Why do women send mixed signals?

[barsoomcore]

I have Asperger Syndrome.

Don't let that make you feel like you can't cope or you can't find someone who's healthy and good for you. My dad has that VERY strongly. It makes him very frustrating for some people, but he's found a good woman who's perfect for him.

I have it myself (not nearly as strongly as my dad does, but still), and honestly, it's not really a disadvantage in and of itself. It's just part of who you are and it affects the type of folks you'll find attractive and who find you attractive.

There's no shortage of women who are sick to death of listening to "small talk" and just want someone to take them at their word, believe me.

 

[EricNoah]

Thanks for everyones input. I'm about to tell you people something I have not shared with that many people. I have Asperger Syndrome. Basically I have a very hard time reading body laguage, social cues, ect.. I really dislike large social situations and I shy away from them. I have trouble making "small talk", ect.. So when someone says "lets meet for dinner", i think thats what she wants to do.

Cool, that's really helpful info to have. A smile can mean a hundred things, yes can mean no, and "I like you" can mean "I don't really like you." That's hard for anyone to decipher, and sounds like it is extra-challenging for you.

"Yes let's meet for dinner" in this case probably really meant "Tentative yes, with the option to back out because I haven't totally made up my mind yet." The good news: it probably had nothing to do with you!

Edit: This "mixed signals" thing brings me back to another part of "Games People Play" -- the theory that everyone communicates on two levels. My rational "adult" might say "Do you still want to meet for dinner?" Her rational "adult" might say "No, there's been a change of plans, etc." What her "child" might be hearing from you is your parent saying "You promised and a person should keep their promises" and her "child" responds "Nya nya nya, I can do what I want." Yet another layer of complexity.

 

[Teflon Billy]

Cool, that's really helpful info to have. A smile can mean a hundred things, yes can mean no, and "I like you" can mean "I don't really like you." That's hard for anyone to decipher

It really isn't all that hard when taken in context.

and sounds like it is extra-challenging for you.

Yep. But if you are going to try and socialize while nursing a scorching case of Aspergers, you literally can't start going on about stuff you can't comprehend as being "Game playing", "Evil" or "Lying" when 99% of the people you meet out there are going to be using this mode of communication (normal, everyday interaction) as their primary one.

It will make you crazy.

Start adapting.

"Yes let's meet for dinner" in this case probably really meant "Tentative yes, with the option to back out because I haven't totally made up my mind yet." The good news: it probably had nothing to do with you!

I concur.

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

Ken,

Men play "games" too. Everyone experiences fear, doubt, and likes to keep their options open when outside of their comfort zone.

But dude!! Big Mistake! - You let her off the hook with your "Still wanna meet tonight?" line. Never offer an out once the deal is done. Chances are she was nervous about meeting a stranger, and you just gave her an out.

If you call her next week, and if you aren't acting like some puppy that got kicked (who wants to deal with a gulit trip from a relative stranger?), and can express genuine confidence, humour and interest (be yourself!) you'll get a date. If not, you don't want one - with her.

 

[devilbat]

But dude!! Big Mistake! - You let her off the hook with your "Still wanna meet tonight?" line. Never offer an out once the deal is done. Chances are she was nervous about meeting a stranger, and you just gave her an out

Good point!

 

[Teflon Billy]

Ken,

Men play "games" too. Everyone experiences fear, doubt, and likes to keep their options open when outside of their comfort zone.

Yup

But dude!! Big Mistake! - You let her off the hook with your "Still wanna meet tonight?" line. Never offer an out once the deal is done. Chances are she was nervous about meeting a stranger, and you just gave her an out.

Yup. Never call to ask the same question twice, unless you want a different answer.

If you call her next week, and if you aren't acting like some puppy that got kicked (who wants to deal with a gulit trip from a relative stranger?), and can express genuine confidence, humour and interest (be yourself!) you'll get a date. If not, you don't want one - with her.

Do not "be yourself" if yourself doesn't list the aforemetnioned "confidence", "humour" and "interest" amongst your qualities.

So, by all means get the date if you can, but as Eric pointed out above, this is a dance, and She has just pulled back.

At dinner, you pull back a bit.

Find something she says to disagree with. You have Aspergers, your facility with rational arguent should be good enough. Prove her point wrong.

She has stalled you for a date, don't be a dick...but don't be sweet either. Work her a little.

if it starts getting too tense, offer to "Agree to disagree" and move on.

See if she get's back into it

She probably will.

And no, I don't know why or understand the behaviour. I just know that it works.

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

OK - So youre asking yourself now, what DO I say then? Have a plan. Something like this will work wonders:

"Hi Julie, it's Ken - How was your 4th of July weekend?

Really, that sounds fun - tell me more about X you just mentioned!

Great, I did X Y AND Z - Goodtimes!

Hey listen: I know we didn't get a chance to meet last week, but I was thinking we can meet this next week. I really like X place, it great because of 1 2 3, we can meet there , then go do Y. What day works best for you? "

You aren't ( openly) dissapointed about last week
You are interested in what she did and says
you had fun - you are strong and resourceful
You have a PLAN!!!!
End with a closed end question that leads where you want to go.

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

Teflon's advice about disagreeing occasionaly is good. It illustrates your independance, and strong will, which are very attractive qualities - but beware - these are advanced techniques and could get a rookie in trouble if you pick the wrong topic. Remember, Puppies and Daffodils are always good, even if you have allergies!

 

[nerfherder]

She told you to call her after the weekend right? I'm just not seeing a big, obvious game being played here Ken. She might be on the level. From your transcipt of your phonecall it sounds like she might've been preoccupied.

Call her after the weekend. If she's got another excuse, write her off.

She made the first move and asked you out, then cancelled. Sounds like there's a decent chance it was genuine, then. Do as TB says and call her next week.

I've just seen BigFreekinGoblinoid's advice on planning your conversation, and it is spot on. Be confident, be interested, be positive.

Oh, and don't be afraid to say "sorry, I'm not free Tuesday and Thursday next week, can we make it Wednesday?". It lets her know that you already have a social life and don't just sit at home watching TV and surfing the internet every night. A female friend told me that little "game".

Cheers,
Liam

 

[Teflon Billy]

I have trouble making "small talk", ect.. So when someone says "lets meet for dinner", i think thats what she wants to do.

That is rough. If it makes you feel better, go to This thread to see what a truly low-fuctioning case of Aspergers looks like

I think you'll find you aren't as far gone as you think.

We had a guy in my hometown who had Aspergers, and he was ultra-annoying. He went on and on about our other friend's Girlfriend and how they shouldn't be together because our other Friend had once described a different girl as a "10".

The guy couldn't get used to the idea that if our other friend had a ideal in mind, why he would bother settling for his current girl. He basically--no matter how many times we told him--was incapable of understanding the idea that our other friend was just making "Guy Talk" when he described this other girl as a "10".

It got damn annoying to our other Friend's girlfriend. Our friend with Aspergers would mention this in front of her a lot, and because to his mind it was "true" (ie. he had heard it himself) he couldn't figure why she would be upset...after all, doesn't everyone love "The Truth"?

(Note to Ken...no, they don't )

God help anyone who asked him "how's it going?" or "What's up?" as a greeting. You would get a rundown of the last six months of his life in painstaking, boring, detail rahter than the expected "fine"

Anyway, the point of this tale is that that guy got help and in Small town Canada no less. Not pharmaceutical help...just a nice therapist explaining to him stuff other people learn without explanation: Body language, small talk, etc.

What I'm sayin is that this stuff isn't voodoo. It can be learned.