Why do women send mixed signals?

[The Traveler]

If people don't like me or think I'm weird becuase I don't talk muck. Its they're loss.

This is the classic social fallacy of people who aren't even trying.

If you feel someone has to take the effort to know you in order to be worthwhile, remember this goes both ways.

Asperger's is not a crutch. It's certainly good to be aware that you have it, but don't use it to rationalize your own social problems. Don't use it as an excuse.

You are capable of talking to people and being social. Just because it's difficult for you doesn't mean it's not worth it.

 

[Obryn]

TB, thanks for speaking for me. You know me so well. I have been taking all this advice in and thinking about my best action. Do not judge me, now that was an attack, IMO. I will not sink to your level and attack you back.

TB didn't speak for you - he quoted your posts and let you speak for yourself.

-O

 

[Humanophile]

Billy: For all that you're on a hair trigger, Ken seems nowhere near as bad as some relationship threads we've both seen. A lot of this seems more like venting than asking for some kung-fu secrets that'll have him surrounded by hotties. So is he on some level being emotional and petulant? Yes, that's what kvetching on the internet is for. I'm willing to give him points that he's willing to try more than some people here expect.

Ken: Would it be nice if girls were honest and less crazy? Yes. It'd also be nice if someone randomly handed me millions of dollars, but I know better than to hold my breath on that. I'm afraid games et. al. are part of the dating game. There are ways to bypass all of that, but they involve extraordinary stretches of singleness, if not lifelong celibacy.

I will also ask you two things, point-blank. First, what do you realistically expect of a girl; since you're happy going online to look, what would make you pass a profile by, and what would make you not return a message? (Or send a "not interested" reply, as the case may be.) This is our turn to gauge "KenM on the market"; keeping in mind that you have to select from the pool of available women, and that they in turn have to see you as standing out amongst the pool of available men. It's a game, dude, and you have to learn to punch your weight.

More importantly, though, how long ago was this prior "relationship" with this screwed up girl you knew? How much do you let it weigh on your mind? My girl history is rather a comedy of errors, and I'm quite familiar with how one thing hanging on my mind could get in the way of my getting along well with someone new. If this previous girl keeps getting stuck in your mind, even if she never consciously comes up in conversation, that'll still skew things against you. I'm afraid I have no advice for clearing your palate - saying "just get over it" never seems to work - but it should still help you accurately appraise what missteps you might be making.

 

[KenM]

TB didn't speak for you - he quoted your posts and let you speak for yourself.

-O

He answered a question that was directed right at me. Therefore trying to answer the question himself, if we were all standing around at a party and someone asked me a question, no one would expect some one else to answer, would they?
Humanophile, for the first question, I'm looking for a non smoker/ drug user(I say this in my personal ad), She has to sound at least somewaht interesting in her ad, I won't respnd to someone that just put down "any" for most of what she is looking for. Someone around my own age. I try to give someone at least a chance, but if they do something that appears to be a blow off or that she is not interested, then I call it off fast.
As to the other question, that screwed up girl was my last big relationship. It has been like 4 months since I decided to call it off due to her drug use. I know thats soon, I'm trying not to let it effect how I go into other relationships. But I hope to look at the positives of the relationship and use it as a learning expence.

 

[The Traveler]

I try to give someone at least a chance, but if they do something that appears to be a blow off or that she is not interested, then I call it off fast.

As has been asked above repeatedly, if you're admittedly not good at reading people why do you insist on trusting your instincts on this particular thing?

 

[I'm A Banana]

From what I know (and I admit a large part of ignorance in this), blind people don't go around saying "I can't do that, I'm blind." Instead, they use all available facilities and methods to work around being blind and function as a normal part of visual society. Seeing eye dogs, helper monkeys, canes, shades, braille, physical contact, speaking loud, developing habitual actions...all sorts of things that mitigate their blindness and help them to fit into a world that is mostly not blind. They take other people's expectations, and they work to meet them. They don't ask that other people change their expectations.

From KenM's posts, he does seem to want other people to change their behavior, at least if they want to be accepted by him. Rather than accepting people for what they are (meaning, accepting people for the duplicitous, conniving, tricky beings that humans tend to be), he wants them to change. He wants girls to stop playing games with him, honesty to govern his interactions, and people to say what they mean to him, because he says what he means to them. Almost like "I suffer from this, so the people who want to be important to me should, too!"

In wanting this out of the world, he wants a fantasy that is never really going ot be achieved. And in refusing to adapt himself to anything but this fantasy, he shoves out the rest of the world. And when you shove out the rest of the world, becoming self-centered and lonely are common reprocussions (as someone who has definately suffered from shoving out the rest of the world in my past, this I know from experience).

If you continually demand that your expectations be met, you will be continually dissapointed. Being dissapointed often leads to sadness and depression ("why is everyone so bad?") or egotism and self-rightousness ("why isn't anyone better than this?!").

Though to a far lesser degree than some of the other posters here, the root ends up being the same, it seems: when you go into self-imposed exile, people today don't generally think you're making a comment on the state of affairs. People today generally think you're being a dick. If you want the world to live up to your expectations, you have to take an active hand in it and settle for small victories. And you can't take an active hand in changing the world by sitting back and making demands of it.

 

[KenM]

Well, I know I can't change the world. I know most people do lie and are deceptive. (at least in my view) This I why I don't go to social gatherings much, I'm sure they are being fake. When someone is deceptive with me, I then choose not to spend time with them anymore. So its easier for me to stay home and "be a dick", at least they are not lieing to me.

 

[The Traveler]

This I why I don't go to social gatherings much, I'm sure they are being fake. When someone is deceptive with me, I then choose not to spend time with them anymore.

This is getting to be a broken record.

 

[KenM]

As has been asked above repeatedly, if you're admittedly not good at reading people why do you insist on trusting your instincts on this particular thing?

Because I have to try. But try in my own way, not under what society says is "OK" to tell lies. I expect people to be totally honest with me, if not, then they are out of my life. Its that simple. At night I sleep good knowing I did not decive anyone and told the truth. At least i'm not being fake with anyone.

 

[The Traveler]

Because I have to try. But try in my own way, not under what society says is "OK" to tell lies. I expect people to be totally honest with me, if not, then they are out of my life. Its that simple. At night I sleep good knowing I did not decive anyone and told the truth. At least i'm not being fake with anyone.

It strikes me just as something that keeps you within your comfort level.

The trouble being you're over-rationalizing it, and it keeps you from meeting new people and having friends.

Life is risk, Ken. If you're not willing to risk yourself in these situations, why do you expect other people to do it for you? You're going to fall on your ass more often than not, but that's half the fun of it.

You can't insulate yourself from life and then complain about what you're missing out on. You're getting hung up on something that is ultimately very small, and not realizing that it's part and parcel of dealing with people.

Whatever noble narrative you imagine for yourself to rationalize what you're doing is ultimately hurting you. You're trying to tell yourself you're doing the right thing, but that's cold comfort in the long run.