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NOW LIVE! Into the Woods--new character species, eerie monsters, and haunting villains to populate the woodlands of your D&D games.
Fall Ceramic DM - Final Round Judgment Posted!
- Thread starter mythago
- Start date
Maldur
First Post
Judgement send 
I just hioope they arrive, I was not to sure about the email adres, and Im at work, so I could just reply to earlier email (lazy me)
Intuitive judging is fast, I did spend a few hours on some decesions this time though, it was very close for some.
Great job, all of you!
I just hioope they arrive, I was not to sure about the email adres, and Im at work, so I could just reply to earlier email (lazy me)
Intuitive judging is fast, I did spend a few hours on some decesions this time though, it was very close for some.
Great job, all of you!
mythago
Hero
Round 1.4 – Eluvan vs. RangerWickett
Berandor
RangerWickett: Hunger
It is a very mythical tale, in a world where metaphors are given literal meaning, and Hunger takes the form of an emaciated sheep. RangerWickett succeeds at showing us a desolate place, where the sky burns, food is scarce, and the heat "boil(s) dew to searing steam" (great line!). There is a lot that is good about the story; not least of which is its deeper meaning, resonating within me long after I read it.
I smiled at how Rawann perceives his feast: "an entire bat, free from rot". The fact that it is an entire bat is almost unbelievable to him, as is the feeling of fulness that follows. I also enjoyed how he devours his beetles while the other adults look on good-naturedly at his greed.
"a strange platter of crisp, curled strips of meat." o.k, maybe I've read too many Story Hours, but I immediately think of human flesh. I'm also expecting a dark turn - will he turn into a ghoul? Of course, RangerWickett has other things in mind. Hunger is a spiritual story, a parable that might be told by future shamans to young children. "This is our body." the shaman says, and means it. (oh, and "ouch!") And then, he speaks the words we'd miss if not for Pandaweth's warning (well, truth be told, I paid them little heed despite). A nice little touch is how Rawann deems it strange when he suddenly feels neither hungry nor full, having yet to experience such a feeling. I must also commend the boy for running three days straight - not a measly feat -, even though he starts to forget his home after this mere three days.
What follows is a myth (told by Hunger). Sadly, I didn't quite grasp the meaning of it, "dreamborn son" and all, and I'm still not sure where this tale fits with the rest of the story. But the introduction to thesheep is wonderful: "a noble, peaceful creature... with sorrowful black eyes. It stood on four legs, its heavy white coat stirring in the mountain gales." I must admit I'd have killed Hunger, too, so afterwards I wasn't sure whether Rawann had succeeded or not, even though I feared for the worst. The difference between the shaman and Rawann's father was well-conceived, and the closing words - as I already mentioned - stayed with me for a goodly time afterwards.
Still, Rawann himself remained aloof to me, filling the role of exemplary youth without coming alive himself. He's just there to show us the Trial of Hunger, we don't know much else about him or, by extension, the rest of the village. Also, the remark about how "the weakness of flesh has its benefits, though they could no longer enjoy them." somehow went past me. The only benefit I could detect in the story was feeling full, and that was a benefit the villagers won't likely have very often, anyway, so why they'd "appreciate" it, I don't know.
Still, a very, very fine entry. Thank you very much, RangerWickett. -
Eluvan: A token gesture
The "strong references to drug use" turned out to be not as bad as I had feared (hey, Germany's right next to the Netherlands), but I appreciate the warning, anyway.
Now, I loved your style! I guess a lot of people may find it too complicated, with overlong sentences and obscure vocabulary, and faced with "At night, Olivia was alone but for her cat who purred and rubbed himself incessantly against her legs as she tried fruitlessly to read the book she had settled down with." - I would have to agree.
Fortunately, you also give us sentences like the following examples (I'd like to quote the whole beginning, but that'd be too much): "It seemed that if only one knew its relevance, this sheep held the answer to kinds of questions." "This question seemed to Daniel so pressing and pertinent that he muttered it out loud, and then scratched his nose and meditated upon it." It doesn't always work (and indeed, you run the risk of confusing the reader), but when it works - I love it!
The story itself drifts along like thoughts in a hung-over mind - fitting, but still it all seemed covered by a gray haze, never becoming really focused to me. You insert tension into the story that is never resolved. Daniel's got 12 hours to pay for the coke - that's what gets us going - but whether he pays them or not, and how, is never explored.
Another problem is that of Daniel's sudden change for good is too sharp a turn, at least the way I see him: "he'd never really got out of the habit of the high life... even if it was now beyond his means" as well as "he always seemed to find a way to work things out somehow" don't let on that Daniel feels reluctant or regretful about his life, and "It was a lie... He was prone to such impulsive acts" only reinforces my impression that he would, and might have done, some morally questionable things to finance his life style. His sudden bout of morals comes too surprising to me to really believe in it.
