Girlfriend in Gamer's Clothing

[Frozen DM]

Have you ever been in a situation where a friend or girlfriend seemed to screw up the flow of the game?

Yes, we refer to it as the "Egg Incident"

This was a few years back with my ex. She had insisted on joining the game so we could spend more time together. I agreed. She rolled up a druid and joined the party. At this time the group was investigating the ruined dungeon beneath an ancient monastary. As they descended into the ruins, the party came upon a large spherical barrier that was surrounding the inner chambers (approximately 500 feet in diameter.

This was when the questions started...
She didn't understand what I meant by the barrier, so I tried to explain it to her. Eventually I tried the following analogy: "Imagine it's a hollow sphere, like the shell of an egg"

She latched onto the egg analogy completely, and for the next hour the game got bogged down as we kept trying to explain that the group wasn't looking for a giant egg, or trying to get inside of an egg. The ruins didn't house some great bird, and nothing was going to hatch.

This wasn't the only time we had problems, she never really invested enough time into learning the rules of the game, I was too busy running the game as a DM to focus enough attention to teach her the rules, and none of the other players had the patience to help her for very long.

I will give her credit that she was interested in the game, and even wanted to keep playing after we split up, but she was just never able to grasp some of the fundamental concepts.

 

[Fishbone]

I just want people to realize that it isn't just them and their boyfriend/girlfriend and them that matter. Here is a good way to think about it: How would you feel if you were in a book group and another group member brought their girlfriend Christie along? Not because she read the book and has something to offer. Hell, she doesn't even know how to read! Just because Christie wants to spend more time with her boyfriend. Rather than watch or play a Gameboy she tries to become part of the group. You have to explain everything to her and she slows everything down. 4 or 5 members have a poor time because of Christie's actions. As if this weren't bad enough Christie doesn't want this to be a one-shot. Oh no, Christie wants to do this to every Thursday night discussion. People immediately grasp how rude this is and would never do it to a book club yet they insist on doing it repeatedly do gamers. Unbelievable.

 

[sckeener]

Have I seen it?....more than I can count.

If the group is more about crunch than fluff, I'd remove the person causing the flow problem. If the group is more into the Role Playing, then I'd sugesst two things 1) bind the newbie to something in the game preferably the SO and 2) get the newbie involved in the story.

Things go better when they have a vested interest in learning in the game.

To use the initial example, she is there to spend time with her boyfriend. She wants to be social with her boyfriend, to "Role Play" with her boyfriend. Make it so. If the group is mostly crunch and you don't want to kick her out [because the b/f probably would go too], add some fluff for her or her SO. Everyone wants to feel appreciated. Help her to seem successful to her boyfriend and herself. If you are a player, be a power behind the throne and help her. If you are a DM (tricker sense you need to be fair), make sure she has all the tools to be a good character and thrown some plot either his or her way (simple plot until you know how complex she can handle with the tools she has.) You want her to be thinking about the game away from the game. Wanting to actually read the rule books.

I ran a very heavy RP game last year and I think the highest compliment I got was from one of the wives in the game. She said my game finally got her to actually read a gaming book. Before that she'd either be drawing at the gaming table or working on websites....her husband made her characters...she just showed up to roll dice when told to roll.

It's no secret women like story...throw some RP at her and things will probably change. Heck she might get addicted....(my game was very soap opera-ish)

 

[John Q. Mayhem]

My girlfriend really enjoys gaming with my friends and siblings, and that makes me happy.

 

[Henry]

I just want people to realize that it isn't just them and their boyfriend/girlfriend and them that matter. Here is a good way to think about it: How would you feel if you were in a book group and another group member brought their girlfriend Christie along?

This is when I would explain to Christie that it would be helpful for her to learn to read before returning to the book club. Just like I would tell would-be gamer girlfriend that it would be helpful for her to read up on the rules a bit before the next game, and ask the boyfriend for help. It's not unreasonable to expect someone to know the rules of tennis before they participate in a doubles tennis game, and it's not unreasonable to ask same of an RPG participant. I wouldn't throw them out the minute they displayed a lack of knowledge -- this is why many current female gamers were turned off to the game in their earlier years by belligerent all-male groups not interested in giving them any benefit of the doubt.

