Stuff D&D players never say (except when they do)


"Well, we didn't have a plan last time and it worked."

"I'm not going. Eventually, the apocalypse will reach us. That way I can spend my time preparing for it, instead of chasing blindly after it."

"You were supposed to keep an eye on the rogue. Does anybody know where the halfling went this time - with our gold?"

"You're not supposed to laugh after I hit you."

The party is a bunch of pirates who just have acquired a new galleon. They are considering purchasing a ram for ship-to-ship actions. After looking at the costs and stats, the Paladin declares "Just put a pedestal out front where I can stand like a masthead, I do more damage than a boat."

log in or register to remove this ad


Staff member
DM: "Well, there is an altar on the dais that is devoted to Moradin."

Me: "On the dais?"

DM: "On the dais."

All the players (singing with German accents): "On the dais, on the dais...on the dais! On the dais, on the dais...on the dais! On the dais, on the dais...Oh, oh, oh on the dais!"

Me (singing with German accent): "There is an altar on the dais!"


Here are a couple. One of my players keeps a journal of all the lines said at the table that busts us up. I should get a copy of that, b/c those are the only two that spring to mind.

I like my women with egg bearing hips.

What is the hardness of a dwarf?

He rode that wizard like an elevator to the bottom of that chimney.

Whilst searching through a vast library of documents to find a clue to a problem in the adventure:
DM (me): It will take you quite some time to find something here are you sure you want to go through all these books?
Wizard: Yeah, what's my save versus paper cut?
Cleric: It's okay, I have a wand of Cure Minor Wounds
Ranger: Wait these books are made from the remnants of trees, can I resurrect them?
Fighter: Can't I just hit the books a few times and the answer will flop out
Thief: I begin reading to get this over with
Me: Ummm, doesn't your character have a 7 Int?
Thief: I didn't say I was successfully reading....
Me: Okay, I need some air.

Low level Wizard: I'm out of spells, I'm useless
Over Zealous Fighter:No you're not. OOC I pick up the mage and bash the kobolds with him. IC: See, you are too useful.


Rotten DM
Me " An ancient red dragon flys over the party, panicing the horses. Roll to control them."
Stupid Player " I shoot an arrow at it."
Old player, "Don't. Its just flavor text"
Stupid player, "we 4th level. Jasper would never let us encounter something totally out our league. Nat 19...
Me and the rest of group, " yes I/he would". Stupid player was still mad weeks later that I kill his new horse, and the rest of group gave the dragon his share of loot for their lives.

Fighter while visiting the king's castle to pick the next quest," I am 8th level grandma, don't care if you 80 (years old) or who your son is. " Slap! She was 5th level, and her son was the king.

Me, the typhoon has be raging for 2 days. The roof in one part of inn has ripped off and is leaking into the inn."
Player, Excuse now that you mention it. I have to go!"


First Post
This quote from our previous D&D-session doesn't poke fun at the game but still it certainly fits the thread title:
DM: "This creature is mainly a human."
Player: "What?! It's some sort of tranny!"

Um. That is a huge amount of lose and fail right there. We have transgendered members here on ENWorld, and implying that they are not human is pretty hurtful.

If you would consider the same implication about someone of a non white race to be horrible, it's not a good idea to make it about a non standard gender either.

Remove ads


Remove ads

Upcoming Releases