There is also some stretched credibility in the story, especially concerning Olivia. That it is her who happens upon Daniel is coincidence enough, but that Daniel also finds her home without even knowing her last name is far beyond what I can normally take as a reader, especially since it is not explained away somehow.
On the other hand, the whole sequence with Olivia was very good. The silence in the car - she perhaps a little insecure about the kiss they shared and his appearance, he anxious about his drug use - as well as the moments at the beach... classic.
"The sky an ominous deep grey, with odd shafts of sunlight piercing the clouds and lancing down to earth in radiant glory" - wonderful!
"It was mere chance that led him to put his hands into his trouser pockets... and discover there..." This, on the other hand, doesn't work as good. "Mere chance" that he puts his hands into his pockets? Isn't that something you sometimes? And the brooch isn't exactly "discovered", as he already found it at the beginning of the story.
The switch to Olivia's perspective was a little jarring, and before I could orientate myself, the story is over. It would have been better to stay with Daniel or introduce this perspective earlier. The note was a nice touch, though it left some things unresolved, for example whether "Goodbye" was meant as a suicide note (even an indirect suicide if Daniel visits his dealer without the money). Still, also a story that I really enjoyed. I humbly offer my gratitude to you
The Pics
Dangerous but Fluffy - the Sheep of Doom
- Eluvan's sheep, though mayhaps blessed with infinite wisdom, still is mostly window dressing when Daniel wakes up from drug haze. That must be jarring, if not scarring.
- RangerWickett gives us Hunger, turning a "noble creature" into a sad being worthy of our compassion, and a focal point for the story. Plus, in the end, another sheep eats its way Alien-like out of Rawann's body.
Bleary Eyes
-RangerWickett has Rawann glance upon a throng of dancing villagers, with what seems to be Pandaweth in focus. Not the strongest of his uses, as even Pandaweth remains a side figure throughout (she she seems to smell strongly, though).
- Eluvan has the object of this pic be Olivia, also a possible companion for the hero that stays alone in the end. While Olivia does have a more central role, and is more fleshed out than her counterpart, the pic appears in a short flashback that seems only to exist for the pic alone.
Brooch (come on now, people! Isn't that a shell? Or am I blind? Seriously, brooch is alright with me.)
- Eluvan's brooch not only wakes our hero before the rose in his button hole is devoured by the sage sheep, but it also brings about Daniel's turn to goodness. The built-in homing device (I suspect) also allows Daniel to locate Olivia's home.
- RangerWickett's brooch shields Rawann from pain and hunger (and Hunger trying to chew its way out of his intestines) - until Rawann's father disposes him of it.
The Wall
- In "Hunger", the wooden fence with an ad on it transforms into a forbidding black wall of stone, tar, oil and shaman skulls, making Rawann at least 10 feet tall in perspective.
- Eluvan's Daniel looks upon the fence together with Olivia (and/or, while she's gazing at him sideways), and regains his composure. It is here Daniel manages to break his cycle of self-destruction, returning the brooch to its owner.
The judgement
Now, where are we?
We have a stylistically impressive story about redemption, and a mythical parable about mercy.
Eluvan's story is good, but I would have liked it to take more risks in its proceeding, as well as to have a better conclusion. RangerWickett, on the other hand, didn't bring his hero alive to me, but left me thinking about the story afterwards - a great accomplishment for something written on such time constraints.
So, I award my POINT TO
, as well as another heartfelt "wow". I'm looking forward to your next entry, should you advance.
Maldur
RangerWickett
Morality tale, a bit gruesome, but it did show a different outlook on a life with magic, and sarcifice. You could almost scream at the kid when he went wrong.
Eluvan
For me this story read a bit wrong, Im not sure what it was but the flow was off. Could be personal preference I don’t know. But it just didn’t sing. I liked the idea, the reconstruction of the day gone by.
My point goes to RangerWicket
Mythago
RangerWickett – Hunger
Nice integration of the sheep and wall, decent use of the dancers, eh use of the flower/brooch thing. It’s an unusual shape; why is this food-obsessed society picking something so un-food-related and strange?
I thought the results of the ‘test’ were a bit odd. Wouldn’t they lose an awful lot of kids that way? If nothing else, they’ve been raised all their lives not to let meat keep walking around. That said, the evocation of the mood and atmosphere was wonderful: the bat free of rot, the hungry children, the adults cutting strips of their own flesh happily, the bleak and blasted landscape. If it was meant to be a downer of a no-win situation, though, I’d like to have seen that failure hinted at a little more. As presented, the ending reminded me of one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books where turning to page 37 means instant death for no apparent reason other than plot.
