Part of the solution is to not let these things bother you any further than mild "how did that happen?" curiosity. It's all in fun, or so I thought.
Have you not, yourself, been one of the people to articulate that sometimes, for the fun to
be fun, we must take it seriously? That there need to be times where we
aren't, technically, having fun, in order for the fun to really be there at all?
Because that's where I'm at with this. I know I am a serious person (sort of. I'm often
very silly in-person, but when I put on my serious pants I go full-bore serious, and I will turn on a
dime between the two.) A good TTRPG requires both silliness and seriousness, "all in fun"
and "deep story and pathos and [etc.]", in order for me to really get full enjoyment out of it. Stuff that is just unrelentingly silly is a major turn-off. Stuff that
never lets
anything unserious happen is equally bad but, at least for me, harder to spot.
If it bothers someone to that extent, I'd probably give an explanation sooner if asked - once. If it bothers someone to that extent every time something unexplained happens, my responses would get less explanatory in a hurry because that's not a me problem, that's a them problem and not mine to fix.
I mean, is it? According to the people in this thread, the alleged game-on-offer is one where things are supposed to make sense, where plausibility/probability/reasonableness/etc. etc. are supposed to be of the highest priority, higher even than "are the players having fun" (as was explicitly articulated upthread), functionally the
single highest priority of the campaign.
If you find your players are repeatedly having a problem with what you've done, does that mean it's a them problem? Or does it mean you're failing to live up to the game you offered to run?
Perfect? No. Good enough for rock'n'roll, sure.
But that's not what people actually
say when you bring up examples. In order for it to be "good enough", the players must trust for literal months on end--possibly
half a year--without ANY evidence beyond "trust me". That sure as hell ain't what I would call "good enough". That's taking things on blind faith with the hope of maybe, possibly, someday, getting an explanation, all the while having to be blown about by what seems like the winds of change and chance, because things actually making sense is deferred for
literal months at a time.
Thing is, I think - or at least this is how it comes across - your definition of "suspicious DM behavior" is far more all-encompassing than it is for most of us.
Things I would consider suspicious DM behavior:
- Zero-discussion refusal to permit what other participants see as a reasonable, warranted course of action, doubly so if coupled with refusal to explain beyond "it will make sense eventually, please wait 3-6 business months"
- Surprising players with obstacles or dangers that should have been knowable or foreseeable, but which somehow went unnoticed until the moment they actually blocked something or caused harm or led to an ambush etc.
- Failure to be consistent with past adjudication, especially if each issue is functionally adjudicated as though for the first time (which is, IMO, the almost-guaranteed result of nearly-but-not-quite-all "rulings, not rules" paradigms*)
- "Explaining" a situation in such a way that only one valid course of action is permitted, even though many others should have been possible but just aren't for some reason that the players aren't allowed to know
- Keeping essential information black-boxed, or (more irritatingly) locking it behind excessively over-detailed required questions, such that the DM can then say "well you never ASKED" as an excuse
- Dismissing player feedback and concerns as not being worthy of attention, or (MUCH worse) even being outright harmful to the campaign
- Arbitrary decision-making, especially when the decision in question unavoidably leads to negative consequences the player(s) would have avoided, or at least tried to avoid, if they knew about it in advance
- Expecting expansive, pervasive trust for anything short of an overt, quantifiably harmful action or behavior (in effect, you can only complain if you have the proverbial "receipts")
- Refusing to ever entertain any form of criticism or player concern while in session, regardless of the player's reason
- "My way or the highway"-ism, where player criticism or concern is met with a near-instant "if you don't like it, you can always leave" response
These vary from pale yellow to vivid, burning red flags for me (in no particular order). Yellow flag being "cause for concern but not necessarily much of anything", red flags being "this is a clear and major concern that
needs to be addressed adequately".
I don't feel like any of these are particularly out of line or even unusual for the typical player.
*For context, Lanefan, I consider
your approach to not even actually BE "rulings, not rules". Your approach, as far as I'm concerned, is actually "my rules, not those rules".
They're still rules, and you expect
yourself to abide by them. They just might not be 1:1 matching up with the rules the publisher wrote down in their book--but
you still write them down in
some book, somewhere, and the players are free to read and learn them just as they could any other written rules. You are, to the best of my knowledge, the
only person who lays claim to the "rulings, not rules" mantle who does this to this extent. The
vast majority of the time, "rulings, not rules" refers to continuously re-generated
ad hoc judgments, never written down, and beholden only to the DM's memory (and very, VERY rarely player memory--if the DM decides to allow it).
"Rulings, not rules" has always meant, to me, that "rules" as such don't really exist. There are no rules. There's just what the DM says today. They might say something different next week. They might not. That's for next-week-DM to decide; right now you have today-DM saying what makes sense to today-DM. Though generally next-week-DM and today-DM agree pretty well. The bigger issue is today-DM vs six-months-from-now-DM.
They might as well be completely different people, for all the good it'll do you knowing what today-DM has told you.
And so, a question: what would be your take had you been in my game 5 months ago when they encountered sea water that was inexplicably unable to pour down a shaft into a dry chamber?
I would have probably thought it was really weird and asked, "Hey, is there some kind of magic or supernatural power keeping the water out?" or the like. I can generally anticipate that such an obviously unphysical behavior has to have a supernatural source. But maybe it's just a quirk of air pressure in this world, or something like that. A lampshade would do for such a comparatively minor issue.
The kinds of issues I'm talking about relate to player decisions and PC-affecting consequences. Hence the examples I've given. In a campaign where "realism"(/plausibility/reasonability/etc. etc.) is meant to be THE deciding factor, THE prime motivator over and above all other things, I'm going to have pretty high requirements about being given enough details to make an informed decision. I had thought such a thing was inherent in the very premise: the details will matter, they will be consistent, they will adhere to what you as a player know (either from our Earth, or from what the players have learned or got ample, real, non-gotcha, no-BS opportunities to learn and just failed to put in even a modicum of effort)