Why do women send mixed signals?

[ColonelHardisson]

Yes, I have a good life, I good place to live, a good job. The only thing missing is a special someone. I do hang out with my firends, but all of them are married and only know other married people. No real chance of meeting someone there.
I am happy with how I am, just my relationship issues keep coming up.

If you really want that kind of relationship, you really have to come to terms witht he idea that, given your AS, you don't see the world as most people see it. Human beings have built complex social interactions over the course of millennia; they are ingrained upon us, if not by nature, then by nurture. In a way, it's like a game, or a dance - if you want to join in, you have to actually join in. You cannot eschew the very processes that bring these relationships about and expect to achieve the results you desire - in other words, you can't be a wallflower and expect your dance card to be filled at the same time.

You asked earlier why people lie about things, because you don't understand the necessity. Consider: it seems your AS is preventing you from seeing that such things are, indeed, a necessity when it comes to maintaining human relationships. The rest of us have a hard time understanding how someone else wouldn't see that. It's difficult to explain, as it's more of an instinctual and/or emotional thing than anything rational. We're talking about extremely complex interactions here; they cannot be boiled down to bare essentials without destroying much of what makes us human.

 

[the Jester]

Hey Ken!

First I'd like to say that your willingness to speak openly and frankly about all of this is both courageous and refreshing. Regardless of your Asperger's, you've got stones, man.

Now, I also want to make sure you don't mistake my post for an attack. I'm trying to give you honest, constructive criticism and ideas for ways to improve your ability to understand why people lie. I am trying to help, and I'm not lashing out at you. That said, here is my perspective on it.

Ken, the 'little white lies' that are bothering you so much are pretty much omnipresent in human society. I think the problem is that you are looking for an ideal, not for a real woman. Real people might be completely honest most of the time- I know I try to be- but we almost all still lie (by your standards) once in a while. A lot of the time it's just to spare someone's feelings. If a sensitive, vulnerable girl asks if you think she's fat, it's pretty heartless to just say, "Yes."

Another thing that you call a lie is when someone doesn't do what they say they're going to do. Now, I hate getting stood up or having someone flake out on a commitment, but not all commitments are equal. A commitment to go to work outweighs the level of commitment involved in some random party I said I wanted to go to three months ago.

I would say most of us make 'minor commitments' all the time. I'd define minor commitments as things we say we would like to do and then forget about or prioritize beneath other things. For another example, let's say I'm supposed to go swimming with a couple of friends, but my stepdad gets hit by a car and is in the hospital. Forget swimming! And that's a fairly drastic example, but if you think about it, surely you can see that something like that is a valid reason for breaking a commitment, and once you admit that you have to see that there is a spectrum of commitment.

Anyway, I hope some of this provokes some insight for ya. Again, I mean no offense and want you to clearly understand that I'm trying to help you.

James

 

[Corvidae]

Ken,

Dude I completely understand the fear of taking drugs cause they might change who you are. I also completely hate large crowds and small talk. But we are different on a couple things.

I have ADHD and Generalized anxiety disorder. Basically, i have a hard time controlling my attention, and either have a real short or really long attention span. And second, I take some things way to seriously. That is me, those are my mental problems.

I started taking meds about 4 years ago because it just got to be too much for me. I thought that they might change me, but I was willing to go through anything if it might help. Well, they didn't change me, at least not in my opinion.

I found it easier to control my attention span and to take things less seriously. But i still got upset and still had a somewhat hard time focusing. They just eased it up a lil bit. Trust me, if you start taking meds for problems, you are not going to be a robot, you will be you, and I guarentee that some of the AS will show throug. The thing is, it might make it easier to handle.

As for my small talk thing. I tend to either not go to parties, or hand out with a small group of people at them. If someone does try small talk, I typically try to move to a deeper level as fast as possible, you know, pick out something they say like about baseball, and see how they like baseball, why they like it, who they like in it. It is a way for me to get information on how that person works, something I crave.

I know not everyone works like me and I am ok with that. I search for ways to understand how others work, and that has helped my social interactions immensly. If you want to socialize, my biggest advice would be listen and observe. You will at the very least learn how some people work.

Best of luck
John

 

[Impeesa]

I hope I don't drag the discussion down again by fixating on something from several pages back, but I'd just like to throw in another reply to this little bit:

God made me this way. If he wants He can change the way I am. I did not ask to be this way, God screwed me by making me this way.

