What's a fane and what would you do with it if you had one? [humor?]

[Steverooo]

If I Only had a Fane (Missing Verses):

I could figure out the riddle,
Of any individ'al,
With no trouble, and no pain!
With the thoughts that I'd be thinkin',
I could poison what yer drinkin'
(If I only had a fane)!

I'd commisserate the nations,
And putrify yer rations,
And make you go insane!
And all yer thoughts I'd be knowin',
And the world with fires glowin'
(If I only had a fane)!

I would rule the Universe,
With dreadful edicts, terse
(If I only had a fane)!
I'd be acknowledged as The Master,
And I'd blast that cursed caster
(If I only had a fane)!

All the Fighting-men would fear me!
All the Rogues couldn't get near me!
And to Monks I'd be a bane!
Oh, the Clerics, they would rue me,
Druids can't get to me
(If I only had a fane)!

I'd outrage the wild Barbarian,
And the Bards would simply run
(And never sing again)!
Oh, the Paladins and Rangers,
Would be made my skivvy-changers
(If I only had a fane)!

And the Sorcerers and Wizards,
Would be off'ring up their gizzards
(with much screaming, blood, and pain)!
And those STEENKING Prestige Classes,
I would bottle in small glasses
(If I only had a fane)!

So, I'm building me a temple,
And I'll keep it really simple
(Architecture is a pain)!
I'll be the Multiversial Master,
Ruin Universes faster,
'Cause then I will have a fane!

 

[Rel]

What would I do if I had a fane?

I'd probably buy a nice rug to put in it. A nice rug really ties a fane together.

The demon abides.



(I am so TOTALLY going to name the next demon in one of my games "Lebowski"!)

 

[Eldorian]

What would I do if I had a fane?

I'd probably buy a nice rug to put in it. A nice rug really ties a fane together.

The demon abides.



(I am so TOTALLY going to name the next demon in one of my games "Lebowski"!)

Man, I'm not Lebowski, man. I'm the Demon man. The Demonoringo, the Demonmiester. Or the just the Demon, if you're into that whole brevity thing.

Eldorian Antar

 

[Simplicity]

Demon: Rrrrraaaaaaarrrrgghhh!!!

[We've secretly replaced this demon's fane with Folger's crystals. Let's see how he reacts...]

Demon: Bow before me, human slime! [sluuuuurp] Mmmmm... My fane is quite tasty this morning... PREPARE TO DIE, HUMAN!!

Human: No... Please don't kill me... AAaaaaaa!!!

Demon: Yes, scream... SCREAM FOR MERCY!!!! AH-Hahahaha!!!! [sluuuurp] Mmmmm... Did you do something to my wall? Normally, this wall here has more of a gristly, taste... And I hardly taste any bone flecks at all! It tastes... rich, like the souls of the flayed.

Human: That's because you're tasting Folger's crystals!

Demon: Folger's crystals?!?!

Human: That's right, Folger's crystals. With it's full-bodied aroma, and deep, hearty taste, you can't even tell it isn't a gourmet hell-roasted fane.

 

[Desdichado]

However, I must shake my fist at the sky, and loudly curse you, because now I have that damned tune stuck. In. My. Head! ARGH!

Does this help? When I read it, I was playing my 80s mp3 folder on winamp, and Mr. Roboto by Styx just happened to be on at the time. I actually had a hard time doing the song in my head with "Domo arigato" blaring in my ear.

 

[Enkhidu]

Wow. I must have an evil little mind, because I ended up thnking something partiularly vile (as in BoVD vile).

Like this (with apologies to Rodgers, Hammerstein, and just about everyone who can read this):



We got hellfire on the rocks,
We got brimstone by the block,
We got larvae, manes, and night hags
Though there's not a lot in stock.
We got torturing and blood sports
And a lot of solar's banes -
What ain't we got?
We ain't got fanes!

We get packages of bile,
We get sendings, all most vile,
We get speeches from our Arch-fiend
And advice that is worthwhile,
We get schackles doused with red gore,
We get dizzy from the smell!
What don't we get?
You know damn well!

We got nothin' to lock our thumb screw sets to
We got nothin' to chain up demonic pets to!

CHORUS
There is nothin' like a fane!
Nothin' in the worlds!
There is nothin' you can gain
That is anything like a fane!



I can't go on...

 

[Angcuru]

Bees like honey.

 

[I'm A Banana]

DEMON:
You know, it was all nice and quiet around here for a long time...then I got this new fane, and all of a sudden adventurers are clammoring, kings are bowing, the press is taking notes on my every movement. By the bombastic bowels of baazlebub, I can't even marry a nice mindwiped princess to further my fiendish plans without some local rag taking notes about it. And don't get me started...some of these things are grossly innaccurate. I mean, this one here has an account of me with the Yeti. Hell, I don't even *exist* in Oriental Adventures!

Oh, woe is me, paying the harsh price of fane...

 

[Angcuru]

you DO know what a fane is, right?

 

[Simplicity]

Or for those Demons who cannot afford a fane...

Feign Fane
Illusion [Evil]
Level: Sor/Wiz 5
Components: V, S, M, F
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: Long (400 ft. + 40 ft./level)
Effect: Create an illusionary fane.
Duration: 1 hour +1 hour/three levels
Saving Throw: None
Spell Resistance: Yes

Created by the Fiends without Fanes organization,
the Feign Fane spell allows fiends to create an illusionary
fane within which they may reign. In a feigned fane, reigning fiends fear no rain.