Eluvan – A Token Gesture
A nice, compact little narrative. Use of the pin and the women pictures was very well-done. The sheep was really a bit of a throwaway; it’s the first thing Daniel sees but it’s pretty much window-dressing. I felt that the story was uneven and, in places, a little incredible—I found it very hard to believe that Olivia would just happen to drive past the strange guy who paid her and her friends’ way the night before, happily let him (dirt and all) into her car, and drive him around. Daniel’s sudden reversal from high-living drug dealer to contrite and moral was awfully fast. For love of Olivia? He did *just* meet her, and it didn’t seem real to me that a largely amoral high-roller would have an attack of conscience about a piece of jewelry.
Which is to say, I liked the beginning, I liked the end, I wanted to see more in the middle that got us from one to the other. The length wasn’t a problem; the detail was.
I give the nod this round to
Congratulations to you both, and
Berandor
RangerWickett: Hunger
It is a very mythical tale, in a world where metaphors are given literal meaning, and Hunger takes the form of an emaciated sheep. RangerWickett succeeds at showing us a desolate place, where the sky burns, food is scarce, and the heat "boil(s) dew to searing steam" (great line!). There is a lot that is good about the story; not least of which is its deeper meaning, resonating within me long after I read it.
I smiled at how Rawann perceives his feast: "an entire bat, free from rot". The fact that it is an entire bat is almost unbelievable to him, as is the feeling of fulness that follows. I also enjoyed how he devours his beetles while the other adults look on good-naturedly at his greed.
"a strange platter of crisp, curled strips of meat." o.k, maybe I've read too many Story Hours, but I immediately think of human flesh. I'm also expecting a dark turn - will he turn into a ghoul? Of course, RangerWickett has other things in mind. Hunger is a spiritual story, a parable that might be told by future shamans to young children. "This is our body." the shaman says, and means it. (oh, and "ouch!") And then, he speaks the words we'd miss if not for Pandaweth's warning (well, truth be told, I paid them little heed despite). A nice little touch is how Rawann deems it strange when he suddenly feels neither hungry nor full, having yet to experience such a feeling. I must also commend the boy for running three days straight - not a measly feat -, even though he starts to forget his home after this mere three days.
What follows is a myth (told by Hunger). Sadly, I didn't quite grasp the meaning of it, "dreamborn son" and all, and I'm still not sure where this tale fits with the rest of the story. But the introduction to thesheep is wonderful: "a noble, peaceful creature... with sorrowful black eyes. It stood on four legs, its heavy white coat stirring in the mountain gales." I must admit I'd have killed Hunger, too, so afterwards I wasn't sure whether Rawann had succeeded or not, even though I feared for the worst. The difference between the shaman and Rawann's father was well-conceived, and the closing words - as I already mentioned - stayed with me for a goodly time afterwards.
Still, Rawann himself remained aloof to me, filling the role of exemplary youth without coming alive himself. He's just there to show us the Trial of Hunger, we don't know much else about him or, by extension, the rest of the village. Also, the remark about how "the weakness of flesh has its benefits, though they could no longer enjoy them." somehow went past me. The only benefit I could detect in the story was feeling full, and that was a benefit the villagers won't likely have very often, anyway, so why they'd "appreciate" it, I don't know.
Still, a very, very fine entry. Thank you very much, RangerWickett. -
Eluvan: A token gesture
The "strong references to drug use" turned out to be not as bad as I had feared (hey, Germany's right next to the Netherlands), but I appreciate the warning, anyway.
Now, I loved your style! I guess a lot of people may find it too complicated, with overlong sentences and obscure vocabulary, and faced with "At night, Olivia was alone but for her cat who purred and rubbed himself incessantly against her legs as she tried fruitlessly to read the book she had settled down with." - I would have to agree.
Fortunately, you also give us sentences like the following examples (I'd like to quote the whole beginning, but that'd be too much): "It seemed that if only one knew its relevance, this sheep held the answer to kinds of questions." "This question seemed to Daniel so pressing and pertinent that he muttered it out loud, and then scratched his nose and meditated upon it." It doesn't always work (and indeed, you run the risk of confusing the reader), but when it works - I love it!
The story itself drifts along like thoughts in a hung-over mind - fitting, but still it all seemed covered by a gray haze, never becoming really focused to me. You insert tension into the story that is never resolved. Daniel's got 12 hours to pay for the coke - that's what gets us going - but whether he pays them or not, and how, is never explored.
Another problem is that of Daniel's sudden change for good is too sharp a turn, at least the way I see him: "he'd never really got out of the habit of the high life... even if it was now beyond his means" as well as "he always seemed to find a way to work things out somehow" don't let on that Daniel feels reluctant or regretful about his life, and "It was a lie... He was prone to such impulsive acts" only reinforces my impression that he would, and might have done, some morally questionable things to finance his life style. His sudden bout of morals comes too surprising to me to really believe in it.
