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Fall Ceramic DM - Final Round Judgment Posted!
- Thread starter mythago
- Start date
mythago
Hero
mythago
FireLance – “Transparent As a Stone”
Great use of “atcha” as the human mimicking an alien gesture. The gardengoyle was a bit of a throwaway, I thought. The real sense I got from this story was a description of an adventure; I didn’t feel as though the heroes were really threatened. Challenged, yes, but nothing they can’t defeat with a little extra effort. We also don’t get much of a sense of the heroes as much more than units in the psi strike force.
Piratecat – “Gallery”
There’s a good horror story in here, but it needs some trimming. Mondarian is far too overblown as the obnoxious artiste who gets what’s coming to him; the backstory about Celia having been an honors student at the same time as the annoying artist; not one, but two generators mysteriously failing; the cellphone getting dropped and crunching (wouldn’t it just lose the battery?) and so on.
Interestingly, I think the horror behind the green curtains (nice use, by the way) works better if one doesn’t know what the Three Kings are. More menacing.
My vote this round goes to Piratecat.
Maldur
Gods, difficult
FireLance: psionic fantasy cops, high power, impressively open minded guardsman, an evil "artiste" and a happy ending
Piratecat: A annoying "artiste", a sceptical "artiste", a talking statue, and evil art.
Now what makes is hard to decide: Firelances story has flow. You read it and you see what’s going on, it is cinematic in that regard. While Piratecat’s story is not as "easy" only in the second time I read it the pieces started coming together. But then I liked the story better, just not the complexity.
So am I going for better flow of the story, or better storyline. Do I go for the action story or the arty story.
Firelance gets my vote, PC's story is just too complex IMNSHO.
Berandor
1986: Ivan Lendl has reached the Wimbledon Finals. Having never won this tourney, he fights desperately, but loses to consecutive winner Boris Becker.
1987: Lendl reaches the finals again. This time, he faces Australian Pat Cash, a player that is not among the top 100 players in the world. Lendl, lacking only the Wimbledon title, loses again - a sensation. He would never win this tournament.
2004: Piratecat has reached the finals of the Ceramic DM contest. Despite strong entries, he has yet to win the tournament, and rumors abound that he is cursed. He faces FireLance, a newcomer in Ceramic DM. Will FireLance be Piratecat's Pat Cash?
Let's find out.
FireLance: "Transparent As A Stone"
A short story, which in itself isn't bad, but I felt a little more detail would have helped your story this time around. Oh, and lest I orget it, aside from the blob, you had no female characters.
You describe a world where seemingly everyone has a psi-talent. That's ine in itself, but your description doesn't put any limitations on these powers. Aside from the unpredictability of premonitions, everything else is just fine. Movers can lift as much wood as they want without straining, mind links are established without problems, and so on. There's no real sense of the characters pushing their boundaries in any way, and so I don't feel they have overcome grave danger in the end, at all.
That might also lie in the abruptness of the ending. You give us a James Bond villian, complete with overlong speech. Then, suddenly you bring up the rescuing little blob. It would be better if you let us see the blob sneaking up to the mask, and then have Xander consciously try to keep the villain talking. And the ending itself is like the previous ending, somewhat abrupt. It just ends. Maybe you should write a novel?
Also, there were a few things that left me wondering. What exactly is the chain of events here? Alistar summons the blob, and the next thing is the blob is crashing into the armory? Didn't Alistar take precautions to keep the creature long enough for him to control it? Why did it attack the armory, of all places? And the gardengoyle? What does Reanjir say to a metalllic blob enveloping him, forming his armor but also being easily able to try and suffocate him? Why does Goff apologize in that manner- how does Goff even know how to apologize that way?
The plot behind your story, and the dynamics of an all-psion strike team are both fine. But this story is very much a first draft only, a framework of the basics. It seems the time limit has struck again.
However, the promise behind your entry is strong enough that if you chose to make a second draft from it, I'd be very interested.
Piratecat: "Gallery"
I liked - or better, disliked - "Mondarian". Boy, did he deserve what he got.
A dark story with a light turnaround in the end. The final twist was very unexpected. I was already seeing Celia cutting her own eyes out to find the door, when she remembers the ventilation shaft. But couldn't the pieces of art escape through this shaft - at least some of them?
