks" I thought he probably was, and I'm also not sure about the demony thing's actions: It grants Alex power in exchange for rigging up a possibly-lethal accident, and then it feels bad because it never considered the other end? Picture use was fine, though not spectacular. The wheelchair pic is great, the film set pic is random window dressing that may have inspired you where to set the story, but takes no important part in the story, itself. The zombie face is nice.
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Untitled (by Linderel)
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Congratulations for advancing to round 2
I'm not sure about this story. It's got a nice idea grounding it, but I'm left feeling confused. What's happened here that you want to tell us? "The day Robin stole Gojira"? It's not even a magically miniaturized Gojira that will grow to normal size now that it's out of the house. Don't get me wrong: I really like the house on the cliffs, where the mad scientists live. But why did Annie need Robin's help? The mushrooms were already alive, weren't they? So I don't know why Annie had Robin come over, what Robin wants or needs to do, there's no change in the story, no real conflict, but a nice setting. The pics are alright; Gojira doesn't have an important role other than to introduce us to the scientist girl, the house fits, but in the end, they could be anywhere. The mushrooms are a nice centerpiece, but other than the idea of living shrooms, they also have no purpose.
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To whom it may concern (by yangnome)
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This was too obvious to me, I just wasn't entirely sure Jonathan wouldn't simply kill himself. It's a nice story, and a nice (if not new) idea. But to me, any point you may have made was blocked out by the final two paragraphs. I don't need to be told that Jonathan doesn't know the beauty queen – it's a beauty contest, after all. I don't need to be told thrice that all he wants is for us to understand. That goes without saying, or he wouldn't have written the letter. And the closing is like taking a hammer and hitting me over the head until my brain's in my feet. I get it. But it's nicely written. And I really liked you didn't come out and clear up Pam's actions. Did she convert to teasing him to protect herself? Or was she really that mean from the beginning? Pics were good. I hadn't even noticed the "L" on Pam's forehead before you used the pic. The beauty contest is late in the story and not really in the story, but a foreshadowing, but it fits thematically. The picture of Jonathan is an example of when you [general you, the writers] needn't describe too much. At this point, I was anticipating to see how he looked, and how ugly and alien-y he was, that words wouldn't have been able to convey it as much as the picture did. Nice one. Now, if you had a conflict or something like that, or some dialogue...
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After Shock (by Kassiopeia)
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I'm confused. This reads like a small chapter from a much longer story, and, like yangnome, it doesn't really have any dialogue (except for the very end) or real conflict. Yeah, "he" wants to get rid of his aftershock-effects, but we don't really know who he is, where he is, what the shock is or what his after-effects are – so why should we care? And a little respite for "him" comes at the end, simply by chance. There's a lot going on, some Matrix-like environment, sort of as if this was how people who took the blue pill and then got back into the Matrix might see it. But that's in the background. Flesh out the central story, make this thing bigger, and you'll make it better. Picture use is shaky. Does "he" really look like that, or is it his perception? Why does the drill help him? These two pictures feel like they are at the right place, I just don't know why. Give me more. The parade is off-hand, and is just there to get the pic into the story somehow, anyhow.
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Mission Improbable (by Rpjunkie)
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A nice idea of making the winged creature our protagonist. But I'm confused. Do they all go to our world, or is there still magic, and the fleeing man knows why the strike team has come? Is the bubble truly magic, or simply some rock concert effect misinterpreted? And is the end when the bubbled man wakes up, or was it truly just a dream? For a first story, there's definitely promise here. It just needs some fine-tuning. The pics are mixed. As I said, I liked making the creature our hero, even though we never get his name. The bubble guy is confusing because I'm not sure which way to interpret it, but at least it *is* the quest item MacGuffin. The lighthouse... well, there's a lighthouse at the end. That's all.
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The Case of the Missing Beacon (by GuardianLurker)
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Start with the end: The final sentence is a nice idea, but to truly work this story would have had to be much darker in tone, more cynical. Still, a Hammett-nod is appreciated.
Sadly, this story is just a course of events, not very tense. The detective finds traces of Legion, goes there, is caught, teleports easily out, solves the mystery by a combination of wild guesses (when Legion claims it lost something, too) and divination spells, the end. Even the clue-finding is quite easy. What you did was show perfectly well why certain D&D spells can make crafting a challenging adventure difficult. The pics were shaky, too. The lighthouse is alright, because I can follow Celestia having these things, and it's the place where the beacon was kept. The guard... she's there, but she doesn't really add anything to the story except be demoted. And the Celestial Globe of Protection – well, it seems like it'd end up somewhere, but after a mere sentence or two of dialogue, Pade plane shifts away.
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