On a different note: It's possible that a girlfriend is participating to see what the actual game is like, and what their potential love interest is doing with his time on weekends. It's also possible that someone who doesn't have any interest in a hobby is going to be drug every step of the way through the process; in that case, it's unlikely they'll return after the first session, anyway, so problem solved. But if someone has a genuine desire to become familiar with the game, it would be kind of cruel to not give them any leeway when they make mistakes, or don't understand every rule. For all you know, you could be sabotaging the next great future DM of your gaming group.

My experiences: When I was dating my wife years back, she wanted to set in on a few gamers and see what this "role playing game" was about. All she had heards were the Sixty Minutes "it's demonic" references when growing up, and that's all she knew. A few sessions of Call of Cthulhu were all she ever played but she gathered:

1) My hobby was perfectly safe, if a little too time-consuming;
2) I was not engaged in risky activity;
3) Role-playing was not her bag at all.

It was this that gives her a safe feeling when I am off gaming (instead of a bar or strip club), and it also helped her when her sister began role-playing and other "nerdy" activities in high school and college, by helping her explain it to their parents so they wouldn't be worried.

 

[Umbran]

It's not unreasonable to expect someone to know the rules of tennis before they participate in a doubles tennis game, and it's not unreasonable to ask same of an RPG participant.

Well, they have to learn somewhere. And honestly, how many gamers learn from picking up the book and reading and grasping it all?

For me, the solution is simple - as a DM, nobody plays at my table unless I say so, and my players are aware that impromptu players are not allowed. If they ask beforehand if they can bring someone, that gives me the opportunity to do the basic teaching before the full session.

This will tend to reduce the problems - the new person gets first exposure in a more limited and controlled environment. They don't have a chance to slow things up in the overall game before I can determine if they have no real interest.

 

[Vargo]

The DM in our group has his wife play in the game as well. She gets the idea pretty well, but doesn't quite get the rules or the tactics, and for the most part she sits on the sidelines and heals people. I think she enjoys it, but I'm not sure.

 

[Barak]

Amazingly, I had the exact opposite problem. We were forming a new group, and a guy we didn't know asked if he could bring his girlfriend. We said "yeah", somewhat reluctantly, as we knew all about that sort of things.

Turns out the girlfriend was the perfect newbie gamer, coming up with ideas experienced gamers sometimes overlook, being very in-character, etc, ect.

Her boyfriend, on the other hand, while more experienced with the rules, was a complete moron. It got to the point at which we were trying to figure out a way to dump him and keep her (our single players in particular, for non-gaming reasons). Then they broke up. We were hoping to keep her and dump him, but sadlay she wasn't interested in continuing (perhaps tying the hobby with her idiotic boyfriend?) and, well, perhaps he was, we'll never know.

 

[The Thayan Menace]

Testify, Superfly!

Look, not everything your significant other does is something you need to be involved in.

Ah yes, the voice of reason! Too bad my first gaming group never understood this simple premise.

-Samir

 

[HeapThaumaturgist]

My wife occassionally shows up to our games, my screaming 2mo. old daughter in tow! And she doesn't game, she just feeds the baby and naps!

Yea. I said it. Whatcha gonna do about it, eh? EH?

That's because of travel and budget constraints, though. It's very sweet of her to give me the time to make the game, even if it inconveniences her. There are even four dogs at the place where we game, and she's absolutely terrified of dogs.

She games, though. She was, originally, in the campaign, but had to drop out due to time constraints (like being pregnant and, now, taking care of the baby).

The group is very gracious about the whole thing, even, since originally "Game Night" was "Boys Night In" and everybody got to make bathroom humor and bawdy tales and drink beer. Hopefully once things straighten out, I won't have to burden game night with the occassional Baby Blitz.

--fje