TOUCHY SUBJECT RANT: What if you don't like the people you game with?

[dreaded_beast]

Some of you may have already read some of my previous posts and rants about my gripes with gaming groups, DMs, etc. I have recently broke off with my current gaming group and have been mulling over my reasons for doing so and for leaving other gaming groups in the past. I have been in my share of gaming groups, tiny to large, relatively older or younger players when compared to myself, etc.

However, my most recent gaming group experience was a mixed bag. I have come to the conclusion that the major reason for me leaving the group was that I did not particularly like the members of the group as people. On one hand, the gaming itself was excellent, some of my most enjoyable gaming expereinces were with this group.

On the other hand, I just didn't "like" them as people. I didn't really consider them my friends, at best I would call them acquantinces; at worst, the members of the group that I did not care for, I would sometimes give the proverbial "cold shoulder" or try to have minimal interaction with them during the game (usually this was at the start of the session, but as the night progress, I would relax and open up more, but eventually I would still leave the session with mixed feelings, regardless of how I actually acted "in-front" of the person in question, most of the time I doubt many members of the group actually knew my true feelings about them, since I did my best to hide my slowly growing dislike of them).

I realize that it would probably help if I was open and honest with the other players instead of keeping my concerns to myself, but that was big facet of the overall problem.

The main problem was between myself and the DM (who didn't know that over the years, my dislike for him grew). He would always be one to say that he was approachable and open for questioning, etc., which was true enough, unless he was in a bad mood (which was most of the time and usually the result of stress from work, etc.) If he was tired or in a bad mood, he would be quick to lecture you on how rules work (even resulting in halting the game for a brief time) or sometimes even literally snap at you. He would be quick to point out your mistakes or correct you, but he did not like it if you did that to him, so it was some sort of double-standard in my opinion. I'm not the type of person who like people who think its OK to point out other's mistakes but take offense when you point out their's.

This resulted in me not feeling that I could approach him with my problems or concerns about him in general, so this caused me to keep most of my minor feelings of dislike bottled up over the years. Eventually as the years passed, not being able to be open and to many times swallow my pride and not be able to "talk-back" to the DM, I finally grew to dislike him as a person, which in turn caused me to be more critical in my opinions of his rulings, how the game was run, and even my attitudes toward the other players.

There are many more things involved (personality quirks, conflicts, etc), but basically, I grew to dislike the DM and players over the years, as people and didn't consider them my friends, although in person, I always tried to put on a "happy" face, regardless of my actual feelings towards them.

I believe the only reason I came back was because I invested so much time in my character and honestly still had some fun playing with the group. The DM, for all my feelings of dislike of him, was actually very good and ran one of the best games I ever played. Unfortunately, I believe it had come to the point that I was "using" them as a group of people to play DND with.

I'm sure this doesn't paint a very pretty picture of myself, but I am trying to be honest, since that is something that I could not do with my former group and DM, which lead me to become this way.

So, has anyone had any similar situations or feelings and were you able to deal with it or solve your problems?

For myself, I have left the group and am currently in the process of looking for a new one that is a better fit for me.

 

[Crothian]

I don't game with people I do not call friend. I'm very picky about whom I game with and my Tuesday night group is proof of that seiing's how there's only the 4 of us. I found most of them through EN World, so just look until you find them and don't forget about drafting friends.

 

[jmucchiello]

This is not a TOUCHY SUBJECT in the least. Don't socialize with people you don't like is one of the core rules of having fun. Gaming is socializing. Aside from a 4 hour pickup game at a convention, there is no reason to game with people you don't like.

I have a question though: Did you not like all of them equally? Were they all not your type? Were more less appealing (as friends) than others among them? (There may be 3 question marks but really that is one question. )

 

[Mordane76]

I have gamed with people I met as a result of the gaming interest, but with one caveat -- I have never gamed with someone I didn't meet in a non-gaming environment first. If I couldn't stand that person outside of the game, I simply didn't meet with them again or invite them to join us. I always meet prospective players in non-gaming situations first, to get my gut reaction to them; this might sound like an interviewing process... and it is. If I don't think I could get to know this person outside of the game and hang out with them doing things other than gaming... then they don't get in, and I tell them that I'm not interested in them being in our game. It's all handled in an adult manner, with honesty and straightforwardness.