I think it takes a little long for the story to really get started. The gist of it all is the room of art objects, but when we reach it, the story is two thirds over. There's too much time spent on arguing about the pig.
Also, you're very inconsistent in signaling and using Celia's thoughts. You have "Ramp up the bullshi... excuse me, professionalism" (emphasis mine) in the middle of a third person description. Then you have "In this case, Celia thought to herself.." and similar descriptions until finalls, you use italics for her thoughts - which in itself is confusing the first time you use it, because I took it as the gargoyle's mindspeak at first.
Now, the fact that Celia uses her cellphone as a light source is a great touch.
The consciousness inside of Mondarian was creepy, again, mostly in the small ideas ("Look at us. We're dancing.") When the three kings resurfaced, things got really creepy, but I wonder whether that wasn't simply due to your previous story. I also liked that not all objects were dangerous, but some in fact quite helpful.
In the end, we leave our heroine staring into the snowy night. Maybe she should lit a cigarette as well - it just would fit. A refreshingly mundane ending, I thought. However, what happens to the secret art chamber? As I see it, it's still there to catch another worker late at night and unsuspecting. And this time, no gargoyle statue will come to the rescue. That this danger was left uinresolved irks me somewhat. It's a nice entry, but I still think "Jabberwockies" was your best this year. (Snicker-Snack, hehe)
The Pictures
When I saw the pictures, I thought they might make a nice story, but what rubbed me the wrong way was "atcha". That really spoiled anything I might have thought of in the first moments - before I reminded myself I didn't have to come up with something. Curiously, I think you both struggled with this pic, as well. Naturally, it's got hands.
atcha
- Piratecat shows us "Mondarian" making a dismissive gesture towards Celia. However, it's a very, very strange dismissal, more dictated by the pic than naturally evolved.
- At least we can't fathom whether FireLance's apology is strange, since metallic globes are bound to have different gestures. Still, it might have been better to show one of the psi team apologize, since I can't understand why Goff does it later on.
gardengoyle
- Firelance uses the pic as a statue in Troll Park, which is promptly toppled and nearly smashed. Although that gives us more interaction with it, it's not as much as I would have liked to really give weight to the pic.
- Piratecat's gargoyle ("name's Johnny. Johnny Stone.") is a helpful magic object of art. It's worth about fifty bucks, but its help is priceless. The gargoyle is a good use, considering its history and the extent of its presence.
lightshow
- Piratecat makes this set-up into a malevolent artefact that catches the attention of our would-be artiste Mondarian. This artefact is the major villain of the piece, although it tries to free the Three Kings, as well. Good use.
- Curiously, Firelance also makes this piece the villain of his story. It's a memorial for the most powerful empath of the recent past (even though Reanjir doesn't know the name), having bound his spirit into the grinning mask.
something green
- In Firelance's entry, these are windows made from ground stone, used as a calling focus to get the blob into Xander's world. A little more detail might have given them more prominence, for example having the Porter to decipher the magical runes on them before sending the creatures back.
- These pieces of cloth hide the Three Kings, perhaps the most dangerous art in the whole room. While we have seen the Kings in action, Ceilia gets a hint at their power as well. As I said, I'm not sure how great the menace would be without knowing the previous story, but knowing it, you were desperately hoping Celia wouldn't draw back
the curtains.
flight
- In "gallery", Celia experiences apotheosis, becoming air. All the air. She can see everything at once, and she even manages to cut off air supply for her assailant. A very metaphorical use. I liked it!
- FireLance uses the pic as the blob's first image of Xander's world. Coming through the glass windows, light streaming off, maybe Alistar's visage in the background. It's a very foreign concept of perception.
glass
- In "Transparent as a Stone", these are metallic globes ripped from a different world. They've been caught in a prison of wood, since they can't dissolve organic materials. In a way, they remind me of the T1000 in Terminator 2. Here, Xander and his team find out the big globe has been pregnant and just given birth. A fine use, especially since it
puts a new spin on the pic. (a mother and her child)
- Piratecat shows us the art object that enables Ceilia's apotheosis, a magic item forged by a Cabbalist. The strangeness of the pic enhances the image of a strange artefact and uses it for the better of the story.
