Game session abruptly canceled

[Nifft]

People, people! There's only one obvious answer: kill the children and eat them.

Children Soup for the Soul. It does a party good.

Cheers, -- N

 

[Mistwell]

I suppose "I didn't feel like it" is a reason someone could give, but that applies to everybody, kids or no. It is still not something I would see as a valid excuse if someone used it at the last minute. If they didn't want to pack stuff up and move with the kids, then they should have said so when he asked them to.

and

I'm just going by the OP's assertion that it was fine when he asked ahead of time, but changed suddenly the day of the game.

Tells me you really don't get it. You have not grokked the issue at hand. Perhaps you never will. But, you clearly are not getting it right now.

This was not the case of "I didn't feel like it". The ramifications of kids are more than just "didn't feel like it".

This is no different than if any other player said "hey, I'd like to game but I don't know when I might show up, so keep in mind and don't base anything on me being there". Kids are not a blanket excuse for such behavior that somehow makes it not an issue. If it's an issue with the group they need to address it, rather than just gloss it over.

You are on notice. You clearly are ignoring that notice and pretending like you don't know it. But you do, now (and should have always known it, because it's so friggen obvious). If you make plans with both parents of young kids to go out, the plans are in flux until they actually happen. You can accept that fact or not, but it doesn't change the truth of it. And at least from now on, you know it in advance without the parents having to tell you that caveat.

 

[phindar]

...but try to imagine having a completely unpredictable and powerful force in your life that can change the way you feel in a minute. Replace the word "child" with "migraine headache"...

This is probably the funniest, and most true thing I've read on EnWorld.

 

[RigaMortus2]

I need to put this down in writing to get it off my chest.
Here's the situation. My game group currently consists of my best friend M, his wife K and I. We play every other weekend due to his work schedule. M and I take turns DMing. They live about an hour away. I have made the drive to their house for every session for about the past year and a half. This weekend I needed to change the venue to my place because I'm feeding and letting out another friend's pets while he's out of town. I told M early last week about the needed venue change. M and wife have 2 kids age 5 and a bit over 1. M says he'll try to get his folks to watch the kids while we play. I say its no problem if they can't. Bring the kids with. He says OK. Its my understanding that this is the plan.
Today is game day. I call M today to find out what the plan is for the day. M tells me his parents can't take the kids and he and the wife don't want to bring them with, so they're not coming. I say man that sucks and we hang up.
I'm disappointed. Then I get frustrated, then I get mad. I call back to tell M that I'm mad and I think it sucks that they're cancelling our plans at the last minute. M basically tells me I'm a no good jerk for being mad. We exchange heated words, and somehow its twisted to where I'm the one who's out of line because I think people should follow through on things they have agreed to do and not cancel at the last minute. Apparently its also unreasonable for me to want to change the session to my place the odd time once a year or so.
This isn't the first time they've cancelled on me at the last minute. The other times I'd already made the drive to their place and then had the session blown. I guess I should count my blessings. At least this time I didn't have to drive an hour to be let down.

Doesn't sound like he is that good of a friend after all. Sorry for you to find out this way. I am not sure what words were said, or how the exchange went, but when you confront someone like that, you have to assume they are always going to go on the defensive. Nobody likes to hear they are "wrong" for doing something.

 

[Vocenoctum]

Tells me you really don't get it. You have not grokked the issue at hand. Perhaps you never will. But, you clearly are not getting it right now.

This was not the case of "I didn't feel like it". The ramifications of kids are more than just "didn't feel like it".

Do tell? What exactly WAS the reason then? Because it looked to me like the OP said they didn't "want to bring them with, so they're not coming." They've brought the kids to his house before, they said it would be fine earlier in the week, but now they don't...

You are on notice. You clearly are ignoring that notice and pretending like you don't know it. But you do, now (and should have always known it, because it's so friggen obvious). If you make plans with both parents of young kids to go out, the plans are in flux until they actually happen. You can accept that fact or not, but it doesn't change the truth of it. And at least from now on, you know it in advance without the parents having to tell you that caveat.

I'm not on notice of anything. You are not every player, nor every player with kids. When I game with adults, I expect an adult discussion about their availability, and when I meet my brother (who has 3 kids) for dinner or such, I expect common consideration. If they can't handle their life with a modicum of self-knowledge, then no internet notice from Random Poster #578 will suddenly give them a blanket excuse to give me the brush off.

I run a pretty easy game, folks can fail to show and not be tossed out. In general, when they miss, they will email to apologize and explain, but such is not needed. If they repeatedly fail to show and/or participate, they might get marginalized in the storyline though.

This has no bearing on the presence or absence of kids.

 

[shilsen]

but try to imagine having a completely unpredictable and powerful force in your life that can change the way you feel in a minute. Replace the word "child" with "migraine headache" (not too far off). Just try to imagine your frustration - you want to keep in contact with your friends - you want to keep playing the game you love. But you can't always do it.

Nice analogy It works even better for me, since I have a tendency toward migraines, and have gamed, both as player and DM, with migraines (and toothaches, which are another problem I often have) on multiple occasions. Personally, if I want to keep in contact with my friends, nothing short of being dead can stop me. The same applies for most other things I plan to do. But, of course, I realize that's not the case for everyone else.

