I need bad D&D jokes! (my players stay out)

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"You walk into a room and see a single orc, and a pie......'

 

[Eben]

Sorry, I'm not used to telling jokes in English. Hope this comes over right.

A barbarian walks into a bar and orders 10 pints of ale. After he's finished those, he orders 9. Some time later he order 8. Later 7 more, then 6, then 5, then 4.
By the time he has just ordered 3 pints, one of the other patrons steps up to him and asks: "why do you order your drinks like this?"
The barbarians answers: "Haven't you noticed: the less I drink, the more drunk I get!"

 

[Dougal DeKree]

and then...

...there is the really old gnomish joke.


"How do Umberhulks smell?"

"Awful!"


Ouch, stop hitting me!

Dougal DeKree, retired gnomish Illusionist

 

[Kugar]

from the Necromancer Joke Thread .

A guy wearing black robes and reaking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.

The bartender mumbles "We don't serve no death mages here..."

The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to wisper, "One drink..."

The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says "Ok, one. What will you have"

The customer says "Make it a stiff one" As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.

The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. "Its pretty strong, made it myself". The guy in robes gasps "Stiffer!".

The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. "Stiffer!" The guy in robes is starting to pass out.

The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.

The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.

The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.

The bartender yells after him "That was amazing, what was that all about"

To which the necromancer says, "It takes a potent spirit to control the dead."

 

[kkoie]

An Orc, an Elf, a Human, a Kobold, and a Dwarf walk into an Inn. The Innkeeper looks up at them and says "What is this? A Joke?"

-

A beggar walks into a tavern and asks for a drink. The bartender looks at the other patrons and grins evilly "Suuure I'll even give you a drink on the house. You just have to do one thing first."

"Whats that?" said the beggar.

"See that spittoon over there? If you take one sip from it, I'll give you a beer, on the house!"

So the beggar shuffles over to the spittoon picks it up, and proceeds to take a drink. Much to the disgust and horror of the bartender and the other patrons, the beggar doesn't stop at a sip, he downs the whole awful thing without stopping for a breath!. "Gods man, I said take a sip, not drink the whole thing!"

"I couldn't help it, it was all in one stream."

K Koie

 

[Quartermoon]

"Do you know what this is? (Character places hands on top of someone's head and wiggles fingers.) It's an intellect devourer dying of hunger."

LOL! My favorite so far!

 

[Khan the Warlord]

Hey PC, any chance you could archive this thread when its ready?

This stuff is too hilarious to be buried!

 

[Piratecat]

You bet. Here's one, courtesy of Takyris:

A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!"

 

[DungeonKeeperUK]

A mage walks into his friendly Magic Shop "Magic R Us", items a plaenty stand on the signs while a foot tall pianist sits and plays tunes for the customers, on a sign at the front of the Counter are the words
"Ring of Wishes 1gp"
The Mage quickly roots through his belt pouch and buys the item before the merchant realises his mistake..
Not wanting to waste any he dons the ring and yells..
"I wish for a bag that is always full of gold"
**POOF**
Sure enough he now holds a bag in his had, however upon opening the bag he finds it filled with a variety of fungi and mold
He grabs the merchant by his coller, shaking him says..
"Hey I asked for a bag full of gold, and all I get is a bag full of mold......"
"Yeah.. " says the merchant " .. and you think I wished for the 12 inch pianist...."


Apologies to Granma if she gets this one...

 

[Forrester]

You bet. Here's one, courtesy of Takyris:

A druid likes to spend time as a fish, swimming around and enjoying the cool waters. One day, he's swimming, and he sees this bright shiny object. Intrigued, he tries to snap at it, but suddenly he finds himself hooked and pulled out of the water. Holding onto the line is a nymph who looks at the fish-shaped druid in surprise and says, "I thought you had Resist Nature's Lure!"

You see, this just shows how unrealistic your campaign is, PC. Telling jokes like this, the dwarven jester should have been killed long, long, LONG ago!