Judgement
Story-wise, I felt Piratecat had a good advantage over FireLance. While the latter uses "glass" in a unique way, I felt that the rest of the pics were at least a draw, if not a point for Piratecat.
Also, Piratecat describes the pics in the narrative, whereas FireLance only links to them and makes "pure readers" wonder what they look like.
In PC's previous story, I already hinted that I don't like that; PC came through because he used it to give the reader another level of understanding, a second narrative, so to speak. You could read the story with either wizard's perspective. But here, the lack of
description doesn't work to such an advantage. I think you shouldn't let the pictures speak for your story, but enhance your description with them whilst concurrently enhancing them with your narrative.
I hope I didn't come off as too harsh, especially in this my final judgement, and once more I'd like to thank all participants for their stories, which were all at the very least promising and entertaining and ranged to the magnificient. I hope to see one or the other next time. This time, I give my
.
FireLance – “Transparent As a Stone”
Great use of “atcha” as the human mimicking an alien gesture. The gardengoyle was a bit of a throwaway, I thought. The real sense I got from this story was a description of an adventure; I didn’t feel as though the heroes were really threatened. Challenged, yes, but nothing they can’t defeat with a little extra effort. We also don’t get much of a sense of the heroes as much more than units in the psi strike force.
Piratecat – “Gallery”
There’s a good horror story in here, but it needs some trimming. Mondarian is far too overblown as the obnoxious artiste who gets what’s coming to him; the backstory about Celia having been an honors student at the same time as the annoying artist; not one, but two generators mysteriously failing; the cellphone getting dropped and crunching (wouldn’t it just lose the battery?) and so on.
Interestingly, I think the horror behind the green curtains (nice use, by the way) works better if one doesn’t know what the Three Kings are. More menacing.
My vote this round goes to Piratecat.
Maldur
Gods, difficult
FireLance: psionic fantasy cops, high power, impressively open minded guardsman, an evil "artiste" and a happy ending
Piratecat: A annoying "artiste", a sceptical "artiste", a talking statue, and evil art.
Now what makes is hard to decide: Firelances story has flow. You read it and you see what’s going on, it is cinematic in that regard. While Piratecat’s story is not as "easy" only in the second time I read it the pieces started coming together. But then I liked the story better, just not the complexity.
So am I going for better flow of the story, or better storyline. Do I go for the action story or the arty story.
Firelance gets my vote, PC's story is just too complex IMNSHO.
Berandor
1986: Ivan Lendl has reached the Wimbledon Finals. Having never won this tourney, he fights desperately, but loses to consecutive winner Boris Becker.
1987: Lendl reaches the finals again. This time, he faces Australian Pat Cash, a player that is not among the top 100 players in the world. Lendl, lacking only the Wimbledon title, loses again - a sensation. He would never win this tournament.
2004: Piratecat has reached the finals of the Ceramic DM contest. Despite strong entries, he has yet to win the tournament, and rumors abound that he is cursed. He faces FireLance, a newcomer in Ceramic DM. Will FireLance be Piratecat's Pat Cash?
Let's find out.
FireLance: "Transparent As A Stone"
A short story, which in itself isn't bad, but I felt a little more detail would have helped your story this time around. Oh, and lest I orget it, aside from the blob, you had no female characters.
You describe a world where seemingly everyone has a psi-talent. That's ine in itself, but your description doesn't put any limitations on these powers. Aside from the unpredictability of premonitions, everything else is just fine. Movers can lift as much wood as they want without straining, mind links are established without problems, and so on. There's no real sense of the characters pushing their boundaries in any way, and so I don't feel they have overcome grave danger in the end, at all.
That might also lie in the abruptness of the ending. You give us a James Bond villian, complete with overlong speech. Then, suddenly you bring up the rescuing little blob. It would be better if you let us see the blob sneaking up to the mask, and then have Xander consciously try to keep the villain talking. And the ending itself is like the previous ending, somewhat abrupt. It just ends. Maybe you should write a novel?
