Why do women send mixed signals?

[Teflon Billy]

She said I should call after this weekend. But I'm not going to, sounds to me like she wanted to blow me off.

It's your call of course, but you've admitted you are crappy at "Reading Signals"

I'm just sick of women pulling this crap.

Better get used to it. My Grandfather relates comparable tales

I never treat anyone like this, but I guess its ok becuase people treat me like this.

I'll quote Clint Eastwood in Unforgiven...

[bq]...Deserve ain't got nothin' to do with it...[/bq]

If you commit to something, make every effort to go though with it, i understand stuff comes up, but thats just wrong.

This sentence makes no sense. :\

You understand things come up--and acording to her, something has--but what's "just wrong"?

 

[KenM]

Sorry that guy was annoying. I generally don't do any social things except when I have to, small groups of close friends, people I work with, at work. I don't want to get the wrong signal fromm anyone and screw it up. Also, I really don't care about people making "small talk" or seeming generally interested in what someone else has to say at a party that I never met before when I could care less. I'm sure everyone at the party is nice and all, but I don't need anything from them or want anything to do with them. All that socialiizing and small talk is boring and I can tell people are doing it just to be polite. I really don't feel the need to do all that BS'ing, and people label me a freak because I don't like to socialize. All I want is to find a nice girl to settle down with. I have the place, I have the job I'm happy with. I just want a special someone to share it with.
I have a cousin I only see once a year on Xmas eve. After I got my first real computer, that year I gave her my email because she said she was going to email me. I thought it would be great and we could grow closer. The whole year went by and not a signal email. When I saw her again I asked why she did not email me. She shrugged and said "sorry I forgot, hehe" and laughed it off as some kind of joke. I talked about this with someone and they told me when she said she would email me, it was just small talk and I should not have taken it like she was going to accually do it. WTF? Its ok for someone to say they are going to do something and then not do it? If I said I was going to do something and did not do it, people would think I'm lazy or dumb. But its ok for other people to do that, but not me.
That is how someone with AS sees other people. Thanks for letting me vent about it.

 

[KenM]

You understand things come up--and acording to her, something has--but what's "just wrong"?

I took it as she knew beforehand that she had to get ready for the weekend, but she was the one that asked me to dinner anyway. She should not have offered to meet for dinner if she had other plans, thats what is wrong, IMO. It would have been something else if she said "I just found out about family coming over for the weekend, I have to plan for that." But to me it sounded like a lame cop out.

 

[Teflon Billy]

I really don't feel the need to do all that BS'ing, and people label me a freak because I don't like to socialize. All I want is to find a nice girl to settle down with. I have the place, I have the job I'm happy with. I just want a special someone to share it with.

Alas, that requires socializing brother

You think some woman just wants to walk up to you and announce "I would like to be your soul-mate"?

Honestly, from what I've seen this seems to be a really common Aspergers wish-fulfillment fantasy. But it's not going to happen, man.

It's just not.

I have a cousin I only see once a year on Xmas eve. After I got my first real computer, that year I gave her my email because she said she was going to email me. I thought it would be great and we could grow closer. The whole year went by and not a signal email. When I saw her again I asked why she did not email me. She shrugged and said "sorry I forgot, hehe" and laughed it off as some kind of joke. I talked about this with someone and they told me when she said she would email me, it was just small talk and I should not have taken it like she was going to accually do it. WTF? Its ok for someone to say they are going to do something and then not do it?

Yes Ken, it is. It honestly is. If the stakes are super-low (like recieving a non-emergency email) then it is fine to let it slide.

She was describing doing something recreational and didn't follow through on it. It's hardly the end of the world, and--though it might require about as much apology as she gave ("Sorry, I forgot")-- that's about it.

If I said I was going to do something and did not do it, people would think I'm lazy or dumb.

Well I don't pretend to have any firsthand knowledge about how people judge you, but I will tell you that people will cut a lot of slack on that kind of thing for folks they have socialized with.

But you have said previously...

[bq]I really don't care about people making "small talk" or seeming generally interested in what someone else has to say at a party that I never met before when I could care less. I'm sure everyone at the party is nice and all, but I don't need anything from them or want anything to do with them...[/bq]

...which tells me that no one has any real need to cut you any slack for any behaviour they find off-putting. Why would they?

Your cousin is family, and probably expected a level of "assumed socialization" from that alone. Forgot to email you? let it go man It really is nothing.

But its ok for other people to do that, but not me.
That is how someone with AS sees other people. Thanks for letting me vent about it.