There is also some stretched credibility in the story, especially concerning Olivia. That it is her who happens upon Daniel is coincidence enough, but that Daniel also finds her home without even knowing her last name is far beyond what I can normally take as a reader, especially since it is not explained away somehow.
On the other hand, the whole sequence with Olivia was very good. The silence in the car - she perhaps a little insecure about the kiss they shared and his appearance, he anxious about his drug use - as well as the moments at the beach... classic.
"The sky an ominous deep grey, with odd shafts of sunlight piercing the clouds and lancing down to earth in radiant glory" - wonderful!
"It was mere chance that led him to put his hands into his trouser pockets... and discover there..." This, on the other hand, doesn't work as good. "Mere chance" that he puts his hands into his pockets? Isn't that something you sometimes? And the brooch isn't exactly "discovered", as he already found it at the beginning of the story.
The switch to Olivia's perspective was a little jarring, and before I could orientate myself, the story is over. It would have been better to stay with Daniel or introduce this perspective earlier. The note was a nice touch, though it left some things unresolved, for example whether "Goodbye" was meant as a suicide note (even an indirect suicide if Daniel visits his dealer without the money). Still, also a story that I really enjoyed. I humbly offer my gratitude to you
The Pics
Dangerous but Fluffy - the Sheep of Doom
- Eluvan's sheep, though mayhaps blessed with infinite wisdom, still is mostly window dressing when Daniel wakes up from drug haze. That must be jarring, if not scarring.
- RangerWickett gives us Hunger, turning a "noble creature" into a sad being worthy of our compassion, and a focal point for the story. Plus, in the end, another sheep eats its way Alien-like out of Rawann's body.
Bleary Eyes
-RangerWickett has Rawann glance upon a throng of dancing villagers, with what seems to be Pandaweth in focus. Not the strongest of his uses, as even Pandaweth remains a side figure throughout (she she seems to smell strongly, though).
- Eluvan has the object of this pic be Olivia, also a possible companion for the hero that stays alone in the end. While Olivia does have a more central role, and is more fleshed out than her counterpart, the pic appears in a short flashback that seems only to exist for the pic alone.
Brooch (come on now, people! Isn't that a shell? Or am I blind? Seriously, brooch is alright with me.)
- Eluvan's brooch not only wakes our hero before the rose in his button hole is devoured by the sage sheep, but it also brings about Daniel's turn to goodness. The built-in homing device (I suspect) also allows Daniel to locate Olivia's home.
- RangerWickett's brooch shields Rawann from pain and hunger (and Hunger trying to chew its way out of his intestines) - until Rawann's father disposes him of it.
The Wall
- In "Hunger", the wooden fence with an ad on it transforms into a forbidding black wall of stone, tar, oil and shaman skulls, making Rawann at least 10 feet tall in perspective.
- Eluvan's Daniel looks upon the fence together with Olivia (and/or, while she's gazing at him sideways), and regains his composure. It is here Daniel manages to break his cycle of self-destruction, returning the brooch to its owner.
The judgement
Now, where are we?
We have a stylistically impressive story about redemption, and a mythical parable about mercy.
Eluvan's story is good, but I would have liked it to take more risks in its proceeding, as well as to have a better conclusion. RangerWickett, on the other hand, didn't bring his hero alive to me, but left me thinking about the story afterwards - a great accomplishment for something written on such time constraints.
So, I award my POINT TO
RANGER_WICKETT
Maldur
RangerWickett
Morality tale, a bit gruesome, but it did show a different outlook on a life with magic, and sarcifice. You could almost scream at the kid when he went wrong.
Eluvan
For me this story read a bit wrong, Im not sure what it was but the flow was off. Could be personal preference I don’t know. But it just didn’t sing. I liked the idea, the reconstruction of the day gone by.
My point goes to RangerWicket
Mythago
RangerWickett – Hunger
Nice integration of the sheep and wall, decent use of the dancers, eh use of the flower/brooch thing. It’s an unusual shape; why is this food-obsessed society picking something so un-food-related and strange?
I thought the results of the ‘test’ were a bit odd. Wouldn’t they lose an awful lot of kids that way? If nothing else, they’ve been raised all their lives not to let meat keep walking around. That said, the evocation of the mood and atmosphere was wonderful: the bat free of rot, the hungry children, the adults cutting strips of their own flesh happily, the bleak and blasted landscape. If it was meant to be a downer of a no-win situation, though, I’d like to have seen that failure hinted at a little more. As presented, the ending reminded me of one of those Choose Your Own Adventure books where turning to page 37 means instant death for no apparent reason other than plot.