Also, there were a few things that left me wondering. What exactly is the chain of events here? Alistar summons the blob, and the next thing is the blob is crashing into the armory? Didn't Alistar take precautions to keep the creature long enough for him to control it? Why did it attack the armory, of all places? And the gardengoyle? What does Reanjir say to a metalllic blob enveloping him, forming his armor but also being easily able to try and suffocate him? Why does Goff apologize in that manner- how does Goff even know how to apologize that way?
The plot behind your story, and the dynamics of an all-psion strike team are both fine. But this story is very much a first draft only, a framework of the basics. It seems the time limit has struck again.
However, the promise behind your entry is strong enough that if you chose to make a second draft from it, I'd be very interested.
Piratecat: "Gallery"
I liked - or better, disliked - "Mondarian". Boy, did he deserve what he got.
A dark story with a light turnaround in the end. The final twist was very unexpected. I was already seeing Celia cutting her own eyes out to find the door, when she remembers the ventilation shaft. But couldn't the pieces of art escape through this shaft - at least some of them?
I think it takes a little long for the story to really get started. The gist of it all is the room of art objects, but when we reach it, the story is two thirds over. There's too much time spent on arguing about the pig.
Also, you're very inconsistent in signaling and using Celia's thoughts. You have "Ramp up the bullshi... excuse me, professionalism" (emphasis mine) in the middle of a third person description. Then you have "In this case, Celia thought to herself.." and similar descriptions until finalls, you use italics for her thoughts - which in itself is confusing the first time you use it, because I took it as the gargoyle's mindspeak at first.
Now, the fact that Celia uses her cellphone as a light source is a great touch.
The consciousness inside of Mondarian was creepy, again, mostly in the small ideas ("Look at us. We're dancing.") When the three kings resurfaced, things got really creepy, but I wonder whether that wasn't simply due to your previous story. I also liked that not all objects were dangerous, but some in fact quite helpful.
In the end, we leave our heroine staring into the snowy night. Maybe she should lit a cigarette as well - it just would fit. A refreshingly mundane ending, I thought. However, what happens to the secret art chamber? As I see it, it's still there to catch another worker late at night and unsuspecting. And this time, no gargoyle statue will come to the rescue. That this danger was left uinresolved irks me somewhat. It's a nice entry, but I still think "Jabberwockies" was your best this year. (Snicker-Snack, hehe)
The Pictures
When I saw the pictures, I thought they might make a nice story, but what rubbed me the wrong way was "atcha". That really spoiled anything I might have thought of in the first moments - before I reminded myself I didn't have to come up with something. Curiously, I think you both struggled with this pic, as well. Naturally, it's got hands.
atcha
- Piratecat shows us "Mondarian" making a dismissive gesture towards Celia. However, it's a very, very strange dismissal, more dictated by the pic than naturally evolved.
- At least we can't fathom whether FireLance's apology is strange, since metallic globes are bound to have different gestures. Still, it might have been better to show one of the psi team apologize, since I can't understand why Goff does it later on.
gardengoyle
- Firelance uses the pic as a statue in Troll Park, which is promptly toppled and nearly smashed. Although that gives us more interaction with it, it's not as much as I would have liked to really give weight to the pic.
- Piratecat's gargoyle ("name's Johnny. Johnny Stone.") is a helpful magic object of art. It's worth about fifty bucks, but its help is priceless. The gargoyle is a good use, considering its history and the extent of its presence.
lightshow
- Piratecat makes this set-up into a malevolent artefact that catches the attention of our would-be artiste Mondarian. This artefact is the major villain of the piece, although it tries to free the Three Kings, as well. Good use.
- Curiously, Firelance also makes this piece the villain of his story. It's a memorial for the most powerful empath of the recent past (even though Reanjir doesn't know the name), having bound his spirit into the grinning mask.
something green
- In Firelance's entry, these are windows made from ground stone, used as a calling focus to get the blob into Xander's world. A little more detail might have given them more prominence, for example having the Porter to decipher the magical runes on them before sending the creatures back.
