Gaming, Adults, and Growing Up

[DM Howard]

To set the stage for this I'd like to say that I am a 21 year old University Student and that I am of course a gamer and a "nerd".

I recently went out with my girlfriend, who within the next year I will be engaged to, and somehow the topic game up that she thinks that I am too wrapped up in all my "games", as she puts them, and that she thinks that eventually I need to grow up and leave that stuff behind.

I was rather bothered by this as being a gamer, being a "nerd" is part of who I am, and I told her that gaming was something I would be doing in one form or another for the rest of my life. She wasn't too thrilled by this, but we got to the mall and our discussion turned elsewhere.

I'm wondering how other people how dealt with a situation like this, where gaming is considered a non-adult thing to do and you just need to grow up. How do other people react to this sort of attitude?

Dndungeoneer

 

[Wystan]

I stayed my course and over time my wife (then girlfriend) saw that it was something that was part of me and proved my intelligence and inventiveness. It is accepted and allowed...

 

[Papa-DRB]

This is not a judgement on either of you, but I believe that you both need to see a therapist, minister, someone who will be professional enough to help you work thru this.

My son's ex-wife had this attitude, and they divorced after 18 months, this being one of the main issues.

 

[Papa-DRB]

stupid duplicates

 

[EricNoah]

You might need to gently explain to her the various needs gaming fulfulls for you (creative expression, social interactions with friends, whatever it might be). On the other hand, you may also want to examine how you spend your time in general and honestly determine if your life is indeed out of balance (too much time/energy spent on one thing at the expense of other things). If she feels like she will be constantly battling for your attention or feeling like she's coming in 2nd place to your gaming hobby I could see that being a problem.

 

[Morrus]

I've never been unfortunate enough to be in that situation - 36, married, happily gaming. My wife doesn't mind in the slightest (although she has no interest in it herself).

I'd echo what people have said - try to explain to her why gaming is important to you. Hopefully she'll be happy to simply accept that it is important to you. As long as you have your priorities correct - if you never see her because you're gaming all the time, for example, I can see why she'd have a cause for complaint.

 

[Umbran]

Well, it seems to me that:

1) It is good for a couple to have shared interests.

2) It is good for members of a couple to have non-shared interests.

3) There should be some balance in those interests - it is healthy to spend time together, and some time doing your own thing. Exactly how much of each depends upon the individuals. The balance you need may be different from another couple's.

4) The "grow up" bit there is a bit of consternation. To be blunt - you shouldn't (imho) marry someone hoping or expecting some specific change. You marry them as they are. You accept that they'll also change some as you go through life together, but you don't get to control how your partner changes. So, if you aren't "grown up" enough for her when you agree to marry, that's not a good thing for your marriage. Hash that one out before you propose.

 

[Jeff Wilder]

I've gotten varying degrees of that attitude from almost every woman I've been in a relationship with (the only exceptions have been women I've met while RPGing). It ranges from tolerant amusement through puzzlement to actual pushback (like you're experiencing). My reciprocal response has ranged from a shrug to breaking up.

For what it's worth, I get similar responses due to being a somewhat serious poker player, though it's skewed away from a nerd-child stigma and more toward a disreputable-gambler thing.

Lifestyle hobbies tend to be the sort of thing people on the outside just don't get. And it's not always possible to say, "Hey, I've got D&D, but you've got X," because the truth is that most people don't have lifestyle hobbies.

 

[Wicht]

Tell her that you are looking forward to playing games with your children and that you think gaming together makes a family stronger.

 

[Troll Slayer]

For me, what has always worked was explaining that gaming is my "poker night." We drink, we roll some dice, have some laughs; and I come home happy to spend the majority of my time with the significant other.

I also had to learn how to keep my prep to a 1-2 hour window. I used to prepare for hours when I was younger, coming up with all sorts of cool ideas and contingencies. Then I started having to combine a full time job, long term girlfriend and non-gamer friends. It just became much easier to learn how to be a more minimalist GM.