It's OK for certain people to do it to certain other people. In other cases it's not ok.

There is no magic if/then statement that will work 100% of the time in normal human interaction. Stop trying to find one.

 

[Vraille Darkfang]

They are not sending mixed signals. They changed their minds. It is the perogative of all human beings to change their minds, not just women.

Yes. True.

But there should be a limit of, ohhh, 3 or less when you are carrying 100 lbs of solid oak nightstand & your wife is trying to decide what corner of the house it would look good in.

Or, it should not take 3 hours at the mall to decide between 3 colors of bed sheets (all of which exist in th emale color of 'White'.

 

[EricNoah]

Or, it should not take 3 hours at the mall to decide between 3 colors of bed sheets (all of which exist in the male color of 'White'.

I love my wife, and she's my soulmate, and all that. But don't make me go shopping with her. We just have different takes on what constitutes the "right amount of time" to spend looking for something... But then, if she were at the bookstore waiting on me to decide, I might be just as frustrating!

 

[Teflon Billy]

I love my wife, and she's my soulmate, and all that. But don't make me go shopping with her. We just have different takes on what constitutes the "right amount of time" to spend looking for something... But then, if she were at the bookstore waiting on me to decide, I might be just as frustrating!

Oh my God! That's my wife and I as well

Drives me crazy just standng there while she stands with a Bathing Suit in each hand (still on the hanger) "scrunching"the material between her fingers and looking back and forth at them.

Minute. After. Minute.

She's lucky she's cute

 

[KenM]

Alas, that requires socializing brother

You think some woman just wants to walk up to you and announce "I would like to be your soul-mate"?

Honestly, from what I've seen this seems to be a really common Aspergers wish-fulfillment fantasy. But it's not going to happen, man.

It's just not. .

I'm not expecting it to happen like that. I know I have to get out there to find people. Thats why I have a personal ad online. I'm not comfortable going to a party and making small talk with a large group of people. Waste of time, IMO.
Thats why I like the personals, you can get to know people one on one, thats what I like. I just don't like it when people say A and do B.

...which tells me that no one has any real need to cut you any slack for any behaviour they find off-putting. Why would they?

It's OK for certain people to do it to certain other people. In other cases it's not ok.

There is no magic if/then statement that will work 100% of the time in normal human interaction. Stop trying to find one.

I don't want any slack, thats why I don't socialize much. I don't feel the need to. People need to just be honest with what the do and say. I always tell people that I need honesty above all else. But when I find out someone close has upset me and they were not truthful, I'm more mad at the fact they lied to me then whatever was the orginal fight was about.

 

[Llaurenela]

Hi,

I just happened to see this thread and thought I would comment. Eric Noah and BigFreekinGoblinoid gave you some excellent advice. On the Thread link in one message above, at that link the advice that is in the same vein as Eric Noah and BigFreekinGoblinoid is also excellent advice.

Most people (men and women) routinely say things they don't intend to follow through on and don't intend to have someone else take serious. Right or wrong that is life, accept it and move on.

Women like to see men with pets because it implys (not always correctly) that you are not an axe murderer and are capable of forming normal healthy attachments.

Women like to see men with male friends because it implys (not always correctly) that you are not an axe murderer and are capable of forming normal healthy attachments.

Women like to see men with other female friends because, if some other women like the guy then he may be worth having. If you are out with a group of male and female friends doing any type of social activity and you are obviously having fun it goes a long way to saying that you are not an axe murderer and are capable of forming normal healthy attachments.

These parties and other social activities that you don't like, the small talk that you don't like etc. If you don't do those things, or do them and look uncomfortable and obviously are not having fun sends out the wrong vibes and you are missing opportunities to show that you are not an axe murderer and are capable of forming normal healthy attachments.

If you have a group of friends that includes men and women that is half the battle, go have fun with them and be happy without a date, it will help you get a date.

If you don't have a group of friends like that, then go find friends first and worry about a date later. If the only interest you have is D&D then you may need to broaden your interests, there are a lot of D&D related topics that appeal to a broader cross section of women.

All that aside, there may be some spot out there in your life right now or close to you where you can meet the women that likes you just the way you are, but you need to relax and not take life so seriously in order to meet her. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

But follow the advice the two guys I noted above gave you with the girl you mentioned.

Best of luck, don't get discouraged,

Llaurenela

 

[KenM]

So I should go to a party with a couple of male and female friends and a dog and I'm set? LOL