Real DnD Heroes

[aarondirebear]

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister mounted combat expert.
Mister mounted combat eh-hexpert!
You spent a lot of skill points, and feats on mounted combat, just so you can look manly riding a horse.
Such a stud
You never gave up or strayed from your path, even though by 10th level your mount died in the first round of every combat, rendering your feats and skills completely unusable.
Totally worthless
So at epic levels, you have developed a habit of towing a herd of horses along with you.
Such Horsepower!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister mounted combat expert.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

That's great. I'll give one a try:

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, Mister Two Weapon Drow Ranger.
Mister Two Weapon Drow Ranger
You are one of the most overused sterotypes ever encountered.
A real original
You overcame your heritage of evil to fight for the little guys.
The Gnomes love you
And you keep on fighting so that one day humanoids won't judge each other by their race.
Detecting Evil
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister Two Weapon Drow Ranger.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[kenobi65]

(For those of you non-Americans, who are wondering, "WTF?", this is a spoof of Bud Light's "Real American Heroes / Real Men of Genius" ad campaign, which is a tongue-in-cheek salute to those who make American life worthwhile, like the guy who invented jean shorts.)

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister spiked-chain wielder.
Mister spiked-chain wielder!
You decided to specialize in a totally made-up piece of rules cheese.
Cheesy cheesy!
You make combat grind to a halt, with your reach, touch attacks, trip attacks, disarm attacks, and whatever the hell else you can do with that stupid chain.
Totally broken!
Because all the great warriors of myth and legend used a big honking length of chain with knives or something welded to it.
Knives or something!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister spiked chain wielder.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[Goldmoon]

This is awesome, let me try.

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister charisma dump-stat fighter
Mister charisma dump-stat fi-ighter!
You have the strength and con of a Titan but all the social grace and charm of a gelatinous cube
Such a clod!
You don’t mind that you haven’t bathed or brushed your teeth in weeks as long as you can pump out massive damage with any weapon.
Oh-my-god what’s that smell!?
You could say the wrong thing at a convention of deaf-mutes who can’t read lips.
*lots of deaf people giving the middle finger*!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister charisma dump-stat fighter.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[hafrogman]

Too much fighter hate.

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister untrustworthy thieving jerk
Mister untrustworthy thieving jerk!
You think that writing Chaotic Neutral on your character sheet gives you license to be an ***hole.
What a prick!
You'd stab your own mother in the back for her last gold piece.
Times five multiplier!
Nobody shed a tear for you when the town guard caught you and removed both your hands.
An eye for an eye!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister untrustworthy thieving jerk
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[Goldmoon]

Sorry but I had to do another, besides, I know this guy!

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister thinks you’re Smooth role-player
Mister thinks you’re smooth role-pla-ayer!
You hit on every female NPC there is and if there’s an actual female playing….God help her!
Dude were just friends!
You couldn’t get lucky in a Brothel with a fist full of hundreds but on paper, you’re one sexy be-oich
My mom says I’m cute!
Everyone secretly laughs at your lame come-ons and cheesy accent but you don’t care because you’ve got an 18 Charisma.
How YOU doin'.
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister thinks you’re smooth role-player.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[Mycanid]

Drat ... ... I have never seen the commercial and so can't add to the thread....

 

[Goldmoon]

Drat ... ... I have never seen the commercial and so can't add to the thread....

search youtube for "Real american Heroes"

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Just for the record...

A-B actually released the soundtracks to all of those commercials in CD form.

They sell them at their theme parks.

I have one. (Hey...$3 each for pop culture gold!)

And while I'm passing through...

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, mister super blaster evoker
Mister super blaster evoker!
You got kicked out of the Magic Academy for repeatedly casting Explosive Empowered Maximized fireballs!
It was rubble anyway!
Your spells have the subtlety of a Tarrasque in a china shop!
That village was full of inordinately flammable people!
Your sneezes are outlawed in 15 countries, because they kill everyone in a 400 yard radius!
What a nifty use of Contingency!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, mister super blaster evoker.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!

 

[Simplicity]

Dwarven ale presents Real DnD Heroes.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!
Today we salute you, Mister overly descriptive player-text writer.
Mister overly descriptive player-text wriiiiter!
There's a story here, and you're going to tell it. And there's no better way to tell it than in a 5x5 room with a mural.
If you have a bard!
Combat is hectic. Why not slow down and smell the roses? The fragrant crimson roses.
Eat my thesaurus!
A room may be empty, but it certainly doesn't have to sound it. Not when you've got a major in architecture and a minor in writing.
Please tell me there's something!
So have yourself a nice Dwarven Ale, Mister overly descriptive player-text writer.
Real D N D Heeero-ohs!