Eluvan – A Token Gesture
A nice, compact little narrative. Use of the pin and the women pictures was very well-done. The sheep was really a bit of a throwaway; it’s the first thing Daniel sees but it’s pretty much window-dressing. I felt that the story was uneven and, in places, a little incredible—I found it very hard to believe that Olivia would just happen to drive past the strange guy who paid her and her friends’ way the night before, happily let him (dirt and all) into her car, and drive him around. Daniel’s sudden reversal from high-living drug dealer to contrite and moral was awfully fast. For love of Olivia? He did *just* meet her, and it didn’t seem real to me that a largely amoral high-roller would have an attack of conscience about a piece of jewelry.
Which is to say, I liked the beginning, I liked the end, I wanted to see more in the middle that got us from one to the other. The length wasn’t a problem; the detail was.
I give the nod this round to
RangerWickett.
Congratulations to you both, and
RangerWickett goes on to Round 2.
mythago
Hero
Round 1.5 – Boojum vs. orchid blossom
Maldur
Orchid Blossom
First imprssion: “no, not one of those flipflop through time stories” but it was quite nice. Chtulloid stories are a favourite in ceramic Dm it seems.
Boojum
Secret agent kobolds, demons, guns, ant-enforcers. This world seems interesting, do you have more?
My point goes to Orchid Blossom, even though I liked Boojum’s idea better, Orchid’s execution was better.
Mythago
orchid blossom – the trench was a throwaway, the cloak mediocre, the other two pictures very nicely used. The contrast between the two couples was interestingly handled; William really seems to love his bride, Seth comes across as kind of a jerk, both face the very mixed blessing of the Boggart with uneven results. I liked the fact that the two stories were not exactly parallel, and it’s Deanna who really saves herself; but I found myself not caring very much about whether Seth and Deanna are in love. We don’t really see their affection much. They date again because the story needs them to. You do a much better job of making William sympathetic and his love of Margaret believeable.
The prose flows nicely, but jettison the adverbs. We don’t need to be told that William “asked anxiously,” because that is (or should be) obvious. Seth’s talking, he’s not in a courtroom, so why is he “objecting”? Margaret crows and purrs in the same sentence. And the characters are fidgety, hardly able to talk without moving or acting to emphasize that, darn it, they’re talking.
The Boggart is nicely drawn. The line about “brighten the lady’s eye, or blind it” is wonderful.
Boojum – Again, a story that uses the drinks as a good central piece, and the use of the trench as Tendrilscars—an important plot point—justifies its presence in the storyline. The hood is pretty weak, though.
I found myself both liking and disliking the mixture of fantasy/DnD with anachronism. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it bleeds over into being a little too cute. Overall the storyline runs along just fine—and then it stops, with the kobold and Halfling going on to more adventures. We don’t really have a resolution of the first part of the story; and I felt that it makes Yelmak’s daring escape less like a break from a life of slavery and more like an inconvenience, a chase scene from a spy movie.
The prose jerks around too much at times. “Barely even noting the ostentatious richness of the decorations?” Too much action crammed in not because it’s believable (either Yelmak notices the ostentatious stuff or he doesn’t, probably the latter because he’s seen it so often), but because you’re describing it to the reader. If it’s not new to Yelmak, why is it new to us? This kind of thing gets in the way of an otherwise really interesting storyline. It’s like a sleek sports car with square tires.
My judgment this round is for
for a more captivating storyline.
Berandor
Boojum: "No title"
You begin strong; the first paragraph gets me going immediately. A kobold? I like it. The impatient Yelmak almost shouting his displeasure out loud was fun, too. Immediately, there is life in your story.
However, then your sentences often get too long, as early as the second paragraph. Most of the times, you could cut half the words and still keep the gist intact. In fact, it would make your prose stronger. "As he did so, he rehearsed again in his mind the details of the plan that had just been interrupted when the head steward had ordered him to take the appetizer tray out." Phew! How about a shorter version: "As he did so, he rehearsed his plan again, cursing the head steward for interrupting him (with his orders)."
"He would bring the tray of glasses he had filled with the clear liquor known as ochleq to Melchor Vorstad at the head of the table in preparation for the toast to begin the feast." We don't need to know the liquor's name, if you want to be nit-picky. How about: "He would bring the glasses full of ochleq (or "of liquor") to Melchor Vorstad, just in time for the toast to begin the feast."
Also, try to look out for the following words: Begin/start: when you use them, you imply a stop later on. So "His teeth began to chatter..." would become "his teeth chattered" or even "with chattering teeth". The sentence gets shorter, clearer, and also more potent.
seem/appear: 4 out of 5 times, you can cut this word and end up with a better sentence. "Something just seemed utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish..." Better would be "Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished..." When you use "seem" to qualify something, you make it appear doubtful. But the demons *have* strange shapes, and they *do* finish.
somehow/something/etc.: These words tell us nothing. There are situations when you have to use them, but without a distinct reason for the lack of information you can normally just cut these sentences without damaging your story, as you haven't told us anything, anyway. Plus, using them makes you sound insecure, so not using them is actually good.