 

[Voadam]

Okay enough of this accusation. You guys do NOT have the facts to draw that conclusion. You have no idea how close to the phone call the cancellation took place. You have no idea if there was a plan for one person to call the other at a scheduled time. You have no idea if the person in question was going to call very soon and was just beat to the punch. You simply do not know that there was no plan to call ahead of time to cancel!

Stop making assumptions like that guys!

What we know of the situation from the OP.

1 he asked them to come to his place for the game instead of theirs.

2 they said yes if we can get a sitter.

3 he said if you can't then bring them with.

4 they said OK

5 they could not get a sitter

6 they decided they would not come over with the kids

7 they did not call

There is a change on the part of the parents from 4 to 6 that should socially obligate them to alert the OP to cancel, barring emergencies that would obviously take precedence during such matters.

 

[Thurbane]

Your friend was right. You were out of line.

Disappointment does not entitle you to be a jerk - and your being comfortable bringing the kids over isn't the issue and HIS being comfortable bringing the kids over isn't the issue either. Spend $250 and buy a clue: what the kids MOTHER is comfortable with is the test.

Your game; you friendship - his marriage. That's a hierarchy of priorities where gaming is going to lose out from time to time.

Call him back in a few days and apologize.

By the way: the easy solution was to go to his place and game. What - the animals can't take care of themselves for 6-8 hours? Not bloody likely.

Wow...just...wow!

Just goes to show how differently two people can read the same post.

I don't think the OP was out of line at all. It was the duty of the couple with kids to let him know they couldn't make it AHEAD OF TIME, not at the last minute. No problem with them not being able to make it, but you let the other people in the group now as early as possible.

Especially if it has happened before... :\

 

[Thurbane]

For the record, I am currently in a gaming group of four - me, my flatmate, and two brothers, both of whom have young children. Our fifth member has recently moved to China for a year or so with his fiance.

The two guys with kids make most of the games, but occasionally have to cancel due to family commitments. When they do so, however, they always let the rest of us know as early as possible - usually a few days in advance, or lunchtime of game day (night) at the outside latest.

 

[Banshee16]

I'm glad that you were able to resolve the situation.

I was going to bring up a few concerns...

1-You mention that the discussion got heated. I've no clue whether that implied that you were insulting or disrepectful when you called, or whether the player simply didn't like the fact that you called him regarding cancelling the session without warning.

2-The player *did* cancel the session, and evidently didn't tell you about it. If it's a one-time thing, then maybe it was a pure accident. This can happen regardless of whether or not kids are involved. However, you also mentioned that it's not the first time this has happened. Consequently, it sounds a bit more like a pattern. And you mention that there are times you've driven an hour to the game, to have them cancel. To me, that's kind of disrespectful. In the absence of your note regarding this being your nephew, I'd have advocated being careful with this player, because of the possibility of the lack of respect. However, since he's related, hopefully it's something you can talk to him about. Regardless of whether or not he has children, common courtesy dictates that he commit to plans, and if he can't commit, he tell you. If his ability to meet those plans changes (due to kid or wife stuff), then he should let you know. You have taken time out of your schedule to commit to doing a mutual activity with him. You were there when you said you would be. I would hope that he can reciprocate for you.

Overall, sometimes real life intervenes.....gaming is only one type of passtime....but just because it's "gaming" doesn't mean that it should be treated any differently than making plans to meet another couple at the movies to catch this week's blockbuster, or going out to dinner, or agreeing to go skiing or whatever. You're committing your time to an activity, and making plans accordingly. You have the right to ask that people respect your time as well.

And if a parent is outright cancelling plans on friends, without telling them, what is that teaching the kids? It's modeling behaviour that we used to consider rude.

I have a cousin who recently had a baby. She lives in the U.S., and comes back to visit her family every few weeks. In three or four subsequent instances lately, she's called me regarding wanting to get together, have us meet the baby, wanting to see our new house, etc. etc. So she asks if she can come by on a specific night. On each of these instances, we've said "yes", and put aside other plans, and gotten dressed up, etc. to host our guests.....and sat there, waiting, hour after hour for my cousin, who just never shows up. Says she's going to.....but when we call, her family says she's "out", or "on her way", but never arrives. And we've just wasted our evening....because we could have been doing painting, or yardwork, etc. This has happened three times in a row now, and she hasn't even had the courtesy to call and say "hey, sorry, something's come up, and my daughter is crying, and I can't come out" *or* "hey, sorry I didn't come by like I said I would, X happened with my daughter, and I couldn't come, really sorry for that". Regardless of whether or not it's due to a child, it's disrespectful. She's not valuing our time.

You don't have to insult a person when you call them on this kind of behaviour....but I think people *should* be called on this kind of behaviour, as it's just rude, and if people keep doing it, the behaviour will continue. And if you have enough respect for yourself, you shouldn't be allowing someone to treat you like that....

I'm not meaning this to be insulting. Cancelling plans, or not showing up etc. is a real sore point for me. Once or twice is one thing....when it starts happening consistently, I start to feel like a doormat, or like I'm the "second choice plan" for the night, which is not a good feeling.

Now that I've finished that tirade, hopefully you've resolved things not only by apologizing for being rude to your player, but also by having *him* recognize that cancelling at the last minute without warning is itself rude.....*if he's doing this on a regular basis*. If it's something that's only happened once in a blue moon, then it's not worth sweating over.

Banshee