He also gave you free will, everything else is just window dressing. You sound like you're perfectly happy with your life aside from your relationship status. Many people have offered some really good advice on how to change that, and if you can choose to take that advice you'll end up happier for it.

--Impeesa--

 

[Von Ether]

My personal opinion? A lot of people "talk" but don't finish their sentences. Such as "Call me for dinner ..." when holiday weekend is over.

Actually, my first "move" on the phone would have been to contact her, make small talk about the holiday, let both of you get a feel for how you spend these things. (Do you/she spend it with family, friends or just hang out?).

If she said anything but "family," I would have given her an open invite to my July 4th plans. The minute she says "family" I would have eventually ended the conversation with "after the holiday, I'll touch base again for a dinner date" and then enjoyed the weekend.

Unfortantley, it sounds like you were abrupt on the phone when you were postponed, ususally a big turn off on the first few phone calls. Since you forgot about the holiday, it may seem that your eager. (Which you would think would entice women, but it only turns them off.) I'd pretty much write this chick off already.

Don't forget that men seem more attractive the older they are while women are the opposite, so there's never a reason to rush or seem eager. That girl who brushed you off when you were a "bad dancer" at 18 is going to see you in a different light when your 32 and she's divorced.

 

[Harmon]

Ken,

You are getting some great suggestions, you might want to write them down, cut out anything that is a little degrading, and cut out the people that do not seem to understand that your disability isn’t something you can just jump over.

You can work around your AS like I work around my reading and writing disabilities, it takes a lot of conscious effort and a lot of good, understanding people around you.

Somewhere in your thread I recall you saying something about this woman being the pot smoker you had a thread about last year. If it is the same woman, take a breath, step away from her, erase her number from your phone, delete her email address, and make every effort to avoid her. You are a good person, you need not get involved with someone that uses drugs, and treats you like you have said she treats you. I realize with AS its hard for you to step back, but you have to grab yourself by the collar and drag yourself from her presence. You can move on, I know you can.

Take care, and remember not to get frustrated.

 

[Dagger75]

Well small talk is more than just inane conversation to waste time. It may seem pointless but it really isn't. When we meet new people we don't know anything about them. So we ask them general questions, Hows the weather, did you see who won American Idol, what do you think of Survivor, did you see Star Wars yet? Simple things most people can relate to. Those little questions help make conversation easier. The more you talk to people the more you get to know them then the deeper the conversation and relationship can be.

The little lies told to others are to help spare thier feelings. Most people don't want to hurt your feelings or anybody elses. Example

I have a friend, sometime he just gets on my nerves, he is little obnoxcious and a sarcastic well a-hole sometimes. It took me 4 months of sitting next to him at work to get to know him (through small talk, found out he is a gamer to) Well he calls me up and wants to do something. I don't really want deal with him so I tell him I have plans. It seems rude and downright mean to say no I don't want deal with your BS tonight so talk to you later. Which is true but I lied to him to save his feelings. We do this to not hurt others.

Hope this helps. I may just be babbling. I know nothing about AS or how to deal with it

 

[Teflon Billy]

I don't see not telling someone something about yourself until you know them better is lieing. To me a lie is when someone tells me something I know is not true ("the sky is green"). Or when someone says they will do something and then they don't.

See, so you nderstadn the concept of "different levels of lying".

Think you can apply that same level acceptance to the bahviours of someone other than yourself?

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Ken, you never answered the second part of my question.

Would you be OK if someone told you they might do something and then do not?

The person did not lie, they qualified their response with the possibility of doing it. I think, if I understand AS correctly, you probably would not do this, you would wait until you knew one way or the other before answering. Is that correct?

Slightly off the topic, but not much, have you read The Speed of Dark by Elizabeth Moon? It is about an autistic person who has the opportunity to take therapy that will cure him of autism, and his stuggle with the idea that it would make him into a different person, that he would stop being himself. I thought it was a very good read, and that it might be a little insightful for you.

 

[Lorgrom]

I just don't like it when people say A and do B.

I agree with you there 100%. But life has taught me (both from observation and experiance) that about 90% of the time it wont happen. B may be very close to A, but hardly ever does B = A. The trick to surviving this agrivation is to just accept how things work and when B does equil A, appreciate the person even more (especialy the ones where B = A often).