Can/be able to: Really, if a character can do something, just let him do it. It's much stronger that way.
know (that): Likewise, if the protagonist knows something, just tell us. We are reading from his perspective, anyway. By using "know" you just sow doubt where none is needed: "He knew that it would have relayed his location" - "It would have relayed his location".
With all that in mind, here's almost a full paragraph:
"A little ways south of the spot he had fallen, he was barely able to make out an indistinct number of shadowy shapes milling around the spot where his bundle had landed, doing something with it. Somehow, the sight of them instantly filled him with an indescribable sense of dread and unease. Something just was utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish with whatever it was and began moving off in various directions, several appearing to be coming towards him."
Now, in your words, but almost half the length:
"Where his bundle had landed, he made out a number of shadowy shapes milling about. The sight instantly filled him with indescribably dread. Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished whatever they were doing and moved off in various directions, several coming towards him."
Now, enough of that. I like the Kobold Liberation Army and Agent Yelmak a lot. Indeed, you fill your story with some cool ideas, from being turned into a giant chicken (though whether an "empire would crumble" from that, I don't know) over the fan-transmitter up till the cloud ship in the end. Using formians as police is ingenious (and stolen for my campaign). The "Devourer" is and stays mysterious (I assume the light arcs are his doing). I enjoyed your use of dialect; it was fun and not overdone.
The end seemed (
) a little hastily assembled in that it doesn't feel like closure, more like the end of a chapter. It might be that the rescue simply happens too quick and easy. Still, I enjoyed the story. Thank you.
orchid blossom: "Then and Now"
A very fine entry (once again). Right at the beginning, you bring up my favorite line: "I want an other that is actually significant". The "Summer 1998" insert felt real to me, especially the part about missing the little things that you hadn't even noticed any more before.
The structure of the story is demanding. With two parallel layers, you must take care to keep the tension and to not repeat yourself. While ably managing it most of the time, I felt that "Fall 1998" was superfluous. Do we really need to see Seth buying the glasses, just to meet the Boggart?
I also felt that both layers could have used a little more... just more. The chapters are short, and the whole story is hort, as well. I felt it went back and forth a little too quick sometimes, not allowing me to get a feel for any one of the layers, and weakening the Boggart's threat in doing so.
"1863" confused me a little. "It had been easier to find her when they still lived in the city.." implies that William and Margaret have moved, but then William heads off to the same trench he buried the figurine in? So did they move before he buried it, or did the figurine re-appear in this trench and I just didn't get it?
Also, the switch to the Boggart's perspective didn't quite mesh. Perhaps it would be better with italics to set it off somehwat?
Anyway, back to the good - and there's lots of good here. Your dialogue is very strong. People do talk like that. I liked the contrast between Maggie and Deanna - how they both regard the figurine, whether they wanted "their man" before the glasses - leading to Maggie’s defeat and Deanna defeating the Boggart. I hope you didn't intend then end to be ominously threatening, because I found it to be consoling, a nice change of pace when most entries end on a darker note.
It wasn't your best, but still a very strong story, orchid blossom. I had great fun reading it, and later on dissecting it. Thank you.
The pics
Glasses
- orchid blossom strings the story around these glasses. To toast with them brings about love and devotion - and the Boggart. Two couples fall under their spell, with mixed results.
- Filled with ochleq (now doesn't that tasty?), Boojum's glasses are to be used in a devious plan. Unfortunately, one of the scullions already drank the chicken potion. Yelmak flees, and the glasses are forgottten in a nearby alcove.
Figurine
- Boojum instills it with life and presents us with Mohai and Binster, an old halfling and his mule companion. Mohai saves Yelmak's hide and aids him in his survival. As a result, Yelmak takes him with him to the KLA.
- orchid blossom has the Boggart, part figurine, part marriage counselor and part Indian street merchant, giving couples a few years of happines before driving them to make like Cathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in "The War of the Roses". The Boggart is the villain of the piece.
Trench
- orchid blossom has a trecnh, by "some inscrutable reason", and nobody is "able to tell [us] why it [is] there". But at least the figurine gets buried in it.
- Boojum gives us "tendrilscars", caused by the Devourer when it extends a "tendril of pulsing light" to destroy order. A cool image, and a great hiding place, to boot.
Cloak
- Boojum's cloak is given thrown to Yelmak, which is about the extent of its involvement. At least the kobold is no longer naked. –
orchid blossom fills the cloak with a benevolent Nazgûl, sniffing out parakeets and Boggarts. It is a short appearance, but it's there. And I wouldn't have wanted to see that Nazgûl without it, thank you very much - the kobold was enough.
The Judgement
Boojum's tale is full of neat ideas, and stories about kobolds are always welcome. However, orchid blossom has a more accomplished style and presents a fine entry herself. The stronger prose and use of pics prevails, so I present my POINT TO
.
