Stuff D&D players never say (except when they do)

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Points at nearby NPC...

...when the giant asked "WHO DID THAT!"

(The NPC illusionist survived. The players were actually surprised when he refused to continue adventuring with the party.)


"Who was this guy? Why did he attack us? Maybe we should have asked some questions before we killed him. Anyone know Speak with Dead?"

"Hey baby, can I buy you a drink?"

OOC: "I look around the shop. Is anyone watching me?"

"Wait, what are we supposed to do again?"

"First let me get my full plate armor out of my backpack and put it on."

"I can just ride on your shoulders."

"I don't give bribes to guards!" *attacks*

"Hello, I have 24 Goblin swords I'd like to sell. How much will you give me?"

"Leave me alone kid, or I kill you."

"Just cast invisibility on us and we'll hold hands while you fly us over."

"I think we can take em!"


When confronting essentially a Balrog (in e6 pathfinder).
Sorcerer: "I think I'll try Scorching Ray again"
Oracle: "Its one FIRE! Use you f**king Ray of Frost!"
Sorcerer: "But that only does 1d3 damage"
Fighter: "We are going to die"

"I don't do sneaky" Paladin says to rogue currently attempting to sneak ahead and see what the monster is, right before the paladin charges into the next room.

Elf Ranger: "You can't say the red dragon is evil" (failed knowledge check)
Dwarf Cleric: "It's a red dragon, it is evil!" (made check)
Elf Ranger: "That's racist, you can't judge the dragon by skin color."
Dwarf Cleric: "It is a DRAGON that is what you are supposed to do! The gods color coded them for this!"
Elf Ranger: "You don't have to come if you are going to keep making these racist remarks."
Human Rogue: "Maybe this one is just misunderstood."
Orc Barbarian: "I think the dwarf is right."
Elf Ranger: "You are both racist, we're going!"
We lost half the party in the first encounter, got the village, forest, and rest of the party killed in the attempt to flee.


"Although if his alignment is too far off I don't know how he would keep it from the group for long with our beady eyed paladin hanging around."

"I need help with heads over here!" - Trying to decapitate regenerating Ogre Mages

"If we're down another horse, we're in trouble."

"When I saw it I felt fearful - more than normal" - Said by our brave paladin.


Staff member
  • "Talisman of Zagy? Man, I wish I knew what that was!" *poof*
  • "Ummmm...what side of the prismatic sphere was the Paladin on?"
  • "I attack the Watermelon Ental!" (Player could not say "water elemental")
  • "I grab the fiery gem!" (Delayed Blast Fireball)
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I don't remeber why, but in one campaign breakfast was somehow very important...
Fighter, OOC: Did he dump my bacon on the floor, too?
GM: The table is effectively overturned, and all your food is scattered across the floor.
Rogue: "Seriously, who attacks people at breakfast?!?"
Fighter: "That's it! How many raise dead scrolls do we have?"
Wizard: "Uh, two, why? We can't resurrect breakfast."
Fighter: "But we can torture this bastard to death, twice."
Rogue: "Thrice."
Fighter: "Three times. And even that won't make up for the bacon."​

In one campaign, we had a chaos sorcerer who was really good at getting us in trouble, and getting herself out.
"Maybe it only thinks it's a dragon?"
- Lihnou, our stupid halfling chaos sorcerer.

"Don't worry. Even if I hit you, the ongoing damage doesn't hurt so long as you make your save."
- Lihnou, our stupid halfling chaos sorcerer.​

And finally, in my current campaign, we had a new player (Apokolypse the Warlock) who didn't understand that another player (Rotta the Ranger) would role play his character's personality flaws at the expense of maintaining group unity.
Rotta, OOC: Okay, my character is really paranoid and takes lethal action against people he thinks might harm him. He looks like he is readying himself for a fight.
Rotta: "If you value your life, you will think very hard about what you are saying. I do not appreciate being threatened."
Apokolypse: "If I were threatening you, you'd be dead already."
Rotta, OOC: I roll for initiative.​
And about 15 minutes later.
Orphan the Swordmage: "Well, we could find a necromancer to bring him back. I bet that would be cheaper."
Azalie the Bard: "What the hell would we do with a zombie Apokolypse?"​

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