- These pieces of cloth hide the Three Kings, perhaps the most dangerous art in the whole room. While we have seen the Kings in action, Ceilia gets a hint at their power as well. As I said, I'm not sure how great the menace would be without knowing the previous story, but knowing it, you were desperately hoping Celia wouldn't draw back
the curtains.
flight
- In "gallery", Celia experiences apotheosis, becoming air. All the air. She can see everything at once, and she even manages to cut off air supply for her assailant. A very metaphorical use. I liked it!
- FireLance uses the pic as the blob's first image of Xander's world. Coming through the glass windows, light streaming off, maybe Alistar's visage in the background. It's a very foreign concept of perception.
glass
- In "Transparent as a Stone", these are metallic globes ripped from a different world. They've been caught in a prison of wood, since they can't dissolve organic materials. In a way, they remind me of the T1000 in Terminator 2. Here, Xander and his team find out the big globe has been pregnant and just given birth. A fine use, especially since it
puts a new spin on the pic. (a mother and her child)
- Piratecat shows us the art object that enables Ceilia's apotheosis, a magic item forged by a Cabbalist. The strangeness of the pic enhances the image of a strange artefact and uses it for the better of the story.
Judgement
Story-wise, I felt Piratecat had a good advantage over FireLance. While the latter uses "glass" in a unique way, I felt that the rest of the pics were at least a draw, if not a point for Piratecat.
Also, Piratecat describes the pics in the narrative, whereas FireLance only links to them and makes "pure readers" wonder what they look like.
In PC's previous story, I already hinted that I don't like that; PC came through because he used it to give the reader another level of understanding, a second narrative, so to speak. You could read the story with either wizard's perspective. But here, the lack of
description doesn't work to such an advantage. I think you shouldn't let the pictures speak for your story, but enhance your description with them whilst concurrently enhancing them with your narrative.
I hope I didn't come off as too harsh, especially in this my final judgement, and once more I'd like to thank all participants for their stories, which were all at the very least promising and entertaining and ranged to the magnificient. I hope to see one or the other next time. This time, I give my
VOTE TO PIRATECAT
Last edited:
BSF
Explorer
Wow, my first return to the thread in over a month. Congrats on the win!
My personal apologies out to Mythago. Sorry I didn't keep up there. I thought I would be good if I got past my wife possibly needing surgery. Instead, I also had a death in the family as well as a couple of out of town trips. It's been a rough season and I just couldn't muster the energy to the Ceramic DM like I have in the past. I am pulling for a drama-free christmas season and then hoping next year will go a bit better.
On the positive side, I have a bunch of stories to read and cross-link into the FAQ thread.
My personal apologies out to Mythago. Sorry I didn't keep up there. I thought I would be good if I got past my wife possibly needing surgery. Instead, I also had a death in the family as well as a couple of out of town trips. It's been a rough season and I just couldn't muster the energy to the Ceramic DM like I have in the past. I am pulling for a drama-free christmas season and then hoping next year will go a bit better.
On the positive side, I have a bunch of stories to read and cross-link into the FAQ thread.
Maldur
First Post
I like to say something on the how I judge:
First of all I look at all the pics, then I read the stories.
I look at a few things:
Can I "see" the pictures again, if I read the story.
DOes the story flow. Is it a comfertable read (a bit nebulous, but some stories just make it hard for me to read, a nice example of this is poem, I just cant read those.)
As these are short stories I think it should be usefull to know my ideas about those: A short story has one limit...it is short. IMNSHO, they should do the following (or have some elements, there are stories outside this, I just use it as a benchmark)
A short story, does have only few locales/scenes.
The characters introduction is important, as there is not alot of time to gain more insight into the char.
The "idea" of the story is important. I like twists in ideas
More if I can put it to words
First of all I look at all the pics, then I read the stories.
I look at a few things:
Can I "see" the pictures again, if I read the story.
DOes the story flow. Is it a comfertable read (a bit nebulous, but some stories just make it hard for me to read, a nice example of this is poem, I just cant read those.)
As these are short stories I think it should be usefull to know my ideas about those: A short story has one limit...it is short. IMNSHO, they should do the following (or have some elements, there are stories outside this, I just use it as a benchmark)
A short story, does have only few locales/scenes.
The characters introduction is important, as there is not alot of time to gain more insight into the char.
The "idea" of the story is important. I like twists in ideas
More if I can put it to words