Winner this round is
, who goes on to Round 2.
Maldur
Orchid Blossom
First imprssion: “no, not one of those flipflop through time stories” but it was quite nice. Chtulloid stories are a favourite in ceramic Dm it seems.
Boojum
Secret agent kobolds, demons, guns, ant-enforcers. This world seems interesting, do you have more?
My point goes to Orchid Blossom, even though I liked Boojum’s idea better, Orchid’s execution was better.
Mythago
orchid blossom – the trench was a throwaway, the cloak mediocre, the other two pictures very nicely used. The contrast between the two couples was interestingly handled; William really seems to love his bride, Seth comes across as kind of a jerk, both face the very mixed blessing of the Boggart with uneven results. I liked the fact that the two stories were not exactly parallel, and it’s Deanna who really saves herself; but I found myself not caring very much about whether Seth and Deanna are in love. We don’t really see their affection much. They date again because the story needs them to. You do a much better job of making William sympathetic and his love of Margaret believeable.
The prose flows nicely, but jettison the adverbs. We don’t need to be told that William “asked anxiously,” because that is (or should be) obvious. Seth’s talking, he’s not in a courtroom, so why is he “objecting”? Margaret crows and purrs in the same sentence. And the characters are fidgety, hardly able to talk without moving or acting to emphasize that, darn it, they’re talking.
The Boggart is nicely drawn. The line about “brighten the lady’s eye, or blind it” is wonderful.
Boojum – Again, a story that uses the drinks as a good central piece, and the use of the trench as Tendrilscars—an important plot point—justifies its presence in the storyline. The hood is pretty weak, though.
I found myself both liking and disliking the mixture of fantasy/DnD with anachronism. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it bleeds over into being a little too cute. Overall the storyline runs along just fine—and then it stops, with the kobold and Halfling going on to more adventures. We don’t really have a resolution of the first part of the story; and I felt that it makes Yelmak’s daring escape less like a break from a life of slavery and more like an inconvenience, a chase scene from a spy movie.
The prose jerks around too much at times. “Barely even noting the ostentatious richness of the decorations?” Too much action crammed in not because it’s believable (either Yelmak notices the ostentatious stuff or he doesn’t, probably the latter because he’s seen it so often), but because you’re describing it to the reader. If it’s not new to Yelmak, why is it new to us? This kind of thing gets in the way of an otherwise really interesting storyline. It’s like a sleek sports car with square tires.
My judgment this round is for
Boojum
Berandor
Boojum: "No title"
You begin strong; the first paragraph gets me going immediately. A kobold? I like it. The impatient Yelmak almost shouting his displeasure out loud was fun, too. Immediately, there is life in your story.
However, then your sentences often get too long, as early as the second paragraph. Most of the times, you could cut half the words and still keep the gist intact. In fact, it would make your prose stronger. "As he did so, he rehearsed again in his mind the details of the plan that had just been interrupted when the head steward had ordered him to take the appetizer tray out." Phew! How about a shorter version: "As he did so, he rehearsed his plan again, cursing the head steward for interrupting him (with his orders)."
"He would bring the tray of glasses he had filled with the clear liquor known as ochleq to Melchor Vorstad at the head of the table in preparation for the toast to begin the feast." We don't need to know the liquor's name, if you want to be nit-picky. How about: "He would bring the glasses full of ochleq (or "of liquor") to Melchor Vorstad, just in time for the toast to begin the feast."
Also, try to look out for the following words: Begin/start: when you use them, you imply a stop later on. So "His teeth began to chatter..." would become "his teeth chattered" or even "with chattering teeth". The sentence gets shorter, clearer, and also more potent.
seem/appear: 4 out of 5 times, you can cut this word and end up with a better sentence. "Something just seemed utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish..." Better would be "Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished..." When you use "seem" to qualify something, you make it appear doubtful. But the demons *have* strange shapes, and they *do* finish.
somehow/something/etc.: These words tell us nothing. There are situations when you have to use them, but without a distinct reason for the lack of information you can normally just cut these sentences without damaging your story, as you haven't told us anything, anyway. Plus, using them makes you sound insecure, so not using them is actually good.
Can/be able to: Really, if a character can do something, just let him do it. It's much stronger that way.
know (that): Likewise, if the protagonist knows something, just tell us. We are reading from his perspective, anyway. By using "know" you just sow doubt where none is needed: "He knew that it would have relayed his location" - "It would have relayed his location".
With all that in mind, here's almost a full paragraph:
"A little ways south of the spot he had fallen, he was barely able to make out an indistinct number of shadowy shapes milling around the spot where his bundle had landed, doing something with it. Somehow, the sight of them instantly filled him with an indescribable sense of dread and unease. Something just was utterly wrong about their shapes. They seemed to finish with whatever it was and began moving off in various directions, several appearing to be coming towards him."