There's just too many things that can go awry when you're playing with people you wouldn't associate with outside of the hobby -- about the only time this might be acceptable is at a convention, where you don't ever have to see that person again afterwards if you couldn't stand them. But with a home game, we're talking about logistics and locations; I wouldn't want someone I didn't like having my address or the address of one of my friends.


When we get someone who's path has diverged from us socially and/or gaming/wise, we tell them. We had a person that we didn't want in our game anymore -- he was okay to start, but he grew to be more and more bellicose and obviously socially inept; his personality slowly began to show signs of a control freak, mixed in with a healthy dose of assumed superiority. Also, he didn't seem to have much of a life outside of the hobby, or least a life he was willing to share with the rest of us, so it just wasn't fun to be around him because all we talked about was gaming. Finally, we just told him -- we don't want to game with you anymore. You're not welcome at the table anymore, and this here are our reasons why. Sure -- it hurt; he was upset, but he went his way, and the game went on.

 

[Teflon Billy]

I can tell you from past posts on this subject that my experiences do not match those of the majority, but I will post here anyway.

I don't play with people who aren't my friends or are not the friends of current players. The End.

Seriously. we used to play a live-action Vampire LARP and by god that was great fun. But as it becasme mroe popular, and the roster got larger and larger, it became more and more populated with social retards.

Eventually it was not worth our time to play, it ws just too much efort to deal with complete jerkoffs. I and my cronies from the game kept in touch and the nucleus of our current gaming crcle was born. It was born with this mantra already in place: "I will not game with people I wouldn't do other stuff with".

And it's served us well.

Most folks on these boards (or at least in previous threads) seem to play with people that they don't necessarily see outside of gaming. That is a really alien concept to me.

 

[Teflon Billy]

....about the only time this might be acceptable is at a convention...

I find convention gaming to have a much worse rate of acceptability than games I've set up with random people from my circle of friends.

I am most often grossly disappointed by the RPG's at conventions, and pretty much resign myself to strategy gaming at cons now (when I go at all).

The exeption was Piratecat's Spycraft game at Gen Con with Alsih2o, Zarathustran, Pielorhino, Spider and myself.

That was a blast! but it is, I think, the exception that proves the rule.

 

[WizarDru]

Once more am I reminded of how lucky I am to game with people who don't suck.

To my players: Thanks. You guys rawk.

To dreaded_beast: D&D is a social game, primarily played with the intent of assuming a role as part of the fun. If you don't like the people you're playing with, then it's not going to be AS fun, and eventually will stop being fun entirely. Group compatability is essential to more than a single session pickup game at a con.

Some people change over time; some for the better, some for the worse and some just change for the different. For that matter, whether you're aware of it or not, you've probably changed, too. If you no longer enjoyed the company of the other players or the DM, then the fun is just going to be of a continuing diminishing value.

 

[WizarDru]

I can tell you from past posts on this subject that my experiences do not match those of the majority, but I will post here anyway.

I don't play with people who aren't my friends or are not the friends of current players. The End.

You know, I never really examined it before...but I've always followed this rule, unintentionally. It never occured to me before because I always end up inviting people in to my games, so they're almost always folks I've known beforehand....or they're folks who've gamed with friends, who have been somewhat 'screened' first.

 

[Wormwood]

I've just left a year-long campaign because of interpersonal friction. Removing the offending persons was impossible, as they were good friends with some of the more worthwhile players . . . and one of the worst offenders was the DM.

So we ended the game.

While I do miss the game, I don't miss the jerks who helped ruin it.

On the plus side, I now have more time to concentrate on my own campaign (with my best friends---guys I've known and loved for about 15 years).

 

[orchid blossom]

I also do not game with people I wouldn't be friends with outside of a game. Although there have been people I count as friends that I wouldn't game with. We just had personality problems in game that didn't surface outside.

Even as I sat in on my first D&D 3e game after I moved to Albany, I not only asked myself if the game was good, but if I would want to spend time with these people outside the game.

Gaming is about fun, and playing with people you don't like isn't. Don't do it.