Now, in your words, but almost half the length:
"Where his bundle had landed, he made out a number of shadowy shapes milling about. The sight instantly filled him with indescribably dread. Something was just utterly wrong about their shapes. They finished whatever they were doing and moved off in various directions, several coming towards him."
Now, enough of that. I like the Kobold Liberation Army and Agent Yelmak a lot. Indeed, you fill your story with some cool ideas, from being turned into a giant chicken (though whether an "empire would crumble" from that, I don't know) over the fan-transmitter up till the cloud ship in the end. Using formians as police is ingenious (and stolen for my campaign). The "Devourer" is and stays mysterious (I assume the light arcs are his doing). I enjoyed your use of dialect; it was fun and not overdone.
The end seemed (
) a little hastily assembled in that it doesn't feel like closure, more like the end of a chapter. It might be that the rescue simply happens too quick and easy. Still, I enjoyed the story. Thank you.orchid blossom: "Then and Now"
A very fine entry (once again). Right at the beginning, you bring up my favorite line: "I want an other that is actually significant". The "Summer 1998" insert felt real to me, especially the part about missing the little things that you hadn't even noticed any more before.
The structure of the story is demanding. With two parallel layers, you must take care to keep the tension and to not repeat yourself. While ably managing it most of the time, I felt that "Fall 1998" was superfluous. Do we really need to see Seth buying the glasses, just to meet the Boggart?
I also felt that both layers could have used a little more... just more. The chapters are short, and the whole story is hort, as well. I felt it went back and forth a little too quick sometimes, not allowing me to get a feel for any one of the layers, and weakening the Boggart's threat in doing so.
"1863" confused me a little. "It had been easier to find her when they still lived in the city.." implies that William and Margaret have moved, but then William heads off to the same trench he buried the figurine in? So did they move before he buried it, or did the figurine re-appear in this trench and I just didn't get it?
Also, the switch to the Boggart's perspective didn't quite mesh. Perhaps it would be better with italics to set it off somehwat?
Anyway, back to the good - and there's lots of good here. Your dialogue is very strong. People do talk like that. I liked the contrast between Maggie and Deanna - how they both regard the figurine, whether they wanted "their man" before the glasses - leading to Maggie’s defeat and Deanna defeating the Boggart. I hope you didn't intend then end to be ominously threatening, because I found it to be consoling, a nice change of pace when most entries end on a darker note.
It wasn't your best, but still a very strong story, orchid blossom. I had great fun reading it, and later on dissecting it. Thank you.
The pics
Glasses
- orchid blossom strings the story around these glasses. To toast with them brings about love and devotion - and the Boggart. Two couples fall under their spell, with mixed results.
- Filled with ochleq (now doesn't that tasty?
), Boojum's glasses are to be used in a devious plan. Unfortunately, one of the scullions already drank the chicken potion. Yelmak flees, and the glasses are forgottten in a nearby alcove.Figurine
- Boojum instills it with life and presents us with Mohai and Binster, an old halfling and his mule companion. Mohai saves Yelmak's hide and aids him in his survival. As a result, Yelmak takes him with him to the KLA.
- orchid blossom has the Boggart, part figurine, part marriage counselor and part Indian street merchant, giving couples a few years of happines before driving them to make like Cathleen Turner and Michael Douglas in "The War of the Roses". The Boggart is the villain of the piece.
Trench
- orchid blossom has a trecnh, by "some inscrutable reason", and nobody is "able to tell [us] why it [is] there". But at least the figurine gets buried in it.
- Boojum gives us "tendrilscars", caused by the Devourer when it extends a "tendril of pulsing light" to destroy order. A cool image, and a great hiding place, to boot.
Cloak
- Boojum's cloak is given thrown to Yelmak, which is about the extent of its involvement. At least the kobold is no longer naked. –
orchid blossom fills the cloak with a benevolent Nazgûl, sniffing out parakeets and Boggarts. It is a short appearance, but it's there. And I wouldn't have wanted to see that Nazgûl without it, thank you very much - the kobold was enough.
The Judgement
Boojum's tale is full of neat ideas, and stories about kobolds are always welcome. However, orchid blossom has a more accomplished style and presents a fine entry herself. The stronger prose and use of pics prevails, so I present my POINT TO
ORCHID BLOSSOM
Winner this round is
orchid blossom 2-1
Berandor
lunatic
orchidblossom:
After thinking about it a little more, I think maybe the number of narrative perspectives you use are what held me off a little. You show us William, Margaret, Deanna, Seth and the Boggart - confining yourself to two of them might have resulted in a tigher entry.
After thinking about it a little more, I think maybe the number of narrative perspectives you use are what held me off a little. You show us William, Margaret, Deanna, Seth and the Boggart - confining yourself to two of them might have resulted in a tigher entry.
